From: "David Hearne" Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 14:27:06 -0400 Subject: xfc: Tears of an Undertaker (1 of 1) Source: xfc TITLE: TEARS OF AN UNDERTAKER (1 of 1) AUTHOR: DAVID HEARNE CLASSIFICATION: Pre-XF RATING: PG SPOILERS: All Things (or all things. Sorry but I just can't use those little letters.) ARCHIVE: Permission granted. Send feedback to ottercrk@sover.net Website located at http://members.dencity.com/hearne XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Memories claw at us like rats on a corpse. Summoned by a random word or smell, they attack us with unstoppable force. What was once insubstantial becomes as heavy as rock. We stop all activity as the present becomes meaningless before a past full of mistakes and lost chances. Our bodies can no longer move. The past may not be dead, but it makes us understand death. Stretching before us is a cemetary of time; a million tiny graves each containing an infinity of possibilities no longer available to us. We stand before the cemetary, tempted to enter even though we can be lost forever on these mist-covered grounds. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX He made her cry after her third class of his course. As a teacher, he liked to bait his students; enjoyed pressing a couple of their buttons; wanted to make them look up from their notebooks and face him. For that class, she was his target. He focused his toughest questions on her and made her stumble. After she demonstrated ineptitude to the whole class, he raised an eyebrow at her and said, "Are you sure you're in the right class?" She managed to hold it until the class period was over. Then she rushed to her dorm room and sobbed into her pillow. Her tears didn't just flow from humiliation. She cried because she wasn't sure after all. Why was she taking these courses in the first place? Yes, she had an interest in biology. The intricate mechanisms of the human body were compelling to her. However, her current path through life had more to do with her parents than her own choices. They had seen her interests at an early age, took ahold of them and directed (forced?) her to the goal of becoming a doctor. Her father had played the largest part in this guidance (or manipulation?) "A doctor is one of the finest occupations a person can have," he told her, then added, "Any family would be proud to have one in its ranks." Yes, sir! Reporting for duty, sir! Off to medical school, hup-two-three-four... On that day, her doubts almost overwhelmed her. She came within an inch of calling up her parents and confessing all of her uncertainities. What kept her from that was anger. She saw her teacher's raised eyebrow in her mind and was enraged by his audacity. How dare he do that to her? She found a new motivation besides a desire to satisfy her parents. This time, her motivation was revenge. She read every article the teacher had written. At first, she felt intimidated again. His mind was strong and seemingly unflappable. How could a first-year med student ever hope to overwhelm him? Then she found something -- a weakness of logic in his most recent essay. During the seventh class, she attacked. He had overlooked her since he had humiliated her before. Now, he was taken back by the sight of this quiet little redhead giving him an interrogation. The whole class was astounded as the two of them went back and forth for ten minutes, neither one of them giving ground on the battleground of science. He won. He found the weakness in her logic and exposed it. She had to concede. "Then, perhaps may we continue with the class?" he asked, raising that eyebrow again. She just nodded, but she kept staring at him with dry eyes. Afterwards, he summoned her to his office. When she arrived, the first thing she said was "I'm not going to apologize." "I'm not asking you to," he said, leaning back in his chair. "Actually, I was impressed. And grateful." "Grateful for what?" "Obviously I overlooked a question in regards to that essay. If one of my colleagues had asked it, I would have been reduced to a bowl of Jello. Thanks to you, I will have an answer ready." She narrowed her eyes. "You didn't look very Jello-ish when I asked the question." He was quiet for a second, then he sat up straight and said, "Well..." "It's different when a student asks the question. You have the power there. Without that power, you fall apart, don't you?" With that, she slung a backpack over her shoulder and prepared to walk out of the office, his class and the whole school. Then she heard -- "I'm not going to apologize." She turned back, amazed at his arrogance. "Unless you're a Nazi, people have no business with apologies," he said. "And why's that?" "Because apologies mire us in the past. We should focus on the present." "Really? And what does the present tell you to do now?" He stood up. "Eat. I'm hungry. How about you?" It took a few moments before she burst out laughing. He smiled. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX There might have been a lot of muffled coughing and whispered rumors over her repeat visits to his house. She might have been labelled "teacher's pet" or worse. What prevented that was the friendship she had with his daughter. She first met her during a dinner party at the teacher's house. The experience left her uneasy. Squirming underneath the polite atmosphere was a swamp of intellectual cockiness, hostility and toadying of all kinds ranging from the nervous deference of an invited graduate student to the equally nervous tributes of a dean for a trustee. The teacher had enough irony in him to stand aside and enjoy watching all the vanity and insecurity. She, on the other hand, had to step outside the first chance she could get. That's where she found his daughter who had been silent for most of the party. She was smoking a cigarette as if it was the only thing left to do in the world. "That's not healthy," she told the daughter. The daughter turned to her and said, "You're not a doctor yet." She mimicked deep thought, then said, "Quite right." She pulled out her whole pack of cigarettes and asked for a light. That's how their friendship started -- a friendship bonded by their secrets and fears. One of the things that surprised the daughter was her new friend's doubts about her future. "You don't want to be a doctor? God, if anybody should be one..." "I didn't say I didn't want to be one. I just said...well, I'm not sure." "Believe me, you should be a doctor. Just the fact that you can understand my dad at all is justification." She didn't know what to say to that. The intimidation she felt before the teacher was small compared to a daughter who could never grasp the basics of science. She decided to change the subject. "You know...you know that plaque I saw in the front hall?" "You mean the one that says 'Live a life to make the undertaker weep at your grave?' Yeah, I know that one by heart." "Is that one of your father's sayings or...?" "It's from a Turkish song. But it might as well as be my dad's saying. He believes every last word of it." She smirked. "Carpe freaking diem." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Do you dare to inter this grave? Are you ready to confront sin and guilt? Or -- even worse -- could you face the happiness this sin might have given you? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX When he finally told her, it was done out of fear that she would have learned the truth without his revelation. That was something of a misconception. She might have dismissed any signs as her own fancy (or projection of her own feelings.) She could have rationalized them out of sight. She was good at that. On the night he told her, they had attended her first autopsy. Within that context, his timing was grotesque. Or appropriate. Or grotesquely appropriate. As he drove her back to her dorm, she had been babbling with enthusiasm about all the wonders she had seen revealed from under the skin. He kept smiling at her, amused and enthralled with her effusiveness. Then he stopped smiling. He pulled the car over. "What is it?" she asked. He closed his eyes and bent his head forward. If he hadn't already told her of his atheism, she would have sworn that he was praying. Then he opened his eyes and told her. Nothing to do now except stare at him. Nothing to do now except feel your skin turn warm. Nothing to do now except let shock and guilt wage war with softer emotions. "I know how this looks. It must seem like a betrayal of trust. Another example of me abusing my power." He swallowed. "I almost wish that was true. "But... "I don't know who has the power here. Because when I'm near you...I feel weak. I dread going to a class where you will be present. When I hear your voice behind me, I want to run away." He smiled in a painful way. "You know how I hate feeling like that." He closed his eyes again. "This is not fair to anyone. Not to my family and not to you. But...it's not fair that I should meet a woman who excites me and stimulates me more than my wife." He sat motionless and quiet for many seconds. When he opened his eyes, he said, "Of course, life is not exactly fair, is it?" She remained not speaking. "Do whatever you feel is necessary. Act as if this never happened. Drop out of class. Report me to the dean. I put myself in your hands. All of myself." With that, he pulled the car away from the curb and drove her back to the dorm. She didn't look back at him as she entered the building. They didn't see each other for three days. She missed his class for the first time. Then she called him one day and said, "I've heard Maggie and Barbara are going on a trip out of town." "Yes. That's true." "All right. Just want to make sure." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX O, Mother Mary, please forgive us for our wrongdoing, please forgive us for the hurt we have caused, please forgive us for the transgression of vows, the actions done in silence, the weakness of our hearts. Forgive us for our love. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The friendship between her and his daughter gave her a cover story, allowing her to make repeat visits to his house. It also helped that he became no more lenient to her as a student. If anything, he became stricter. Watching the two of them bicker over gene therapy in the school cafeteria would not have led you to suspect the deeper drama. As often occurs, guilt sharpened their appetites. Images of her parents and church flashed through her mind as she rolled over the Seventh Commandment. Her guilt was pulled down by the pleasure of a private rebellion. In her teacher's arms, she defied the parents who had shaped her life and the church from which she was drifting. His own guilt was built out of images of his family. However, that guilt withered away piece by piece along with his flip protective irony. The love overcoming him frightened him at first, but then he gave into it with a sense of relief. He allowed himself to be possessed by it. "I am yours," he whispered into her ear. "I am yours." However, the guilt he pushed aside was taken up by her. She was finding it harder and harder to look his daughter in the eye. Nor could she depend for long on her weak abilities at deception. The fuse was lit and it would only be a matter of time before their private life exploded in their face. Yet what if she called it off? What then? Could the two of them simply go back to being teacher and student? Was it possible to just toddle along the path she was on? Asking this question made her realize that she couldn't continue on this path under any circumstance. He denied any power over her. She knew better. As much as he was surrending to her, she was also surrending to him -- the first man outside of her family to influence her. Despite its transgression, their romance had been an offspring of her parents' decisions. They had pushed her. It was almost natural that she had pushed back with a sin committed with another authority figure. And the secrecy made her defiance meaningless. Her life had to be about something other than obedience or rebellion or even love. All of those things bound her to other people. Her life had to be about herself. That's when she made a most unusual decision. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "The FBI?!" "Yes." "That's...where in God's name did this come from?" "I've decided that's where I belong." "I see. Well. I must say this is the most inspired form of breaking off a romance that I've ever seen." "I won't...I won't deny that you are one of the reasons why I've made this decision. But it has been building up long before I met you." "I just don't get it. I mean...is this about power again? You want a badge and a gun to make you feel in control of your life?" "Would that be so bad?" He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Maybe I could accept that. But I can't accept the fact that you're running away from me." "It has to be done. For everybody's sake." "Look, you know how I feel. I am willing to sacrifice..." "This is about more than just me and you." "Oh, so you're now the realist. One minute, you're doing this for yourself. Then you're telling me that you're doing it for the sake of..." The pain in her eyes cut off his rant. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know...I can rationalize this. Ten years from now, it's possible I will look back and say 'She did the right thing.' Except for this FBI nonsense, of course." He placed his hands on her shoulders. "But I can also see you still in my life. I'm caught between these two futures and I don't know which one to accept." "There are a lot of futures to chose from. This is the one I chose." He kept his hands on her shoulders for a long time. When his hands slid away, he stayed quiet for an equally long time. Finally, he spoke -- "I used to think that an undertaker would weep because he was sorrowful over the ending of a life so rich and complete." He paused. "There's more than one reason to weep, though. Isn't there?" He walked away. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Her decision astounded everyone as much as the teacher. When it became clear that no arguments would change her mind, objections were grudgingly dropped. Any suspicions that this was just a passing fancy were cut short by the dedication with which she pursued her new career. Others still wished that she had gone another way, though. She continued on with full speed. If ever she doubted herself...if ever she looked back at the past...if ever she felt regret, she simply took the next step forward. Then came a turn in the road not decided by herself. This was the beginning of a new knowledge. She learned just how badly power could be abused and how the world could slip from the strong hands of science. She also met a man who could make her life as suffocating and constricting as anyone else did before. That's when she finally found out who she was. And when the past visited upon her, she knew what to say to it. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX It is possible to find your way through the cemetary. You can't do it alone, though. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX