Title: Sui Generis (Latin: weird, odd, and bizarre)
Author: Kerttu
E-mail: kukkurkruat(at)yahoo(dot)com

Krycek lay on her side and was staring into space.
"How are you feeling?"
She shrugged, eyes indifferent. "Tired," she finally reacted. 'Well, she does look tired', Scully 
thought when she closed the door.
She sat on the bed again.
"You didn't imagine us being here when..."
"I didn't."
"What were you planning to do?"
"To go to the nearest emergency room." She finally looked at Scully.
"Could have worked..." Scully approved. "But what then?"
"I would have found a way." Krycek shifted a bit. "Why are you helping me?"
"You're obviously not prepared for this. You could use some help."
"You've changed your speciality?"
"No, but I have delivered two babies. One as a doctor and the other as a..." Scully stopped, 
feeling that her voice would give her loss away completely. "Anyway..."
"Yeah... You have more experience. How long does it take then?"
"Couple of hours more, considering the period you have already had the contractions."
"And it gets worse?"
"Stronger."
"Just what I need." Krycek sighed and turned her eyes away again.
"It can be helped. With correct breathing..." - Krycek snorted - "...and with the back rubbing."
"The same you did?"
"Yes."
"That seemed to work, at least." Alex was looking at her again. Scully watched her face and 
wondered for a moment what would have happened if instead of her, Krycek had been Mulder's 
first partner. When the change of gender would have happened while Mulder and Krycek had 
been trusting friends? Krycek would have probably still loved him... And they might have become 
lovers... even before the sex change. 'And most definitely after it. Mulder couldn't have resisted a 
living and adoring X-file who would be in his reach and begging for his help... and support. Yes, 
they would have been... lovers.' Scully hoped that the jealousy she felt flashing through her didn't 
register on her face in any way. 'At least... she has pretty looks.' Dana found herself comparing 
Krycek with Diana Fowley - and Krycek won. 'Scully, what are you thinking'
"Oh shit..." Krycek's voice brought her out from the weird reveries. Scully focused and saw her 
clutching the pillow. It was another contraction.
She reached across her - big she really was - to give Krycek a second back rub. While she was 
smoothing the tensed muscles she tried to explain what she was doing.
"These points are supposed to be linked to the nerves that have endings in the internal organs, 
the uterus included-"
"You... believe that?" Krycek whispered in a strangled voice.
"It is scientifically plausible, though more commonly used in Oriental tradition..." Scully felt Krycek 
getting more comfortable under her hands. "But even relieving the muscle tension helps you to 
feel better."
Krycek sighed and relaxed. "This is hell."
"But it ends." Scully unbuttoned her suit jacket, she felt hot - it had been a hard work. "May I ask a 
question?"
"You would probably ask it any way." Krycek got rewarded with one of the 'oh-you-know-me-so-
well' looks. She smirked in return, still a bit out of breath.
"How did you change? If you did."
"IF?" Krycek almost laughed. "I'm in labour, for God's sake, and you're suspicious over whether I 
changed?? Or have you suspected me being a woman all the time? Even the first time we saw 
each other."
"No, you're were an annoying young man to my eyes then but I'd never seen you naked."
"Yeah... But I was a man..."
"Then how did you change?" Scully made herself more comfortable.
"I fell asleep... like hibernating or something." Krycek brushed a hand through her hair. Scully 
noticed that she did that again with her left hand. "You see, the week before -"
"When did it occur?"
"Last spring. I slept from the end of February to the first days of March. It took about a week."
"In a way it would make sense... something similar to the transformation butterflies go through."
"Me, a butterfly? I think that in my case a common house fly would be more accurate."
"You're not so hairy-" Scully abruptly stopped, finding that she was answering to Krycek as she 
would have done with Mulder. Somehow it was damn easy to play the game 'following-the-
tangents' with Alex, too. 'And from what point did I start referring to her as "Alex"? Mmm, although 
it is a genderless name.' "What were you saying about the week before you transformed?" she 
regained her scientific posture.
"I was hungry all the time... and I wolfed like crazy. And I was also exceedingly sleepy."
"Your body was storing nutrients and getting ready for the transition. You were probably hungry 
when you woke up?"
"Starving."
"Were you aware of having changed?"
"No." Krycek shifted again, trying to get a better position to lay. It felt good to talk; it kept the focus 
off of the things that were happening around and inside of her. "I remember stumbling to the 
bathroom and drinking directly from the tap, I was parched, you see, and when I finally 
straightened up, I saw from through the window that the trees were freshly leafed and the snow 
gone. When I went to take a leak, I found something else gone, too."
Scully found herself feeling amused by this, perhaps it was the way she told the story.
"Krycek... Do you remember the disc you brought me?"
"Yes."
"There was a file on you."
Krycek stared at her. "On me?"
"On you. You were a test-tube baby. One of the first in the world. There were accounts of your 
DNA and blood work, the whole medical file."
"I was a test?"
"Seems so."
"Did it show anything to explain this?" she pointed at her protruding body.
"In a way. I showed your DNA to a specialist, who, quite frankly, hadn't seen anything quite like 
that before. But you are human nonetheless. He did mention the possibility that there might be 
something tricky about the gender of the DNA owner." Scully drew a breath and seeing Krycek's 
expression, added quickly: "I didn't enlighten him about who this particular person was or what is 
supposed to have happened to him-her, whatever."
"So I was a test... Yippee... Mulder is right. I'm a rat, a lab-rat."
'I'm a very special lab-rat' echoed words on Scully's mind. Gibson Praise had said that... It looked 
as if any one who came into a contact with X-files had been poked and probed somehow. Mulder 
had been operated on, she herself had been through thousands of medical treatments, some of 
which she remembered and some she didn't... Even Skinner had his encounter with the 
nanotechnology - which Krycek so willingly provided. "You made Skinner your personal guinea 
pig."
Krycek was silent for a moment. Then she simply stated: "I needed to know what was happening 
in the FBI. He wouldn't have given me anything freely."
"You killed him."
"I also brought him back. He had to believe that I was serious or he would've beaten the crap out 
of me again and called in the hyenas. The smoking kind."
Scully wanted to ask something more, but the door opened and when Mulder stepped in, he 
found himself facing two guns, both pointed at him
"Whoa, ladies!"
"Mulder, damnit!! Knock!" Scully put her gun back, wondering from were Krycek's had come from. 
She hadn't seen her reach for it.
Now the gun was beside her and she was gasping. Her labour was advancing.
"Mulder, come here. Sit on that side of the bed. Good. Now do this..." Scully took Mulder's hands 
and showed.
"You want me to massage her?"
"You better learn it, I might need it some day."
That shut Mulder up. 'But this is weird... even by my standards this IS weird...'
"I'll get some water to drink." Scully stood and went out leaving them in this awkward situation.
Krycek closed her eyes and lay there, doing her best not to move either away from Mulder's 
hands or closer to them.

"That's enough." Krycek sounded tired.
Mulder stopped his kneading and shrugged his wrists. "That's rough."
"Yeah..." She closed her eyes, feeling already exhausted. 
"I think you're doing fine..."
"Oh, please! " She turned and faced Mulder looking over her shoulder. "Spare me the bed-side 
manners!"
"I just..." Mulder's voice was sheepish but he looked gorgeous. 'How can he look so good? How 
does he dare to look so good, when I'm feeling so bad?' Krycek felt anger pushing energy in her 
system. 'Adrenaline-junky, me?'
"That's right! Actually..." she paused and smiled not a nice smile. "- it should be you here! You put 
me in this... ungraceful situation! You are the guilty party in this trial. You-"
Pain whipped through her again and she tried not to moan. She felt his hands on her back doing 
the rubbing Scully had taught, but it was becoming useless.
"It... is just... getting worse." She hissed, when she could talk again.
"It's supposed to."
"No, it's not! I'm not supposed to be here in pain giving birth to your child!"
"My child?" Mulder came around the bed and looked straight at Alex. "Now it's my child?"
"Yes, yours! And has always been!"
"So why the lie?"
"Isn't that something I do best?" Krycek half-grinned. "But it's yours."
"How do you know?"
"Jesus... Whatever you think I am, a whore I'm not. There was no one else."
Scully, who came back with a tray, heard the last comment and halted behind the door. 
Eavesdropping or not, she had to hear this.
She could imagine the face going with Mulder's shocked mumbling voice. "But it happened just 
once..."
"I must be really lucky then." Krycek's voice was dripping with sarcasm.
Scully felt her entrance call.
"It just takes one time." Arguing parties looked up at her. She put the tray on the nightstand. 
There was a large jug with three glasses. "Do you want some?"
"Yeah..." Krycek nodded but shot a glance at Mulder. "But I remember three times in one night..." 
Her tone was half-vicious.
'So do I' thought Scully and peeked at Mulder. 'Is it his trademark, while knocking women up?' 
Out loud she said: "It seemed to have done the trick." The room temperature lowered 
considerably. She sat by Krycek, blocking Mulder out, who had to go back to his previous position 
behind Alex's back.
The glass in Krycek's hand shook. "Here... we go..." She thanked Scully in her mind, who 
grabbed the glass, before it fell to the floor. She buried her face to the pillow and smothered her 
wish to scream or yell or something along those lines.
When she came up for the air, Scully gave her a stern doctor's look.
"What?" she gasped, face flushed and sweaty.
"I need to check you."
"No!"
"Then we don't know when to start, and you may die."
Krycek considered arguing, but dying wasn't really high on her list of things to do. "But Mulder 
goes out," came the breathless capitulation.
"Done." Scully promised without hesitating.
"You're not asking me at all?" croaked Mulder.
"No. Now go!" Scully gave him a look, too. Krycek felt her hair stand on end, when she noticed 
Scully's eyes and the determination in them. 'Now I understand how she was able to shoot him.'
Mulder went out, rubbing his neck.
"Now, let me see..."
Krycek bore this examination, the forth of this kind in her life, like she had born all the other not 
lethal but unpleasant events before. She stared the ceiling, now so familiar from the nights she 
couldn't sleep. She had also noticed, that Scully still wore her gun. 'It's just fitting that I'd have a 
midwife who's armed... Damn appropriate.' Scully's hands left her and she relaxed.
"You have an hour to go, tops." She heard her saying. 'Thank God, she spared me from the 
details...'
"I can live with that... I think."
"I assume that you have no idea, in what position your child is?"
"No, I didn't get to do the baby-book with the pre-natal pictures."
"So we don't know how hard or easy this is going to be..."
"You mean, whether I'm living or dying?" Scully realised that she was serious. 'She's afraid... 
Well, there's first time for everything.' But she had to give her confidence right now; that was her 
role as a doctor. 'Midwife for Krycek? Scully, what's next?'
"Don't think we'll come to that. I'll call Mulder back in."

Krycek's head flopped on Mulder's shoulder. "I... can't do it."
She had been huffing and puffing for a half an hour and she was exhausted. Scully had ordered 
him to help Krycek, but he really didn't know what else he could do other than talk.
"Yes, you can." He was feeling bloody hot, trapped behind Krycek and steadying her when she 
struggled for the release of her child. Moreover, she was sweating like a pig. 'Do pigs actually 
sweat?' "Scully, how are we doing?"
"Well enough. Krycek!"
"No... don't make me..." Mulder heard her whisper near his ear. She sounded almost like crying.
"You have to!"
And she found the strength again. And again. And again, until...

"A boy."
"Huuh," was all that Krycek could manage. There were two things in the world she really didn't 
want to go through again - getting an arm lopped off for one and childbirth for the other. Now she 
just wanted to sleep. She felt shudders of exhaustion racking through her body, she was aware, 
that Mulder moved her against the pillows...

"Krycek..." It was Scully again. Her voice brought her back from the drowning fatigue. She blinked 
at her.
"It's not entirely over yet."
"What..."
"You still have to help me here, a little."
"God..." She was so tired. Somebody was pouring something into a glass. She felt thirsty, too. 
Then Mulder sat by her side her again; he was holding a glass and offering it to her. She made an 
effort to take it, but she saw how her hands shook. 'No use.' Then the glass moved closer to 
quench her thirst and she was beyond caring how she would look while letting herself be spoon-
fed. 'But there is no spoon...' Mulder touched her cheek -'How am I able to recognise his touch? 
Even now...'- and she opened her eyes.
"Scully's ready when you are."
She somehow managed to... but that was her limit. She fell to the pillow and was gone. The last 
picture Krycek registered, was Scully, who took the baby up and was carrying it to the table. 
'Probably for cleaning and wrapping---'

"Will she be alright?"
"Yes, I think so." Scully put the child beside her mother, the bed was big enough for them both, 
and the newborn would feel safer close to a familiar person. She had also done everything to 
make Krycek as comfortable as possible. The ex-G-man/thug/assassin snored with exhaustion 
and hadn't even moved when Scully had laid the child by her side. "It's just unusual that a mother 
falls asleep so quickly."
"How come?" Mulder sounded baffled. "It's a major effort."
"Well, the nature has made us so, that we manage to feed our offspring at once. I didn't feel like 
sleeping at all after William was born." Scully glanced at Krycek. "Then again, she wasn't 
originally a woman, perhaps the energy levels aren't the same."
"But she's OK?"
"As far as I could tell, yes." In her sleep Krycek appeared just a tired human, and not at all the 
usual cocky personality. Like this - Scully realised with a start - she could actually like her.
Scully stretched her back and looked at Mulder who still seemed to be consumed by the 
Madonnaesque tableau in front of him.
"How does it feel to be a father? Again?"
"I ... don't know. I never imagined I'd sire a child with..."
"A known criminal?"
"For one." He stepped closer and watched the child. This new son of his was done with his vocal 
exercises for this night and slept now. "I don't think I have so long lashes, Scully," he whispered.
"Then those must be mother's."
"Why didn't I want to hear that?"
"Guilt?"
"Yep." After another longish inspection of his son's appearance - and after finding some other 
unnerving resemblances to the child's mother - he followed Scully to the kitchen.
They both needed to have a moment to wind down.

