From AmieDeNuit@aol.com Mon May 26 04:17:11 1997 Subject: That Which Remains (1/1) From: AmieDeNuit@aol.com -------- Title: That Which Remains (1/1) Author: E.J. "NuitCoeur" Pound E-mail: AmieDeNuit@aol.com, NuitCoeur@aol.com Distribution Statement: Distribute freely, as long as my name stays attached Spoiler Warning: One Breath, Anasazi, Pusher, Momento Mori, Demons Rating: PG Content Warning: A post-Demons story. Mild cursing. No romance. Classification: VA Summary: Mulder reflects on his past, present, and future as affected by the events of Demons. Keywords: Demons, Mulderangst Poetic Disclaimer: Chris Carter & Fox and Co./ own X-Files, that incredible show/But I ain't makin' no dough/With this story, you know/ Infringement? Not so!/So no reason to go/To trial (that'd be very slow)/Now, on with the show... Author's Note: I've just moved recently, and am a bit behind in my reading. I'm sure many people drew conclusions similar to mine from "Demons"; however, since I haven’t yet seen anything too similar, and since most people seem to be concentrating on "Gethsemane," I've decided to post anyway. If anyone has a similar story, I'm sorry - but this tale is my own work. (I cannot abide plagiarism.) That Which Remains by EJ "NuitCoeur" Pound I can't believe I never saw it before. It all makes sense now- why it was Samantha who was taken when it had first been me who was to go, why I was the original choice in the first place. That black-lunged bastard, that cigarette-smoking SOB is my _father_. Mom- I'm pretty sure she really is my mother- never even denied it. She wouldn't answer, but she didn't say I was wrong. She only said that she was my mother. But I'm beginning to doubt that Bill Mulder was my father. I mean, it would explain why he treated me like it was my fault. Because it was, just not in the way I'd thought. I'd always hated myself for being unable to stop Them- whoever or whatever They *are*- but to the man I believed to be my father, it was my fault be cause I was the child of that Morely maniac. If it's true, then that monster had been _protecting_ me in a way. And destroying my life in every other. After all, what good is a living body when the soul is scarred and the heart is dying? And why Mom never spoke up, why she ignored me - I was her sin. A living reminder of -- what? Infidelity? Or did she marry Bill Mulder while she carried someone else's child? They never celebrated their anniversary; perhaps the date I'd thought it to be is false. I can't be sure of anything anymore. Because I may have been threatened with dismissal - hell, probably should have been dismissed several times - but I never have been. And, somehow, I've always managed to survive things I shouldn't have. Survive them...or have them pass me by. Oh, God. Is _that_ why Scully was taken? Because of... No. Oh, sweet Jesus, no. He all but said it. I'd asked him why. And he'd said, "I like you Mulder. I like her, too; that's why she was returned to you." To me. He kept me from being taken, then returned her _to me_ because I was dying without her. So she was returned, dying , to me. Dying. Still. It should be me with that cancer. Instead I'm killing her. Slowly. And came much too close to killing her quickly. God, the nightmares had been bad after the Modell case, and then I’d pulled a gun on her because I was being 'pushed.' The nightmares now are worse, much worse, because it was my own twisted mind, my *own decision* to pull my gun on her. She insists it wasn't my fault, that I'd been under the control of the drugs. But had I pulled my gun on her when the water supply at my apartment had been drugged? No, I'd pulled it on that rat, Krycek, someone who _deserved_ it. I should have kept the damn gun at my head. Better dead than having her aching, pleading look etched forever into eidetic memory. Better dead than living through nights filled with visions of killing the one person who's stood by me, trusted me, was honest with me. And how do I repay that gift? By running off again, without even mentioning it to her. By getting her into my mess, expecting her to save me as she has so often. Then, in a macabre version of our usual "believer" and "skeptic" roles, I was once again willing to believe - this time, in my own guilt - while she was my most adamant advocate. She even asked for me to help her, but I let her go through hell alone- again - to save _my_ sorry ass. Which she did, like always. And, with a disgusting play of deja vu, I ran off again, getting a fucking hole drilled in my head and becoming crazed just to find =some= iota of truth, then nearly shooting her. What a great guy. What a fucking great friend I am. And after it was all over, what was I left with? Nothing but doubts and the memory of her hurt look. Only suspicions that I may not be Fox *Mulder*, and some broken visions of a might-be memory. A memory that may be the reason my sister was taken. The reason my partner is dying. The reason that, all too likely, I'll have exactly what Cancerman has, exactly what I'm always left with, in the end - Nothing. ~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~ Thanks for reading. If you feel compelled to comment, compliment, or complain, send mail to AmieDeNuit@aol.com. ~EJ www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/5138 *X-Centric X-Phile*'Shipper*Fanfic-holic #17*Fanfiction Junkie* *Member, eXtreme Possiblities*Implant Patrol #20*D.T.R. Founder* The D.T.R. (Death to Ratboy) page: www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/2441 The D.T.R Motto- To Eviscerate, Asphyxiate, and Eliminate Ratboy! Want to be a Ratboy- Hating member of the DTR? Mail me to find out how!