From: "Mel J" Date: Sat, 24 Apr 1999 18:10:51 PDT Subject: NEW: That Heart Is Mine (1/1) Post Milagro, Response to Challenge TITLE: That Heart is Mine (1/1) AUTHOR: Mel Johnson EMAIL ADDRESS: xfiles25@hotmail.com DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Please archive, but if you have time write me a note saying you are so I can visit. SPOILER WARNING: Many spoilers up to and including Milagro. Post ep for Milagro. RATING: R CONTENT WARNING: MSR- Mulder POV CLASSIFICATION: S, AR.... Mulder Angst SUMMARY: Response to Kelleigh's challenge =) DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions No infringement intended. Author's Notes are at the end of the story. *** He heard the shots. It was the only thing that registered in his mind for a few seconds. He didn't even glance at Padgett, he didn't even think of Padgett. He ran. Thoughts of Scully injured flew through his mind. Scully being shot, Scully being killed, Scully having cancer, Scully having her heart ripped out. It had become as much of his heart as hers. Weak Scully, hurt Scully. Is she already gone, he wondered but shook that thought away, unable to imagine Scully being gone. He reached his door and pushed it open almost violently. Nothing passed through his mind when he first saw her. He was blank. Then without warning an overwhelming sense of grief invaded his senses. Mulder crouched down in front of her. Let her be alright God, he pleaded silently. He looked at her, a lump in his throat. She didn't move at all for a few seconds, and Mulder was sure she must have fainted before he came. The blood... Oh God. Without warning her eyes opened wide with fear and her body started to tremble violently, and Mulder held her shoulders firmly to steady them. Then comprehension dawned in her eyes, and she clutched at him. He wrapped his arms around her holding her, trying to be strong for her. He felt her hands trying to get a solid grip on him, and then the sobs started. Loud, terrified, sobs. He had never heard her cry like that before. Never. He felt tears stain his shirt, tears that hadn't been shed for a long time, he knew. Sobs he thought he'd never hear coming from her mouth. He kept his own tears hidden. He had to be strong for her in her time of need. He had moved so he was leaning against the couch, and Scully was half covering him. In the new position, instead of holding on to his back, her arms were around his neck, practically choking him. He didn't mind though. He didn't want to lift her up, for fear she would close up on him, the second he would make another move. He desperately wanted to put her on the couch, but he couldn't. He couldn't risk her closing up at a time like this. She never cried, never cried like this. Never after a gunshot. Not after Donnie Pfaster. Not when she had her cancer. This was something new to him, a part of Dana Scully he had never witnessed before. He decided he had to get her to speak. Her shirt was splattered with blood, and he needed to know how serious it was. Her sobs had started to subside a little, and now she was only holding him. He could still feel the tears sliding down her cheeks. He attempted his usual dry humor, hoping it would be the trick. "So Scully you're in love. Who's the lucky guy?" he questioned, lightly. He smiled at her in spite of himself. She moved slightly away from him, enough so she could gaze up at him, and one of his hands came around her, holding one shoulder steady. The other went gently to her face, and wiped away the tears that glistened so tauntingly on her cheeks. He had not forgotten about the blood on her shirt, but had found the matter irrelevant at the time. Seeing Scully cry made him lose all of his common sense, Now, he realized his own shirt had a fair amount of her blood, laced with her tears. "I'm going to call an ambulance" Mulder said softly. She had never answered his previous question, and he didn't mind. He was worried about her safety, and whoever she was in love with, for the time being he would forget about it. "Ambulance?" Scully questioned, her first words since the incident. "Yeah" Mulder affirmed. He was waiting for the 'I'm Fine' even though she knew she wasn't fine. He knew it was coming. Padgett might claim to know her. Might have claimed to know more about her than he knew himself. It was probably true, but he still knew enough to know how she'd refuse she was hurt. "Oh" Scully whispered. "I'm okay Mulder, I don't need any medical attention" "Scully..." he started but she interrupted. "No Mulder, I'm a doctor, I'm alright, just a little dizzy that's all" "Your dizzy Scully, because you've lost so much blood" Mulder pointed out. He looked at her bloodstained blouse, and cringed at the sight. "Before you even think of calling an ambulance Mulder, I want you to know that the pain has gone away. I mean not completely, but