25th of January, Sunday, 2004
It was a little after midnight, when Mulder returned from his second night round.
"He's still asleep." Mulder came up close to her and accepted the mug of coffee.
"The baby or Krycek?" Scully cradled her mug - of tea - in her palms and waited Mulder to correct 
his slip, but he had to be more tired than she thought.
"Both..." answered Mulder, rubbing his nose, "although I meant Krycek."
"She."
"Mm?"
"Krycek - she."
"Yes..." He did still think occasionally about that... that person as 'him', although he knew - 
intimately - that 'he' was actually she. Damnit, he had just helped bring her child into the world... 
"Sometimes I can't believe that she is a... she."
"Can't or won't?"
"What?"
"Never mind. Just the slogan came to my mind."
"Which one?"
"The one in our office, Mulder."
'I want to believe.' Now it sounded mocking, a cruel joke of destiny. He had wanted to believe in 
the unexplained. Now he had done something he couldn't explain even to himself. 'Does that 
qualify as unexplained?' Mulder sighed and noticed that Scully had said something.
"What?"
"It's going to be hard," mumbled Scully now louder from her mug. She looked like she, too, could 
use some sleep.
"Krycek having a child to care for? Sure."
"Yes... and how will the future turn out... for your children, Mulder."
"What a mess," Mulder agreed and hugged her. "You should sleep." Her hair was soft to push 
fingers into...
"And you?" She almost purred when he was rubbing her neck and relieving the tension there. 
And his smile was warm when he said:
"I'm the infamous insomniac."

Mulder had tucked Scully under a light blanket and now she slept there, curled up on a couch. He 
watched her, her face now so serene in her sleep and he couldn't understand why he had slept 
with someone else. Especially with the particular someone who now dozed in the next room... 
and was the mother of his child.
He shook his head. He knew that he had a unique and powerful talent to fuck up his personal life 
but this time he had exceeded everything he had done before.
Mulder sighed and run his fingers through his hair. He didn't know what to do. Finally he stood 
and tiptoed out. The door of the bedroom was ajar, and when he walked by he saw that Krycek 
had changed her position but was still sleeping. So was the child, the bundle in the makeshift 
cocoon...
"My child... God..." He headed to the kitchen, refilled his mug and sat behind the table.
'I have a son... and soon a daughter... with different women. How? How did I end up like this? I 
started out to look for the truth and now the truth is that I'm a father...' He sipped the lukewarm 
beverage, shuddered because of the disgusting taste and poured the coffee down the drain. 
There was no way to make more coffee without a making noise, so he sadly decided to go 
without. After some useless fighting with yawning, he sneaked back into the living room, seated 
himself in the armchair and, putting his gun into his lap, he readied himself to keep a sleepy vigil. 
A quarter of an hour later he was asleep, safe and sound.

Something woke Krycek. She was still extremely tired and she also felt very cold. 'Fever? Why 
not, I'd probably deserve to die...' She tried to pull the covers closer, but something lay heavily on 
it. She turned her head.
And saw the child.
Her child.
Her and Mulder's child.
The newborn had also wakened, shifting inside the blanket, but hadn't made a sound. 'Careful 
little bastard, aren't you?' She rolled cautiously closer, being acutely aware of her body and the 
ordeal it had gone through. For a moment she wasn't sure, whether she should reach out and 
touch him at all. In that way she would make a connection, and she feared that it was something 
she shouldn't do. What joy would a child have of a mother who is hunted most of her time, whose 
instincts are trained to keep a person alive...
But now the tiny snippet of a man made a small sound. It was so quiet, so careful, but full of fear 
before loneliness. More precisely - being left alone, being left behind... Something she had 
learned in the silo.
Something changed with that moment. Krycek knew that she wouldn't ever forget this moment or 
the sound or the need to touch her child.
So she reached out her hand and caressed his head with the tips of her fingers and he settled 
and fell back to sleep.
"He recognised you."
Mulder's voice made her jump. 'My well-tuned survival instincts are totally shot...' Krycek looked 
at him for a second, not particularly wanting to know, what he thought about this moment of 
weakness. Mulder seemed sleepy, he stifled a yawn when he walked closer and took a seat by 
the child. 'So this is how your father looks... but you won't see him, because you sleep.' In a way 
she felt bad that he probably would never see Mulder again, but then, what good had come from 
the fact that she had seen him... 'Perhaps it's better for you that you don't.'
"How do you feel?"
"Like being run over by a herd of overweight elephants." She refused to raise her eyes at him and 
watched her child instead. He was so small in that messed up swaddle, so peaceful... 'Was I ever 
so peaceful? Was I ever so small? So... innocent? Was there a time when I didn't know about the 
X-files and people being manipulated.... Was I?'
"What are you going to do?" Mulder touched the child tentatively and Krycek felt an urge to push 
his hand away. She contained it, answering him instead.
"I'll find another place to live."
"I meant - with the child." He stroked the top of the boy's head.
"What do you care? I somehow doubt that a child with me would look good in your CV. So, don't 
bother playing the father." This made Mulder to pull his hand back.
"It doesn't change the fact that I am his father."
"You think that only because I said so. Have you ever trusted my words? Why start now?"
"Are you changing the story again, Krycek?"
"Actually I'm too tired for that. I'm not up to spinning nice glittering lies." Krycek drew a long 
breath. "And I can't believe that I'm having this conversation with you. I can't even believe most of 
the last year to be true. I can't believe that I have a child." She stopped, shocked that she was 
ranting - and panting too. 'How perfectly pathetic... a hysterical woman in a post-natal situation. 
The dream of my life...'
"I suppose this is the place where I should say that I can't believe that WE have a child. Which is 
actually true." Mulder added and looked at the sleeping body lying between them.
It hurt to hear Mulder use the pronoun 'we' like something dirty. She resisted the anger and just 
shrugged: "All that I'm saying is this: I don't expect you to take care of him. I think he's more of my 
problem."
At that moment the boy opened his dark eyes and looked straight up, at Mulder. Mulder looked 
back.
There was a moment of intense silence, so intense that Krycek was almost waiting for lightning to 
strike.
And it did.
"I think," whispered Mulder very quietly, "that he knows, who I am."
"I don't believe you."
"He... told me."
Krycek blinked and turned to stare at him. "What?"
"He told me." Mulder hadn't yet broken his eye contact with the child. "He somehow... said it to 
me. I'm not kidding."
The bad thing was that Krycek believed him. It scared her.
"How can a child, a few hours old, say-"
"Don't know. It's more like a feeling. Maybe you can feel it too."
"Don't turn my child into an X-file, Mulder."
"I've seen children who are X-files. Even you're one, if the records are right."
"Does it please you to know that I'm a scientific experiment?"
"Not particularly." Mulder resisted the needling Krycek tried on him and at last shifted his gaze. 
The boy squirmed in the blanket, but when Krycek touched him, he relaxed again. And she 
understood what Mulder had said: her son 'emanated' - for the lack of a better word - something, 
a feeling... She felt that he loved her, unconditionally, that he really did know who sat by his 
side... who his father was.
"You feel it, don't you."
She could only nod. She was suddenly so very afraid. She didn't know what to do with this child, 
this... ESP sensitive child, she didn't exactly know how to care for a child, even if it had been a 
normal one... "I can't believe this..."
"You're repeating yourself... That he's an extraordinary thing?"
"Don't you ever get tired of stating the obvious, Mulder?"
"Only on Mondays." The look Mulder got promised no good. So he changed the tactics. "Do you 
want something, water?"
"Yeah..."
This time she managed to drink without help. The cold water, however, brought back the chill she 
had felt when she woke up. There was one particularly strong shiver she couldn't hide, and the 
situation was the more humiliating, because Mulder still hovered over the child. And, of course, 
when one doesn't want to get caught, one does. Mulder noticed it.
"Are you cold?"
"No, I'm happy and pink!"
"I wasn't mocking you." He stood up, in order to rummage through the closets.
"There aren't any more blankets. These two here and the one you obviously gave to Scully." 
Krycek scooted closer to the child, so she could half-hold him. He was warm.
Mulder stood for a moment in the middle of the room, pondering, then walked out and came back 
with Scully's coat. Before Krycek could say anything, it landed on her.
"She won't mind, I'm sure."
"Sure..." But it got warmer and it made her sleepy again.
Mulder sat and watched the child. The child watched him. "I have one question."
"What?"
"Why did you choose to have him?"
"I didn't. I had to." She smiled suddenly without joy. "Seems like I never have a choice..."
"Why?"
"He wouldn't allow himself to be killed. If he had died, so would have I." She closed her eyes, 
relishing the feeling of warmth. "And as you know, I don't want to die."
"Who does... How did you get your arm back?"
"You said that you had one question... I'm tired, Mulder." He didn't move, however. Krycek 
grinned, shaking her head. "Always on the search of the unexplained... Oh God... If it gets you off 
my bed. It just, like that, started to grow back, when I was- mm, on the fourth month. Itched 
before like a bloody acute rash. Will you now go?"
"Okay, sleep." Mulder was visibly dissatisfied with the explanation, but he also understood that 
she wouldn't tell more. At least not now.
He got up and walked out.
And Krycek felt suddenly so alone that she almost lost it. Only a tiny line of self-control, stretched 
to its utter limits, kept her from calling out, begging him to come back. She was afraid, so damn 
afraid of the future. There was no one to support her, not any more.
She fell asleep, sobbing silently.

When she woke, the room was already filled with grey light of a winter morning. She heard 
somebody fumbling in the kitchen. A muffled cough. It sounded like Scully.
She craned her neck and looked at the child. 'My child,' she reminded herself. It was almost 
impossible information to adjust herself into. 'I'm a mother...' Her son moved a little, opened his 
eyes and tracked her face with his eyes. Krycek wasn't sure, but she felt that so small a child 
shouldn't do this yet. But he did. And he wanted to be closer to her, she just knew that he did. 
'Perhaps the ESP is not so bad after all.' She moved carefully closer, so that he lay in the crook of 
her body and she could caress his head with her left hand. 'I tend to prefer to do most things with 
this now. Never noticed it before...' And then he squealed, like a small but very hungry piglet.
The noise in the kitchen stopped and the steps started to come closer. Krycek sighed but braced 
herself for the meeting. The door cracked slowly.
"I'm awake."
Scully nodded and stepped inside. "But Mulder isn't." She eased the door shut and came by her 
side. "How are you two?"
"Probably alright. I'm tired, he... seems to be hungry."
Scully flashed a small smile. "So... what are you going to do about it?"
"Somehow I can't see myself breast-feeding."
"But are you able to lactate? Do you know?"
"Nope, I don't have the faintest clue." She shifted slightly. "By the way, I hope the unusual usage 
of your coat-"
"Don't worry. Your body needs to recuperate. Which reminds me, do you want some tea, I made 
s- what are you laughing at?"
Krycek drew a stuttery breath: "We somehow end up drinking tea... and you taking care of me. 
This seems to be growing into habit."
Scully smiled again. "Life is mysterious. So do you want some?"
"Mm, yes." The boy squealed again. "He seems to want some, too."
"I don't think it's tea he wants..." cooed Scully to the newborn, not even noticing the tone she 
used. Krycek watched her, astonished. This side of Scully was new to her.
"I'm not breast-feeding him," she still firmly stated. 
"Mmm..." Scully thought for a moment. "Are there 24 hour stores somewhere close?"
"There's one in the gas station and another near the liqueur shop." Seeing Scully getting up, 
looking quite determined, Krycek was at a loss: "What are you-" 
"Fetching some things for him. You didn't do that in time."
"I wouldn't have known what to get. If you go, I'll pay for it."
"Really?"
"Really. Take my wallet from the right pocket of the parka."
Scully did, she also found the plam. "You used this thing with skill..."
"I have had some experience... Only on aliens." Krycek added, noticing her inquiring expression. 
Scully tiptoed out, but her cautiousness was not rewarded - before she got to the door, it opened, 
revealing the sleepiest Mulder Krycek had ever seen.
"Hi."
"Go back to sleep. It's early," Scully scolded him with words whereas her voice caressed him. 
Krycek felt a painful knot on her gut that had nothing to do with her health.
"You should go to sleep, in your condition you should take care..." Krycek almost missed that, 
wallowing in her pain. 'What is he talking about?'
"I'm fine, really. There's tea in the kitchen." and she slipped out, only to return bringing the blanket 
and changing it for the coat. "Bring her a cup too, I promised her." And she was gone again. The 
door of the apartment clanged shut and the fresh parents were alone with their offspring.
Who started to make silent sounds of discontentment.
"What's his problem?" yawned Mulder and stretched his back.
"He's hungry."
The look in Mulder's face was priceless. Krycek was willing to bet her life on the fact that there 
were many 'low-cut' pictures going through Mulder's twisted mind about how exactly she should 
appease her son's hunger. "I'm not going to give you any voyeuristic pleasure, Mulder. And 
where's my tea, by the way?"

