From: PennySyc@aol.com Date: Mon, 29 Jan 2001 22:33:57 EST Subject: xfc: NEW: The Terrible Choice (1 of 1) by Leslie Sholly PG VRA/MSR Source: xfc TITLE: The Terrible Choice AUTHOR: Leslie Sholly E-MAIL: PennySyc@aol.com DISTRIBUTION: If you like it, it's yours. Just leave my name and address attached. And please let me know, if possible. SPOILER WARNING: Requiem, Without, Roadrunners, Badlaa RATING: PG CLASSIFICATION: VRA KEYWORDS: MSR, ScullyAngst SUMMARY: Scully considers her choices. DISCLAIMER: Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox own these characters. I mean no infringement or disrespect. FEEDBACK: Cherished and always answered. Please let me know what you thought. Pennysyc@aol.com (Leslie) **************** The Terrible Choice by Leslie Sholly **************** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "White shall not neutralize the black, nor good Compensate bad in man, absolve him so: Life's business being just the terrible choice." Robert Browning ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All pregnant women have nightmares. Bad dreams are a normal manifestation of unconscious fears for the baby within. Of course, I'm no normal pregnant woman. I'm Special Agent Dana Scully of the X-Files. There's a very real possibility that my baby really *is* a mutant. My nightmares come to life on a regular basis. In the past two months I've been hurled into a wall by a shape-shifting creature from another world, suffered impromptu surgery without anesthesia to remove a lobster-creature from my body, and had my arm up the ass of a fat dead man who was invaded by a crippled fakir with an affinity for the digestive system. You can bet that when I cut into the distended stomach of one of his other victims and saw the bloody, yet childlike, hand emerge that thoughts of pregnancy and birth weren't far from my mind. It's becoming impossible to ignore the fact that I'm pregnant, that there is another person depending on me now. No doubt the responsibility for that unborn life weighs heavily on all pregnant women. But I have a double burden--because Mulder is counting on me, too. If Mulder had been here, I would have requested desk duty the moment my pregnancy was confirmed. But Mulder's not here. I can't request desk duty without publicizing my pregnancy, and I think that under the current circumstances it's in the baby's best interest to keep its existence quiet for as long as I can. The alternative is to leave the Bureau entirely and go into hiding, but then I would have to turn the search for Mulder over to others. Although I have faith in Skinner and the Gunmen, I'm the one with the most at stake here. I have to find Mulder, and the X-Files are my only link to him right now. I feel the need to preserve my status as a field agent for as long as possible. Already it has opened doors for me, enabling me to be on the spot to investigate leads. I was able, for example, to check out one siting before I began investigating the lobster-cultists. It was a dead end, of course, but the next one might not be. My job provides me with access, and that is something I desperately need. My stomach is finally beginning to expand now, and I can feel the first flutterings of the life inside me. I'll be having to share my secret with Doggett soon. I've been surprised how quickly I've come to trust him. Granted, before the X-Files I really was a pretty trusting person. That side of me seems to have come back to the forefront since my pregnancy. Naturally, I had the Gunmen check Doggett out thoroughly, but my own instincts have told me he's a decent guy. Maybe it's because I'm vulnerable and alone right now, and I need people to trust. And you can't be an effective investigator if you don't trust the guy who's supposed to be watching your back. So it's not a trust issue that makes me dread telling my secret to Agent Doggett. I don't want to tell him because he will doubtless say what Skinner and the Gunmen have been saying for months. I know they all have my and the baby's welfare at heart, but don't they think I've done my share of agonizing over this? After I shot the Bounty Hunter, as I lay on the floor wondering if my injuries were going to cost me my baby, I broke down despite the tough facade I had wanted to maintain before Doggett. In the hospital that night I lay awake wondering what I should do. Up until then, the baby had been an abstract idea to me--pleasant, but not *real*. It was then I realized the fact of its physical existence, and that as a physical entity it could be hurt, killed. That my body was not wholly mine anymore, but a vessel for another life. God had entrusted this baby to me, and I was completely responsible for its well- being. I almost quit that night, and I've come close several times since. But always I remember Mulder. He needs me too. The baby is only potentially in danger; Mulder is very likely being experimented on, tortured. He never stopped looking for me when I was lost, never *would* have stopped looking for me. Surely I owe him the same? And I *need* him. I don't want to go through the rest of this pregnancy and birth all alone, and I don't want Mulder to miss it either. However our baby turns out, I'm going to need his support. If, as I hope, I have a normal child, he or she will need a father. I try to ignore the certain knowledge I carry, that Mulder would want me to stop searching, to consider the baby above all else. Then I can't help but wonder, what if I do find Mulder, but lose the baby in the finding? What will he say to me then? As I said, I'm not your average pregnant woman. There *are* no easy answers for a woman in my situation. So, for now, I work 60 hours a week, but nap religiously at my desk each afternoon. I take my pre-natal vitamins, and I pack heat. I squeeze into my regular clothes, but I wear sensible shoes. I surf the Internet for pregnancy information and UFO sitings. I eat three healthy meals every day and water down my office coffee with decaf. I pray for the health and safety of my baby, and I pray that I find his father soon. THE END Thank you for reading! Feedback craved at PennySyc@aol.com (Leslie).