Hi everybody!!!!!!!!!!! This is my first fanfic piece...unless you count my Christmas poem. This is based on the THERAPY stories by Amperage. If she should ever read this I just want to say that they are my favorite and I read them at LEAST three times a week. Um, there are a few problems. This takes place after Scully is abduted but before Melissa is shot by that rat-bastard Krycek. In the actual THERAPY stories it says Mulder has a Ph.D in psychology. I say that in mine but it is not true. He has something like a B.A.in psychology. Alright. Just picture me right now in some spooky outfit doing a song and dance that goes something like this: Mulder and Scully do not belong to me. Yes I dream about them, but they are NOT mine! Thank you Chris, though you probably don't read fanfic anyway! Please don't sue me...I am just a teenager. Mulder, Scully, Skinner, and Frank Black (although he isn't the one on Millennnium...I just needed a character name) are the property of Chris Cater, 1013 Products, and the FOX network. No infringement is intended. Emmaline Davis belongs to Amperage. Also, Falling Into You and That's What It Takes are not mine. I don't know whose they are..but they aren't mine. Well, I guess that's all for the disclaimer ditty. Enjoy the story!!! Therapy - Before the Fact AD Skinner's Office Washington DC 9:56am "Agent Mulder. Agent Scully. My apologies for calling you two in on a Sunday." Assistant Director Skinner looked at his two most difficult agents. Scully herself was more than adequate at maintaining a sense of decorum. But, after being with Agent Mulder, he was almost sure what they said was true. People's personalities really DO rub off on others. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep both of them in line now. This really defeated the purpose that Agent Scully had been assigned to Mulder in the first place. However, their success rate was well above the FBI's average so he just made sure they didn't kill themselves and had basically given up on trying to get them to stay with conformity. "I am sure it must be very important, sir." "Indeed. It seems that junior senator J. Howell's granddaughter has been reported as missing." "Um, sir, this really sounds more like a problem for the local law enforcement." "Agent Mulder....if you would be so kind as to let me finish....? The child's mother, who is currently under psychiatric care, is claiming alien abduction. Which, Agent Mulder, IS right up your alley." he said sourly. "Here is the case file. Your flight for Missouri leaves this afternoon. Dismissed." As he settled back into his chair he couldn't help but notice the speed with which Agent Mulder scrambled onto his feet and out the door. He opened his desk and, to his dismay, found that he was out of aspirin. He hit the intercom. "Connie. Do you have any aspirin?" he barked. "I am sorry, sir. I just gave my last one to Agent Mulder." Shit. This was going to be a VERY long day. Flight 1121 3:15pm "Subject's name is Anna-Lisa Howell Norgrove. Age 4. She was last seen with her mother in their home town outside of St. Louis called Monument. She - Mulder! Stop spitting sunflower seed shells on me!" "Sorry Scully." "Have you even been listening to anything I've said?" He responded by giving her a blank stare mixed with his infamous puppy-dog look. She sighed. She had been going over to her mother's when Skinner had called her. She had really been looking forward to the visit. It wasn't often that she went to visit her mother. She knew Mulder couldn't be doing anything particularly important to be called away from. He didn't have that much of a life. In a way she felt sorry for him. She quickly dismissed that. Things were exactly as he wanted them. His work was his life. That was easiest for him. No messy relationships. Except her. For some reason he made her the single exception in his life. She didn't feel pressed to wonder why. She simply accepted it. "Please make sure your tray tables and seats are in their upright and locked position. Please fasten your seatbelts. We shall be landing within the next 15 minutes." Scully put up her tray table. She then looked over at Mulder. His tray table was littered with sunflower seed shells. She watched as he carefully scooped them in his hand. Then he looked at her. "Scully. You wouldn't by chance have something I could put these in, would you?" She let out an exasperated sigh. The second of many, she knew. Whenever they had to fly somewhere she was always like his mom. "Put them in the this." She grabbed the sickness bag from its compartment and shoved it at him. He gave her one of his brilliant smiles. It was also the smile he gave when he hadn't slept in days. Delusional. This was going to be a VERY long day. Carter Psychiatric Facility St. Louis, Missouri 6:45pm "Mrs. Norgrove? I am Agent Mulder. This is Dana Scully. We're with the FBI. Could we have a word with you?" Mulder and Scully couldn't help but notice that she was in a strait-jacket. With good reason they suspected. "ANA! Have you found Ana!?!?!?" "No ma'am. I am sorry. We haven't. Do you think you could tell us what you remember about the night she was taken?" "THEY took her!!!! WHY?!?!? Why couldn't they just bring back Elvis? Why?" Her voice began to change. "I really loved Elvis you know. Actually, he himself took her...." Her voice trailed. She just stared ahead. It was a futile lead, they knew. But they couldn't leave anything unexplored. They went outside the room. "What do you think, Mulder?" "Well, you heard the lady, Scully. We need to get out an APB out on a male, white, deceased, wearing a very tacky white outfit, and a bad hair-do." She stared at him. Now she was almost certain that he hadn't slept in days. How else could he be so...obnoxious when a young girl's life was at stake? She turned very quickly on her heel and left. She heard him trailing after her. "Scully....!" Best Rest Motel Monument, Missouri 12:25am Dana Katherine Scully was awakened from peaceful slumber by a sharp cry in the adjoining room. It had happened before. Mulder had bad dreams. She would always stand by the door and listen. But she never entered his room. She didn't dare unless his health, physical or otherwise, was at stake. This night would be no different. She climbed reluctantly out of bed and stumbled aimlessly to the door. She dragged the