The tea came and Mulder with it - to sit by her side on the bed.
After sipping it, Krycek looked up: "Are you going to ask me another round of questions? Use the 
situation for your own good?"
"Do you always have to taunt me?" Mulder seemed genuinely bored.
"Oh, that sounds almost as if you like me."
"I might have. You blew your chance." Not noticing how thunderstruck Krycek appeared after 
those words, Mulder watched his son struggle with the blanket and demand food. "He should be 
fed, you know."
"I know."
Mulder's head snapped up: Krycek sounded fragile, in the brink of tears.
She was, although she turned her head away, hiding her eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Hormones."
She was obviously lying but he didn't pursue. He did recognise a humiliating situation when it sat 
in front of him. "I'll go and mop the floor."
"What?"
"The alien you offed?"
"Oh."
Mulder downed the cup's content with three big gulps and left the room. As it turned out, Scully 
had done the mopping, but he didn't want to return to the bedroom. He sneaked by the closed 
door and halted, when he heard what he had expected to hear - Krycek was crying. Very silently, 
but the fact that he could hear it at all, was alarming. She would never make a sound that would 
give her feelings away, unless... 'Unless the feelings are too strong to control. What have I done 
by giving her more to grieve about?' He felt like banging his head against the wall. He had made 
even bigger mistake when sleeping with her than he had thought at first. And now he had 
offended her. Again.

Krycek cried so hard that the sobs almost doubled her over. It had been so raw to hear that she 
might have had a chance... So cruel.
Then an emotion crept into her mind. It was almost unnoticeable at first, but when she noticed its 
existence, it grew stronger. It was love and worry. Her son's feelings were enveloping her like a 
warm soft blanket. Soothing her. She turned to face her son, but she couldn't stop weeping, 
although she felt a little bit better. 'I know that, I know that you love me... I'm just sad.' And he 
understood. She felt so irrationally thankful that she broke down again.

Scully returned with two big bags. After putting them to the small table near the front door, she 
walked first to check Krycek and her son. She seemed to be asleep and the child was quiet, 
though Scully knew that he had to be hungry.
Mulder sat on the living room, on the couch and looked deeply in thought.
"Hello." He raised his eyes, but the smile he gave her didn't reach his eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"I... I suppose I lied in the car," he admitted so quietly that Scully almost didn't hear.
"Would you specify?" she went and took a seat by his side.
"When I told you that I don't feel anything for... her." He paused, watching his hands. "It's not love, 
of course, but... I seem to care, at least now. I didn't want to offend her."
"But you did?"
"Yes." Mulder leaned to the seat. "I made her cry."
"What?"
"With my usual verbal fencing. I didn't mean to."
"I wouldn't have liked to hear that you could do something like that purposefully. And although it 
will sound weird... I think it's good that you care. It is, after all, your son and she is his mother." 
Scully took Mulder's hand. "What I learned with Emily and William" she sighed, "the lesson I 
learned was this: every child is a precious gift. Any child." She squeezed his hand. "And she is 
probably prone to crying right now - she might never admit it but childbirth is an emotional event. 
It can knock one quite out of balance. Even a tough guy, mh, girl like her."
"Then why do I feel so bad?"
"Because you're human, Mulder. Now I'll go and give her a lesson in childcare. Will you be 
alright?"
"Yes."
"Good." She gave him a small but hearty peck on the cheek and went to take her coat off. There 
was a child to feed.

The second look in the bedroom revealed to Scully the true situation: Krycek just pretended to 
sleep in order to avoid attention. She sighed but entered anyway: the boy had to be starving.
"I brought the necessities. And I know you're not asleep."
Now it was Krycek who gave a sigh. Scully shrugged her jacket off and rummaged through the 
bags she had dragged in. "Here," she put the box of tissues within Krycek's reach of the bed.
"How did-"
"They can be used for lots of purposes besides blowing one's nose, however, this is the thing you 
need them for right now. And this too-" she gave her a small package. "Valerian capsules."
"To calm the hysterical mother?"
"To smooth the mood swings." Scully started now in earnest to unpack the bags. "Right... 
Babywipes, the milk formula... Yes, you seem to understand that it's for you.... The diapers, the 
smallest size now, but you need to switch later, you know that, don't you?"
"I do now."
"The feeding bottles-"
"Why so many?"
"To make things easier. You really don't want to wash the single bottle each time after feeding 
him. Especially in the night."
"Good point."
Scully smiled and lectured on, building a pile of things on the edge of the bed. Krycek looked at 
the mountain with horror.
"All this is necessary?"
"And I didn't even bring anything to carry the child with."
"I knew that children were expensive, but that they are so cumbersome..."
"It just takes training, that's all." Scully watched her shaking her head. "It did in my case. I didn't 
expect to get pregnant, too. Not ever. But now it's high time we gave him something to eat and 
put a diaper on him, so this bed or the car seats won't smell for months."

Krycek watched her leave with the milk powder and the feeding bottles. There was a moment of 
dread - what would have happened if she had had to get all these things herself? She couldn't 
imagine herself walking down the aisles of some market and buying them. 'But I will have to... 
Very soon.' Somehow she had hoped that after the birth things would get easier but the situation 
seemed to be the opposite. Yes, she had had nightmares of giving birth on a street or in the 
hands of Consortium - which usually ended up with her dying because of the blood loss or being 
shot. But now, when she had to buy some of these items almost on a daily basis... The chance of 
being exposed increased remarkably: she was doomed to be caught in those supermarket 
surveillance tapes. 'You still may cause me my life, you little rascal.'
"Here we go. I'll show you how to hold him," Scully was back and continued her lesson. Krycek 
tried to pay attention to everything, this ability had kept her alive for years, but nevertheless Scully 
had to help her, when it was her turn to pick the baby up and feed him. It was so strange to hold 
him, totally bizarre. For one, he was so small...
"I'll fix a few sandwiches, are you going to manage?"
"I... think so." Krycek didn't sound very confident, but she held the boy and the bottle steady 
enough, so Scully dared to leave.
'God, this is odd...' Her son - 'what a concept, indeed' - ate hungrily whatever the bottle contained 
and was extremely happy with the situation. Krycek couldn't say the same, but at least she was 
alive. And warm and relatively safe. She still felt jittery inside, probably because of the burst of 
tears. So she balanced the bottle as securely as possible with the one hand and reached with the 
other for the capsules. The herbal remedy couldn't do anything bad, it might even help her. 
Opening the package one-handed wasn't a delight but now her past helped her. She managed to 
get out two capsules and even take them with the cold tea, before Scully came back with the 
sandwiches. By that time the boy had finished his meal and was waving his arms. He felt 
satisfied, Krycek could sense that. 'At least it's relatively easy to make you happy...'
"Do you want some more tea?"
"Yep, I wouldn't like to choke on bread crumbs, after all this it would be a lousy way to die."

The early breakfast was followed by a short war council around Krycek's bed. The child slept 
through that, totally indifferent of the fact that the talk concerned directly his future.
Scully, very aware how much Krycek would have liked to bolt already, tried to find some solution 
how to keep them all together. It would be safer for the boy, for one. Secondly she was still a bit 
uneasy about the way Krycek had dropped off after the birth. She seemed fine now, but Scully 
couldn't be sure that she wouldn't have complications later.
"I'm aware that you'd like to be out of here in an hour, but you're just not up to it yet." Scully 
stated, when Krycek groaned after she had explained that the fresh mother should take things 
really easy for at least a day more.
"But there may be another of those fuckers coming, damnit! And I should just lay here?!" Krycek 
puffed angrily. Scully put her hand on her arm, but Krycek shrugged her off.
"I agree in this part, that this place has lost its security," said Mulder and rubbed his nose. "But I 
also trust Scully's medical expertise."
Krycek turned away, feeling disgusted of her own helplessness - she was dependent on them. 
She hated to be dependent of anything or anyone. "So what is the grand scheme?"
"We get you somewhere out of this city and then provide you-"
"Mulder, if you are trying to put me into a witness protection program... forget it. I'm not going to 
show myself anywhere or testify. I brought you two information in the past, but that will be all! Do 
you really think that I will now go around, with this child and talk about- ah, never mind..." Krycek 
drew a breath and closed her eyes. She still felt too rattled and weary to put up a long argument.
"Are you sure that you want to disappear again?" Scully's tone was careful, though questioning.
"It has worked for me for a long time. Why change it?"
"Because of him."
"He'll be fine!" Alex growled and realised that she had just now protected her son. 'What next, 
Alex? Cooing to him too?'
"If the searchers were only human, I'd believe you. But they're not." Mulder sighed. "Can you spot 
them? We saw that you can eliminate them but can you find them, before they get too close?"
"He senses them."
"So it was him who warned you?" Now Mulder was his usual nosy self.
"Yes, Spooky."
"Hey, calm down, two of you, please!" Scully stood up and starting pacing. "You want to leave." 
Krycek nodded, tired of talk. "And I think it's wise, considering the fact that the bounty hunter 
found you here. But you can't just get up and walk away. You aren't well yet-"
"You said that already."
"I did. What about your car, is it still being repaired?"
"What about it?"
"Tracks." Scully sat in the armchair. "You can't leave it behind. If we start moving, the car has to 
come with us, at least to the next point of civilization. And your son keeps us safe?"
"Yeah... But nothing happens today?"
"Well, no." decided Scully for all of them.
Krycek snarled but gave in. "Then I'll go to the bathroom, and then I want to sleep."

When Krycek was back in bed, the boy beside her and they both asleep, Scully sat down with 
Mulder in the living room and they made some more decisions. One was to get their things out of 
the motel and check themselves out. Then, of course, they needed to deal with the local police. 
Scully saw Mulder's expression - he hated authorities of all kind. Sometimes even the hotel clerks 
were an obstacle for him. So she graciously offered to do all those things herself. Which left 
Mulder with Krycek and the baby, an explosive combination, but there was no other way - 
although Krycek was able to shoot straight, it was better that she had back up.
"And I'll check about her car, too." Scully added, buttoning her coat for the second time in this 
morning.
"Why would they tell you? Unless you use our credentials?"
"Mulder, don't you think I can mislead them, too?" and there was a mischievous gleam in Scully's 
blue eyes.
"You keep me honest, but you lie?"
"Must be the influence of the people I hang around with." Even Mulder smiled to that and gave 
her a kiss for the road.

26th of January, Monday 2004, daybreak.
"What did Mulder mean by your 'condition'?" came a slow question from the back seat.
"Nothing." Scully tried to concentrate on driving but she knew that Krycek wouldn't be satisfied 
with that answer. She was right.
"Cancer?"
"No. Nothing life-threatening."
A pause and then a soft chuckle: "Mulder's really unbelievable, isn't he? He just has to go around 
and knock up people..." and Krycek laughed listlessly.
Scully didn't answer. It did make her angry that Mulder had this fling with Krycek and that she had 
to drive now to get the mother and Mulder's child to a secure place. She was also jealous. 
However, all she could really blame was Mulder and herself, not Krycek and definitely not her 
newborn son.
"You better sleep. You need the rest," was all she answered.
"Yes, ma'am!" And it grew silent in the car. In Krycek's semi-truck, to be exact. She chose to drive 
it, when they had started out on this morning, while it was still dark. The keys of Krycek's 
apartment were back in the hands of the real landlady; everything Alex now owned was in the 
car, between the car seats and Mulder was driving the rental in front of them. Krycek's car's radio 
didn't work but fortunately the heating did, so they all felt rather comfortable. Or had felt so until 
Krycek started to pry about her 'condition'. Scully shrugged her shoulders; the grey morning and 
the exhaustion of the previous night were catching up with her.
Then the boy woke and made that particular sort of hungry yelp, which seemed to have become 
his trademark demand for food. Krycek stirred in the back seat.
"God, he's hungry again..." she yawned.
"Their metabolism is rapid because they're growing."
"I knew that much. Where are the bottles?" Scully had had the sense to fill some of the feeding 
bottles before they started driving.
"In the left bag, on top." Scully glanced at the rear-view mirror and saw that Krycek had it. "Warm 
it up."
"How?"
"Put it against your skin under your shirt. That way we only have to stop to feed him."
"Have you always fed children in the car, Scully?"
"No, but sometimes I warmed the milk like that when it got cold while we took a walk in the park."
"Good thinking."
Ten minutes later - the boy was grizzling all the time, reminding them of what they ought to be 
doing instead of driving - Scully blinked the lights twice. Mulder slowed down and stopped his car, 
so did she.
By the time Mulder had come to them, the boy was happily sucking and the crisis was over.
"What happened?" He looked tired. They needed to find a place to crash or they would become 
statistics in the highway patrol mortality rate report.
Scully cracked the door - the windows didn't work too well. "Dinner-time."
Mulder shot a glance at the back seat and shook his head in disbelief. "This is a view I didn't 
expect to see in my entire life." His breath was visible in the air - it was still very cold.
"Welcome to the club," commented Krycek from the back seat, balancing the bottle.
"How much time do you need?" He inquired, not yet able to stop staring. For a moment Krycek 
stared defiantly back.
"Actually we can go on right now." Scully shifted on the seat and wriggled her fingers. Mulder's 
attention centered on Scully and something about him changed, brightened up somehow.
"Good." He smiled at Scully, who returned it, and he walked back to his car. Scully noticed that 
Krycek swallowed couple of times, but when she saw Scully looking at her, she lowered her head. 
'So she... yep, she does want him. Damn, Mulder! Damn, you, too, Krycek! Damn, damn life!'
She started to follow Mulder's rear lights once again - all the while listening to his son drinking his 
fill behind her, in the lap of another-
"I've thought..." started Krycek to say, but had to stop because the boy kicked the bottle and there 
was nearly a case of spilt milk. When it had been avoided, Krycek continued: "I was saying that 
I've been considering why the alien came after me."
"Why then?" Scully didn't feel like listening much, but the silence and the sucking noises made 
her sleepy - a very dangerous frame of mind on the slippery winter road.
"Because of my child, I think. He must be naturally immune to their toxic blood and maybe even 
to their viral offspring. Maybe they wanted to create an even more potent viral strain to be sure 
they can cut out all they don't want around in their Brave New World."
'At least she seems to have a point.' Scully thought for a split second. "Hmm... May I take a 
sample of his blood to confirm that idea of yours? Because I've suspected something similar. The 
toxic blood didn't affect us. In my case and in Mulder's it must have been the exposure both to the 
virus and to the vaccine... But what about you?"
"I... I think that the only good thing that came out from being a mindless vessel for the E.B.E. was 
the immunity. I've offed enough green-blooded creatures to know what other humans feel when 
the goo starts to ooze out from the nasty guys. It didn't affect me at all."
"So... because the father of the child is inoculated against the virus and the mother has a kind of 
a natural immunity.... Sounds logical." There was a pause, when the only noises came from the 
boy and the wheels eating away... whatever they were eating.
"Your child might be immune too."
"She could." Scully's mind stirred, but too late to take back the revealing pronoun.
"She?" Krycek put the empty bottle away and heard the boy belch even without urging him to. 
'He's too weird, really... too easy for a child.'
"I somehow know that it's a girl. Didn't you?"
"I tried to avoid thinking," lied Alex, very much aware about the journal in her carryall. "And, yes, 
you may take his blood sample. Perhaps there's some good in this freaking situation after all."
Scully nodded and grinned a little. Krycek noticed: "What?"
"This has certain irony, don't you think? You might be the one who gives us the gene for virus 
resiliency, you who were first sent to destroy all the work that has got us this far."
"True, it has irony..." Krycek shrugged and made herself as comfortable as possible when one 
has a child in one's lap. Then she gave a crooked smile and mumbled: "Krycek the Saint."
"What?"
"Oh, something Mulder once said."
'Said when?' This woke Scully in earnest. 'I really must talk to him and ask.' "Do you want to put 
him back?"
"We'd have to stop then again?"
"Yep."
"Then I'll keep him here. Besides, he's warm."