enough that I can live on tylenol for the next few days." "Fine. Take off your blouse" Mulder said. He knew she wasn't cut, that Padgett had somehow saved her when he no doubtedly threw the story into the incinerator, but he wanted to see how much blood she had lost. Scully's hands were still trembling, and though her eyes denied her fear she had felt minutes ago, her body didn't. He unbuttoned her blouse himself and slid it off. He looked at the blood, wincing a little. "Scully..." "I said I'm fine" she interrupted. "I'm no doctor Scully, but this" he said lifting up her blouse, "this does not look fine to me" She swallowed, and didn't break eye contact. "Mulder, I don't want to spend any more time in the hospital" she said. Mulder felt the lump in his throat grow bigger if that was possible. It was always his fault. His fault for the times she was shot, his fault for her cancer, his fault for her abductions, his fault for everything. He looked at her, pain written in his features. "I'm sorry Scully" "This isn't your fault Mulder" Scully said sighing. "Yes, yes it is. If I didn't leave you alone.." "Mulder, you had to stop Padgett" Scully snapped. "Did I? I don't even know where that bastard is anymore" Mulder said softly. He had lost the man, the son of a bitch. He didn't care that the man had some sense of morals, and saved Scully, he wanted to see that man rot in jail. For the other crimes. For stalking Scully. For writing about her, writing that... "Shouldn't we find him?" Scully asked. "Right now, you need your rest Scully" Mulder said taking a deep breath. "I'll be fine here Mulder, and you'll catch him. I know you will" "It's not a matter of me being able to catch him Scully. I don't feel comfortable leaving you here by yourself, especially after everything that happened. Even if I did, I wouldn't be able to get you off my mind, I wouldn't be able to think straight because I'd be worried about you" "Then what do you suggest we do?" she asked. "I'll call the Gunmen Scully. They can find him." Mulder said. He didn't move though to reach for the phone. He needed her approval, needed her to agree. He waited for an argument but got none, instead got praise. "I think it's a good idea Mulder" He looked at her somewhat surprised but she had closed her eyes. Mulder stood up, then leaned down and picked her up and put her on the couch, before she could argue, and he reached for his phone. He called the gunmen, but didn't tell them what was going on. He only told them he needed to see them right away, at his apartment. He looked at Scully's blouse on the floor, then looked at Scully, who still had blood smeared over her body, but no cut to say where it had come from. He knew, she knew.. Nobody else did though. And if he had to explain to the police where the blood came from, he didn't know how to. "The gunmen are on their way, they should be here in about half an hour." He looked at her dubiously. "Up to a shower?" he asked. She nodded. Then Mulder shook his head. "I'll draw you a bath instead" He hesitated in leaving her in the room alone, then headed for the kitchen. He handed her a glass of water, then went to the bathroom to draw her bath. Sure enough a few minutes later she came, and watched him. She didn't chasitise him for his work, and didn't tell him to stop. He knew she was there, even though she didn't say anything. When he was satisfied the water was warm enough he let his gaze stop at her. He stared at her eyes which were red from crying, her cheeks which were flushed from crying, her hair which was tousled because he had been stroking it when he had held her. "If you need anything call ok?" "Ok" she said softly. He looked at her for another moment, his gaze lingering on her then he turned away. He walked out silently, unable to look at her a moment longer, because he knew he would break down himself if he did. He went into the kitchen and took out a bag of sunflower seeds. He chewed on one thoughtfully, before taking out a recipe book, and began to look for any recipe for chocolate chip cookies. It occured to him that he could probably leave now and deal with Padgett, but he wouldn't dare leave Scully alone. What if she called him from the bathroom for anything, and she found he wasn't there. He only knew how that would make him feel. Thinking for a moment, he went to his bedroom, to find something for her to wear. He managed to dig up a sweater that would come a little above her knees, before finding one of her suits, she had probably forgotten at his apartment during one of their cases. He picked it up and took the sweater with him, and opened the bathroom door. The shower curtain was closed, and he put the clothes next to the sink, before leaving. He went to his room, and found a thicker afghan, and more blankets, and set his bed up for her. He proceeded in cleaning