From monicav@mindspring.com Tue May 27 02:36:01 1997 Subject: The Strangest Party by Kellian From: Monica Vallejo -------- I did not write this. Please forward all feedback to the author at Thanks, Monica _____________________________________________________ &*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& Date: Sun, 25 May 1997 03:57:40 -0500 To: X-FILES-FANFIC@CHAOS.TAYLORED.COM From: Eric & Kellian Herrington-Kelso Subject: The Strangest Party Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" The Strangest Party by Kellian Rating: PG-13 for swearing Classification: Humor Disclaimer: The X-Files, Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Krycek, Cancer Man, Marita and the Lone Gunmen all belong to Chris Carter and Fox. Abbey Ryan belongs to me and her Aunty Em. I think Doritos are made by Frito-Lay. Bissel owns Bissel (or did that company just trade hands???). Lime-Away is a Dow Chemical. Twister is a Milton-Bradley game! Posting: Anywhere except the bulletin board at work, where they think the X-Files are a “satanic influence on youth culture”. Author’s Notes: This is complete fluff, and nobody’s in character, but they’re having a great time! This started out as a response to a discussion about all the people who wander in and out of Mulder's apartment when he's not there, and it quickly turned into raving insanity. Here goes..... Scully had broken Mulder of many bad habits, but she'd never been able to get him over the ditching thing. As a result, he'd gone missing again - incommunicado for two days, and nobody had a clue as to his whereabouts. After Scully had experienced her usual wave of fear, followed by anger, sadness, and some additional fear, she gave Abbey a call, and they went to check out Mulder's apartment. ************************** "Wow - looks like somebody beat us here." exclaimed Abbey as they surveyed the mess in apartment 42. Actually, it was just apartment 2 now, as the perpetually loose "4" had fallen off again and had also gone missing. Scully heaved a discouraged sigh. Mulder's apartment got tossed about once a month and she was tired of helping to pick up his stuff. As usual, she marveled over the fact that no one had slit the sofa cushions while searching for hidden alien implants. She was beginning to believe that there was some kind of protective aura surrounding Mulder's nest. Suddenly, a weird squawk came from the vicinity of the kitchen. "Freeze!! Federal Agent!!!" screamed Scully, tripping over a shoe and making a none-too-graceful entrance into the room, gun waving wildly. "Put away your weapon, Agent Scully!" said Assistant Director Walter Skinner, who was strangling Krycek with one arm and pointing his own gun with the other. "What are you doing here? You know where they took Mulder, don't you??" Scully hollered, all the while experiencing the strangest deja vu..... "Jeepers, Uncle Walt, who's *that*?" asked Abbey, popping into the kitchen and getting down on all fours to get a better look at the purple-faced Krycek. "Squawk!" said Krycek. ************************** "Jeepers?" Scully and Skinner asked together. "This is a Tense Situation, not 'Leave It To Beaver'!" Scully added. Abbey rolled her eyes and snorted in frustration. "All right, all right! Who the hell is that???!! Better?" "Much! It's Alex Krycek - and if he’s involved, then so is the Consortium! Which still doesn't explain what you're doing here!" Scully said, turning her attention back to Skinner. "I'm looking for Agent Mulder, the same as you." he replied, still pointing his gun at her. "I don't believe you." Scully answered, still pointing her gun at him. "How 'bout I shoot you both and get this over with?" asked Abbey. "Let's do something with junior here and discuss this like rational adults!" ************************** The rational adults decided to handcuff Krycek to the towel bar in the shower. While they were thus employed, they heard someone else enter the apartment. "Hide!" hissed Skinner, and they all piled into the bathtub on top of the unfortuante Krycek. Guns drawn, they waited in tense silence until a hand reached in and yanked the shower curtain aside. It was hard to tell who was more surprised, the gun-wielding Feds in the tub, or Langly, who was just looking for a towel. "What are you doing in there?" "What are you doing out there?" "Mulder's gone. We always party at his place when he's gone!" "You're going to have a party in this mess?" "Yeah - hand me that towel, will ya? I need something to put under the keg." Since there was no one to hide from or shoot, and the tub was awfully cramped, they