From: Christina Urban Date: Mon, 6 Jun 2005 14:24:13 -0400 Subject: "The Spender Sketch" by RhymePhile Source: direct Title: "The Spender Sketch" (1/1) Author: RhymePhile E-mail: RhymePhile@hotmail.com Distribution: Yeah, sure. Category: A big fat H, and Parody Rating: Jeez, so G Category: V, H Keyword: Parody Spoilers: The Field Where I Died; Season 5's The End; Season 6's The Beginning, Triangle, One Son, Agua Mala, and Monday, anything that aired before Arcadia; oh, and the Movie. Summary: Good ol' Spender...wherefore art thou? What happened to him after being shot in the face by Daddy Spender? Here's my explanation. Disclaimer: If you are reading this as a fan, you know the drill. But if you are in any way connected to Fox TV, you are in *big* trouble! Avert ye eyes! AUTHOR'S extremely important NOTE: This little fic is written in "skit" format. No, not a screenplay. For example, pretend you are reading a Saturday Night Live sketch, and you pretty much have this fic. But make sure you are reading from, say, the good years around 93 or so, when Phil and Chris were in their prime. Dedication: Thanks to the mailing list Planet X for their support, and to Megs for reminding me of Sharon. Originally published on the alt.tv.X-files.creative newsgroup between February 28 and March 7 of 1999. "The Spender Sketch" by RhymePhile With humble apologies to Monty Python... [Mulder and Scully walk toward their basement office] MULDER: (humming to the tune of the William Tell Overture) He's got a bomb, a bomb, a bomb bomb bomb, a bomb, a bomb, a bomb bomb bomb... SCULLY: Where the hell did you pick that up? It's annoying. MULDER: I don't know...I feel like I've heard it somewhere before...it's kinda catchy. (Looking around office) Hey, look where we are! SCULLY: Yeah, in your office again. And I still don't see my own desk. MULDER: But isn't it nice to jump right back into things without any messy explanations? Man, what a clean-up crew! Nary a sign of smoke damage anywhere! SCULLY: I would've gone with a lovely rose blush on the walls... [Loud banging sound coming from somewhere within the office] SCULLY: What was that? MULDER: A rat? SCULLY: Not until the end of the season. [Sound again] MULDER: Sounds close...(taking a stand in front of Scully) should I draw my weapon? SCULLY: Nah, you'll just get shot or drop it. Stand aside. MULDER: Ooh, I love it when you're in charge. SCULLY: If I were, I'd order you to buy me a desk and I'd fire you over that "The Field Where I Died" episode. [Sound louder] SCULLY: Who's there? [VOICE from inside the filing cabinet]: Hello? MULDER: The filing cabinet just said hello. SCULLY: At least it's friendlier than your mother. [VOICE, calling, then rapping on cabinet]: Could you let me out of here? MULDER: Are you a good guy or a bad guy? VOICE: After that "One Son" episode I'm not so sure. MULDER: Krycek? SCULLY: Alex's voice sounds much hotter than *that*. VOICE: It's Spender! MULDER & SCULLY (together): Spender? SPENDER: Yeah? MULDER: You're supposed to be dead! SPENDER: No I'm not! SCULLY: Really, you are. SPENDER: But I'm not dead yet. MULDER: You aren't? SPENDER: I'm only slightly wounded. MULDER: Nope, I'm sure you're dead. SPENDER: I'm still alive! I'm breathing and everything! SCULLY: Where have you been the past two weeks then? SPENDER: Locked in this cabinet...would you mind letting me out soon? I have this terrible itch I can't reach... SCULLY: I don't think we can let you out. SPENDER: Oh, why is that? MULDER: Because we're finally working on the X-Files again. SPENDER: But I quit, remember? Everything was hunky-dory! You would have been working on them anyway...ratings are down. SCULLY: He's got a point. MULDER: But he's annoying. SCULLY: He's far less annoying than that plot-hole called Samantha. SPENDER: I redeemed myself! I even put my hand on your shoulder as a reconciliatory gesture! SCULLY: (sternly) He put his hand on your shoulder? MULDER: (gently) It didn't mean anything. I'm lost without you. [Close-up on him, holding her hand] You kept me honest! You made me a whole person! You're the only one who's allowed to give me caring touches and I'm the only one who can tease you with verbal barbs laden with sexual innuendo! I can't do this alone! I'm not sure I want to... SPENDER: Uh, excuse me, wounded man in the filing cabinet speaking... MULDER: Whoa, sorry, flashback from the Event of The Summer, Multiplied By X... SCULLY: Frickin' bee... MULDER: Why the hell are you hiding in our filing cabinet, Spender? SCULLY: (serious doctor tone) You better not be leaking bodily fluids into the interior of our new FBI-approved flame-retardant filing cabinet! You better not do it...or I'll kill you. SPENDER: He put me in here! MULDER: John Shiban? SPENDER: No, my dad! SCULLY: That CGB guy...figures...[doing Al Pacino] every time we try to get out he pulls us back in! MULDER: What did you do, steal his cigarettes? SPENDER: Something even worse! SCULLY: You attended his acting school? SPENDER: God no! I started exhibiting...Lord help me...