his messy room, until it looked somewhat dignified. He headed back to the kitchen and went to work on starting the cookies. The dough was done, and he looked up to see Scully watching him. It surprised him, he didn't, he usually knew when Scully entered. Inside, he felt a small sense of pride that she had worn the sweater he had left for her, over her suit. She looked a lot better, but tired nonetheless. She had an amused look on her face. "You're cooking" she said lifting her head towards the cookie dough. "Yeah" he said. His hand went to break the cookie dough into smaller pieces, and her's covered his. "Let me do it" "You need your rest Scully" "I want to do it" Mulder looked at her. The determined look was blazing in her face. That determined look that he couldn't refuse, not now not ever. He nodded and backed away a little, taking a seat and watched her make the dough into small balls, perfect small sized ones. He heard a knock on the door. "Probably the Gunmen" Mulder muttered and headed towards the door. He opened it. It wasn't the Gunmen it was the police. Mulder didn't know what to say, so he explained that he was an FBI Agent and that someone had attacked his partner, and he didn't want to leave his partner to pursue the suspect, due to medical reasons. THe officer nodded, and almost seemed sympathetic. He said something about going to go look for the man, but Mulder knew he would never find the man who had really attacked Scully. The man that was already dead. Mulder headed back to the kitchen, Scully had probably heard the conversation anyways. She had. Her eyes said she had. She was sitting on a chair in the kitchen. "Are you hungry?" Mulder asked. "No" Scully said. "Come let's go over there" Mulder said motioning towards the main room in his apartment. There was a blood stain on his carpet, but they managed to ignore it. Scully had hesitated before coming, and Mulder knew it was because that was where it all happened. And a sudden thought hit him. Scully would be afraid of coming to his apartment now. Or at least not comfortable. "Where the hell are they" Mulder asked himself, referring to the Gunmen. He took his place down on the couch, at the far corner, and was surprised when she scooted next to him, her head resting against his shoulder. He let his arm go around her protectively, while the other held her hand. It was almost like that time in the Arcadian Falls when they went to see Mr. Gogolak. Rob and Laura, not a worry in their life. Scully must've been thinking about the same thing. "Rob and Laura Petrie" she murmured under her breath. Then she said something that made him smile. "Scully and Mulder." "The couples are worlds apart" she murmured. Mulder smiled painfully at her. "I'm tired Mulder" she said suddenly. "Go to sleep then, I'm right here" he said reassuringly. "I won't be able to" He knew the feeling, he could relate to it. At that moment he realized if he himself tried to sleep he wouldn't be able to. "Lie down at least" Mulder said. He stood, dug up a blanket and a pillow from his closet, and walked back to find her lying down. He covered her, and lifted her head gently, and placed the pillows under her. He headed towards the kitchen when he heard her voice. "Where are you going?" "I'm checking on the cookies Scully" he said, and he saw her struggling to get up. Just as she succeeded there was a knock on the door, and her eyes widened. Mulder couldn't help but notice how she retreated away from the door, then headed towards his bedroom. He opened the door, and found the Lone Gunmen standing there, looking as usual, eccentric. He led them inside. "What's going on?" Byers asked. "You're too late now. The local PD has a handle on things" "We figured as much when we saw the police car outside" Langly said, "The coroner's too" "Did you see who they were taking?" Mulder queried. "Yeah, actually they had a man in a body bag, but we managed to see his face. Brown hair, a beard, late 20's early 30's, not anymore but, you get the idea" "Padgett" Mulder said to himself. "Was his heart removed?" "That's what the officers were talking about right guys?" Frohiky said sounding confused. They nodded. "It smells like someone is making cookies" Langly said. "I am" Mulder ignored there shocked faces. "It's for Scully" He saw them exchange looks amongst themselves, looks of concern, and looks of surprise. "Scully means more to me than Diana, don't act surprised, you know it as well as I do." Mulder snapped angrily. He wasn't surprised at their reaction, he remembered the last encounter with them, his fight with Scully. "Is she alright?" Byers asked. "No" Mulder said simply. They waited for him to continue, but he didn't. He didn't have to. Scully had walked in and was standing at the end of the hall watching them. They greeted her, and she greeted them, but she still looked