Lost and Found

28th of January, Wednesday, 2004
Personal diary entry.
We are back in DC. We have even both finished and handed in the case reports. And we are both 
worried as hell but we are not talking about the problem.
Mulder refuses to talk about how he just left the motel room after we had carried Krycek and her 
belongings - the quick and the liveless - in it. He didn't return. He didn't even come to say good 
bye either to her or his son. He drank in the other room, when I finally got there. He sulked the 
whole day, didn't tell what he had decided in the car - because he had to have decided 
something, that much I know this man. He climbed into the bed beside me without uttering a word 
and in the end I had to hold him to make him sleep. Then I had to drive us to the airport, because 
he had a hangover.
He is suffering.
I can only guess why. He is a man of honour, whatever they may say. He even offered to marry 
me the day after I announced I was pregnant. Which means that he might have done it even the 
first time. Right, but he is suffering. He didn't know what to do now when there are two mothers of 
his children. He has obviously made up his mind to stay with me, (and I might have done 
something really bad and illegal if he hadn't!) but he is still torn between his inbred sense of duty 
and his feelings.
I'm worried about him. And damn, I'm worried about Krycek, too. Never thought that this would 
happen. She doesn't have a clue how to deal with her new situation, she doesn't want to be 
helped and she is on the run from the aliens with a child who's few days old. I have a bad feeling 
and I'm sure Mulder has it too. God, I wish he would start talking to me again. I realized that he 
must have felt the same, when I didn't return his calls. Painful way to learn.

11th of February, Wednesday, 2004, the wee morning hours
My son saved me.
This time.
God, I'm still shivering. He against my chest is the only warmth I feel.
And I'm not making sense.
So let's start from the beginning. I've been trying to cope with this. Being a mother. It's a tough 
job, tougher than any other thing I had to do in my past. The constant feedings, the regular 
changes of diapers... How did the mothers of old manage when there weren't disposable diapers, 
for God's sake? I'd throw up each time if I had to touch the soiled things more than just once in 
order to dump them. And how did they manage without the formulas?
But anyway... He woke me.
He cried out so loudly that I snapped free.
From the Call.
Yes, the alien siren song. It works on me, and I don't know why. Maybe because I was a test 
subject, maybe they made me receptive from the day I was conceived. Maybe they implanted 
something on me when I carried around the oily-ghoul, I wouldn't have noticed but I hear them 
and it scares the hell out of me.
I was almost gone - totally under their spell, so to say. Willingly going wherever they wanted me 
to go. They say jump and I do, and roll over and pant happily, too. God, this is awful.
I was at the door, just like I had got up from the bed - barefooted, in shorts and T-shirt - and I was 
ready to walk out into the snow. No doubts, no cautiousness, nothing whatsoever. They wanted 
me out and I almost was there...
Without him I would have been there.
When I woke I couldn't understand what in a hell I was doing there. I blinked stupidly, standing in 
front of the door, staring at it. And I still felt the urge to walk out into the cold somewhere in the 
back of my head. He screamed louder. I picked him up to calm him and the voice died away, 
though not entirely: it quieted to a whisper, a constant murmur in the background, but it lost its 
power.
And I found that I was cold and sweaty and shivering. I got back into bed, still holding him, and so 
here we are, the lamp in the nightstand giving me the light to write these lines.
But what if they just don't call, but come in flesh? I can kill them one at a time, but not more. A 
maximum of two, maybe. What then?
If they come here and I have to fight them, then I can't hold him, which seems to be the only thing 
that keeps the Call at bay. They can just walk up to me and snap my neck, I wouldn't be able to 
resist them.
And they would get him and kill him slowly with the tests...
Not the future I would want for anyone. Well, Spender Senior might be an exception. But to no 
one else.

The same day.
It seems that they cease calling during the daytime. Maybe people walking like zombies attract 
too much attention or something... Anyway, we are driving away now. I loaded everything from 
wipes to diapers and we are off. Perhaps they won't find us so easily, if we keep moving.

14th of February, Saturday, 2004
The answering machine beeped, but nobody left a message. Scully drifted back to sleep, only to 
wake again when the cell phone started to buzz and move on the nightstand. 'Why did I forget to 
turn it off?' She sighed and reached for it.
"Scully..."
Instead of Mulder, she heard a deep relieved sigh and "It's Krycek. Please, don't hang up."
"Talk, but be brief, please. It's... - she glanced at the clock - ... inhumanly early."
"Can you come and fetch my son?"
"What?" She was suddenly wide-awake. She even sat up.
"I'm in DC, at the interstate bus station. Would you please come? Please."
"What's the matter? Are you hurt?"
"Not yet. But I'm running out of time."
"Ou... God, I'm not believing I'm saying this..." Scully rubbed her forehead to increase the 
circulation. "Give me half an hour."
"Thank you." Then Krycek hung up. Scully shook her head, still not believing what she was going 
to do as she crawled out of the bed.

She walked into the almost empty station building 28 minutes later.
"The ponytail suites you." Krycek low voice almost gave her a coronary.
"You didn't exactly give me time to visit my favorite hair-dresser now, did you?" she answered 
and took in the picture in front of her. Krycek, the boy in her arms and one bag over her shoulder, 
another one at her feet. She herself looking like shit - the dark circles around her bloodshed eyes.
"What happened?" Scully motioned towards the rows of chairs and they sat. Krycek dropped the 
bag but clung to the child like he was her lifeline.
"You were right, I can't protect him; if they should want to get him. You two have a better chance."
"So you want to give him to me, to us?"
"Yes." Krycek looked at her, and closed her eyes, yawning. "I can't protect him."
"It's not good for children to grow up without their parents..."
"You're telling that to me? To a lab-rat, who has no idea from whose genetic material I'm 
constructed."
"But you had people whom you considered to be your parents, people who loved you."
"So will have he. You'll be a great stepmom and you'll mould Mulder into a decent father, too."
"But why now? Or why not come to the witness..." Krycek snorted, so she sped up."...we could 
help you to..."
"And you will. But not that way. I-" She tensed up and hugged the child closer.
"What's the-"
"They're calling me," she gritted through her teeth. "Like they called you to the bridge. They've 
not come physically to get him or me yet, but they will. They call me and he is the only thing that 
keeps me from following."
"Then it makes no sense to give him up!"
"It makes perfect sense," Krycek's voice eased up, she sighed and Scully could see a sheen of 
sweat on her forehead. "He's getting tired of protecting me, and they are getting stronger. 
Eventually they'll win and I'll follow and I don't want him any where near me when that happens." 
She sighed and caressed the small head with her fingertips. Now Mulder's son had a bit more 
down than Scully remembered. "They'll kill him eventually, one way or another. One test subject 
in the family is enough."
There was a silence between them, until Scully reached out and caressed the boy, too. He 
seemed to accept her. "You really care about this child, don't you?" She looked up to see what 
Krycek would answer. The tired mother bit her lip and whispered softly, so Scully heard it with 
difficulty. "I... suppose so." 'And he's Mulder's', added Scully, knowing that Krycek would never 
admit this as a part of a reason, at least not to her. Although it might be the main one.
"So what do want to do?" she asked instead.
"I... I must be more tired than I thought...."
"Meaning?"
"I miscalculated the bus times. If I want to survive this night, I'll have to have him for, mmm, 
(Krycek glanced at her watch), about two and half hours."
"What? Why?"
"Don't you remember? They didn't call you during the day, did they?"
"Come to think of it... No." Scully caught the idea. "You have to have him until sunrise?"
"You are an exceptionally bright Special Agent." Krycek smiled, it was a very tired smile.
"When did you last sleep?"
"In the bus."
"Why the bus?"
"Less security cameras than in airports."
"Right..." Scully wondered for a moment whether she was losing her mind, but decided to figure 
that out later. "Come to my place and sleep till morning."
"Come on, you can't be serious."
"Very serious. I'm not going to sit in some 24 hour canteen with you for two hours and watch you 
fall off the bench. It's better to sleep on the couch in my living room, and cheaper, too." Scully 
was almost shocked by her own words. But they seemed to work.
"Giving me a discount for frequent use of your services?"
Scully sighed. 'Humour. Great. Humour was a bloody weak defence. At least, where Krycek was 
concerned but it was better than to hearing her admit once more that she loves Mulder. Anything 
was better than that.'
"Something like that. Come on." She watched her haul the bigger bag on her shoulder, then took 
the smaller one herself, before Krycek had the time to protest. "You have your hands full, 
already."

The boy dozed off in the car the second the machine started moving.
"Does he like driving?"
"Yes, seems so. He likes to be constantly on the move."
'Like his mother...' thought Scully, while changing lanes.
"Perhaps because I did it so much, and still do," added Krycek, startling Scully. "When I drove, he 
slept peacefully, when I stopped he got nervous and cried... So I drove. I couldn't keep it up 
indefinitely, however." Scully noticed that Krycek was slurring her words, she was talking to keep 
herself awake, and it wasn't easy any more. "He," Krycek continued after stifling a yawn, 
"wouldn't have it, of course. There was a danger and he knew we had to run. So I ended up 
selling the truck and taking the bus to DC. He slept there and I slept there."
They entered Scully's apartment quietly, Krycek padded to the couch, having kicked off her boots 
and had fallen asleep by the time Scully had locked and deadbolted the door. Alex still held the 
boy, who lay peacefully on her chest and snoozed, too.
Scully shook her head, listed ten reasons on the topic 'Why this is a bad idea?' then shrugged. 
She dropped the second bag next to the first one near the wall and walked to the bedroom. She 
didn't expect to fall asleep, but she did.

She woke up on hearing somebody making a loud and demanding sound. Krycek's son was by 
her side and a short look through the apartment confirmed that Krycek herself was gone. The 
door was locked, but not deadbolted anymore, the key, skilfully extracted from Scully's keyring, 
lay on the floor where the newspapers tended to pile - mostly during the unexpectedly prolonged 
X-file cases. 'Damn her...' There was also a note on the table:

Sorry to leave like this, but I have no time to waste. There are two full bottles at the top of the 
bag, the supply of diapers should last about a day and a half, with luck, two days; other things 
longer. The wad of bills is for his costly habits. You know that he likes to move, but he also likes 
you. He told me. Yeah, I know what you're thinking now, but ask Mulder, he'll back my story. He's 
an empath at the very least, if not more. And he agreed to stay with you. Take care of him and 
yourself and Mulder, too. Oh, yes, and name him. I didn't have time to think about it.
K.
P.S. Remember when you said that you took a chance helping me? I'm taking a chance leaving 
now. I hope it saves him. And if you want to know more, there is a journal. Show it to him when 
the time is right.

Scully had the eerie feeling that Krycek meant both important 'he-s' of her life but then the 
unnamed son of Mulder yelled again and she rushed to warm the milk.

