From: Tourniquette <eponine@postoffice.idirect.com>
Date: Mon, 01 Feb 1999 00:18:32 -0500
Subject: Stupendously Magnificent 1/1

Title: Stupendously Magnificent
Author: Sasha Elisabeth Wolfe
Rating: PG (language)
Length: 1/1
Genre: Humor
Spoilers: Season 3-5
Summary: Stupendous Yappi meets a rival
Disclaimer: Stupendous Yappi, Walter Skinner and Fox Mulder are copyrite
of Chris Carter, Fox and 1013 productions. Mcdonalds and Coca Cola
aren't mine either...

 "Mulder, why did you call me over here at four in the morning?"
Nastasha asked, with an arched eyebrow. "Is it some case you need help
with?" "You didn't need to ask me that," her friend smiled,
mischievously. "You're a psychic." "Psychics need sleep too!" Nastasha
yawned. "I can't be on call 24 hours a day." "I know," he flashed her a
big shit-eating grin. "But I really, really, really need your assistance
with this." "Alright," Nastasha gave in. She kneeled on the carpet and
ran her fingers through the plush purple fabric. "Wait!" she groaned,
rubbing her temples. "I'm getting something." "What?" Mulder questioned,
excitedly. "The victim...a woman...she is still alive." "She's in a
coma," The FBI agent confirmed. "Her attacker wants it to look like a
robbery...but it's not. The victim knows her attacker...a female...a
co-worker perhaps...they aren't close...but they do know one another."
"Roses," she said suddenly. "She worked with roses." "She is a
horticulturist," Mulder replied. "One of the best in Washington,
actually."

 Suddenly, there was a loud clamor coming from the hallway, outside the
door. Nastasha shook her head, coming out of the trance. "What's that
noise?" she whispered. "I lost the image." The door swung open and a
tall, lanky, dark-haired man sashayed into the room. "The Stupendous
Yappi has arrived!" he announced loudly. "Mr. Yapp..." Nastasha began.
"Shhh! I am seeing something!"  he cut her short. "A robbery...a male
stranger...tall, dark and handsome...there is friction between
them...they fight...she smacks him in the face...and I see lilacs..."
Yappi started sniffing at the rug as Nastasha stared at him, not quite
sure what to make of this man who had just contradicted her visions. "Uh
oh," she moaned, closing her eyes. "What is it?" Mulder demanded,
pushing Yappi out of the way to get to his friend. She turned to speak,
but retched at his feet and collapsed. "Is she okay?" Yappi asked. "She
will be," Mulder answered. "She just gets like this after predictions."
"You're telling me she's a psychic?" the other man scoffed. "Is that so
unbelievable?" Mulder retorted, rather indignantly. "And who hired you
anyways?" "I hired myself," Yappi replied. "I had a strong energy force
about this case." "I hope you're willing to charge yourself by the
hour," the agent snapped back. "Hey!" Yappi exclaimed. "Now I remember
you! You're the idiot who nearly messed up my last police case with your
negative vibes!"

 "Ugh," Nastasha groaned, opening her eyes to see Yappi. "You still
here?" "Yes," he told her. "I am now part of this investigation. If
you're so psychic you must have seen what I did." "No..." Nastasha said.
"Quite the opposite, to be truthful." "Fraud," Yappi scoffed. "FRAUD?"
she repeated. "Why, you're the one with the hokey infomercials." "Well,"
the Stupendous Yappi huffed. "At least I am renowned." "Well," Nastasha
snorted back. "At least I don't rely on a stupid hotline for my source
of income!" "At least," Yappi spat back. "I didn't puke all over the
crime scene!" "At least," Nastasha began, struggling for the right
words. "At least I'm not an egomaniacal, self-absorbed phoney!" "I'm not
the phoney," Yappi pouted. "You are." Yappi stuck out his tongue at her.
"Uh huh." "Nya uh." "Uh huh." "Nya uh." "Stop it!" Mulder shouted. "This
is ridiculous!" He turned to Yappi. "You're not authorized to be here so
get out." "Well," Yappi fumed. "We'll just see who comes crawling back
when this fake fails you!" "You're the fake," Nastasha insisted. "Am
not!"  "Am too!" "Goodbye," Mulder stated and ushered Yappi out of the
room. "Am not!" he could hear as he shut the door. "Arrrg!" Nastasha
growled. "That man is impossible!" "Well, that's the Stupendous Yappi
for you," Mulder sighed. "Look we've done all we can for now. Why don't
you go home and get some rest." "That doesn't sound like a bad idea,"
she replied, stifling a yawn. "I'm going to the Psychic Fair tomorrow.
Why don't you come with me?" "It's a date," Mulder smiled. "I'll pick
you up in the morning."

