From: =?iso-8859-1?q?Finn?= Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2004 02:03:49 +0000 (GMT) Subject: Survivors Guilt by Finn O'Brien Source: direct TITLE: Survivors guilt AUTHOR: Finn O'Brien E-MAIL:temple_of_low_men@yahoo.co.uk RATING: R CATEGORIES: S angst, vignette KEYWORDS: Pre-XF SUMMARY: Scully's introspection whilst visiting her sister during a personal crisis. How do you take the heat for people you love when they won't let you? Disclaimer: Not mine, Probably not yours either. I won't tell if you don't. Author's Notes: Blergh. It's two in the morning and I'm not sleeping. Go figure. I get the distinct feeling I shouldn't be here. I've come to visit my sister during a brief break from the constant, unrelenting grind of my medical degree. Only 6 weeks left to go, and I should be knuckling down, but after a session with my own doctor about some worrying chest pains last week, we decided a break would be beneficial. Now I'm not so sure. I know I should be here, and yet everything in me is screaming to turn tails and leave. Text books are familiar, everything is spelled out on the page there in front of you, 'This is how you detect rhinoplasty' etc, what I wouldn't give for a textbook version of events right now. I lift my quickly sobering head from my hands and glance through the window in the top half of the kitchen door, through to where my sister is visibly upset and talking angrily into the phone. Her voice is one step between threatening and pleading and I can't look at her. I shouldn't be here. This is not my business. But I can't leave. Not while she's so upset. In my moment of indecision she turns around, meeting my eyes but not seeing me. She's pretending I'm not here, but I know that she knows me well enough that she knows she can ask me to leave. She wants me here. I think she wants me to hear this. Her boyfriend of two years had to leave this city under circumstances that she hasn't shared with anyone up until this point. All I know is that his debts were pretty huge, including thousands owed to her, and that she's been left to pick up the pieces while their relationship was defined as ambiguous at best. From where I'm sitting, all he's done is take and manipulate and abuse her trust, but she doesn't see it quite that way. What can I say? I don't know shit about it. Shit. I shouldn't have drunk so much tonight. We went out for a few drinks to catch up and celebrate my being in town. Of course, I haven't been out and drinking much recently due to assignments and exams, and my alcohol tolerance was lower than it had been. I'm training to be a doctor after all, I should know this, but I didn't really care. I hadn't seen my sister properly in well over a year and I was going to have fun while I was here. But she started talking about Freddie, and before I know it we're back at her place and he's ringing her. "Dana, I'll be five minutes" She said, her voice full of hope, like a kid on christmas, like he's going to turn around and say 'don't worry babe, I've straightened it all out and I've got my white charger and my armour all shiny, I'm on my way'. Asshole. I discretely left the room, but in Melissa's tiny apartment there is only really the bathroom to go to, at least this side of the kitchen. She was standing in the living room and her bedroom was up the stairs behind her. Future note for those persons craving privacy for unexpected phonecalls - don't live in an open plan apartment. It didn't matter where I was, I could hear every word said. After spending more than enough time in the bathroom, and hearing the conversation turn sour, word for word, I decided to venture out into the kitchen. It's like I half expected him to be there so I could kick his ass. And I would have. My sister's tear stained face and hitching breath said all it needed to, even if I hadn't been privvy to the entire, continuing phone conversation. One thing people don't realise about me is that I have an anger management problem. That sounds so clinical. Basically, I bottle and I bottle, and then I blow. And if you cross me, or my family...you'd wish you hadn't. It doesn't often get to physical violence, I am a diminuitive figure after all, but I will tear you a new ass verbally if you hurt anyone I love. And I don't care who you are. "So after two years, *two years*, and after everything we've been through...everything I've stood by you through...you're going to leave it like this. You're going to leave *me* like this? I never thought you'd be the one to leave. I thought you were just cowardly enough to leave that to me." Missy's words cut through the air and reached my ears like they were being spoken to me. Why did I feel like I was the one at fault? I sure felt like I should apologise. Instead I went to the sink and poured a glass of water. After taking a hefty gulp myself, I refilled it, and wordlessly entered the living room. She didn't look up to acknowledge my presence, and I didn't look at her. I placed the glass on the floor in front of her and made a hasty retreat. Settling back on my step in the kitchen, I was oddly pleased to see her take the glass and drink while she reamed out the asshole on the phone, in between fits of crying. I just felt like I'd done something little to help. "After. Everything." Her words cut once again. And although my head was in my hands and I was staring at my feet, I felt her voice come at me like she had changed postions in the living room and was directing everything at me. Well let it rip Missy, if it helps. Let it rip. "I let you Fuck me." I can't believe I just heard her say that. There are some things I shouldn't hear. I want to go to leave but she repeats herself. Why use that phrasing? Why not say 'we slept together' or 'we made love' or 'we had sex' even...there's something harsh about the way she puts it, it makes her sound like she was used and he was an ungrateful S.O.B. I chance a glance up and she meets my gaze head on. She wanted me to hear that. She turns away and says a few more choice words and then hangs up the phone. Immediately the strength seems to leave her body and she crumples to the sofa. Sobbing. Her body wracked with heaving sobs for the sake of this bastard. I entered the room almost as soon as the phone hit the cradle, and now I'm not sure what to do. Standing above her I chance a hand on her shoulder. My hand makes contact for all of a second before she turns on me like wounded animal, and screams at me to back away. I immediately retract my hand but stand there, defiant, stupidly telling her to calm down, it's just the first thing that comes to mind to say. I know I've made a fatal mistake when she rised and stalks away from me. Her return across the rug brings a surprising response. I expected to be screamed at somemore, to be told to get out, or to be slapped or something. But she stops in front of me, the tears still falling, and i realise, falling from my own eyes too. "I know you heard all that Dana, tell me what you're thinking." Her voice is asking for redemption, forgiveness and the comfort she won't let me give. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and absorb the pain into myself. I can't of course, but I chance a hand on her forearm, stroking lightly. She doesn't back away, so I let it rest there while I talk. "I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't have all the details afterall, but I do want to kick his ass. Fuck." I turn my face away momentarily. I really do feel like that. "I want to kick his ass. But I need to understand why." Now she turns from me. "I can't go through it all now Dana. I just need to be alone." She meets my eyes "Do you mind?" Half of me is relieved. I shamefully admit that. The other half wants to stubbornly stay, despite her request, but I will go. She knows it. "I'll be back in an hour or so" I say. Afterall, this is the only place I can stay here, she seems to remember this just as I head for the door. "Wait Dana, I forgot, where will you go?" She says, trying to pull herself together. If I'm still here, she can't do that. "I saw that all night coffee bar on the corner. I'll be fine. You'll know where I am." I say, trying a smile, as I hug her close and leave as I feel her sobs return. I feel like a coward for leaving, but if I hadn't she wouldn't appreciate the gesture. I'd give her some time to cool off and try again in the morning. Family are worth it.