When she finally called him in the early afternoon, Mulder came at once. She had read the 
journal, and she was shocked but she refused to show it to him.
"She asked me to wait, and I'll do that." Then they sat down, Scully holding the baby, Mulder still 
puzzled as hell, and Scully went over the events of the previous night.
"And she didn't say where she was going or..."
"No, she didn't. She probably doesn't even know where she will go or where she will end up. But 
there was one thing in this journal that means something right now." Scully flipped the notebook 
open, found the passage and cleared her voice: "So, here it is."
"I'm going on a 99,9% certainty, suicide-mission, which may not 
let me use that puny 0,1%. I know that you came back and 
survived. I may not. I wish I was stronger, but when there is 
nothing else left, I'll think of you and wish that it were enough to 
pull me through. You're my strength, Mulder. I hope you're not 
angry about that."
 It's the last entry in the notebook." Scully closed it. "She really must love you."
"But it also means that she might not come back." Mulder looked at the boy and sighed. "He 
doesn't deserve to be motherless."
"No. Nobody does." She shifted the baby to lay on her arm; he blinked at her and started to 
wriggle his fingers.
"And he'll probably be the first to know when she dies." Mulder's words were heavy with concern. 
Scully gave her finger to the boy to play with and replied:
"If she dies. You came back. You both have come back from no-win situations. You risked a lot, 
so has she. She risked asking for my help; you trust me, that's a risk too. We love each other, 
and even that is a risk - we have a line of work that may very easily end and has ended - with one 
of us standing up alone by the grave of the other..."
"Don't, Scully, please..."
"But it is a possibility. We all run risks, high and low. She still might come back."
However, she could see in Mulder's eyes that he recalled the charred bodies found at Skyland 
Mountain and in all the other places and, to her great regret, Scully thought about the same 
things. All of which together meant this boy might never see his mother again.

17th of February, Tuesday, 2004
*The darkness of the room vanished in the light, everything faded into brightness and fear 
clamped down on her throat, and she couldn't move.
She couldn't move and she was lifted, by nothing.
She tried to scream but there was no voice.
Only fear and then such a bright sharp light that...*
Scully woke, almost certain that she was whimpering loudly, and Kevin, Mulder's illegitimate son, 
cried softly in his crib. And she understood: Krycek had been taken, she had not been able to 
flee. Scully got up, took the boy in her arms and tried to hush him.
The phone rang.
She walked over and picked up the receiver, the child still crying softly against her neck.
"She's gone, isn't she?" Mulder sounded sleepy.
"Yes. We probably saw the same thing. Lights-"
"- and fear. Yeah, seems so. And Kevin?"
"Sad. But she isn't dead, you know." Scully wasn't even sure to whom she addressed this 
comment.
"Do you want me to come over?"
"We have to go to work tomorrow."
"I'm aware of that. Do you want me to come?"
"Yes."

They ended up snuggling and sleeping in Scully's bed, Kevin with them and this felt almost safe.

Days went by, weeks followed, no information about Krycek but somehow from every other 
source there started to come unsettling news. There was an outbreak of some new strain of viral 
pneumonia here and there, nothing very big at first but the death toll was almost 100%. The 
Gunmen reported that most military facilities were on red alert, that the activity of UFOs was 
similar to bees preparing to swarm. And Scully was putting on obvious weight just as the world 
seemed to be ending.

12th of June, 2004
Personal diary entry
It ended on the 6th of June, 2004. The 'it' being the world as we know it. A hot day - that is the 
thing I remember now, when the radio suddenly turned quiet, quiet except for the white noise, and 
then the power went out. I sat in the kitchen of the secluded country house Mulder had purchased 
in the middle of April and wondered what had happened. And then I heard Mulder calling outside.
I walked out, not without some difficulty and I saw what he saw.
The sky was full of saucers. There were dark shape-changing, humming clouds around them. 
The bees had escaped and were now the world's deadliest swarms ever.
I didn't understand that I was shivering until Mulder came and hugged me from behind, protecting 
me. He wouldn't have been able to shield me from this danger but I appreciated the gesture 
nevertheless. We stood there and watched our world become cast over.

We went back inside as there was nothing we could do at the moment. We soon found that all 
communications were gone: no phones, no radio, no TV. At least we wouldn't feel cold, yet.
Mulder kept hugging me, he was trembling, I felt it clearly. So I asked: "What is it?"
"I remember now, what happened to me during the abduction... It's not pretty."
"I know. I remember now, too." And by the name of Lord, I did. I couldn't move, only cling to him 
as the blanks in our memories filled with horrid images.
Later we learned that this happened to anyone who had been taken. There were hundreds, 
thousands of suicides during the next week. The Bee-plague, as it was referred to later, didn't lift 
the mood either. And those who survived both waves of destruction were few and at first too 
frightened even to try fighting back.
For the two first days after the colonisation began, we lived in that house, nervous and desperate, 
but understanding that we couldn't get back to the city, because the roads would be blocked by 
the escapees and their cars. What distressed us most, however, was the fact that we couldn't get 
any information about the people who were important for us: Skinner, my mother and brothers, 
the Gunmen...
"We have to go and see what's going on," Mulder said in the second evening, dead-calm and 
dead-scared at the same time. We were in the broad bed and we were holding onto each other - 
which seemed to be the only thing we were doing recently. I shifted a fraction and then nodded. 
"Though it would be safer for you to stay here and-"
I shook my head so violently that it hurt my neck.
"No. Mulder, I don't want to be alone in this world. If something happens to you out there, then I 
would sense and worry but not know for sure. And it would feel far worse than knowing, believe 
me."
"I believe you. But our daughter..." His fingers were in my hair and tried to persuade me to drop 
the issue. I ignored them the best way I could, with statements.
"Is safe as long as I'm safe. It's probably dangerous every where, even here."
"At least they can't contaminate our pipes..." It was a weak attempt of humour, but I cherished 
even that.
"Yes, not many, at least."
The house has an independent water supply, a generator supported pump in the spring nearby. 
When Mulder had started to look for a house outside the city, the Gunmen had given him advice 
and now this place was as self-sufficient as possible. We do have a generator to give power, yes, 
but right now we had decided to save it for the rainy and snowy days. Rephrasing this: we didn't 
want to risk running out of fuel. Although the Gunmen had been adamant about all the supplies, 
we had hoped that we wouldn't need to rely on this place at all but we had sneaked out of the city 
from time-to-time to spend some days here. This had been just one of those occasions. Just a 
weekend trip, only this time the world happened to end.
"We better be armed and perhaps use your car, it's smaller and more economical..." Mulder 
mused, his fingers still fondling my hair, but his mind already in survival mode - if there is any in 
his mind.
"I agree. Can you pump the gasoline from one car to the other? My tank was only half full."
"Mmm, when I find the manual pump. Frohike insisted I'd buy it, but I never fathomed that I'd 
really have to use it..." His voice made me smile - sadly. I rested my head on his shoulder and 
commented, hearing his heartbeat so close to me:
"Their paranoia now seems the only workable frame of mind."
"Unfortunately it's true." And then he tightened his embrace, as if wishing to remember this 
feeling forever.

The city was as bad as we had expected it to be - it felt like walking onto a movie set. The 
abandoned cars were every where, and it seemed that it had hailed dark and dead bees. The 
insects covered every possible surface.
But this was for real.
"Scully, I feel like I'd been sucked into the Twilight Zone."
"Perhaps we have."
My smaller vehicle made its way slowly way between the cars, some of which had crashed into 
each other, some of them just parked in the middle of the road or intersection. Death of a world 
and the only remains are the steel constructs that had once moved and concrete constructs that 
didn't. It felt, suddenly, so inadequate. And stupid.
"Where are all the people? And why are the cars empty?" Mulder stopped looking for another 
narrow passage to get through. I felt myself sighing and leaned back in the seat - the third 
trimester is the hardest and I was very long gone. Nevertheless, I had to think about the question.
"Probably the owners got out when the bees got into the cars. Wouldn't you?" It wasn't the best I 
could come up with but it had to do for now. He had asked me to keep an eye on the 
surroundings.
"Knowing what even one sting can do, there is no point."
"They didn't know that. They would've tried to run away from the swarm."
Mulder suddenly gasped: "It's the third day.... We saw the offspring gestate within one day in 
normal temperature. It's been two days... Do you think there are many humans around at all, 
Scully?"
There was this burning cold feeling in my throat and my respiratory functions almost failed. After 
some thirty seconds I managed to utter:
"I don't want to hazard a guess. Though majority of those who got more than one sting would 
most likely have died."
"So somewhere there are lots of dead humans and even more very angry aliens... Want to go 
promenading?"
"I think we have to. The road ahead is blocked." So we got out of the car. If anyone had seen us 
like we were that day, we would have been kicked out from the FBI with no further comments.
We both wore Kevlar, as much as we could - I being almost in my eighth month and he carrying 
Kevin in the body harness. Frohike had customised the last thing with parts of another bullet proof 
vest and pockets for extra clips. Always trust him to come up with the craziest ideas to keep the 
children safe. Anyway, besides those weird items, we had our side arms, M-16-s (another 
courtesy of Frohike) and four hand grenades for each of us. We had thought to wear something 
over our equipment, but it was still bloody hot and there was no one to judge us.
It was eerie to walk in the empty streets. To see the Cradock Marine Bank on the corner of E-
street and 8th Avenue with its doors wide open and no one trying to rob the unguarded money. 
To stalk past the hundreds of cars, frozen in their way, to hear no noise of Civilisation 
whatsoever. We kept close to each other when we walked down towards our work place. We 
were walking in a dead world.

16th of June, 2004
Personal diary entry
We found Skinner.
He has amnesia. He had lived the passed few days in the FBI building, frightened and almost 
crazy with all of this. We had to force him at gun point to listen to us as he was so far gone. He 
didn't know who we were. Mulder had to dig out his badge and also Skinner's, afterwards he was 
willing to come with us.
The reason for his condition is obviously the result of severe concussion, the evidence of which is 
a gash on his head, at the back of his skull. He had bandaged it somehow but, as it turned out, it 
still needed stitches. Fortunately we could get into the labs and I got the things I needed to take 
care of his head wound.
He told us that all that he remembered was that there had been an alarm and then everybody had 
started to evacuate the building, but then the bees came in through the air vents and all hell broke 
loose. He had lost footage on the stairs and fallen. Then everything had blacked out. He had 
passed out. He had damn good luck not to be trodden on and he hadn't seen any other humans 
until we arrived.
We took him along with us, loaded with as many guns and rounds as we could carry - and me 
also with the medical supplies - and decided to visit our homes. We went to my apartment first, 
then Skinner's - the fact that we knew where it was and he didn't, surprised him in a bad way - 
and then we went to Mulder's.
I had the hospital bag ready but now I needed to add some personal belongings, because it 
seemed we had to leave our previous lives and ways of life far behind. Since it was already dark 
when we arrived at my place, we stayed the night. My last night in my old apartment. Thank God 
that Mulder was there to hold me when I cried myself to sleep. The only thing I hate about being 
pregnant is the emotional imbalance.
It was easier with Skinner's apartment, it held no distinguishable emotional values for me, and 
Skinner couldn't remember much. He packed everything in a cold, military fashion and was ready 
to leave in an hour. It took longer in Mulder's. Mostly because Mulder couldn't decide what to 
leave and what to bring. We spent about five hours there, waiting for him. Skinner asked whether 
I was married to him and I thought about saying "yes" but Kevin saved the day and yelped and I 
fed him. Our former superior watched us, then came the inevitable question about Kevin. Mulder, 
who had come into the kitchen, answered before I could even open my mouth.
"He's my son. His name is Kevin." The AD was satisfied with that answer, just like that. The 
concussion must have been really bad. If I had had the means, he would have gone to hospital 
for a CAT scan ASAP.
Finally Mulder was ready and we left, leaving Skinner's lost glasses and the Old New World far 
behind.

July, 2004
Personal diary, etc.
I'm a mother again. She lies beside me and I cannot stop looking at her. She is so tiny and so 
beautiful. Mulder insists that I must sleep but I had to write. I'm too tired to sleep and since my 
hand can still hold the pen... so I'm writing. We decided to leave the task of naming her till 
tomorrow.
She is sleeping. She is small and warm and I love her.
I love Mulder, too. He was a great help, better than I expected him to be. Perhaps he had read 
about how to assist with a birth, I wouldn't put it past him. If he did, good for him and me. He 
knew how to massage - okay, he did practise on Krycek but it wasn't that much! - he knew when 
to be silent and when to urge me on. I did shout out some commands but there was actually no 
need for them: he knew what to do, how to support me. Yes, I'm quite sure that he had studied 
the subject. Well, he gets an 'A' from me.
He also said that I chose our anniversary to give birth to our girl and that seemed to him to be a 
well-thought scheme, as if I really had planned all of this... Well, if it really is the 23th of July, I at 
least know your birthday, my girl.
Talking about the boys: Skinner tended Kevin, while I was huffing and puffing like the proverbial 
wolf. He has grown to like the boy. I wonder would he still like him if Skinner knew and 
remembered who Kevin's mother is. He has started to recall some things, like what our first 
names are and what our suspicions were about the world. Unfortunately our suspicions were 
right.
And Krycek was right, too. I can hear the Call also, but when my little girl is here, it doesn't disturb 
me. Perhaps they, Kevin and she, my beloved nameless, are strong enough to silence Them. 
The children are sleeping in our bedroom any way (we decided that with Mulder), so they will be 
close to me at all times.
Skinner is just behind the door on the wooden couch/bench, and he is getting restless. He wants 
to fight the aliens or at least go and look for other survivors. There has to be some, and I do want 
to know what has happened to my family. Mulder is itching for information about the Gunmen, 
too.
Skinner wants to head out soon and we have to accept it. Mulder has promised - without me 
asking him to - to stay with me and the children. We do have to return to the city, though. Skinner 
needs wheels under him and we need fuel, food, some more clothes... I never expected to 
ponder about how it would be easier to steal... Life is weird.
And wonderful. My daughter is a proof of that.