 The moon was shining brightly as Nastasha took her first whiff of
crisp, fresh air. "Nice night," she thought to herself, as she turned
the corner. She began humming to herself, walking along the deserted
streets. Suddenly, a hand grabbed her roughly by the shoulder. "Give me
all you've got!" a gruff voice demanded. "I don't have much," she
gasped, producing her wallet. "Everything," the robber said. "That's
it!" she protested. He advanced towards her and she took off, screaming.
Nastasha ran into the middle of the street, not noticing the oncoming
headlights. The car came to a screeching halt, just barely missing her.
"Are you a total nutbar or something!" a voice snapped at her. "My
driver could have killed you!" She focused her eyes and saw a long black
limo and a distraught man in front of her. "I'm sorry," she began. "I
was robbed...I started running..." The figure approached her in the
blackness until they were eye to eye. "You!" they both shouted at the
same time. "Well, look who needs my help," Yappi grumbled. "I don't want
YOUR help," Nastasha growled back. "Goodnight." And with that she
stormed home.

 Nastasha woke up to an insistent pounding on her door. "Hey, Tasha," a
familiar voice called out, as the banging continued. "Get up! It's
11:00." "The fair!" she exclaimed sitting up. "Hold on, Mulder," she
yelled. "Just a second." She rushed around, looking for a brush. "Hurry
up!" Mulder said. "Alright!" Nastasha snarled, swinging open the door.
"Give me a goddamn minute!" "Oh, Nastasha," Mulder laughed. "I'm sorry."
He gently pulled the brush out of her tangled hair and said, "Rough
night, hmmm?" "Terrible, Mulder," she sighed. "It was awful. I had my
wallet stolen, so now I'm practically broke, and to make matters worse,
I ran into that creep, Yappi when I was fleeing!" "It'll be okay," her
friend smiled. "Maybe you'll feel better after getting some fresh air."
"You really want to go to that psychic fair badly, don't you?" Nastasha
smirked. "Well, c'mon then."

 "It would have to be raining," Mulder quipped, as they reached the fair
site. "Relax," Nastasha said. "They've got tents set up. It kind of adds
to the atmosphere, don't you think?" "Yeah," Mulder shrugged. "I guess
so. Let's find the palm readers." "You remind me of my six year old
nephew when I took him to the zoo," she snickered. "I hope I don't lose
you in the crowds." "Ha ha ha," he retorted, ruffling her hair. "Tash."
"Fox," she laughed back, teasingly. "Oh look, a food stand!"
"Clairvoyant Cola," Mulder joked. "Coka Cola with the price jacked up
even more so than usual." "I haven't eaten since yesterday," Nastasha
answered. "I should really buy a Sandwich or something." "Sure thing,"
Mulder said. "I'll be over there getting my future told." Nastasha just
shook her head as he disappeared into one of the blue tents. She turned
around and bumped into someone, knocking them over." "Watch where you're
going!" a voice yelled. "I'm so sorry, Sir," Nastasha apologized,
extending her arm to help the man up. "You again!" the man exclaimed.
"Yappi!" she gasped. "Stupendous Yappi to you!" he shot back, picking
himself up off the ground. "And my God are you clumsy!" "Hmph," Nastasha
said, rolling her eyes. "And a good day to you too!"