blanket along, curled herself up in it, and listened. "Dad. Please. I don't remember. Yes. I know it's my fault." A scream. Then a muffled sob. "Yes sir. No...I'll get the belt." Scully sat stunned. She knew Mulder had been abused as a child. He'd opened himself up enough that she could figure it out. But must of the dreams she listened on in were about Samantha actually disappearing. This was new to her and she didn't exactly know what to do. Then, something occurred to her. His voice was different. It was more lucid than the other times she listened in on him. Was it possible that he was not asleep at all...but rather reliving something? Of course, she knew it was possible. But was it likely? These thoughts were interrupted by a thud on the other side of the door. She decided that it would be prudent to check in on him. She opened the door a crack and looked in. Mulder's eyes were opened but glazed over. In his hand, raised above him, was his belt. Scully opened the door wider. "Yes sir. I know. You're right." In an instant of pure terror for Scully, she watched as her partner and friend brought the belt down on himself...slamming into his flesh. She was to him in an second. Her 110 pound frame hurled into his much larger build. Scully wretched the belt from his hand and flung it across the room. She grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him violently. "Mulder!" His eyes widened and met hers. For a second it seemed as though everything he felt, his entire existence, was a part of her. It was not pleasant. He then collapsed in her arms, unconscious. She held him and ran her fingers through his hair. She sobbed. For him. For herself. She swore to herself that she would tell no one of this. Ever. If he awoke and did not remember...so much the better. She would never think of this event again...and Dana Katherine Scully NEVER went against her word. Route 13 Monument, Missouri 7:55am Scully eyed her partner warily. She was still in a bit of shock about what had happened. But, she refused to let it interfere with her work. All she had to do was keep and eye on him. After she had finished crying, she dragged him back into bed and reluctantly retreated to her own room. She did not go back to sleep. As for Mulder, he remembered nothing of his actions and appeared to have gotten a decent night's sleep. `What is wrong with Scully?' Mulder wondered to himself. `She is watching me as though I am some sort of time bomb just waiting to go off. Maybe it's because I am the most at ease I've been in weeks. Man, I really got a good night's sleep. She looks as though she hasn't slept in days. I wish she'd open up more about the affect her abduction had on her. I think one maniac in the X-Files is all Skinner can handle.' "Scully...is something wrong? You look like something death warmed over." he jested, futilely trying to put her in a good mood. `Time for those three favorite words, Dana.' she thought almost slyly to herself. Then she forced her mind to remember why she was saying them. "I'm fine, Mulder." she answered almost testily. `Ahhhh! Not the words! God, if I had a dollar for every time she's used that phrase and been lying the whole time I could quit the Bureau and start my own paranormal investigating service. Hey, now THAT'S the best idea I've had all year!' "If you say so, Scully. I just don't want you to feel you have to hide anything from me." Now why did that sound familiar? Hmm.... Missouri State Police Department Jefferson City 10:13am "Agents Mulder and Scully? I'm Detective Frank Black. We found something that may be of interest to you." He handed them a manila folder. In it were legal papers. Apparently, Mrs. Norgrove had been suing her husband for divorce. Something then caught Mulder's eye. Mr. Norgrove's middle name. It was Elvis. "Scully look." "What Mulder?" "Norgrove's middle name. It's Elvis." "So? His mom was probably an obsessed fan and wanted him to have the same name." "Uh huh. And I thought my parents were cruel. No Scully, that's not what I mean. I was talking about what Mrs. Norgrove said last night." "Mulder you can't possibly be suggesting....no never mind. I know EXACTLY what you're thinking. No Mulder. She is on heavy drugs and she was under a lot of stress...." "You think?" Mulder asked as though he were some deranged teenager. "Mulder...." "I think it's worth a look, Scully." "Fine. Whatever makes you happy." Norgrove Residence Monument, Missouri 2:29pm Mulder approached the door of the town house and knocked. "Mr. Norgrove?" he called out. The door creaked open. He motioned Scully to follow him inside. "Mr. Norgrove?" he called again. The house had apparently been abandoned. It was well furnished and in the living room there was a brick fireplace. It was an old house. Probably built in the late 1800's. In the kitchen the agents found modern day appliances and something else. A very disturbing note. They who go against me Go against God They shall suffer his wrath At my hand Bury - if they do not submit to His hand Violate Violate Violate Then they shall know Never to go against HIM "What does it mean, Mulder?" inquired Scully who was quite distraught by this note. "I can't say for certain...but I do have an idea. Call the police, Scully." With that he gave no further explanation but dashed outside...something clearly having caught his eye. He ran out the door and into the wooded area by the house. Scully was running behind him with cellphone in hand. "This is Agent Dana Scully with the FBI. ID Number 2317-616. I require backup and an EMS team at this address...." Mulder ran until he reached the cairn. The stones had been moved. In the middle of the rubble there was a small necklace. On it was a name. Anna Lisa. "Scully! It's her! She was here. My God, it looks like she shoved her way out." Then the note rang in his mind. Bury...and if they do not submit to His hand....violate. "Oh God." Mulder breathed "What is it?" Scully asked, out of breath. "We have to find her!" In a flash he was up sprinting. Going nowhere...but going there none-the-less. Scully followed...as always. "Mulder....!" He ran into the house and frantically looked about. As if somehow she would just pop out at him. He could hear the sounds of the approaching sirens. `Oh God, please let me find her....please...' A thought hit him. This was a very old house. It