From: "Beth Bradford" Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 17:27:25 -0700 Subject: The Springer Files Title: The Springer Files (1/1) Author: Beth825 (Beth825@england.com) Rating: R (language) Category: CH Spoilers: The Red and the Black....just barely Keywords: Crossover Summary: Fox, Dana, and the gang go on a talk show. Disclaimer: I don't own Mulder, Scully, and the others. They are the property of those unworthy people at FOX and 1013, namely Chris Carter. But I wouldn't mind Mulder being mine for an hour or two...*wicked grin* Author's Notes: Support is always welcome and flames will be sent to freezing FBI agents in Antarctica. And Special thanks go to M... your kung fu is the best, babe. Oh yeah, and this is my first fanfic, be gentle. XXXXXXXX [Audience chants "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry"] [MULDER and SCULLY sit on the stage, SPRINGER addressing the audience] SPRINGER: Hello, and welcome to today's show. Our first guests today are Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. They're co-workers at the FBI and they've been involved for about three months. Fox has something he wants to share with Dana. MULDER: Call me Mulder. SPRINGER: Okay, Mulder. Now, tell us about you and Dana. MULDER: Well, Scully and I had been partners for nearly six years before we gave in to temptation and became romantically involved. We had been attracted to each other for most of our working relationship, but we never really acknowledged it until the last time they tried to split us up. SPRINGER: And now you have something to tell her. Let's hear what you have to say to Dana. [MULDER turns to SCULLY and she listens intently.] MULDER: Scully, I have something I need to tell you. SCULLY: And you have to bring me on national television to do it? MULDER: Well, it's something that's really hard to say. SCULLY: So just spit it out, Mulder. MULDER: I'm having an affair with someone else. [SCULLY looks heartbroken] SCULLY: Who is she, Mulder? Bambi? Phoebe? MULDER: Skinner. SCULLY: Oh my God, Mulder.... [looks stricken] SPRINGER: Let's get FBI Assistant Director Skinner out here! [SKINNER enters and sits next to MULDER] SPRINGER: So, tell us about your relationship to these two, please Skinner. SKINNER: Well, I've been their superior for about six years now, ever since they were assigned as partners. I knew I wanted to get one of them in bed from the beginning.....in fact, I was hoping for a threesome. [MULDER grins.] MULDER: Scully? Say something. SCULLY: I can't believe................Mulder, why Skinner? MULDER: Mutual attraction? [shrugs] SKINNER: Oh come on, Agent Scully, I have more to offer than this. [stands, gesturing to his clothes] SCULLY: More? [SKINNER rips off his suit and the crowd gasps and giggles as he is revealed in a red dress. He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a blonde wig, putting it on] SCULLY: Director Skinner?? [MULDER looks at SCULLY with a gleam in his eye.] MULDER: Not too bad, huh, Scully? [SKINNER twirls.] SKINNER: Whadda ya think *Dana*? Foxy likes me better in blue. [SCULLY tries not to giggle.] SCULLY: Well, umm, *Foxy* I have something to tell you, too. MULDER: [apprehensive] Oh God. Okay, go ahead, I can take it. SCULLY: I've been having an affair, too. MULDER: With who? SCULLY: With someone you know very well. MULDER: Frohike?? SCULLY: [disgusted] No......Alex. [MULDER gasps as KRYCEK enters and sits next to Scully.] MULDER: KRYCEK?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That one armed..... [sputters] KRYCEK: Surprised, Mulder? I'd think by now you'd expect me to pop up when you least expect it. MULDER: [outraged] Not in Scully's bed!! KRYCEK: Who said *just* in the bed? [MULDER starts to get up, but the guards step forward.] SKINNER: Well, Mulder, a person's gotta do what a person's gotta do. MULDER: That doesn't mean Ratboy here has to *do* the woman I love! SCULLY: Well, Mulder, I wasn't the only one cheating. [looks at SKINNER in drag] KRYCEK: No, you weren't, Dana. In fact, I have a secret of my own. SKINNER: [gleefully] You're a transvestite, too?? [KRYCEK glares at SKINNER.] KRYCEK: [under his breath] Baldie-boy. [then, in a normal voice] No....Dana, sleeping with you was cheating for me, too. I already have a girl. SCULLY: Oh? KRYCEK: Yeah. [turns to SPRINGER] Let's bring her out here. [A blonde enters, smartly dressed in a pant suit, and sits next to KRYCEK.] MULDER: MARITA! Why didn't I see *that* coming? SCULLY: Covarrubias? MARITA: Yep, that's me. [KRYCEK grins at MARITA] SCULLY: [confused and a little let down] But if Alex has Marita....and Mulder, you've got Skinner......who do I get? KRYCEK: [putting his arms around both women] Don't worry, babe, I can handle two women. MARITA: Alex, you told me you wanted Mulder, not Scully. SCULLY and MULDER: [in unison] What? MARITA: Ever since you kissed him, Alex, you've wanted him. [she turns away from KRYCEK] That's what he said anyway. KRYCEK: [angrily, through gritted teeth] I *told* you not to bring that up. [SKINNER gets up and attacks KRYCEK] SKINNER: Damn you, he's mine, you two-cent whore!!!! [KRYCEK decks SKINNER with a mean right and SKINNER comes back with a left jab] SCULLY: Hello?? I think if anyone here should be fighting over Mulder, it's me. [The battle continues as SKINNER lunges at KRYCEK's midsection, intending to push him off balance, but misses, hitting toward his left side. SKINNER senses himself becoming unsteady and reaches out for the nearest object to right himself again. The plan doesn't work, however and he finds himself on his ass on the floor.] MULDER: Umm....Alex? KRYCEK: [quick-tempered] What? [MULDER looks at SKINNER, KRYCEK's gaze not far behind. SKINNER is holding KRYCEK's fake arm, just staring at it. The audience laughs and chants "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry"] KRYCEK: Give that back! [snatches his arm back and tries to re-attach it with the help of MARITA] SKINNER: [returning to his seat, under his breath] Ratboy. MARITA: Alex, I have something I need to tell you. KRYCEK: [eyeing her warily] What is it? MARITA: I'm having a baby.... KRYCEK: [excited] You are? When are you due? When did you find out? MARITA: ....but I'm not sure it's yours. KRYCEK: It's that damn Cigarette-Smoking Man, isn't it? Or is it that British fucker I helped kill? MARITA: No... KRYCEK: Then who? MULDER: Wait a minute, Krycek, YOU killed him? KRYCEK: Shut up, Mulder. I'm not talking to you. [MULDER pouts] KRYCEK: So, who was it, Marita?? MARITA: It's this guy I met. He's kind of a computer geek, doesn't like to go out in public. MULDER: I know three people that fit that description. KRYCEK and MARITA: Mulder, SHUT UP!! KRYCEK: Okay, so tell me already. MARITA: His name is Ringo. MULDER: [softly] Oh my God. KRYCEK: The Beatle??? MARITA: No. SPRINGER: Bring him out here! [LANGLY enters] SCULLY: Langly?? [starts laughing] LANGLY: [sits beside MARITA] What's so funny, Agent Scully? SCULLY: [flustered] Just that... well, I mean.....nothing, I guess. KRYCEK: I can't believe you'd cheat on me!! MARITA: Isn't that a little bit hypocritical? KRYCEK: Well, yeah, but I mean with....with..... [gestures toward LANGLY] *that* LANGLY: What's *that* supposed to mean? KRYCEK: Exactly what it sounded like. LANGLY: Oh yeah, pretty boy? KRYCEK: [mumbling] Freak. [LANGLY reaches over and smacks KRYCEK in the head, but MARITA stops the fight] SPRINGER: Okay, I've got a question here. LADY: Yeah, this is for the cute one. [smiles] MULDER and KRYCEK: Yes? LADY: No, I mean....err.... what's his name? Wolf. MULDER: That's Fox. LADY: Fitting name, by the way....umm I was just wondering...are you gay or just bi? MULDER: Neither. I'm straight, it was just.....kind of....an experiment. LADY: So, what are you doing tonight? MULDER: Why don't you stop by my place and see? [grins] LANGLY: Umm, excuse me. Is that....Director Skinner? SKINNER: What of it? LANGLY: I didn't realise.... SKINNER: You think there's something wrong with wearing a dress, boy? LANGLY: Not at all. [stands up and strips off his Ramones T-shirt and ragged jeans] In fact, I like to do it, too! [LANGLY is standing in a green blouse and floral skirt.] SKINNER: Transvestite!! [jumps up and embraces him.] SCULLY: How cute. [MARITA leans over and kisses KRYCEK, MULDER and SCULLY exchange knowing glances, and SKINNER and LANGLY talk excitedly in drag.] SPRINGER: I'd like to thank you all for being here today, and I wish you the best of luck. [turns for the Final Thought] We all have relationships that come and go in our lives. But the relationships we value the most are the relationships we don't realize we are damaging. We often don't even know that we have ruined them until it is too late to save them. I think what we can take away from the people on stage now is that no matter how much you feel a need for someone else think about the people that could end up hurting. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.