 "Where's Mulder?" she thought, glancing around. She peeked into one of
the tents to find her friend and six others engaged in a seance.
"Great," she mumbled. "This will take another hour." "Hey," she
shrugged. "At least there are carnival rides."

 "How much to go on the roller coaster?" she asked. "Three bucks," the
man at the ticket booth replied. "Alright," she agreed. "Seems
reasonable." She sat herself down in one of the front seats as others
boarded. "Excuse me," someone asked. "May I sit beside you? It's the
last seat available." "Sure," Nastasha said and glanced over at the
stranger who casually sat, sipping his "Cosmic Cola". The ride began
with a terrible jerk and her companion's drink was flung all over her.
"Ooh shit," the man gasped. "I'm really sorry about that." "Eh,"
Nastasha replied, turning to him. She could only see the back of his
head. "That haircut..." she thought. "It can't be!" Nastasha stared at
the man, growing angrier by the second. "Again!" she shrieked. "Pardon?"
the guy yelled over the noise of the coaster. "What did you say?" She
found herself looking into the face of a total stranger. "Nothing," she
lied.

 The ride came to a grinding stop and Nastasha stumbled out of the seat
and onto solid earth. "Hey," the stranger said. "I'm really, really
sorry about the cola. Can I make it up to you?" "Forget about it," she
sighed. "No, I work for an infomercial," the man continued. "My name is
Harold. Harold Stratford. We could use an extra for out psychic show. I
can get you a new wardrobe." "Well...okay," she complied. "Why not."

 Harold led her into a large canvas where video cameras were set up.
"We're going to shoot in five," he told her. "There's a changing room
over there with some clothes." Nastasha emerged in a slinky black dress,
just as the host was beginning. "Welcome," she said. "To the Psychic
Connection. This is Stazia Van Tekko and we are live from the Washington
Psychic Fair. Here today, we have five real people who will have their
fortunes told on the air by our gifted psychics." Stazia turned to
Nastasha. "What's your name, luv?" "Nastasha," she replied. "I'm
actually somewhat of a clairvoyant myself." "Really?" Stazia beamed.
"How would you like to prove your abilities by telling one of the other
guests' future with one of our very own psychics. If you can both come
to the same conclusions, consider yourself hired here at Stupendous
Yappi Productions." "Stupendous what?" Nastasha said, growing pale.
"Yappi," Stazia smiled. "Our top psychic. And here he comes now! Ladies
and gentlemen, the one, the only, Stupendous Yappi!" "Ahhh!" he yelped,
noticing Nastasha. "Yappi, this is Nastasha," Stazia "introduced" them.
"She'll be working with you for today." "Okay..." he said meekly, not
wanting to disappoint the public. "Where's the first person to get a
free reading?" "Mrs. Allanah Hill," Stazia announced, leading the woman
to the two psychics. "You are about to start a new job," Yappi began.
"Or not...you could be in a long-term position already, at the head of a
major corporation." "She just got fired," Nastasha cut in. "From her job
at the bakery." "Yes, but I see a big corporate position," Yappi
growled. "Well?" Stazia asked. "They're both right," Allanah said. "I
just lost my job as a baker but I have an interview with a prestigious
catering company next week." "You'll get the job," both Yappi and
Nastasha told her at once. "And now," Yappi, said. "I think it is time
for a commercial." He walked over to one of the cameramen and pulled the
plug on the recorder. "Uh, Mr. Yappi," he said. "What is it?" the
psychic snarled. "The other six cameras are still on."