probably had a root cellar. He pulled back a rug on the floor and then sure enough there was a door. Scully was with him now and they both pulled up on the handle. Instinctively, Mulder whipped out his gun and put it down in the hole. "FBI!" They both descended down into this oubliette and looked about. Mulder reached for his mini-flashlight and shone it around. There. In the corner of the cellar was a small girl. Naked and bloody. They both rushed over to her and there were feet pounding above. "Agent Mulder?! Agent Scully?!" Detective Black called into the dark abyss. "Get the EMS people down here!" Scully shouted back. Mulder said nothing. He just stared at the body. Numb. He heard people moving about, but all he saw was that little girl's body. She had obviously been raped. `Violated.' The thought sickened him and he started to retch. Before that could happen, Scully moved him upstairs. He just sat in front of the fireplace and stared...his eyes glazed over. Later, hours later by his estimate, most of the people were gone. Scully was telling Detective Black what had happened and there were a few deputies remaining. Scully came over to him. "Mulder." she said gently. She put her hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off. "I know Mulder. I know you wanted to find her." "How long had she been dead?" Mulder inquired unwaveringly. "Five...maybe six hours. But Mulder this isn't your fault. We may never had found her if you hadn't insisted we come here." "I should have found her! Should have known sooner!" He rose to his feet. "But no! I wasn't good enough! I wasn't smart enough! Dammit!" And with this his fist struck out and hit the fireplace. "Mulder! Mulder STOP!" But, of course, she couldn't stop him. "Dammit! Fuck me! Fuck!" And with each curse his hand slammed into the fireplace. Scully heard a sickening crunching sound. She shoved him away from the wall and slapped him. Hard. Harder than she would have thought possible for the man that was her best friend. This didn't stop or even daze him. He just kept going at the fireplace. Punch after punch. Scully glanced at the deputies, who, until now, had just been scared to approach this crazed man. They took her signal and two of them grabbed Mulder and pinned him to the ground. He fought them. The pain of a twelve year old child who had lost his sister fought them with every ounce of strength he could muster. "Cuff him." ordered Scully. If she had reflected on her words and actions she would have realized that she felt and sounded exactly like AD Skinner. But, right now her only concern was Mulder. The deputies cuffed Mulder's hands behind his back. He continued to fight. They got off of Mulder. Scully, enraged, pulled him up from the floor herself and pinned him to the wall. Mulder glared at her...if one could really call him Mulder anymore. She kept him pinned there with her hands on his shoulders, though her own glare was enough to keep anyone in their place. "Mulder! Stop it NOW!" She glanced at his hand. It was bloodied and most likely broken at parts. She looked at Detective Black. "I need to take him to the hospital." she growled. The two deputies `escorted' Mulder to the car. Scully sat in the back with him but refused to take off the handcuffs. "Scully! Get these cuffs OFF ME!" "No." He started moving violently in his seat. She shoved him down. `God, please get us to the hospital so they can sedate him.' Mulder was screaming at her. Accusing her of being a spy. `At least he's coherent.' she thought grimly. Mercy Hospital St. Louis, Missouri 11:21pm The trip to the hospital had taken forever. Despite Scully's assurance that she was a medical doctor, no one would let her near Mulder. She snuck his chart away from and unsuspecting nurse. Broken finger. Severe laceration. Sedative used. `Thank god for that.' Just then her cellphone rang. "Scully." "Agent Scully. AD Skinner. I just received a report that Agent Mulder is in the hospital due to self-inflicted injuries!?" "Yes sir." "Would you care to explain WHY Agent Scully? And why YOU couldn't keep him under control?!" "Sir, I can't fight the pain of a twelve year old boy." "I see. Well, for your information Agent Mulder must now go through MANDATED therapy." He sighed, realizing that this must be very hard for Scully. "When do you expect he will be released?" "I believe that with my medical credentials and the fact that I am listed as Mulder's next-of-kin, I can get him released into my custody by tomorrow." "When you do bring him directly back to Washington and in my office!" he barked. Then he hung up. Scully sat sullenly in the waiting room until a man in a white coat approached her. "Agent Scully?" he inquired. "Yes?" "I am Dr. Anderson. Your partner is fine but still under sedative. We had to stitch up his hand and his pinkie finger is broken." "When can he leave?" "Well, naturally he will be fine, but we'd like to put him in the psyche ward until a psychiatrist or doctor from Washington can come to take him back." "I am a medical doctor." "Really? I don't know..." "Listen! I am listed as Agent Mulder's next-of-kin! Unless you can produce physical medical evidence that he NEEDS to remain in the hospital, I AM going to take him to Washington TONIGHT. Don't argue with me...I pack a gun...a very LARGE gun. And, I am NOT in the best of moods!" "Um...yes ma'am. I'll have him brought to you immediately." he gulped. Then, he turned and fled. `HA! Gotcha!' Dana Scully was not really one to resort to such drastic measures. But, this was Mulder dammit! Her best friend. She would do anything for him and he for her. No one was going to stop her from helping him now. No one. AD Skinner's Office Washington DC 10:13am "Agent Scully. Is Agent Mulder with you?" AD Skinner inquired. He studied his agent. Though, usually calm and detached, she was visibly worried. He couldn't remember a time when he had seen her so off balance. "Yes sir. He is outside. But, I would like to speak to you alone if I may?" "Go ahead....off the record." "Thank you, sir. Agent Mulder is more collected today, sir. I made a point of driving him here myself. On way back to Washington from St. Louis he slept the whole way...he was still under heavy sedation. He is pushing this away from himself, sir. On the way here, he wouldn't stop, well frankly, sir, bitching about the mandated