From: DanaK35 Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 19:06:05 +0200 Subject: NEW: Taking Control - part two (1/1) by DanaK35 Title: Taking control II (1/1) Author: DanaK; DanaK35@excite.com Archiving: everywhere as long as my name stays on it, drop me a line though, I'd love to visit! Rating: PG Classification: V Spoilers: up to One Father/Two sons Keywords: Musings Summary: Mulder's POV Author's note: This one is for you Elizabeth! Disclaimer: 'The X-Files' and all 'The X-Files' related characters and situations are the intellectual property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the FOX network. The following material is not intended to infringe on the above copyright in any way. Which means, they aren't mine, yak yak yak...you know the drill! Taking control II by DanaK35 I sit alone on my leather couch. The light from the TV flickers and casts an unreal light in the room. Alien. How fitting. I am physically and mentally exhausted tonight. Numb. I wish my emotions were dead, too, but they are not. I know that I have hurt her. Something I never wanted to do and yet something that gave me a pang of pleasure, even if just for a moment. For one fleeting second I enjoyed the look on her face when I told her I didn't believe her. Just for one second though. In a way I wanted her to know how it feels when the person you respect the most doesn't believe in you. A childish notion, I know that, but her coldness, her damned rationalism, her scientific mind have hurt me too. She hides her feeling so well I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her. I don't know if it's only walls she has built around herself or the genuine lack of those feelings. It can't be, she has expressed deep emotions before. Only lately she has turned into the true Ice Queen. I have almost kissed her, I have even asked her to marry me - if in a slightly unfitting situation - and I have told her I loved her. She has never mentioned the scene in my hallway and her only comment to my revelation was "Oh brother!" in that breathy voice that tells me nothing at all. I know that our relationship is suffering. Maybe I should just go to her, make her listen to me, make her look at me and tell her again. But I won't. She will reject me again, for her very own reasons and then I will no longer be able to keep this charade up. It is ridiculous really, I cannot live with her but the thought of losing her still makes me physically sick. Sometimes the thought of ending that pain seems so charming to me. Dangerously charming. To just walk up to her and tell her: 'Hey, I love you more than life but you obviously don't so - good bye! Have a nice life!' But there is still the chance that she does feel something more than friendship for me. There must be. Or am I just kidding myself? I know that part of the problem is that I have put her on a pedestal and now I can't deal with the fact that she might not be as perfect as I want her to be. Who says she HAS to return the feelings I have for her? I wish, that after so many years I'd still have the strength to just ask her how she really feels. But I don't. I have never been very good at dealing with loss or rejection. Pitiful, I know but that's just the way I am. I have said enough, done enough to make myself clear to her. Now she will have to be the one to take control of our situation. If she doesn't I will have to decide whether I can continue living like this or not. Restless, I get up and slip into my boots, grabbing my leather jacket. I know I won't be able to sleep and so I might as well go to the office. Now that we have gotten the X-Files back there is enough work. Half an hour later I open the door to the basement office I almost bump into Scully. "Scully?" I ask her incredulously. She is dressed in faded jeans and one of her button down sweaters. Her hair is swept back from her forehead and she looks beautiful devoid of make-up. She looks equally astonished to see me. "What are you doing here?" I ask and she swallows and closes her eyes briefly. "I needed to talk to you, Mulder" she says. THE END Feedback?? Please....? ? DanaK35@excite.com -- You will find me down by the river, getting high on my mortality - Sinad Lohan 1999 -- You will find me down by the river, getting high on my mortality - Sinad Lohan 1999