From: Todd China <china@usc.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 12:40:26 -0800
Subject: Talk Radio (1/1)

Category - Humor
Rating - PG

By day, he's Fox Mulder, FBI.  By night, he's... also Fox Mulder, FBI. 
But on certain nights, he's...
"Mr. Bill," host of...

TALK RADIO

Transcript of 24 October 1998 broadcast:

MR. BILL: Okay, good evening folks, this is Mr. Bill, and welcome to
another installment of "Talk Radio," where we discuss relationships and
topical, hip stuff like that.  I'm your host, Mr. Bill, broadcasting to
you live from Washington, D.C., KFOX FM 96.3.  You know, I just happened
to watch that Harrison Ford movie last night,... SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS. 
There was a funny scene, you know, with David Schwimmer and that woman
with the... big pair of... jugs.  Oh, I'm sorry, her name was Angelica. 
Anyway, this guy, this weak scum Schwimmer, he totally betrays the love
of his fiance Anne Heche, by sleeping with this hot chick.  When he
tells her he feels guilty,  like he's failed a test of his character,
she tells him, "It's totally natural, you know... you know how when
people have sex after a funeral?" And Schwimmer says, "They do NOT have
sex after a funeral!"

(Mr. Bill chuckles for a few seconds)

MR. BILL:  Anyway,... I guess I could relate, you know?  We have a
caller, Robbie, from Los Angeles.  `Kay, Robbie, what's up my man?

ROBBIE: Mr. Bill, I just want to tell you how much I love your show.  I
listen to it every week.

MR. BILL: Thank you.

ROBBIE: Well, I'm a student in college, and...

MR. BILL:  What college would that be?

ROBBIE: USC.

MR. BILL: Trojans... just like the condom?

ROBBIE: Yeah... just like the condom.

MR. BILL: So, Robbie, what can I do for you?

ROBBIE: Well, there's this girl I've known since we were in high school
together, and I used to always talk to her whenever I was feeling down. 
We only talk occasionally, but when I do get to speak to her, she really
makes me feel good about myself, my life, everything. I really feel like
we understand each other.

MR. BILL: Do you trust her?

ROBBIE: Yeah, I trust her with anything.  I would trust her with my
life.  But I don't know how to tell her about these ... feelings I have
toward her.  She's really special to me, and I don't want to mess it up
and lose her friendship.

MR. BILL:  Robbie, I feel you.  I really do.  You know, obviously, the
thing to do would be to start dropping all kinds of subtle innuendoes
and various "hints."  

ROBBIE: What kind of hints?

MR. BILL: When you see her in the morning, smile and tell her, "Good
morning, sunshine."  Compliment her appearance with a remark like, "I
think it's remotely plausible that someone might think you're hot." 
Show your appreciation for everything she's done with something like, "I
owe you everything; you owe me nothing."  Tell her how much she means to
you by saying, "You're my one in five billion."  

ROBBIE: Wow.  I need to take notes.  Can you run that by me again?

MR. BILL: Sure.

(Mr. Bill repeats everything he has just said for the benefit of Robbie)

ROBBIE: Thanks, Mr. Bill.  I appreciate it.

MR. BILL: No problem...  We've got another caller here, Benny, from New
York City.  What's your story, Benny?

BENNY: Well, I was going out with a wonderful girl named Laura, for
about two years, before...

(Benny starts sniffling)

MR. BILL: Take your time, Benny.  We've got all night here.

BENNY: Thanks.  Anyway, Laura mysteriously disappeared while on a
fishing trip off the coast of Nova Scotia.  No one has been able to find
her for months.  I miss her so much. 

MR. BILL: I'm so sorry.

BENNY: Thanks.  What happened, though, was... I was hanging out in
Yankee Stadium watching the Yankees school the Padres in the World
Series.

MR. BILL: Hell, yeah.