clambered out, leaving Krycek to dangle from the towel bar in peace. In the living room, Byers and Frohike wer starting to clean up some of the papers and overturned furniture, and Skinner pitched in. Scully decided to see what she could do with the kitchen. Abbey ventured into the bedroom, shrieked, and came running out again. "What's in there?" Skinner asked, dropping a back issue of "Adult Video News" and grabbing for his gun again. "God only knows! I've never seen such a mess in my life! Those alien life forms Mulder's always looking for are probably living under his bed!" "The Truth is Under the Bed!" Skinner said solemnly. "He has a bed??" an amazed Scully interjected from the kitchen. The phone rang then, scaring everyone silly. "Mulder?" Scully yelped, when she finally found the instrument. "Agent Scully, I have information on the whereabouts of Agent Mulder." said the woman on the other end of the line. "Where is he?" Scully cried, "Who is this?" "I can't tell you over the phone - you have to come and meet me." came the mysterious answer. "Look, I have a whole houseful of people here, apparently there's going to be a party in half an hour, and we’ve got a man handcuffed to the shower! I'm sorry, but you'll have to come here!" yelled Scully. She listened for a minute, then turned to the others, putting her hand over the receiver. "She wants to know if she should bring anything." "Ask her if she has a vacuum cleaner!" suggested Abbey, who'd been looking for one in vain since the phone rang. ************************** Forty-five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. "Finally, someone who *knocks* to get into this place!" said Scully, opening the door to reveal a tall, cool blonde holding a Bissell and a bag of Doritos. "I'm Marita Covarrubias" she announced. ws Scully's first, rather nasty, thought, immediately followed by her second, rather nasty, thought, which was "You brought the vacuum! Groovy! Thanks!" said Abbey, ducking under Scully's arm and giving Marita a demented grin. "Tell me what you know about Agent Mulder's whereabouts!" Scully had to shout to make herself heard above the whine of the vacuum cleaner, which Abbey had perversely decided to run right in the middle of the Lone Gunmen's party. "He is close to the Truth!" Marita said, sounding secretive and important. "He's under the bed, then!" said Skinner, who'd been eavesdropping behind the door since Scully opened it. He thought Marita was a babe. "Huh?" Marita was all confused now. was Scully's third, rather nasty, thought. "You don't have any idea where Mulder is, do you?" she snapped, anger and frustration combining to make her sound dangerously psychotic. Tears welled up in Marita's blue eyes. "No, I don't." she sniffled, "But I'm new at this informant thing, and I don't get out much anymore, and I heard there was going to be this really great party, and I'm awfully good at saying secretive, important-sounding things...." "How did you know there was going to be a party when you called? We just found out ourselves!" exclaimed Frohike. "I have my ways," replied Marita, laying on the secretive importance for all it was worth. "Wow, you *are* good at that" said Byers admiringly, "Want a drink?" "I thought you'd never ask! I brought snacks!" giggled Marita, and pushed her way into the crowd. ************************** “Hey!” said a guy Scully’d never seen before, “I thought you said we couldn’t smoke in in here!” “That rule still firmly stands!” said Scully, “I need *some* authority to cling to!” “You could cling to me - I have lots of authority!” Skinner said drunkenly. Scully favored him with a dirty look. “Sorry, but I’m in a one-sided, mutually-exclusive, co-dependant relationship with my partner, who keeps ditching me and forgetting to take my feelings into consideration!!!” that hysterical edge was back in her voice, and Skinner decided it was safer to hang out with Marita, who had kicked off her shoes and was dancing around the living room with a blender full of strawberry Daquiris. “Well, why can the guy in the bathroom smoke if we can’t?” persisted the strange annoying guy. “The guy in the bathroom is unconcious!” said Abbey, who was busily scrubbing the tape residue off of Mulder’s front window. “I was just in there, and I had a heck of a time moving him so I could clean the bathtub!” “Heck of a time?” asked Langly. Abbey blushed. “Sorry, I mean ‘a hell of a time’! Better?” “Much!” “Not *that* guy, the other guy.” whined the annoying guy, “Uh-oh” said Skinner. They only knew one man who smoked, and he was behind all the devious, evil plots that twisted their lives into prime-time drama material. The annoying guy was trampled underfoot in the mad dash to the bathroom, and nobody missed him a bit. In the bathroom, thry found the Cancer Man flicking ashes on the floor and attempting to argue with Kryce, who was high as a kite from inhaling the pungent Lime-Away fumes in the shower. It was a very Dramatic Moment, so Abbey felt fully justified in yelling,”I just washed that floor, you evil son of a bitch!” as she clubbed the Cancer Man with the toilet brush. “Whoo-hoo!” giggled Krycek. “Great! He’s out cold - now we can’t question him!” groaned Scully. “What’ll we do with him?” asked Byers. A lively discussion full of extreme possibilities followed, which ended in Krycek being released for good behavior and the Cancer Man being handcuffed to the towel bar in his place. “I’m not sure this is such a good idea.” Langly said, a they maneuvered Krycek out of the room. “Why not? He’s too messed up to run away!” replied Abbey. “He’s got a removable arm - I just *know* he’s going to cheat when we play Twister!” ************************** Back in the living room, Scully wasn’t at all surprised to see two men wearing earphones climbing through the window. “Excuse me, but could you please use the door? I have a violent friend who just cleaned that window.” “So?” said one of the men. “So, she beat up the last guy who made a mess!” “Yeah, it was cool!” said Frohike. “But we *always* use the window.” complained the second man. “For what - who are you?” Skinner demanded. “We’re from the white van across the street. It’s our job to monitor the 468 bugs in this apartment. I know it’s supposed to be a covert operation, but the party sounded like such fun, and it gets so boring in the van......” “Hey, don't worry about it! Everybody’s doing it!” Marita said soothingly. “Come on, join the party!”. She led the Covert Operatives into the dining room, where Krycek was, indeed, cheating at Twister. ************************** The front door was open, and there was a trampled dead guy in the foyer, but that was nothing new. What surprised Mulder were the fifty-odd people doing Tequila shooters and singing “Blue Moon” in his astonishingly clean living room. Scully spotted him and fought her way through the crowd to give him one of her patented “I thought you were dead!” full-body-contact hugs. “Where the hell have you been, you goddamn bastard?” she yelled merrily, waving her duster over her head. Mulder looked at her quizzically. “What got into *you*?” he asked. Abbey blushed again. “Uh, er, um, ‘Gee, Mulder, it’s swell to have you back!’. Better?” “Much!” “Enough! Where *have* you been, Mulder?” Scully demanded, experiencing her usual wave of relief, followed by confusion, a little anger, and some more relief. “At the local 24-hour home improvement superstore!” replied Mulder, as though they all should have figured that one out. “For two *days*!?!” “Well, I went to buy a screwdriver so I could put the “4” back on my door....and there was just so much to look at! I became delerious with Do-It-Yourself Fever!” Mulder began. “That’s where that “4” went!” Scully cried, “Another mystery solved!” “I found your old screwdriver while I was dusting your vents.” Abbey added, “You must’ve left it in there while you were dismantling the bug in there!” “Oh dear, that only leaves 467 bugs to monitor!” wailed one of the Covert Operatives. “Are you sure about that?” Marita asked with secretive importance, tossing back a shot of Tequila and licking some salt off of Skinner’s head. Meanwhile, back in the bathroom, the Cancer Man dismantled the towel bar and shoved Krycek out of the window and into a waiting getaway car. They left footprints on the windowsill, and Abbey vowed to follow them to the ends of the earth to enact her revenge. “How could you let me worry like this?” Scully asked, dangerously close to tears. “I didn’t do this just for me! I also got a sanding plane, and, Scully, I’m going to fix that squeaky door at your apartment - I promise!” Mulder said, letting some Intense Emotion creep into his voice. Scully was too moved to speak - she knew that everything would change now that Mulder had shown her that he *did* care for her. She experienced a wave of passion, followed by some trepidation, happiness and some more passion, before dragging him off to his scary bedroom. While they were there, they were surprised by Samantha, who’d arrived via the inter-dimensional rift that had been buried for some time under a pile of dirty socks. She’d heard that there was going to be a really great party........