therapy." "He must be better. That sounds like the Mulder I know. But, of course, he must realize that there is no way in hell that he is going to get out of it. Even if I have to drag him there myself." Scully almost laughed at this. For some reason she could not envision Skinner dragging Mulder anywhere against his will. "It's going to be hard for him." "I know that Agent Scully. That's why I am giving him, and you for that matter, the rest of the week off." "Thank you, sir. I know that will probably help both of us." "Of course, Agent Scully. Now, why don't you show Mulder in...I'd like to talk to him alone for awhile." "Yes sir. And sir? Thank you." Skinner simply nodded at this. Scully went to the door. "Mulder? You're up to bat." Mulder got up from his seat and went into the AD's office. He took his customary seat and waited patiently...knowing what was to come. "Agent Mulder...I want you to understand this conversation is completely off the record. As was my conversation with Agent Scully." "I understand." he said curtly. `Damn him. He probably thinks I'm weak...ready to fall off the edge any second. God, he's looking at me as though I were some science experiment gone wrong.' "How are you?" "Fine." "Agent Mulder! You have stitches and broken finger. Injuries which you inflicted on yourself! And you expect me to believe that you're `fine'?!" "Yes, sir. I do." Skinner considered the man sitting before him. He had lost almost everything in his life. And, because of this, he was the most brilliant agent the FBI ever had. But he was a loose cannon. Kindness would not be of any service to anyone. "Very well then, Agent Mulder. You are to choose the therapist that you will see. I want you to know that I will NOT let you get out of this! You have the rest of the week off. So does Scully. Dismissed." Mulder quickly rose from his seat and scampered out the door. Scully greeted him but he did not respond. He walked past her and headed toward the elevator. She ran to catch up. In the elevator she glared at him but he said nothing. They left the building but since Mulder did not have his car he just looked helplessly at Scully. "If you want a ride you have to talk to me." "Oh sure, you want to talk about basketball?" he asked earnestly. "I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED!" she screamed. "Mulder, you scared me. I am not letting you off the hook." "Fine. I'll walk." "Mulder! Get in this car now!" They rode to Mulder's apartment in silence. He got out of the car and Scully ran after him. When they finally approached apartment 42 they were both heaving, furious at the other. Mulder stomped over to his futon and plunked down. Scully stood across from him. They had an incredible staring contest until Scully spoke. "Talk to me." she growled. "Well, gee, Scully. When you put it like that how could I POSSIBLY refuse?!" "Please Mulder." she said, her voice now tender. "Please tell me what was running through your mind last night." "I'm fine now, Scully." "Bullshit Mulder! Don't give that crap! You're not fine. I've never seen you `fine!'" The second she said it, she regretted it. "Get out." he said fiercely. "Get out now, Scully." "Why Mulder?! So you can go and beat yourself up over this?! What?! Maybe you want to play a little game of Russian Roulette?! Maybe I could buy you a whip to help you out there!" With that, Mulder was on his feet in a flash. He shoved her and she went flying into the wall. With another shove she was out the door and Mulder slammed it. `Oh my God. What have I done? Mulder you idiot! You just hurt Scully...hurt Scully...hurt Scully...oh God...no....' Mulder sank back against the wall. His hand throbbed. A reminder of his act. Tears rolled down his face and he sobbed. Fox William Mulder wept unrelentlessly. He had let THEM take his sister. Now he was going to lose Scully, too. The one person who he didn't use as a pawn in his life game. It was his fault - as always. FBI Building Washington DC 11:21am A week had passed. Mulder had searched through the choices of therapists he had been given. The only one he felt had enough experience with Posttruamatic Stress Disorder was one Emmaline Davis. She still did some counseling for the FBI. He was scheduled to have and interview with her later this afternoon. `This should be fun.' he thought. No one had really wanted Mulder to choose them. Not anyone who had ever heard his name, at least. He had a Ph.D in psychology. He could twist THEIR minds so badly that THEY would be the one in need of therapy. Scully knew this and that's why she wouldn't let anyone perform the standard tests. Mulder would pass with flying colors. He knew them by heart. Mulder excused himself from the office. He retreated to the bathroom. He considered it his personal bathroom since no one really ever came down to the basement. Though, every so often he caught Skinner down here....escaping from the burdens of being a bureaucrat. He went in and grabbed a paper towel to rinse his face off and refresh himself. He looked into the mirror. Behind him he saw Samantha and Anna-Lisa holding hands. `Sam?' he mind whimpered. He whirled around and found no one there. He began to feel nauseated. Just then, Walter Skinner walked in. "Agent Mulder? Are you well?" Mulder looked as though he had seen a ghost. Something told Skinner that he may just have. Mulder had his full weight leaning against the counter. "Agent Mulder!" At this, Mulder lost control. He lunged at Skinner. He attempted to punch him with his good hand, but he was too disoriented to get far. Ex-Marine Skinner twisted Mulder around and held him tightly at his elbows. Mulder collapsed in his arms and began to retch. Skinner dragged him to the nearest toilet just in time, but did not loosen his grip. Mulder retched and retched. When he was done, Skinner dragged him to the sink and got him a cup of water. Mulder rinsed his mouth out. Skinner released Mulder. Mulder turned around to face him. To yell at him. To thank him. To do something. But all he did was pass out. About five minutes later, Mulder awoke in his office and found Scully and Skinner staring at him. "Welcome back, Mulder." Scully said as jokingly as she could manage. "It seems, Agent Mulder, that perhaps I should have given you more time to recuperate." "No sir, it was probably just something I ate." "I don't think