BENNY: Yeah, I was watching the World Series at Yankee Stadium, and
there was the prettiest lady sitting next to me.  We started talking,
and one thing led to another, and after the game... we...went back to
her place... she started shaving me... we tumbled onto her bed... we
kissed.... we had a one-night stand.  I felt terrible.  I haven't seen
her since, because I feel too guilty, like I've... I've betrayed the
woman I love, you know what I mean?

MR. BILL: Yeah, I know what you mean.  Were you listening to my opening
monologue about SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS?  ... Anyway, it's sort of like I
said.  Life inevitably and naturally seeks to perpetuate itself in the
face of death and pain.  It's all about procreation asserting itself
within the shadow of destruction.  Seen in that light, what you did was
completely understandable, my friend.  You shouldn't feel guilty at
all.  You should be feel human, that's how you should feel.

BENNY: Thanks, Mr. Bill.  You've definitely lifted a load off my chest.

MR. BILL: Anything to help, Benny.  And by the way, folks, I don't need
to hear about kinky crap like how some girl shaved you as a preliminary
to sex, okay? I just don't need that.  Before you know it, some lame,
overly impressionable kid out there will be completely offended and
traumatized for life, and I'll get massively sued by some evil parent,
and I'll get kicked off the air by the FCC.  Kind of like how George
Carlin got into trouble for using all seven of the big swear words in
one sentence?  That's what I'm talking.  Keep it clean, folks.

MR. BILL: Okay,  who's our next caller.  Connie, from San Francisco. 
You're on the air, Connie.

CONNIE: Hi, um, I had the most traumatic experience when I was down in
Vietnam a few weeks ago with my best friend Chris.  

MR. BILL: What happened?  And what the hell were you doing in Vietnam?

CONNIE: For years, Chris had been living in Vietnam, completely cut off
from everyone in the States.  It was like that movie, THE DEER HUNTER. 
Did you ever see that movie... the one with Robert De Niro, Meryl
Streep, and Christopher Walken?

MR. BILL: No, I'm afraid your taste in movies is WAY too high-brow, by
my standards.

CONNIE: Anyway, I had this horrible, traumatic confrontation with Chris
in a seedy back room in some bar in Vietnam.  It was terrible, just like
that scene with De Niro and Walken in that movie.  All these evil
Vietnamese devils, some Americans too, were playing Russian roulette and
betting on the outcome.  Chris was playing, and I couldn't get him to
leave with me, so I went in and joined the game.  I looked into his
eyes, and tears rolled down, and I said, "Is this what you want?  Is
this what you want, Chris?" I pulled the trigger at my own head and for
a single split second, I was thrown into a well of sheer blackness. 
Then I realized I wasn't dead yet.  I spun the chamber and as I handed
the gun to Chris, I put my hand over his and said, "Come back with me. 
You and I can both walk away, right now.  Chris... I love you."  He
stared into my eyes for an eternity, unfeeling at first, and gradually a
spark of recognition.  Finally, he put the gun down and collapsed on the
table from the exhaustion.  He would have died if he'd pulled that
trigger.

MR. BILL: Amazing.  What happened next?

CONNIE: Well, we walked out of that place and had a tender hand-holding
moment.  The next day we flew back to America.

MR. BILL:  What?  You held hands; that's all?  You mean you didn't
follow him to bed that night and ravish him like an unbridled sex
fiend?!

CONNIE: No.  He's my childhood friend.  It's really hard for us.. to..
cross the line into that sort of...relationship... which is why I was
calling...

MR. BILL: I can't believe you didn't sleep with him the first chance you
got.  In the face of death, procreation rightfully asserts itself;
haven't you been listening? Love is the answer, and I don't just mean
deep abiding, spiritual love or some lame sophism like that.  I'm
talking physical love. The real deal.  The whole 500 miles.  If I were
you, I'd have satisfied the mutual urges immediately!  Immediately, you
understand?  Go to him, Connie.  Show him what a full-blooded American
girl like yourself is capable of.

CONNIE: I'll take your advice to heart, Mr. Bill.  

MR. BILL: Jeez, Louise!  Our next caller is a Ray, from Montana.  Ray?

RAY: Hi, Mr. Bill.  I have a problem with my wife and I trying to have a
child.  You see, she's... infertile.  She's incapable of having children
of her own, and it's always been a dream of ours to have kids, and we're
too poor to afford getting a donated egg and artificial insemination...
so I was wondering what you'd do in a situation like this...

MR. BILL: Oh, you're in luck, Ray, because I happen to be uniquely
qualified to offer my advice on the matter.  My advice to you is, find
the nearest fertility clinic, steal a vial of eggs, stick them in the
freezer at home, and then get back to me.  Next!

REESE: Hi, my name is Reese.

MR. BILL: Reese, welcome to Talk Radio.  What's your story?

REESE: Well, the woman I love has terminal cancer.  It's metastasized
and has proliferated through her bloodstream. The doctors are trying an
experimental treatment with the use of p53 gene therapy, and we're
having our Catholic priest come in everyday to pray for us, but her
condition is worsening.  I... I can't lose her, Mr. Bill.  What do I
tell her?  What can I do for her...to show her... how much I love her?

MR. BILL: I have a unique method that is a proven success.  One night,
when your loved one is asleep in the hospital room, you have to go in
and perform a special ritual.  It involves sitting down on a chair next
to her bedside, grabbing her arm, closing your eyes, and pretending
you're going to eat it.  I personally know of a case in which this was
done, and bam, the cancer went into remission in a matter of days!

REESE: Well, I don't suppose it will hurt.

MR. BILL: No, of course it won't.  Let me know how it goes, Reese. 
Okay, our next caller is on the air.  Her name is... um, Dana, from...
Washington, D.C.  You're on, Dana.

DANA: Hi, I just tuned into your show about ten minutes ago, and decided
I needed to ask you about something.

MR. BILL: What's that, exactly?

DANA: There's a man I work with... a friend... and... I think I'm in
love with him.

MR. BILL: (silence for a moment) Really?

DANA: Yes, I love him with all my heart, but I'm afraid that he'll turn
away from me.  You see, there was a woman who came back into his life a
few months ago.  She used to be his... girlfriend, and I felt like she
was trying to push me out of his life.  

MR. BILL: I'm sure this man has eyes only for you, Dana.

DANA: You think so?  We almost kissed at one point during the summer,
but then I got stung by a bee and... long story.  Since then, it's all
been swept under the rug and forgotten.  We're back at work, same old,
same old, and I wonder if anything will ever change between us.  It's so
lonely sometimes, and I think of him, but then I think of HER, and I'm
confused.  It's been a long-held dream of mine... to find true love...
and I have this strong feeling that this man, this man is The One.  Oh,
what do I do?

MR. BILL: Let me tell you something.  You should go into work the next
day, put your arms around him on first sight, and give him the most
passionate kiss a human is capable of.  Tell him you love him.  Chances
are he'll surprise you in return by pulling out the biggest bouquet of
sweet yellow roses you've ever seen.  I predict you'll be married within
a fortnight.

DANA: Mmmm,  it makes me smile to think of it.  Your voice sounds
awfully familiar, Mr. Bill.  Do we know each other?

MR. BILL: Uh... of course not.  Not at all, Dana.

DANA:  Well... thanks, Mr. Bill.  I'm really tired, and listening to
your show while I sit here reading over these boring autopsy reports is
such a comfort, let me tell you.  I can't tell you how grateful I am to
you for that.

MR. BILL: I owe you everything, Dana.  You owe me nothing.

DANA: Good night, Mr. Bill (yawns)

MR. BILL: Sweet dreams, Dana.  (pauses) Well, folks, that about wraps up
our show for tonight.  I wish to thank my great producers and tech staff
here at KFOX FM 96.3.  This is Mr. Bill, host of Talk Radio, signing
off. 

Todd China
email: china@usc.edu
http://www-scf.usc.edu/~china/xfiles.html