*character* in that episode! [MULDER & SCULLY both gasp] SPENDER: I was beginning to come around...people were even starting to tolerate me...I had a *nickname* on the newsgroups, for Chrissakes!! I was displaying emotions, like remorse, guilt, hatred, and Oh my God Oh my God Oh. My. God... SCULLY: That's my line. MULDER: (mumbling, rolling eyes) Yet another Golden Globe... SPENDER: I was feeling *love*!!! SCULLY: Yeeeeah...you were with Krycek, weren't you? SPENDER: Love for my mother, I mean. SCULLY: Riiiight. SPENDER: My father shot me and stuffed me in here to prevent continuity! I was actually starting to become a fleshed-out character! MULDER: And we all know what happens when you start becoming fleshed-out... ALL: You get shot. MULDER: Yeah, but what about that old adage we can consistently rely on? SCULLY: No one really dies on the X-Files? MULDER: Not unless you move all the way from Vancouver with the show, then get killed off in mid-season. SPENDER: (sighing) I *just* put money down on a Volvo! SCULLY: I think you were shot in retribution for that crappy German accent... SPENDER: (in bad German accent) Shot op! SCULLY: What about that other adage...y'know...uh, it's on the tip of my tongue...Trust No One? MULDER: That never worked. I trust everybody anyway. SCULLY: The Truth Is Out There? MULDER: I'm sure it is, but I'll be damned if I can find it after six years. SPENDER: Speaking of, how did that case with the tentacles thing go? MULDER: Testicles? SCULLY: Krycek? Where? SPENDER: No, *tentacles*. MULDER: It would help if you would stop mumbling. SPENDER: Sorry, shots to the face will do that to you. MULDER: It went okay, I guess. I always like to take a breather from saving the world from impending alien colonization and just, y'know, get back to basics. SCULLY: Yeah, really. We did it better back in Season One, and I looked *much* better in a down parka than I did in that dorky cooking apron. And what was *up* with my hair? SPENDER: What did you guys do this week? MULDER: Oh, the usual. Another one of those did-it or didn't-it happen episodes. But they did use the water bed, finally, although I couldn't figure out why everything else in my bed was wet except for my light-colored should-have- been-see-through clingy pajama bottoms. SCULLY: We're out of sweeps, now, dear. SPENDER: So, lemme guess...they're shaking things up? Did you guys kiss or anything? SCULLY: Nah, he just got shot *again* MULDER: (pouting) It wasn't real. SPENDER: Was it a dream? MULDER: No. SPENDER: A drug-induced hallucination? SCULLY: Nope. SPENDER: A passing UFO? MULDER: Uh-uh. SPENDER: A haunted house? MULDER: Jeez, no! Where are you coming up with all this bad stuff? SCULLY: The script? MULDER: I just got shot and blown up a couple of times. SCULLY: Yeah, and we're married next week! Who said the fans don't get what they want? SPENDER: (sighing heavily) I get shot and everything goes to hell... MULDER: Y'know, I was wondering where you went off to after that big MythArc episode. I mean, we didn't even trip over your freshly-shot body! SCULLY: No blood stains, either. SPENDER: Hey, May sweeps are right around the corner...I'm sure I'll be up and about in the weeks to come... SCULLY: Yeah, and Krycek will be back then, too... MULDER: What is it between you and him? SCULLY: I don't know...we haven't had more than a few minutes screen time over six years, but he looks *damn* fine in leather. SPENDER: I would tend to agree. MULDER: Now that I think about it, I would have to agree, too. SPENDER: Um, so are you going to let me out? MULDER: Sorry, but things have been conveniently and perfectly ignored lately that I really don't want to mess anything up. SPENDER: You mean I have to stay in here? MULDER: There must be a good reason as to why you weren't mentioned yet. SPENDER: I guess... SCULLY: Hey, be glad you even have a first name, Jeffy. A lot of interesting characters get killed off before then, like ol' what's-his-name... SPENDER: Will you at least fill me in on what's happening every now and then so that when I do return we won't require any extemporaneous dialogue whatsoever? MULDER: (snarkily) If you say please. SPENDER: Will you keep my office the same way? MULDER: Your office looks almost completely the same, Spender. We'll take good care of it. SPENDER: Is the picture of my mom still on my desk? MULDER: *My* desk...you mean the group shot of my dad, your dad, that fat Italian guy, Samantha, my mother, your mother, Scully's mother, Krycek, Sharon Skinner, Ahab, Bill Jr., Charlie, Tara, her kid, Melissa, Emily, me, you, Scully, Skinner, Queequeg, and Scully's dead bunny in the lunchbox? SPENDER: The ex-bunny, you mean? SCULLY: His name was Mr. Twiddles. I miss him so. SPENDER: So you promise to let me out when I'm needed? MULDER: Only if the script permits it, and not until then. Well, maybe we'll let you out early if it's around Emmy season and I'm supposed to cry or something... SCULLY: There was a *huge* joke opening there, but I've already passed my quota for the entire season with this one sketch. I think I'm scheduled to smile next week, too, (shudders) so I'm not even allowed to smirk. SPENDER: Well, okay, I guess I can wait. MULDER: And you're *sure* you're not dead? SPENDER: Yes!!! I'm really only slightly wounded! I'm sure I can continue. SCULLY: Do you need anything? Ooh, if it's a pay raise, I'm your girl. SPENDER: Well, I do have that annoying itch... SCULLY: (serious doctor voice) It's probably all icky...and that's not in my contract. SPENDER: Well, let me know if you hear anything, okay? I really wanted that Volvo... Exeunt Adieu RhymePhile