August, 2004
*Pain, searing pain.
'Why, why?' gasping, not enough air-
More pain, stronger still and no light.
'Why?'*
"Hey! Hush! You'll wake the children!"
Mulder's voice brought Scully back to the bed. She searched for his hands and clutched them 
hard.
"Another bad dream?"
"It was no dream." Her voice was breathless and serious. Mulder hugged her and settled down by 
her, not letting go. She loved him for it.
"What then?"
"Krycek. They test her. It hurts."
"I remember it hurts but how-"
"I just know that she's in pain right now." He hugged her even closer and his breath warmed her 
neck. "I don't know how I know it but-"
"The term for it is called 'telepathy'" mused Mulder quietly. "We used to investigate this 
phenomenon... and you used to deny the existence of it..."
"Call me converted, but I know what she's feeling."
"I'm not arguing with you."
"Good." Scully forced herself to relax. Then she tensed up again and turned to face him, although 
in the darkness of the bedroom, she couldn't make him out too well. She could see his eyes, 
though. "I will know then, too, when she dies, won't I?"
Mulder didn't answer, only kissed her forehead and held her, but it was an answer, nevertheless. 
They would know. It was odd how this person, who was actually an intruder in their relationship, 
made them feel so close, so intimate together.
"I thought as a child, stupidly," he heard Scully saying, "that to be different, to predict the future or 
to be telepathic, was a nice thing. My education demolished this belief, making the world clear 
and scientific without anything 'mystic' in it, without anything that couldn't be measured within the 
physical world. Our work convinced me to reconsider both the existence and the blessing of these 
phenomena. Now I'm almost sure that this is the closest thing to a curse-"
"I think we just don't know yet, how to deal with this ability, that's all."
"It drove you crazy."
"But I'm here and sane enough, I hope."
"You're sane enough for me." Scully felt him smiling and leaned in for a kiss. She was not 
refused.

September, 2004
Personal diary.
Skinner left today. He felt that he had to and in a way, we needed to let him. We badly need the 
information he may bring back. He promised to return in the spring. Let's hope, that he will.
He has gained enough memory to be prepared for this world and to deal with the alien problems. 
He doesn't know about Kevin's mother and I personally think it is better for him to remain 
ignorant. Skinner could understand Mulder sleeping with another woman but not with Alex 
Krycek, even if she is female.
Skinner was also the person who suggested the category of names from where we, with Mulder 
made the final choice. I like the name, Sophia. Mulder laughed then and commented that a smart 
woman has to have a girl with a name meaning 'wisdom'. I was puzzled for a moment but then 
my own wisdom also returned and I recalled the Greek roots of the name. And I liked it even 
more.
And now he's gone. It was a sight to see - Skinner on a motorcycle but that thing is easier to 
maneuver than a car and far easier to hide if need be. 
The day they went to get the supplies from the city drove me almost up the wall. I have become 
dependent on Mulder's presence; I need him to feel safe. It sounds stupid, it even feels stupid but 
it is true. I am perfectly able to take care of myself, I can protect my children efficiently, I can kill 
without a blink of an eye - I sound like Krycek already... - but I still need him.
So when they finally returned - with two truckfuls of stuff - I just sat down on the threshold and 
watched him. He has lost some weight doing all these physical chores around the house and he 
looked perfect in that moment, unloading mountain bikes, packages of diapers and fuel barrels. I 
love Mulder and I'm ready to stand by him, what ever the world comes to.

October, 2004
"God, Mulder, you're totally frozen!" Scully started to strip him out off the cold wet clothes. His 
skin felt clammy. "Why were you out so long?"
"I thought," he stuttered, teeth clattering. "I thought I saw someone..."
"Out there? In this weather? That person must be either mad or"- Scully wrapped a blanket 
around him- "utterly desperate." She dragged him near the stove and shoved a mug in his hand. 
"Drink up! We don't have many medical supplies to..." She stopped, when Mulder just nodded 
and started swallowing the steaming liquid. It was tea, they were both tea drinkers now; they had 
switched to tea when the coffee ran out. Soon the same would happen to the tea... And they 
would have to go and raid the city again, like scavengers... She hated that but this was the world 
today.
She sighed - there was no point in craving for the lost things, one just had to cope. Scully picked 
the clothes up and started to hang them up when that sensation came again. She grabbed the 
washing line and steadied herself.
*A presence... pleading... cold... very cold... hungry... exhausted-*
"Scully, what's the matter?" Mulder had finished his hot drink and was watching Scully, who clung 
to the washing line, eyes shaded.
"I'd better sit down..." Scully stumbled to the bench. "I think you're right."
"About what? What happened?"
"About someone being out there. I've been feeling these.... connections for two months." She 
rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Mulder had come by her side, still in the blanket, and she let herself to 
be hugged.
"I didn't want to worry you..."
"You, silly you..." Mulder shook her gently, before pulling her close again. "What are these 
connections? Is it like it was with Krycek?"
"Yes, and no. Yes, because the content of the dreams was the same. At first they were dreams, 
well, part of my dreams. I saw myself on the alien ship, being tested, but it wasn't me... I saw it 
through somebody else's eyes... But I'm not sure who that person is. It could be her but I'm not 
sure..." Scully sighed before continuing. "Then these links appeared when I was awake, but only 
when I was alone, tending the children..." Mulder's arms were getting nicely warm and he was 
listening intensely, hardly breathing. "You presence seems to keep this away. But now it's 
stronger, that person is either getting closer or... more desperate."
"Does it feel threatening?" Mulder felt alarmed, but since he also struggled with his own weird 
abilities, he simply wanted to know.
"No... it's more likely begging... pleading, wanting help."
"Have you tried to answer?"
"Should I? With all the aliens around, some of them just might pick it up-"
"You said that it was a cry for help."
"I haven't tried to answer... The spooky stuff is usually your department."
"As if there were any departments anymore... But if you tried?"
"Mm, I don't know. I've never tried to.... actively 'listen', so to say."
"I always seemed to find you... Like in Antarctica... There were thousands of incubation cells, 
but... I could home in on you, Scully. And I hadn't been exposed to any artefact then... I always 
believed, and still do, that we share a special connection."
"Yeah, I think we do." Scully smiled when she got gently squeezed.
"So... perhaps you should try? Maybe someone really needs our help?"
"Okay." Scully relaxed, closed her eyes and tried to let her mind float.
For a couple of seconds nothing happened, but then...
*That presence was there, small, miserable, shivering.... Near, actually. Very near. Just down the 
road to the spring, behind...*
"It's right here... Mulder, you were right, there is someone out there, right now! He- I don't know- 
he doesn't have strength to move!" She didn't realize that she was shouting until Mulder hushed 
her.
"I'll go and take a look." He promised but Scully wouldn't have it.
"No! You just came back! And I know exactly where the hiding place is! I'll go!"
"You are not going alone, Scully! Do you remember"- Mulder looked at her straight in the eye. 
"what we promised when we came out here? Never separate, when there is danger?"
"It doesn't feel dangerous!" Scully insisted.
"Nowadays almost everything is dangerous."
Scully was already up on her feet and wrapped herself into the oversized coat they used for doing 
the work outside the house. Pulling the hood over her head, she said: "Whoever is out there, in 
that rain... if it's human, we should help."
"Okay. Wait a sec."

Then they both were fumbling through the fall storm and darkness. They had a storm lantern, but 
it's light extended only a couple feet ahead, so they saw where to step but no more. Scully 
showed the way.
Behind the group of rocks they passed each time they went fetch water, there was a bundle of -
.... someone. He - or she - was curled into a fetal position, soaked through and through, trying to 
protect himself from the freezing down pour. He didn't move, just quivered with cold, when Mulder 
went carefully closer. He needed to sense who this was. Or more accurately - what it was. Now 
his odd abilities came in handy.
"He feels human..."
Scully stepped closer, too. She raised the lantern and the change in light made the hider raise his 
head. Scully gasped and almost dropped the lantern.

It was Krycek. Awfully thin, pale, shoulder-length hair dripping with water, shivering but still 
Krycek. There was a bruise on the left side of her face, her clothes looked as if she had worn 
them non-stop for half a year... which she probably had.
Mulder was as thunderstruck as Scully but he threw his gears quickly. They all had to get out of 
the rain and wind and back inside.
"Can you walk?" he yelled over the storm.
For a moment it seemed that she didn't hear or understand but then she tried to get up. She 
couldn't - she was shaking too badly. Instead of saying anything, she crouched there and made 
another fruitless effort. Mulder felt Scully nudge him and he went to help her. It was the second 
time in his life that Mulder found himself half-carrying Krycek to safety and Scully showing them 
the way.
Krycek stumbled heavily on the threshold, almost tripped them both over, but Mulder grabbed 
hold of the door handle and hauled her back to her feet. She was really much lighter than the last 
time he had to support her... And he was not referring to her waistline, she felt bony. She 
slumped onto the stool near the stove; she was still visibly shaking. The same blanket that had 
warmed Mulder was now wrapped around her. She looked frightened, waiting to be sent out 
again. Every time either Mulder or Scully made a movement, she winced.
Having made another mug of hot tea, Scully carried it to their unexpected houseguest. Krycek 
glanced upwards through her unusually long bangs, then diverted her eyes as if scared. She 
reminded Scully of a dog who after receiving a severe beating doesn't know whether it should 
take the offered food or just run away.
"Drink but be careful, it's hot."
Krycek blinked once then took the mug. After a tentative sip she laced her fingers around it and 
crouched there, breathing in the warmth, sipping once in a while. She looked miserable.
"What are we going to do now?" Mulder's voice was low; because he didn't want either Krycek or 
the children in the next room to hear them. Scully shrugged, watching their once-enemy sitting by 
the fire.
"We make an extra bed," she simply stated. They did.

Scully felt a little bit alarmed when Krycek just sat there and endured her tending to the bruise. 
She seemed not to be wholly there, like something from her being had been lost. 'Perhaps this is 
the reason I didn't recognize her at first?' But she ate everything that was given to her - after 
which she literally fell to the wooden couch where her bed was waiting.
Scully would have approved of some cleaning up first, but after seeing how she practically 
inhaled the cold leftovers of their dinner without a word; it was obvious that she was too 
exhausted. 'And we don't know what she had to do to get here... Don't make any conclusions yet, 
Scully.' So they didn't ask her anything and let her sleep.

When Mulder talked to her the next afternoon - they really let her sleep as much as she wanted - 
she looked puzzled, as if not understanding what was said. Mulder sighed and turned to his 
innate senses, he reached out his mind. Krycek was afraid and extremely tired and -
Krycek screamed, covered her ears and curled up on the couch.
Mulder snapped free. He hadn't intended to harm or hurt her. "Hush," he sat by her. "I'm not going 
to do that again, okay?" She just shivered, gasping. "Do you hear me? Can you understand-"
"She can." Scully, who had entered the room carrying her daughter, stopped Mulder's questions. 
"She just... mm... isn't able to answer you."
"What are you saying? That she's mute?" Mulder sounded incredulous.
"It seems so..." The fuzzy feeling returned and then there was a whimper: *He's... so... very... 
loud...* Scully swallowed. "Mulder, you'd better step away. She can't bear you."
"What do you mean?" but he obeyed and backed away. Krycek relaxed visibly.
"I don't know yet. Would you like to hold her?"
"Sure." She handed Sophia over, who cooed cheerfully to Mulder. He smiled at her, but then he 
returned his attention to... what? Mothers of his children at least.
Scully was sitting by Krycek's side. "You spoke to me just a moment ago. Can you repeat it?"
*I... I... have... no... words* Krycek started to shiver again.
"You're doing fine."
"What did she say?"
"Nothing too important. Patience, Mulder."
*If you... ask... or... talk... slow-*
"You'll, maybe be able to answer?"
Krycek nodded.
"Okay, we'll go slow." Scully patted her arm reassuringly. "Can you explain why you can't speak?"
*I don't... know. Even... hard to... think.*
"What do you mean by 'no words'?"
*I don't... remember... many... words....* There was a pause when she blinked and shrugged, 
probably to clear her head. *Hard now.... so tired.*
"Then rest, you need it." As a response to Scully's words, there crossed a ghost of a smile over 
Alex's face and then she dozed off, not even changing her position.

Mulder contained his curiosity, until Scully had pulled a blanket over the sleeping figure and 
showed that they should go out.
"Well?" he prompted, letting the baby grab his finger and suck it.
"She can... link with me, so I can ask questions and she can answer-"
"And what did she say?"
"Not much. She claimed not to have many words to talk with. I guess that she hasn't many to 
think with either. What gives some validity to her claim is that she did concentrate very hard to 
say even these simple things. She seems to be telling the truth."
"You're saying that Alex Krycek is telling the truth..."
"Stranger things do happen."
"Alright, what else?" Mulder pulled his fingers away; his daughter had sucked them long enough.
"Almost nothing. She got very tired... Mm, yes, she mentioned that you're 'very loud'. What could 
that mean? And what happened to make her scream?"
Scully had not lost her way of giving him that 'raised eyebrow' look that put them back in the 
basement office of the FBI, making Mulder feel rather foolish and even guilty. He sighed, rubbed 
his nose and confessed as always:
"I... well... She didn't seem to understand a single thing I was saying so I used my... abilities."
"And?"
"I sensed her to be afraid and tired, and then she suddenly screamed."
"Perhaps you caused her pain? Maybe your so-called 'mind power' is too strong for her."
"Why? I've talked to you like that and I've not hurt you."
"When?" Scully was really surprised.
"Well... In bed, sometimes."
"I thought you whispered..."
"Sometimes I did, sometimes I simply thought at you." Mulder smiled at his daughter, because 
Sophia was cooing again. "But it didn't hurt you, now, did it? Why did it hurt her?"
"I don't know... But she couldn't stand your closeness back there." Scully concluded and reached 
for Sophia, wanting her daughter back in her lap.