so Mulder...considering you haven't eaten anything all day. AND that doesn't explain why you attacked the Assistant Director." Scully said pointedly. "I apologize for that, sir. It was never my intention to hurt you." he said, not glancing at Scully. "Taken, Agent Mulder. I will leave the two of you to sort this out. And, may I suggest you take the rest of the day off. As I understand it, you have an appointment with Dr. Emmaline Davis at 4:30 this afternoon." With this he left. Even when he was being kind he managed to unnerve the agents. Mulder started to get out of his seat but Scully shoved him back into it. "Mulder. Sit down. I want to check you out first." She poked and prodded. She asked him questions. "What is today's date?" "November 1st 1492. I just saw Columbus at the GAP yesterday." he said with great earnestness. So much so that she was trying to figure out whether or not to take him to the hospital. But, then he gave her one of his smiles and she knew he was fine. "Uh huh. Well, you'll be fine but I'd like you to take the rest of the day off." "But Scully..." he whined "No buts. You go home. I know you'll want to lay out all the tricks you're going to use in that interview." "Oooo...I planned those last week." "Right. Well, if I find out that you did anything obnoxious, you will pay dearly." "This could be fun..." "Great. For that I am tempted to come along and put you in your place. Now get going before I call security." She smiled. His blood boiled. God, he loved it when she mothered him. "OK, mom." He winked and left. Office of Dr. Emmaline Davis Washington DC 4:25pm Emm glanced at her watch. She had been anxious about this interview. She read all the material she could get her hands on about a certain Fox William Mulder. Fox? What kind of a name is that? But then, Emmaline wasn't that much better. That's why she had people call her Emm. She had talked to Agent Mulder's partner. It had been she who objected to any of the standard test being performed. Mulder had a Ph.D in psychology. Oxford educated. His profiles were remarkable. He was noted for his gentleness. And, yet, she was nervous. She had spoken with a friend of hers who did regular counseling for the FBI. When she had told him she would be Mulder's therapist there was a dead silence on the phone. Next, he started warning her about `Spooky' Mulder. He was nuts. Should've been discharged from the FBI years ago. Emm heard a knock at her door. Must be Mulder. Yup. 4:30 on the dot. "Come in." she said. Special Agent Fox Mulder, officially assigned to the so-called X-Files walked into Emmaline Davis' office. He wore his gray suit. The one he reserved for those occasions when he wanted people to take him seriously. She noticed his practiced and at-ease gait. She stood to greet him. "Doctor Mulder." she said, acknowledging his title. "Doctor Davis." he replied with a practiced tongue. "Mulder will be fine. I don't use my title often." "Well, if you want. Though wouldn't you prefer the use of you first name?" "No." he said curtly. "Why is that?" she said, more curious than anything else. "My name was something of a joke." He laughed unenthusiastically. "When I was born my parents were expecting a girl. They didn't have a name ready for me. When my father saw me, though, he said I looked feral and suggested the name Fox." He smiled weakly. "Well, I don't suppose `Emmaline' any better." she said, trying to lighten things up. "Speaking of which...you can call me Emm." "Okay....Emm." "Well, you know the drill. Why don't we start out by discussing why you're here." "You've read the reports." he said quietly. This suggested to her that they were about to tread troubled waters. "I want to hear your side of it. And not just what happened, what you were thinking, what you felt..." She knew that he knew this. But, he was almost like a child trying to get out of doing something he didn't want to...even though he knew it was futile. She watched as he consciously took a very deep breath and collected his thoughts. He knew what he was doing. He was trying to distance himself from whatever he was about to say. To talk about himself but, to him, make it seem as though he were just an observer. She accepted this and made a mental note. From what she had heard from others, this was how Mulder stayed sane from day to day. He distanced himself from the one thing he feared. Him. "That day started out as any other day we were on a case would. Well, except Scully was regarding me strangely but it didn't really look like she had gotten enough sleep so I just figured, well, you know.... I wanted to check out the father's house because of something the mother said." He paused. He knew Emm had read the report so he didn't bother saying WHY he felt compelled to go to check out the father's house. "We got there and it was deserted. Just an old house...maybe built in the late 1800's. We found this note. It was almost horrific. It said that those who would go against God would be buried...and violated. But then I spotted this cairn outside and I just had to know. But all that was there was her necklace." He took a breath. Maintaining his distance. "Scully had called the cops and EMS and they were on their way. It look like she had dug herself out of the cairn. She must have been weak so she couldn't be far. It occurred to me that there might be a root cellar so we went back to the house. Sure enough, there was one and we went down. She was there. Violated. I felt so guilty. She was so young. The worst part was that had we been just a few hours earlier...she would be alive...." His voice trailed. It was clear to Emm that he did not wish to say anymore than this. But, she had to press him. "Then what? What happened next?" "I don't really remember anything until Scully tried to talk to me. She told me it wasn't my fault." He laughed. "Then what did you do?" "I hared out. I felt so guilty and I just responded impulsively." he admitted embarassedly. She noticed that he didn't actually say that he started beating up a brick wall. He knew that she knew that. But, it was clear that he was really trying to cooperate with her. He almost willingly went places where it was difficult to go. Emm wondered why. She would find out later. But, first, she would give him a break and switch to another topic. "Thank you. I know that was difficult for