somewhat tense. They didn't know if it was because of Mulder or something that had happened. They looked at the blood stain on the floor, and that answered there question. The man who Mulder wanted them to find had tried to kill or hurt Scully. She had walked to Mulder's side. Mulder looked at her, his eyes telling her to go to sleep, but her eyes telling him no. In rebellion he put his arm around her and led her to the kitchen. He pulled out the cookies which were near burning. "Scully go to sleep" "No, Mulder I can't" "Does it hurt?" "A little" Mulder started to rummage through the cabinet near his fridge, and he found a bottle of Tylenol. He handed it to her. She took it gratefully and Mulder brought the cookies out to the room. The gunmen ate from it heartily, but continued to give Scully concerned looks. She had sat down on one of Mulder's chairs across from them, and though there was room on the couch, Mulder sat at the side of her on the floor, resting his head in her arms. She was cradling his head and the Gunmen were surprised, deciding they should leave the two of them alone. "Hey. I think it's time to go" Frohiky said looking at them curiously. They left and Frohiky had been humming to the song, 'To Love You More' by Celine Dion. Mulder looked up at Scully. "It's been a long day, go to sleep in my room" She simply nodded, and stood up. "Good Night Mulder" she said as she trudged into the bedroom. He wondered what she thought of his waterbed. He cleaned up his apartment, a thing he rarely did, only doing it now for Scully's sake, and took a shower. He changed into jogging pants and a black t-shirt, and went to the bed-room. He sat next to Scully, and let his hand rest on her forehead. "You're burning up" he murmured. He felt a nagging feeling that he should've ignored her and taken her to the hospital. "I'm fine" Her response was so damned soft, he wasn't even sure he even heard it, or if it was a figment of his imagination. Without a word, he picked her up, keeping an Afghan around her and he grabbed his trench coat. She had closed her eyes, and Mulder hastily locked the door, and headed for his car. She wasn't arguing, which made it more urgent then before. He placed Scully in the back seat, and started the long drive to the hospital. ***/\*** Mulder drove home silently, lost in his thoughts. Scully was in the passenger seat, and was silent. It wasn't unusual for her to be quiet, he only wished she wasn't. She had been in the hospital for that night and the next day. It was the next night, and he was taking her home, to his apartment. She had needed a blood transfusion, and the doctor's were confused as to how she had lost so much blood. They had made up a story. Mulder had found her, and she didn't remember anything. Easy enough. The doctors had wanted to keep her under observation. Mulder had agreed. She hadn't said much as he picked her up. He didn't question it, but he wanted her to talk. About anything. Just to see that she was okay for his own sake. He put on the radio trying to keep thoughts of Scully crying in his arms out of his mind. Sure it was healthy for her to cry, especially after everything she'd been through, but as much as it hurt her, it hurt him too. Even if she didn't want it to be his pain too it was. There was nothing she could do about it. Nothing he could do about it. He stopped at a red light, and glanced at her again. She had a faraway expression on her face. "Scully?" he asked. "Yeah?" she asked, now looking at him. "What're you thinking about?" Mulder asked. He didn't think she would tell him the truth, he just needed to hear her voice. "I was thinking about something that happened when you were looking for the Queen Anne" "What exactly happened?" he asked, putting his foot on the pedal, as the light turned green. "I was worried about you Mulder. The Gunmen came and told me you were missing, searching for a ghost ship, and I didn't know what to do. I went to everyone for help, and nobody helped me. Skinner helped me and I, I kissed him Mulder. But only out of gratitude" "Turned on by bald men?" Mulder asked dryly, amused that she had kissed her boss, their boss, and hadn't mentioned it until now. But then there was the fact that Diana had kissed him, which he hadn't told her about. Scully ignored his comment and continued. "When you said you loved me, and I said 'Oh Brother', the innuendos that you said to me flooded my mind when I left. You saying, 'Should we be picking out china patterns here, Marry me' things like that." They both remained quiet for awhile. Mulder didn't know what Scully was telling him, by saying all this. He didn't know if she wanted him to reply. "I realized something then Mulder, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. When you dragged me on the case with the rain king, I told Sheila about something about