From: Legal Alien Date: Sun, 04 Mar 2001 19:43:58 GMT Subject: NEW: Stardust (1/1) by Legal Alien Title: Stardust (1/1) Author: lovejanick E-mail Address: lovejanick@sympatico.ca Distribution: If you like it, take it and post it. Spoilers: If you missed out on an episode (especially mythology episodes) since the beginning of the series and you do not usually read spoilers for future episodes, don't read this or you'll be mad at me. Rating: PG Classification: Post-TINH and S/V/R/A Keywords: Character death, M, S, Sk, D, Of and definitely MSR Summary: Scully's musings on how love, life and death changes oneself. Author's notes: I usually don't like to read or write musings, but it felt right to do this one. Don't be afraid to share your opinions with me, hence feedback. ____________________________________________________________ It started when Mulder was abducted. I had horrible nightmares of his torture. Then, we got a lead on his possible return. And, I began having visions of him as if he was a ghost. But, it was different from when my father passed away and I saw him sitting on the couch before my mother called to give me the bad news. In my nightmares, I couldn't reach out to Mulder because I wasn't really there. I only acted as a voyeur while the aliens did their tests and experiments on him. In my visions, I could talk to Mulder and feel his presence when I caressed the air where he stood. But, if he talked back, I could not hear a word he told me. I talked about it to my doctor and psychologist. They had the same conclusions and said it was my way of grieving and mourning the loss of my best friend and father of my unborn child. But, I knew better than this, especially after working eight years on the X files. Still, I did not know the clear answer to my questions. I mentionned it to Skinner a few times and to Doggett once. They both avoided my confession and changed the subject so matter of factly. They acted as if they already were over Mulder, but I knew they were not. Skinner loved him as if he had been his son. And, Doggett regreted not being able to correct a past event. One night, I called Monica Reyes, out of the blue. She was surprised to hear from me after what happened the night we found Mulder's lifeless body. I felt comfortable around her and I knew it was because she made me think of him. She was his female version, aside from the bad smoking habit, which he kicked out quickly. I told her everything there was to know about Mulder and me, our past before we met and the time we spent together. And, she felt my pain and sorrow. She felt I was hurt. But, she also felt the hope I still had in me that I would one day recover from this loss. And, she helped me deal with Mulder's death as if it was my own. That night, I was reborn. It was as if an immense weight had been lifted off from my shoulders and shoved down to the ground. It was still there for me to contemplate, but not to suffer from it. I regained control of my body and mind. I regained control over myself and became a complete person again, ready to be a mother. I still had visions of a ghostly Mulder, but they were much happier visions. They seemed like visits from beyond the grave, but they were never scary or uninvited and he always was welcomed. Sometimes, I would lie in bed, at night, and he would appear, sitting on the bed next to me. He'd bend down and touch my belly. Then, my prayers were answered. I recovered from his loss because he was brought back to life and to me. Billy Miles was found alive after being drowned for nearly six months. That's when we clicked and dug up Mulder. Mysteriously, his body had no signs of advanced decomposition as it should have had. He was alive. I was refused the right to see him for the first few days because he was a mess. He was physically disfigured, but healing up rapidly. And, when I saw him for the first time after seven months, I understood the visions. He was never dead to being with. He was only trying to help me and help me help him, help himself. I also understood the meaning of life and love, for I never lost my faith in him, me, us and our baby. I couldn't see his scars. I could only see straight into his soul. And, he was saying that he loved me more than life itself. So, I fell in love with him all over again. But, he still has a lot to catch up on from the past few months. "Are you ready to come to bed?" Mulder whispers in my ear. "I can't believe you finally settled for a life in this lifetime." I murmur back to him. "I was given a second chance at life and I don't want to ruin it by letting go of this wonderful opportunity." he grins as he helpes me off of the couch and into our bedroom. "You know... I could get used to this..." I smile back.