The next time, Scully went to check on Krycek, later that evening, she was hot with fever. She 
also didn't stir much, when touched.
"It isn't the virus, or-" prompted Mulder, worried. He didn't want to know whether his children 
really were immune.
"No, it started with a simple cough. I think she's just over-exerted her body." Scully prepared 
some hot tea and made Krycek drink it. "She needs fluids." After covering her up, Scully added: "I 
would have preferred her to take a bath before-"
"She's always been an unpredictable person, remember?" Mulder, relieved that the bee-plague 
was not upon them, tried to joke but Scully gave him a warning look. "Okay, no harm meant."
"Her unpredictability also resembles someone else we both know, Mulder..."
"Point taken. Sorry."
"Bygones."

Mulder didn't know, what made him go and sit by the feverish Krycek, but there he was. She 
shivered and he arranged her blankets better. When his hand touched her skin, she grew tense. 
She didn't move and Mulder expected her to wake up, but instead he heard a weak whisper in his 
mind. Like she was too exhausted to actually waken, but that she still was aware who sat beside 
her.
*You... here...*
He sighed and caressed her messy hair. Remembering how he had hurt her, when he touched 
her mind, he was really careful, when he confirmed who he was: *Yes, it's me.*
*Love you.*
That hurt.
Mulder closed his eyes. 'She's just feverish... Yeah, sure.' He sighed and answered: *I know.*
He felt like kicking himself to Hell and back. He could never reciprocate: all her love was for 
nothing... and she was miserable anyway. She didn't need another heartache, she didn't deserve 
it. 'Am I really thinking that Krycek the Traitor doesn't deserve punishment?' Then he looked down 
on the thinned body lying beneath the blanket and understood that there was no Krycek the 
Traitor any more. He had probably ceased to be, when 'he' turned into a 'she'.
Mulder had to face the realization that he didn't even hate her anymore. Perhaps it was just 
useless, when you have slept with someone and thus proven that in some weird way you did like 
the person. Or perhaps it was the child of theirs, or maybe just her blind openness right now - in a 
situation like this she had once again confessed her feelings. 'It must have been in her mind all 
the time, this emotion. Strong enough to survive even the tests...' and in a way he admired her in 
that minute.

Krycek was ill for three days, then her fever broke and she woke again. When she had eaten her 
first meal after the illness, Scully proposed a bath and she didn't argue with her. She was well 
aware that she must stink like the worst kind of street low life. Though, she didn't expect, Scully to 
assist her but being as feeble and light-headed as she was, she accepted her presence and help. 
She heard Scully gasp when she saw her back. Krycek knew that her back hurt her but she 
wasn't aware of why it did.
"You have several tiny, but by the looks of it, deep cuts here. They have scarred but... Do they 
hurt?"
*Yes.* It was the first time after her fever, that she had said anything. She felt Scully tracing one 
of the scars and she shied away. She didn't want her to touch her more than strictly necessary. 
Scully understood and stopped.
Krycek tolerated her quite nicely in the bath and also when she gave her a towel to dry herself 
with but when Scully came closer again with the intention of brushing wet hair off her neck, 
Krycek winced angrily.
"Hush, I thought I saw something." Alex froze. "You have a scar here, too. Perhaps you have a 
chip." It was a shock and a bad one but not as bad as the one when Scully brought her son in 
after she had curled up on her simple bed.
"He's missed you, Alex." Scully put him in her lap and Krycek had to take hold of him. And she 
felt it again: his love for her, something she had not asked for but yet somehow had. He made her 
feel worthy of something. "His name is Kevin."
*He told me.*
"Did he?" Scully was surprised but in a good way. "He'll enjoy your presence."
Krycek gave her incredulous look, but Scully smiled, nicely. "I am sure, he will. He enjoys even 
Mulder's." That elicited a small smile out of Alex. Somehow it reflected in her son, who nudged 
her with his leg and demanded attention. Scully left then, saying that she had to prepare 
something to eat, and Krycek just held Kevin. She felt warm and sleepy from the bath, so she 
gave into the temptation and closed her eyes. Her son told her everything he had witnessed 
during the time she was gone - of course, how he had understood it. It was slightly amusing and 
greatly unnerving and mostly sad, but in some odd way made her feel welcomed. At least 
someone had bothered to record life for her. Just for her.

The next day
The scanner - one of the many things the Gunmen had equipped them with - beeped above 
Krycek's neck - as it was to be expected.
"You have a chip, alright." Scully commented and switched the device off.
*They can find...* she heard the whisper in her mind.
"Yes, they can. You know that I have one too, don't you?" Scully really wanted to know this.
*I didn't.* Krycek sounded shocked and sad. 'So Krycek hadn't known... That earns her some 
Brownie points.'
"But I suppose you suspected it to happen, when you arranged my abduction." Scully watched 
her just sitting there, looking at the floor. She seemed almost tearful.
*Sorry... I'm so sorry.*
"We can't change it, so let's drop it?"
*Deal....* Pause. *Can't you remove it?*
"Sure, if you want to die of cancer a couple of months later."
She hunched even more, and Scully felt bad about the last sentence. It had been rather harsh.
"You're not dying now, Alex."
*I hate... being hunted.* The anguish could be heard in her voice, so were the unshed tears.
"Don't we all? Look, if I thought about this thing in my neck each and every day, I would be insane 
by now. Just... try to ignore its existence. Take this."
Krycek took the offered handkerchief and wiped her face. *Has Mulder got a chip?*
"No, but he doesn't need one, his-"
*- brain is a beacon.*
"You know that? Did you ... come here sensing him?"
*Yes.*
"But why did I get the images instead of him? Why didn't you contact him?"
*I felt his presence but I couldn't get through. And I was afraid to... his mind power is terrifying.*
"And me? How did you link with me?"
*We were linked before. The children of Mulder-*
"Connect their mothers? Come on, you got to be kidding!" Scully almost laughed, although there 
was nothing funny.
*It's true.* Krycek struggled hard to find proper words in her scattered mind. *Those children are 
telepaths. You must know that. They also open similar channels... in their mothers. You can also 
partly hear Mulder?*
"I've never tried." Scully confessed but was now convinced that Alex was telling the truth. Again. 
It was eerie.
*If you do, go very-very slow.*
"I heard, he's terrifying. I remember."
*Not only that. It can hurt a lot.* Scully remembered how Krycek had huddled into a shivering ball 
when Mulder had touched her mind and she believed her.

October, 2004
Personal diary
Krycek has been with us almost three weeks now. She is still weary from the long journey and 
much thinner than she used to be but she is beginning to live again. She talks to me, well, we 
'communicate' telepathically. I'm scared of this a little but it seems to be the only way - she 
refuses to contact Mulder. I can understand her: he did hurt her the first time and by the looks of 
it, quite severely. I haven't tried to link with Mulder but maybe I should try it. The ability might be 
handy in a world where there are not many other possible methods of communication.
Kevin frightens her. She is visibly uneasy around him but she is adapting, I think. She is learning 
from me how to deal with children and she could become quite a good babysitter.
Yeah, what a thought, indeed!
I have learned from her, too. For example, how to chop onions without tears. I didn't know she 
could cook, but she does. She offered to do something four days ago and then I witnessed the 
most skilful use of kitchen knife that I have ever seen. As an answer to my surprised expression 
she smiled the first time wholeheartedly and commented: 'Didn't expect me to possess any good 
qualities, did you?'
She was right, of course. She will always be the first in my mind to blame for everything, from 
burned toast to the end of the world. The last could even be a rather valid accusation. Anyway, 
she is here and we are tiptoeing around discussion topics and everything else. She understands, 
of course, and probably wishes that she hadn't come here.
Although as much as I have gathered from her comments she didn't have much of a choice in the 
matter. She woke up in the outskirts of Washington DC, unfortunately for her in the same place 
where she had been taken from all those months ago. It was even the same room, but it was way 
across the whole city from where we dwell now. So basically, she had to walk here, as she was 
dropped there. In the rainiest October weather I have ever lived to see. Must have stolen clothes 
and food... Not that we are in any position to judge such a behavior.
Must have been one dreadful journey... I don't envy her, at all.
But I'm jealous. She came here because she loves Mulder. She isn't a threat to our relationship 
but she does put stress on it. A lot of stress, for that matter. I don't like it but it would hardly do to 
send her out again - into the winter, and the cold and the loneliness. It must have been hard for 
her to live with years of aching like that for someone. I certainly had bloody difficult periods. 
Perhaps the fact that she was away from him helped her some. Or, actually - what does help in 
the case of love? Only patience, I suppose. And in that sense we are very alike.
That's a scary thought.

November, 2004
He was kissing her neck. There was this passion in those touches that she had never felt before. 
He simply adored her.
And it felt so good. It had been so long since they had touched each other like that, touched each 
other at all... but even longer since they had made love, too long a time indeed...
His fingers were warm when they traced her jaw line, her neck, mapped her shoulders, reached 
behind her head, went into her hair. He pulled her head back to reveal the throat, making it 
vulnerable against the vicious attack of his lips-
Krycek opened her eyes wishing to see him and there was no one. She was on her solitary bed, 
very much alone. But her body tingled. She had felt those things. 'Stupid wet dreams...' She 
pulled the covers closer and closed her eyes.
And there he was: now toying with her breasts, making her bite her lip at the sensation of it-
Alex blinked and he was gone. She had not been asleep; she had only just closed her eyes. 
'What's happening?'
Testing an odd theory, she shut her eyes.
He was investigating her navel with his tongue.
Very pleasant sensation, indeed. And arousing as hell.
It took a strong effort to open her eyes. She held her breath, listening to the sounds in the other 
room. The wooden bed creaked and the bed covers shifted. So Scully and Mulder were having a 
good time.
Suddenly the hurt was back, the pain of loss and doomed loneliness. When she had been 
weaker, she had somehow managed to quash the emotions, push them all away and just relish 
the feeling of being somewhere where there was warmth and food for her, where people at least 
tolerated her presence. But now... hearing them...
Now it hurt again. It hurt terribly.
It hurt so much that she didn't care about any morals. She wanted something to ease this pain 
inside and if she could get it only by stealing, then she would steal. She grabbed a pillow and 
pulled it onto her arms, pushed her face into it and closed her eyes tightly.
And he was kissing his way down on her stomach, making her squirm with it and wanting more 
and more and getting it, too.

The next morning Scully noticed that Krycek was unusually quiet. She ate, not looking at others 
and went outside directly after finishing her breakfast. Scully felt alarmed again. This timidity 
reminded her of the first days when Alex had been sick and tired and almost unable to 
communicate. Since they needed fire wood any way, she urged Mulder to get his butt out of the 
house and while bringing in the wood also take a look at what Krycek was doing. Mulder only 
grinned happily and obeyed, because the previous night had been marvellous.

Krycek was crouching on the shore of their spring. It was actually a brisk brook but Mulder had 
named it a spring and nobody argued.
"You're awfully silent today."
*I'm mute, remember? * Krycek's words were cocky but her tone wasn't. Mulder sensed also a 
great strain on her self-control.
"What's wrong?"
*Everything, nothing. * And then Mulder had suddenly vision of him and Scully in bed like they 
had been yesterday. The surprise must have shown in his face, because Krycek gasped and 
backed away from him, frightened
"How did you- You spied on us?"
Krycek took another step back but there was no footage. She slipped before Mulder could react.
It was relatively deep in this curve, this rivulet, and the ice was thin. She went into the water with 
a splash and didn't come up. Mulder stood there for a second, still frozen by the realization, then 
cursed and jumped in.
The coldness of the water knocked his breath out of him but he struggled against it and looked 
around. She floated near him, eyes closed, air bubbling out of her mouth. 'Damn you, damn!' He 
reached for her, grabbed hold of the back of her parka and hauled her to the surface. She was 
limp and she wasn't breathing and his fingers dripped red. Red like blood. 'Damnit, damnit!'
Out of the water, on the shore, head back.... All the instructions came back like somebody had 
read them aloud on the spot, and Mulder found himself kneeling beside Krycek and giving her 
mouth-to-mouth. 'I never wanted to kiss you again, and I still don't, damn you-'
She moved, coughed and started to come to. Mulder took a steadying breath himself and looked 
down on her. Krycek's eyes met his, but she was too busy with trying simultaneously to breathe in 
and cough the water out. When she finally had managed to establish a rhythm, he stood and 
offered his hand:
"Your head has a nasty wound. An ice cut by the looks of it. Scully will-"
"Not her again... " mumbled Krycek but tried to sit up.
Mulder froze the second time. "What did you say?"
Krycek looked at him, puzzled, but took his hand, heaved herself up and stood, still a bit wobbly.
"You talked a moment ago, Krycek!"
*I did not!*
"Yes, you did!" Mulder forgot even the fact that they were standing there, soaked to the bone. 
"Try it again!"
Krycek opened her mouth, but closed it again and shrugged.
"Come on, try!"
"What should-" and Alex stopped, stunned by her own voice. They stared at each other; Mulder 
eager to know what restored her ability, and Krycek shocked, finding that she could talk, and 
furthermore, think properly again. Then Mulder shuddered with cold.
"Inside!" he ordered and they jogged towards the house.