you. Well, why don't we move on... What do you think that others think of you?" "Hey. I'm the FBI's most unwanted. Good old `Spooky Mulder' who sees little green men and went around the bend years ago. And he finally got caught." He laughed heartily. It was clear that he felt comfortable being the butt of everyone's jokes. "Do you think you're actions are related to you sister's disappearance?" "I think anyone with a mail-order Ph.D could figure out that no-brainer." "Uh huh... What about relationships? Who do you spend time with when you're not working?" "Oh...I don't know... I've been in some relationships but they didn't really work out. Basically I'm with Scully most of the time. She's my friend and next-of-kin." He stopped there. He was trying to maintain an air of confidence but there was something in his eyes that told Emm that he really didn't have any relationships...except with Scully. "Who are your friends besides Scully?" "The Guys at the Lone Gunmen...um...there's a few people I know at work who don't think I'm completely insane...I know some people who've helped me with cases...I play pick-up games with some guys from Quantico behavioral. They think I'm crazy, but I have too good of a jump-shot." "Do you have any other REALLY good friends beside Scully?" "Nah...I don't really have any relationships...why? Are you interested?" He laughed. Emm ignored the comment. "Why do you think you don't have any relationships?" "Well, basically my life is to find my sister. Any relationship I have is merely an accessory to help me achieve that goal." "Even Scully?" He frowned a moment at that. "Dana is the single exception. She is important in and of herself." That was it. It was clear that he had no further intentions on pursuing that topic. She let it rest. She had her answer. It was Scully who appeared to care about him the most. Most likely, the only reason he was cooperating with her was because Scully would be upset if he didn't. "How many hours do you spend working a week?" He didn't respond. "50 hours..60 hours?" He simply shrugged. Emm realized that he probably was always `on duty.' "Agent Mulder. I want you to answer truthfully. Do you think you need to change your lifestyle?" "I know I work a lot but I think my life is fine the way it is." Okay. Time to strike. "Then why are you here, Mulder?" "I beg your pardon?" "Why are you here? If nothing is wrong then you tell me why you're here. If you can tell me right now why you shouldn't be here I will have them cancel the mandated therapy today." "Just because I know that nothing is wrong doesn't mean that my superiors believe it. I chase after aliens and mutants. I come up with ideas that they think are totally nuts. And they think I'm nuts because I say these things. I HAVE to be here. I don't want to but they won't let me work if I don't come." He was angry. Still, he managed to keep his voice down to a harsh growl. "I see. What does Scully think of you then?" "She used to believe what everybody else believes. But now she can't. THEY took her. She's seen too much not to at least give what I say a chance. Though sometimes I don't know how Scully puts up with my Bulls - sometimes. I don't know if I'm worth all the trouble she goes through." "Don't you think that's a very self-critical assessment?" "Well, you've never seem me on a tear. Obsessive on parade." He smiled. It was not a comforting thing. "And you still believe that you do not need to change? It sounds to me as though you're behavior negatively affects your relationships with other people." "Are you saying my behavior is maladaptive? You see, I don't CARE what people think of me. So, basically, it doesn't matter." `Great. Just great.' Emm thought. She worked with children. Adults she stayed away from. They were just too insincere. Children always told the truth. It is in their nature. Only through life do they learn to lie. But she took this because she knew that anybody else wouldn't tolerate him. He believed in aliens and government conspiracies. But she, had taken a class on accepting others' beliefs. She knew his pain. She HAD to help him. Get him to trust her. And she knew that it wouldn't be easy. And, for today, she'd had enough. She sighed. "Okay Mulder. Thank you for your cooperation. Usually, this would take longer but for now I have enough information." A headache was forming in some distant and cursed place in the middle of her head. "I'll make an appointment for the 15th. I'll see you then." As Mulder left with more speed than the situation warranted she wondered what she, Emmaline Davis, had gotten herself into. That Evening Mulder's Apartment Mulder raised his glass for the millionth time. As much as he wanted sweet bliss to take him away he didn't particularly feel like downing the vodka. He knew Scully would most likely be checking up on him any minute. He could just picture her scolding look as she made him stay the night at her place. So, he just held the glass comfortingly and tried to find oblivion in some other way. Unfortunately, his attempt was thwarted by a knock at the door. `Scully.' he thought. But he didn't want to waste any energy when he didn't have to. That would be far to easy...or was it difficult? `Oh great.' he thought. `I can't think clearly and I haven't even touched the stuff.' Scully stood outside Mulder's apartment. She knew he was home because of the fact that there were no lights on but she could hear the faint mummer of the television that kept him company during lonely nights. He didn't answer her knocks. She was afraid he was doing something stupid so she withdrew her key and unlocked the door. She walked in and found that his apartment was as messy as usual. Mulder sat on his futon and looked up at Scully. She stared disapprovingly at the glass that was still in his hand. "Mulder. Have you been drinking?" she said in that motherly way that made his head spin. But for what he could never be sure. "No. I just like holding the glass." he responded nonchalantly. "Mulder. Give me the glass." she said worriedly. "No. I told you. I LIKE holding it." He drew the glass closer. He protected it as if it were everything. But, at the same time, he used it to ward off Scully. It didn't work. "Mulder!" She approached him and snatched the glass out of his hand. Mulder stared at his empty hand. Then he slowly looked up at Scully. To her, he looked like a very small and lost child. Her heart was twisted when she saw the tears streaming down his face. "Oh, Mulder." she said sympathetically. She put down the glass and sat next to him. She drew his head into her lap and stroked his hair tenderly. He allowed her to do this for a time but suddenly he jerked away. Deep down, Scully was offended by this. She was trying to help him. Why couldn't he understand that? Only one way to find out. "Mulder." she whispered softy. "Why won't you let me help you?" He sat silent for a moment - regrouping. He strove to find the right words that could describe just how awful a person he was. "I don't deserve your help, Scully. I don't deserve your kindness. I'm worthless. I let THEM take you. I let THEM take Sam. It's my fault...." he voice trailed and a sob broke through. "It's MY FAULT! EVERY GODDAMMED THING IS MY FAULT!!!" he screamed. Scully, instinctively shrunk away - both physically and mentally. But Mulder quieted down now. He drew up his knees and wrapped his arms around them, fingers interlocking. He began to rock gently. "Mulder?" Scully asked. What she was asking was whether or not he was really `there.' He wasn't. She wouldn't leave him tonight, she decided. Right now, though, it looked as if he wanted to be alone. She would have to wait. Scully stood and walked around. She moved her way over to the stereo system. She put in the first CD she laid her eyes on. Falling Into You by Celine Dion. The CD player had already been programmed to play song 10 on continuous repeat. It was If That's What It Takes. The song began to play. You are the strongest of heart You are the bravest of souls Scully's breath caught in her throat as she listen, intoxicated, to the words. You are my light in the dark You are the place call home `Mulder.' her heart whimpered. You can say it's all right, But I know that you're breaking up inside I see it in your eyes Scully looked over at Mulder. He looked like a broken toy. She would give anything to fix him. Even you face the night Afraid and alone That's why I'll be there. Scully would always, ALWAYS be there for Mulder. That she was certain of. When the storm rises up When the shadows descend Ev'ry beat of my heart Ev'ry day without end Ev'ry second I live That's the promise I make Baby, that's what I'll give If that's what it takes. Tears trickled down Dana Scully's face as she understood why Mulder would play this song over and over again. Everything it said went both ways. Mulder would do the same for her. Fox Mulder didn't hear the words as much as he felt them. He hated himself for taking Scully's love and never giving enough in return. The song sang his oath to her. You can sleep in my arms You don't have to explain When your heart's crying out Baby whisper my name Mulder wished Scully didn't try to be so strong. He suspected that she was having nightmares about her abduction...but she would never say anything. He wished she would come to him for comfort. `Cause I've reached out for you When the thunder is crashing up above You've given me your love. When you smile like the sun That shines through the pain That's why I'll be there. Fox William Mulder and Dana Katherine Scully listened to the song knowing full well that the meaning went both ways. They may have been physically separated but their souls were dancing right now. When the storm rises up When the shadows descend Ev'ry beat of my heart Ev'ry day without end I will stand like a rock I will bend `til I break `Til there's no more to give If that's what it takes I will risk everything, I will fight I will bleed I will lay down my life If that's what you need. Every second I live That's the promise I make Baby, that's what I'll give If that's what it takes Through the wind and the rain Through the smoke and the fire When the fear rises up When the wave's ever higher I will lay down my heart, my body my soul I will hold on all night And never let go Ev'ry second I live That's the promise I make Baby that's what I'll give If that's what it takes. The song died down but the Dance of Souls did not end. There minds whirled within each other. Two halves of one whole. For that time they shared an understanding and intimacy that went beyond anything either of them had ever experienced or were ever to experience again. Office of Emmaline Davis Washington DC March 2nd 4:55pm Emm was frowning. She was already mad enough at herself for doing such a short interview with Mulder. She barely found out anything about him. The problem was she had pysched herself out to be scared and so she made it as quick as possible. She didn't dare breach professionalism and force him back for another interview. That would be cruel. Instead, she was currently reading Mulder's medical reports. He had tons in the FBI files. It seemed he was constantly getting shot, attacked, having broken limbs, etc. `What was he? A magnet for pain? Hmmm...must be an X-File.' she thought jokingly to herself. From what she had heard the X-Files were a joke. Mulder's career was wasted on them. He was a top criminal profiler and what was he doing? Chasing aliens- that's what. But that wasn't what Emm was frowning about. It took a bit of finagling but she dug up his medical reports from childhood. He had been admitted into the hospital several times when he was small. Broken bones, concussions, and there was a report of one severe head trauma. Around the time he was four to when he was eleven the reports stopped. However, in December of the year he turned twelve, 1973, the reports soared. The injuries were the same but far more severe. She connected this with the fact that his sister disappeared in November of that year. She had already had two sessions with Mulder. They spent both of them arguing about putting him on medication. He refused to see a doctor. She had been so preoccupied with telling him WHY he should see a doctor that she hadn't even told him about the contract work. When she had talked to Mulder's partner, she had alluded to the fact that Mulder may have been abused during adolescence. She didn't come right out and say it. It was quite apparent that she did not wish to betray Mulder's confidentiality. Emm had also spoken with Assistant Director Skinner. He was not willing to give her much information, though he did say that he had choked someone