From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2000 00:40:23 -0600 Subject: Starlight, Starbright... (post-Closure fic) by by xenoprobe Source: direct Reply To: xenoprobe@hotmail.com Title: Starlight, Starbright... Category: post-ep for Closure, MSR Rating: PG-13 Summary: Mulder's closure opens deep wounds for Scully... Archive: sure, just tell me where please... Feedback: yes please, I live for it... xenoprobe@hotmail.com or www.xenoprobe.com Disclaimer: not mine, never were, make no profit- have no money... do not sue... Author's notes: Well... I wasn't going to post this, thinking there was so much post Closure fic out there- why add to it. But my beta, Belle urged me to get on with it and post it to Ephemeral... My thanks to Belle for keeping me in check. It is a rather short piece... I wrote it while listening to Moby's 'My Weakness' on continuous loop. (That's the ethereal music in that episode where Mulder sees Samantha...) So, please do write and tell me if this is any good or not... Thanks. *~*~* Starlight, Starbright... By xenoprobe Mist at my feet. I stood in the twilight and looked to the heavens with a broken heart. She wasn't here among them- not among the lost but safe. He told me so. *~*~* I didn't want to listen at first, couldn't accept that after all these years this search would end as mysteriously as it began. But I could see the relief in him, he was clean, renewed. I lay my thoughts of science aside and watched his smile; felt it penetrate me and I realized this was our first meeting- this new Mulder and I. I was pleased. I was happy for him until an itch in the back of my brain began to burn. If he'd found Samantha, seen Amber-Lynne and the little boy- why had he not seen my- ...Emily. I felt a panic- like she might still be there, up the hill at the end of the road. Mulder smoothed his hand down my arm and assured me, sadly she had not been seen. I felt the gurgle of pain rise from within and averted my eyes from his- I did not want to sully this night, his freedom with my old tired pain. Still, I couldn't release myself from the idea that she may appear to me again- if I opened myself to the possibility, would it be enough for her to find me in this spring air? I turned away from Mulder and silently made my way up the road. I watched the low fog curl at my legs, rubbing me like an alley cat and concentrated on the soft music I sensed inside me. It had a washing quality, like wave after wave of sweetness. But something in its melody was sad. Perhaps the melancholy flavour was a poison from my heart. My hand reached for the cross at my throat. I prayed. I pleaded. I looked skyward and reminded myself to think like Mulder- think like Mulder and I can have another moment, one last moment and I'll be free- like him. Maybe it was my hunger, my greed or need for it but the night remained quiet and unchanged to me. She would not come- she was not a walk-in, not a rescued soul. She was as lost and tortured as her mother. Hot tears hit the earth at my feet. I felt them leave my body in a rain of anguish. I had dared to hope- tried to believe. 'Oh Mulder I wanted to believe.' 'But I am hollow. I am empty and cannot be warmed.' I heard him whisper behind me and I crumbled- a failure. As a mother, as a woman even as a friend for not being able to see as he can. I welcomed the sensation of the soil against my cheek as I fell to the ground, I wanted to be swallowed whole right then and there. 'Take me into the earth, blend me into the elements and let my spirit be free to roam with the mist and winds... I want my child, my Emily.' His arms were around me, eyes full of sorrow and apologies but his new strength was still intact. I let him hold me, 'he tries so hard to penetrate my barricades, he does not yet see that he is the only one that resides here, in my heart'. I willed my shallow gasps into a slower weep. My tears fell not to the ground but against his chest and this somehow stirred a little warmth in me. Perhaps I am not hollow but lost. Not empty but lonely. He hushed me, pressing his lips to my face and in my hair and his passion was something tangible. I shook with the effort to cease the tears- I could not stop but he knew this- he understood why I came here to try. His voice was so close. It felt like he spoke from inside of me. He whispered that she is safe... safe and away from any further harm and that my love for her can be felt everywhere I go. He said that Emily knows... knows this love and rests in it now. He whispered and cried with me, as if she were his loss too. Perhaps she was. fin