 "Are you crazy?" Yappi yelled at Nastasha, once the commercials were
rolling. "Who let you on the set anyways?" "Harold," she replied. "And
if I'd known it was YOU who was the 'gifted psychic', I  wouldn't have
agreed to appear on this show!" "You guys, that was great!" Stazia
interrupted. "They've aired it at the arena. Half the fair was watching
and they love it! They want more."

 "Hello, I'm Stazia Van Tekko and we're back here, live with The
Stupendous Yappi and Nastasha the Magnificent." "Yes, thank you," Yappi
said. "Next we have a Mr. Jack Moore and his wife Natalie." "You seem to
be having marital problems," Nastasha began. "Something to do with
children." "They don't have any kids," Yappi stated. "So THAT can't
possibly be it." "Well, actually," Natalie Moore blushed. "Jack wants a
baby and we've been trying for years with no success." "Well, Jack does
love you," Nastasha said. "I see a little girl in the future if you can
open your spiritual side." "Buy some fertility statues," Yappi added.
"We have some on sale at one of the booths over there." "Amazing!"
Stazia replied. "You've seen it folks. The sheer wonderment of these two
gifted psychics when they work together. They are stupendously
magnificent! Now who is the last person?" "A Mr. Walter Skinner," Yappi
said. "You have a tremendous fear of bees," Nastasha said. "And
cigarettes for some reason..." Yappi joined in. "You're here because
you're searching for a friend." "You'll find him in the paranormal
booth, sifting through alien autopsy and Roswell crash pictures,"
Nastasha replied, with a wink. "And is this true, Mr. Skinner?" Stazia
questioned. "Yes..." he answered. "Now excuse me, I have to find this
friend of mine." "And this is all the time we have for today," Stazia
smiled into the camera. "Tune in next week, when we're back in the
studio. We'll have a special guest appearance from Uri Gellar." "3-2-1
cut," the cameraman mouthed. "Wow! How did you pinpoint the exact place
of that guy?" "Call it gut instinct," Nastasha replied. "Hey...he was
looking for that Mulder friend of yours wasn't he?" Yappi asked. "You
know them both!" She just flashed him a grin and walked back outside to
the rain.

 "Hey I'm surprised I haven't upchuck...oops...spoke too soon." Nastasha
fell to her knees and vomited. "Hey, are you okay?" a man asked. "Yeah,"
she said, waving her hand. "I will be." "She's Nastasha the
Magnificent!" someone shouted. People began to gather around her. "Can I
have your autograph?" "What's it like working with The Stupendous
Yappi?" "Can you tell me my future?" "Are you really psychic?" Nastasha
ran screaming, the mob at her heels, increasing speed with each step.
Not knowing what else to do, she ducked into the House of Mirrors,
panting. She took a step backwards and hit something, "Ahhhhhh!" she
screamed. "Ahhhhhhh!" was the response. "Hello Yappi," she sighed,
without turning around. "Hello Nastasha," he replied. "Is this some
cruel, sick twist of fate?" she asked, her back still flat against his.
"No," he said. "A mass of fans chased me until I slipped into here." "Me
too," Nastasha answered. She felt herself being swung around and the
next thing she knew, she was in his arms, his lips on hers.
"Ow!!!!!!!!!!" Yappi exclaimed as she belted him square in the jaw.
"What was that for?" He rubbed his mouth, checking for loose or missing
teeth. "Don't you ever, EVER do that again," Nastasha growled. "They're
in there!" a voice outside ended the conversation. "Oh shit!" Yappi
whispered. "We've gotta get out of here!" "It's a maze!" Nastasha
seethed. "We're stuck!" "Take my hand," Yappi said. "Follow me. I'll
find a way out." They stumbled about in the near-darkness, smacking into
mirrors and dead ends. "They're getting nearer!" Nastasha cried out, as
the sound of footsteps filled the room. "Aw, to hell with it," Yappi
replied and began kicking the mirrors until they shattered and the
frames broke. "There! There's the exit!"