seeing someone as a friend one day, and as something more the next, like a switch has been flicked." "Scully?" Mulder asked, hoping to God he wasn't reading too much into her words. She still had more to say, and he waited. "I remember the hallway scene Mulder, I remember your lips brushing mine, so close, but so far. I think deep down inside we knew that it wasn't going to happen. It seemed to good to be true. After that and the events following I was sure you loved me Mulder. I mean positive, and I loved you too. Until Diana." He felt his stomach lurch. He felt a knife twisting in his ribs. He felt his heart start to beat faster. I had it all, he thought, I had her love, a thing I never thought I would have, and I ruined it all by Diana. She looked as if she were going to continue, and he waited. "I love you Mulder" she said simply. "I still do. Nothing could change that" He felt her hand on his shoulder, felt her squeeze it. "All the old women you've flirted with came back to me Mulder. Phoebe, who hurt you, Kristen while I was gone, Dr. Bambi, Detective White, Marita, Melissa Esphelian. It flooded my mind Mulder, after Diana, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I did wrong. I didn't even know if I did anything wrong, or if I had been reading too much, reading that you love me when you didn't." Mulder didn't know how she knew about Kristen. He didn't mention it, he was struck by her last words, that he didn't love her. "Scully, I'm not totally guilty of all those things. I admit, I was wrong in trusting Diana, wrong in making out with the other women, but what about Rob? Brother Andrew, Jack Willis, Ed Jerse, Detective Kresge? What about Philip Padgett?" "Mulder I didn't even know you well when I went out with Rob. Nothing occured with Brother Andrew, Jack Willis was in the past. Ed Jerse, Mulder, I thought he was you. Detective Kresge? I don't even know why you think I liked him. I admit, I was attracted to Padgett Mulder but only because he was interested in me. I was afraid of him too, Mulder, but with you it's something different. Diana, Bambi, Detective White, they weren't attracted to you, you were attracted to them." "I'm sorry" he said. He didn't say anything for the rest of the way home, neither did she. *** They walked into his apartment in silence. Mulder hung his jacket, and hung hers too. He had brought some of her clothes from her apartment, over to his when she had been in the hospital. Scully had gone into his bedroom and had shut the door. Mulder took his place on the couch, and lay down tentatively. The tears didn't come unexpectedly, he had been on the verge since the conversation, and he let them fall. He had closed his eyes, and let the tears slip down his eyes, over his cheeks. He thought about Scully's first abduction, of finding her in the hospital. He thought about the case with Pfaster, how she had almost died. He thought about the time she discovered she had cancer, the times she was in the hospital, the time he found out her cancer had metastasized. The time she was abducted again, the time she laid in the hospital shot by her partner on that case in New York. The tears fell deeply, he didn't know Scully had even approached until he felt her arms around him. He laid his head just above her breasts, and felt her soothe him. Heard her start to sing some song, and though he didn't like music, or bands, he liked the way it sounded coming from her lips. "For my love is all I have to give, without you I don't think I can live, I wish I could give the world..." He didn't smile. He let his arms go around her waist tightly holding her to him. "I'm sorry Scully, so sorry, I'm so sorry.." and he continued whispering the words, while she continued to say it was okay. He didn't know when his words changed into I love you Scully, but they did and he repeated it several times, until he looked up at her. She was looking intently at him, and he saw her eyes flicking from his eyes to his lips. He nodded slowly, and she moved forward and kissed him. "I need you too Mulder. As much as you need me, maybe even more" He took her to his bedroom and hesitated before starting what he wanted to on his waterbed. "Are you okay with this? I mean are you up to it?" She had nodded, but Mulder had tried to be gentle. Hell he tried, but soon enough it became rougher and rougher. He lay awake, his arms holding her waist to him, spooning her, his lips in her hair. "This heart wasn't his to take, this heart is mine. My true heart" he whispered, before falling asleep. [The End] Author's Notes: What do you guys think? I sort of rushed through the end, I haven't been doing my homework lately, and I've got to do a french oral tommorow, finish everything I have to work on, and I think after I post the sequel to Sister's Advice, I'm going to stop writing for awhile... Or maybe not hehe