From: CRK1963@aol.com Date: 5 Jun 1999 08:19:14 -0700 Subject: xfc Tears for the Heart From: CRK1963@aol.com Title: Tears for the Heart Author: Cathee Kancel Spoilers: None Keywords: Scully Angst/1st person Summary: Scully deals with her feeoings after the wedding of a good friend Disclaimer: Dana Scully isn't mine. She belongs to Fox Mulder (even thioiugh she doesn't realize it yet), XF and Chris Carter Author's Note: Well, they say writing is good therapy. And I have to say, I do feel better after writing this. I wanted to share it since I'm sure many people have had similar experiences. Or, maybe not. LOL! Either way, I hope you like it. Oh, and I have Scully a little older than she is when she starts working with Mulder. Tears for the Heart By: Cathee Kancel It's 3:00 a.m. and I still haven't fallen asleep. Actually, I still haven't stopped crying. Every time I think I'm all dried up, the tears start falling again. I just glanced in the mirror and I look like something out of a horror movie with puffy, red eyes and wet streaks rolling down it's face. I look pathetic, I feel pathetic, and tonight, I was pathetic. Deanna has been a good friend of mine since college. We struggled through med school together and kept in touch even after I started training at Quantico. A few months ago her and her boyfriend of 4 years decided to get married. It was so romantic, he took out a page in his local small town paper relating stories of their courtship and how they had fallen in love. At the bottom of the page, in big, bold print, he asked her if she would marry him. He placed this beautiful, shiney diamond on her finger and a few months later they were walking down the aisle. For those months I almost felt as if I were planning my own wedding. I went with my friend to look at invitations, check out reception halls, pick out flowers for the bouquets, and all the other girlish things that go into a wedding preparation. It was fun, although deep down I think I felt a twinge of envy, wishing it was me who had found the man of her dreams. Since I was one of the Bridesmaids, I was required to come a bit early for pictures. As I entered the gardens where the ceremony was to be held, I heard the music and smelled the aroma of the flowers surrounding the white silk streamers. Out of the blue I thought to myself, *I hate weddings. Why am I here? They are so depressing.* I know as a fact that if I wasn't in the wedding party I would haev bolted out the door right then and there. I knew it wasn't practical or supportive to be thinking this way. I love Deanna to death; she's one of my best friends. But I can't seem to squelch this knot that begins to expand in my heart after the passing of each minute. I hope nobody noticed by shivering and trying to fight the tears back during the ceremony. My eyes started tearing up as I noticed her husband-to-be looking at her with all the love the universe could hold. It was sweet, touching, and damned depressing! I'm happy for them, really, I am. I'm just tired of watching everyone else live "happily ever after," while I'm still living singley ever after. As they dedicate their love and devotion to one another under the arch, I can feel my heat begin to sob. The tears travel up to my eyes as I turned the other way in fear of others noticing that I was slowly losing control. I know it's selfish, and I hate myself for being this way, but I want it so bad for it to be me up on the altar pledging my love to the man of my dreams, (whoever that may be). I'm so tired of always being the bridesmaid, or the guestbook attendant, or the cake cutter. I want to be the Bride. I want to be starting a life with someone who I consider my best friend as well as my soulmate. I'm tired of watching my relatives and friends find their "one true love." I mean, it's my turn. It's been my turn for years. Many of my cousins in their early twenties, all of who I remember as infants, are getting married. I need to make a correction here, it's not that I'm tired of watching them find true love, it's just that I want to find it. I want to look into someone's eyes and know they can see right through to my soul. I want to walk with the one I love down a moon-lit beach holding hands. I want to be the one kissing my newly found fiance in the rain. Why is it that so many people I know get to experience all this while I sit back and smile? And tonight I'm still smiling, but it's through tears. I am happy for my friend. But I think I'm more sad for me. Maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I'm 34 years old and am way past due to meet the one who is to make my soul compolete. WAY past due! My emotions were in check after the ceeremonty and while standing for what seemed like hours in the recieving line. I was actually enjoying myself eating cake and socializing, until it came time for the newlyweds to dance their first dance as husband and wife. My eyes were flooding as I watched them hold each other and gaze sweetly into the other's eyes as the words to "Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye," played. Afterwards, when it was time for the parents to dance, I exused myself and went to the bathroom. Away from the crowd, I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried - and I haven't stopped since. Sure, I finally went back out and talked with Deanna and a few of her relatives. I was all happy and smiles, well, as much as an 'icequeen' can be happy and smiles. Inside I was dying, though. Shortly after Deanna and her new husband left for their night of wedded bliss, I said my goodbyes and drove to my apartment, crying all the way. And here I am now, the tears still coming without an end in sight. The more I think of happy couples expressing love and affection for one another, the louder my heart screams. I think I am living proof that a heart can break even when it hasn't been in love. It's breaking for the love it's never known and may never know. I need to try and sleep, though. I shouldn't be throwing such a pity party for myself. I really have a good life. I've really been blest in many ways. And Monday I start a new and challenging position working in the X-Files Division. Yes, I have had many blessings, but the blessing I want the most my never come. At this thought I feel a tear role down my cheek as I drift into a restless sleep.