 They ran into the light, the afternoon drizzle becoming suddenly
welcoming. "That was close!" Nastasha gasped. "Holy crap, that was
awful!" "You're claustrophobic aren't you?" Yappi grinned. "How'd you
know?" she smirked. "The Stupendous Yappi knows all and sees all," he
retorted. "You're a bullshitter," she said. "That too," he replied. "I
figured it out by the way your palms were sweating." "Where are we going
to go?" Nastasha questioned. "Everyone knows who we are." Suddenly, two
of the fair workers, dressed as wizards and wearing false beards
approached them. "Hey," one of them said. "It's that Tasha chick and her
sidekick." "That's NAStasha!" she corrected. "Yeah whatever," the other
laughed. Nastasha and Yappi glanced at one another and nodded.

 "Do you think that they'll sue us when they come to?" Yappi asked,
adjusting the fake beard. "I think you left them enough money," Nastasha
answered, straightening the pointy wizard hat. "Can we please get
something to eat."

 "Thank god for the food court," she said, between mouthfuls of
hamburger. "How much do I owe you for this?" "Mcdonalds charged me fifty
bucks," he replied. "For both meals?" she questioned. "No, just yours,"
he said, miserably, taking a swig of "Psychic Soda".

 "Hello," a voice said. "I'm from The Psychic Circle magazine and we're
giving away prizes to those who can answer our skill-testing question
accurately." The two looked up from their meal to see a well-dressed man
accompanied by a camera crew. "Sure," Yappi said. "Go for it." "Name the
TV psychic who performed live for us today here at The Washington
Psychic Fair." "Me," Yappi said, ripping off the beard. "Stupendous
Yappi." "Yes..." the man said. "Ollie, can we still give him the prize?"
"Guess so," the cameraman replied. "Yes, Stupendous Yappi is the right
answer. And our winner is...uh...Stupendous Yappi..." "What's the
prize?" Nastasha asked, curiously. "Two front row seats to see the
hottest musical revival in town!" the man answered. "Which musical is
that?" Yappi inquired. "Why Kismet of course!" the man laughed. "Now may
I ask why you are running around the fair in that ridiculous outfit?"
"It's a secret," Yappi said. "Well," the man replied. "Another publicity
stunt curtesy of Stupendous Yappi." "They're over by the food court!" a
woman shouted. "C'mon!" "Oops, gotta run," Yappi stated as he and
Nastasha bolted. "Look!" Yappi gasped. "There's another mob in front of
us!" "And beside us too!" Nastasha exclaimed. "To the left," he ordered.
"It's a dead end!" Nastasha whined, as the crowd closed in around them.

14 exhausting hours later...

 "My hand is cramping," moaned Nastasha. "I think I've got carpel tunnel
syndrome from signing all those autographs." "And the worst thing is
that we didn't even make any money from it," Yappi groaned. "Where's my
agent when I need him?" "Mulder must have left by now," she continued.
"So I have no way of getting home and it's still raining." "What time is
it?" Yappi asked, attempting to sit up. "4:00 am," she replied. "The
fair was supposed to close five hours ago." "I hurt..." he said,
flopping back in his chair. "I don't think I can move." "My brain
hurts," she added. "I've got to be back in the studio in two hours,"
Yappi stated. "Where's the camera crew, Stazia, Harold and my limo
driver?" Nastasha pointed to a group of people who lay sprawled on the
tent floor, snoring loudly. "Maybe it's the delirium setting in," she
began. "But I think we work well together." "Yeah," Yappi agreed. "Here
you go, co-star." He handed her a bouquet of lilacs. "Some fan gave them
to me," he said. "But I'm allergic to pollen." "Thanks," Nastasha
replied, leaning her head on his shoulder. He bent down to kiss her and
this time, she didn't protest. "Would you care to accompany me to
Kismet?" he asked. She smiled warmly and replied, "I think that would be
stupendously magnificent."

THE END