Scully stopped feeding Kevin when she saw two drenched figures coming in.
"What happened?"
"You tell her" commented Mulder and started to pull off his shirt, he had already shed the dripping 
parka.
"Mmm, we fell into the brook."
Scully gaped.
"You can talk."
"Sounds like it, doesn't it?" Krycek seemed positively astonished, when she, too, tried quickly to 
get rid off the wet cold clothes. When she struggled with a grey sweater, she suddenly began to 
stumble and almost fell, only the wall stopped her.
"She has a wound on her head. The thin ice." Mulder nodded and grabbed Kevin to free Scully for 
doctoring. Dana pushed him to the other room to finish his robing and went to Alex who had sat 
down.
"Still dizzy?" she asked, bending her head gently so she could see the back.
"Yes... and a bit nauseous. Signs of concussion." Scully was careful, but it still hurt when she 
parted her hair and touched the cut.
"Not too bad... Doesn't need stitches but it has to be cleaned." Out came the verdict.
"Just do it."
"Meanwhile, get out of those clothes."
Krycek obeyed and wrapped herself in the blankets from her bed. She was still sitting there when 
Scully came back with few cotton sticks and a bottle of something consisting of alcohol, because 
it stung like hell.
Mulder walked back in, clad in dry clothes but Kevin still in his arms and watched the scene. 
"How is it?"
"Bearable." Scully pulled away and Alex sighed with relief - what do you do, when you simply just 
do not like pain?
"How can you talk again?" Mulder, the Investigator of the Unexplained had returned from 
somewhere. Well, at least his suspicious voice was so familiar to Alex that she felt almost like at 
home. Mulder always sounded like that when Krycek couldn't - or sometimes wouldn't - give a 
neat and straight answer but right now she even didn't know the answer, and that was what she 
said.
"I do not know." Krycek shrugged and winced - the movement made her head hurt. "Maybe the 
blow did it." She didn't sound very convinced, however and-
Mulder wasn't buying it.
"That could be the case if the loss of speech came about due to an accident, or something like 
that." He shifted the boy in his arms - the rascal was getting rather heavy to carry around. 
"However, your case isn't the same."
"I really don't know any other reason." Krycek, sounding a wee bit frustrated, felt the warmth 
slowly encroaching to her limbs. The tea Scully brought for them both helped, too. "And Mulder, 
about the other thing.... I'm sorry."
Scully looked up, questioning expression on her face and-
saw Krycek blush.
"I heard you two yesterday..." she confessed and hid in her wet hair.

"She was lying." They were in their non-marital bed again and Mulder's voice was lower than 
usual, so Scully had to lean very close to him.
"What makes you say that?" she hissed into his ear, making him grin goofily and grab hold 
around her.
"She didn't ONLY hear us. Before she stepped through the ice, I saw in my mind an image of us 
in bed. Like we really were."
"She watched us?"
"It felt so..."
"That's somewhat unnerving."
"Yep." Mulder let his fingers roam on Scully's neck and she seemed to appreciate it. "Can you 
sense whether she's doing it again?"
Scully pushed herself up to stare at his face.
"You got to be kidding, Mulder."
"I'm not. Please say if she is 'watching' again. I might have had a video collection that wasn't 
mine, but I don't like to perform to anyone."
Even in this dim-lit room he could see Scully rolling her eyes, but she nevertheless did his 
bidding, concentrated and went very still. Then she relaxed and rested on his shoulder:
"No, she is very much asleep. Satisfied?"
"Well, not yet. But the things are looking up now in the light of new information."

Krycek kept indoors the next day because she wasn't feeling particularly well. Her head still hurt 
from the impact with the solidified surface of the water, and it wouldn't have been very wise 
walking around in the cold when you have just taken an unexpected dip in an icy river. She was 
really feeling her throat getting sore and she was also sneezing. Alex also remembered Scully 
mentioning that they were low on medical supplies and she felt guilty enough to try and avoid the 
need to use the meagre resources on her.
So she tried to be useful inside the house and ended up washing baby clothes.
As stupid and ironic as the task was, it was at least mechanical and gave her time to ponder her 
'miraculous healing'. She concluded two things: that her head worked normally now, at least 
inside the skull; and that this 'upgrade' from her previous state of awareness had happened 
because of a - kiss.
Well, in her case it had been a physical contact of a similar sort, but anyway.
The first fact was just simply good. It was a relief not to have to force the thoughts, or to look for 
words. 'Send your message unfiltered' returned a picture from memory. Alex grinned, yes, that 
was it; her brain had lost a filter that had inhibited her thought processes.
Rubbing at one particularly resistant spot on something green that belong to Sophia, Scully's 
daughter, she dug deeper into her memory. It seemed that the abductors had given her a slight 
chance. Why they had done it, she couldn't and didn't even try to fathom, but it sounded like 
something out of a fairy-tale: a kiss by a beloved. 'Great, that a resuscitation method qualified as 
one... Otherwise I would have been disabled forever.' Without this background knowledge she 
wouldn't have been able even to look for help and even if she had known what to do, how would 
she have achieved it? Kissed Mulder in broad day light in front of Scully? 'And I thought I had 
faced all types of suicide missions...' Krycek realised that she had been washing some ridiculous 
items and laughing silently for a while now. 'Definitely a basket case. Good that there are no 
hospitals left to lock me into.'

December, 2004
I asked for my journal back.
Scully swore that Mulder hadn't seen it but it looks thoroughly read, so I will have my serious 
doubts. Mulder just might have read it behind her back, I wouldn't put it passed him. Not at all. 
Well, if he did, then he has had sense enough not mention it to me. It doesn't matter anymore, 
though, for he will never see this notebook again. I'll make sure of that.
Never thought that I would be returning to this notebook but I have to do something when Mulder 
escapes into the bedroom to read something and Scully busies herself with the children. Hers 
and mine. You and this girl who is mentally your twin. This sounds weird and is weird, trust me.
Actually everything about this situation is weird. I am actually living with Mulder and Scully. It 
doesn't feel right. I see them tensing when I am around and so I want to avoid them. I would 
leave but I know my limits well enough not to risk it yet. And it is still midwinter and cold outside.
It is cold inside, too; inside of me. I have always had to steal things I wanted or needed and it 
seems that I can't stop it even now. Even if it involves the one whom I don't want to hurt at all.
I steal the closeness, the warmth, the intimacy that Mulder and Scully share. I am not proud of it 
but... 
Odd and inhuman as it may sound, but my missions kept me sane, intact. Now I live here, see 
him from day to day and I miss him so much... Like you could see, smell and sense the thing 
you've wanted all your life but you can't have it. Whatever the reason for that. 
The single night together, our night together, happened for all the wrong reasons.
Firstly a heavy drunkenness. Secondly, it was my stupid wish to show that I won't back down 
from his coaxing. It was a stupid show of bravery, no, foolhardiness and we both tried to ignore 
the fact that every action has results. Every damn decision brings forth new aspects. And now we 
are paying for our actions, the main result of them soon to be running around between us. Oh, 
how he must hate this and curse our, and especially his, foolishness and weakness. How he must 
hate me for being there to be baited on, and wish me dead for reminding him every single day of 
his reckless doings.
Yes, I miss him, more and more each day. And therefore I steal.
I'm just human and to overhear how they love each other is too much even for me. So - I steal. 
You know how I do that and now that my mind works properly, I can even be careful enough not 
to let my presence be known. It fills the moments, but... sometimes I feel even more alone 
afterwards. (And I'm dead when your father sees this...)
But I made the right decision when I left you with them. I could never care for you like Scully 
does. Must have trained her nursing skills to peak perfection on Mulder. He gave her plenty of 
times to practise, indeed.
God, I'm envious. The godawful emotion I have described ad nauseam on the previous pages, 
sears through me on a daily, no, correction, on an hourly basis. It feels like somebody turning a 
knife inside you. And I do know what I'm talking about. I would gladly drink to death or do drugs if 
I had any, just to flee from this feeling.
Now I suffer. Perhaps I deserve that. Maybe I could have done something, found something out 
sooner to prevent all this.
About half an hour later. The strangest thing just happened. Scully walked in and I shut the 
journal. She brought me some hot tea, and she told about Skinner. How they had found him, 
yadda, yadda. Anyway, she told me, that he doesn't know that I am your mother. I suspected I 
would be Mulder's dirty secret, but in this case I agree with that status. Skinner would go ballistic 
if he knew. She also told me that Skinner would be back in spring. If he comes back. If he does, 
and if he doesn't kill me on the spot, then Scully's suggestion is good - I could go with him to 
search for more information. I used to be quite good at that... There is, of course, this problem of 
trust, but I managed to convince even Mulder to trust me.
I can see that this is just a plan to get rid of me, but at least they are not throwing me out. And 
she did come in exactly at the moment when I needed some distraction from my gloomy 
thoughts. Not that the idea of working with Skinner isn't bad enough to qualify as gloomy.
Nevertheless, Scully seemed to sense my mood; I definitely sense hers. She is relieved right 
now, a bit happy that the discussion with me went so well, and pretty busy with peeling potatoes. 
Not a thing one would have expected Dana Scully doing.
So I'll have time till the spring. This somehow lifts some of the guilt from what I've been doing 
these nights. To know that you can't keep doing something morally rather disgusting indefinitely 
gives me a weak defense. (It wouldn't hold up in any court, not even in my conscience, if I ever 
manage to revive mine!)
Now I can call the activity 'recording nice memories'.
As if I believe the stuff I just wrote. Yeah, sure.
But I cannot stop either. He is so good in bed. Damn, how I love the things he does!
In those stolen moments I am loved, too.
And I love him, damn him for it, too. It sounds so pathetic, but it is true: I even love the scraps I 
get from him, the stolen crumbs of affection. Shit, I've become a bloody romantic.
And how I envy her. She has him and his love. The whole and lush luxury of being loved by him. 
(Well, if I am turning into a romantic fool, let's start now. And properly.) All the quiet looks, all the 
secret smiles, all those quick touches that make one's heart race and create the air of caring. All 
the kind caresses and the tone of voice that feels like silk brushing against the bare skin. All that 
one can have, being the recipient of his love.
All that I lack. And always will.
Damn love. Look, what it makes me write. Nonsense and stupid pink corny stuff... What is this 
monstrous feeling anyway? I couldn't figure it out, and truthfully, I don't care to. It has hurt me too 
much to waste any more time on the subject even if only for the reason of analyzing the meaning 
of love.
And I wish - very weakly, however - that I didn't love him.
Or at least, not so much.

December, 2004
Personal diary entry
Love.
It's the mystery of mysteries, and I, being a scientist, shouldn't be admitting there are things that 
go beyond what can be detected with a microscope and verified by scientific facts.
Love is one of those things. It can't be dissected and laid out on the slide. It can't even sometimes 
be recognized or named. But it exists.
As an entity, as a separate will, as a force, that affects us all.
Love. Lovers, mother's love, child's love, puppy love, love of God, unconditional love.
Words, which are both words, sequences of sounds and letters, but also the truest things in the 
world. The only reality and truth - that has not been twisted - one gets in this world.
I've read this diary, her, Krycek's diary, over and over again, trying hard to understand what 
makes her tick.
And I do understand her. It sometimes abhors me how well I do. She knew me well enough to 
leave her child with me, for me to care for... She claimed then that he is telepathic.
I believe that he is. Kevin has shown, no, felt that he cares about me. He loves her, his mother, 
like a child does, although she still doesn't exactly know how to relate to him. But at least she 
doesn't fear him like I feared Emily. Kevin also loves his father, who mopes right now next to the 
window. The aforesaid father loves me.... This is a love rectangle.
Love. Again the same word. Krycek loves him. Him as in Mulder.
This doesn't frighten me anymore. It used to. She loves him. I've been rolling this sentence in my 
mind so long that it has lost it power. But she does love him.
After all that has changed, it is a small miracle that she still does. After how he treated her, after 
her change, after the child, after the tests and the loss and regaining of speech. She still does. 
She can't hide it from me or from her child and perhaps she doesn't want to. She tries, however, 
to hide it from him, from Mulder.
But he knows it anyway, and suffers, because he can't return it. He suffers, because he sees her 
suffering. Another clich is apt here: love hurts. In their case it does. The love of unrequited kind. 
So now she lives here. With her aching body - the tests left scars on her that hurt - and with her 
aching heart, where the other kind of sensitive scars reside. She is unhappy, but life hasn't 
exactly treated anyone well on this planet... She might be happier elsewhere and I'm quite sure 
she will leave some day (perhaps she will even consider teaming up with Skinner as I 
suggested?) but right now she's here, with us. Within this Mulderian Triangle. The Bermuda 
triangle doesn't even come close with its mysteries.
But there still is love. As once a slogan said in one particular office in the basement of the FBI 
building in Washington DC in the United State of America: I want to believe. I want to believe in 
the future, in hope, in love. In forces that can make life a little better.

Scully put the pen down, closed the notebook and rested her eyes on the sleeping figure of 
Mulder. He radiated safety; at least so it seemed to her. She also glanced at the children and 
those were out cold, too. She knew that Krycek was awake but it didn't bother her. Alex was 
outside of this room and she was inside and that was all that mattered. Scully smiled and climbed 
into bed, next to Mulder. After giving him a kiss on his stubbly cheek, she snuggled close to him 
and he sleepily obliged, putting his arm around her.

They didn't need to know that Alex shared this warmth with them. 'What they do not know, cannot 
harm them, right?' she thought for the nth time and dozed off, dreaming of belonging.