once. He would not say who. This was the problem dealing with FBI agents....they and those around them are reluctant to give information and are generally aloof. Well, at any rate, all of this would be cleared up soon. She had an appointment with Mulder in a few minutes. She purposely made him her last patient so that she could keep him as long as necessary. There was a tentative knock at the door. Emm took a deep breath. There was nothing to be scared of. She was trained to handle this. She released the breath. "Come in." she called as cheerily as she could manage. Mulder opened the door. He walked in and cast a cautious glance around the room. He abruptly closed the door behind him. He meandered over to the couch and Emm moved over to her chair. "Coffee?" she asked. Mulder simply shook his head. He dropped his gaze for a moment. She watched him curiously. He slowly raised his head again and met her eyes. Behind those eyes of his was all the sadness of the world. They were tortured eyes that had seen far too much, far too early. She could not lie to him now. "Mulder. Do you know why I asked you to clear your schedule for the rest of the night?" "Yeah. We've been spending so much time arguing that you really don't know that much about me. You haven't gotten inside my head. All the information you have is probably from the reports of the last two times I was in therapy." Emm stared openly at him. He was good. She knew she would not be able to be evasive. This was good. She tried not to be with her other patients. But, they were children. She couldn't bring herself to damage them further with the unpleasant truth. "Yes. That's basically it." she finally replied. "You, of course know, that I use cognitive-behavioral therapy with my patients. To begin, I have assignments for you to do." Emm got up and walked over to her filing cabinet. She dug out a new notebook. She walked over to the couch and sat on the end opposite from him. She presented him with the notebook. "This is yours. You'll do all your contract work, as we call it, in here. This week I'll be nice and let you choose your topic." He stared openly at her. He wasn't some small child. "You can't be serious." he said dryly. "Of course, I am serious. Why?" "Emm, I am NOT a little kid. I have work. Besides, it's humiliating." "Why is that?" "It's just that...I..." his voice trailed. It was a conspiracy. It had to be. Nothing else could possibly be more insidious. "Fine. I'll do it." "Good." she offered him a smile which he very purposely, and obviously ignored. She paused a moment. She needed to do something that would allow her to understand this man. A thought struck her. He was very blunt. She would have to be as well. She moved over to her desk. She picked up his medical reports from childhood and brought them back to the couch with her. She sat directly next to Mulder and opened the files. Mulder looked at her as though she had lost her mind. "Do you know what these are?" she asked quietly. "Yeah. They're my medical reports from when I was a kid. What about it?" He said this in a very rushed manner. He was hoping she wouldn't bring up the fact that his father beat him when he was a kid. He had purposely classified his hypno-regression tapes with Dr. Verber so she wouldn't know. There would be no good reason for her to dig up his medical files. Unless Scully had figured it out.... She noticed the hurried manner in which he had spoken...the desperation in his voice. This was definitely a touchy subject. But, she would not back away from this. "Tell me how you got these injuries." Mulder only allowed himself a second to respond...a second to come up with a convincing lie. Ah...there it is. "I was accident prone. I still am. Why do you think they assigned Scully to work with me? It's because they were praying she could help to bring down my medical bills. I was putting the Bureau in debt." He tried very hard to say this slowly. So it didn't look like he was hiding anything. Emm saw right through him. It wasn't difficult. His eyes betrayed him. His eyes...there was so much pain hiding behind them. She needed to tap into that pain so she could relieve it. "What do you think you will accomplish by lying to me." His mouth gaped. How could she have the audacity...no, never mind. She was perfectly within her rights. After all, he was blatantly lying to her. He took a deep breath and looked away as he responded. "It's too hard. I can't.....I won't. I will cooperate to a certain degree. But, it is too dangerous for me to go there. It would destroy me and I can't risk that." "You have to do it. I will help you. You have to tell me a little today or I won't let you leave." "I can leave whenever I want to." "And if you do now, you know I have no choice but to call 911. You KNOW that." He turned to her. His eyes were watery. They pleaded with her but she would not be budged. "Why are you doing this to me?" he whispered intensely. "Because if I don't...nobody else will. And then, you would have this pain for the rest of your life." "I WANT THE PAIN!!!!" he screamed suddenly...very much to Emm's surprise because she knew he rarely display anger. "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??!! I NEED IT! I DESERVE IT!!!!!" Mulder buried his face in his hands. But, he refused to let the tears fall. "Why?" Emm pressed. "What makes you think you deserve any pain?" She observed him. Something big was pressing through. She allowed him to sit in silence an collect his thoughts. It was several minutes before he spoke. "After they took Sam...my father would hurt me. And I was glad he did. I let the take her. I deserved it. I still deserve its aftermath." When he said this it was barely audible. He drew up his knees and rocked back and forth. The tears finally came. Emm drew him towards her and hummed to him a tuneless song. After a few minutes of this, Mulder sat up and waited. The tears were gone and the mask was back in place. Emm was about to ask how his father hurt him. But, she sensed he was not ready. It had taken a lot of courage to tell her what he had. "What about when you were a small child? What happened then?" Mulder knew he could get away lying about this so he did. "I got hurt a lot. But it wasn't because of my father." Emm regarded him for a moment and then accepted this response. She knew he wasn't telling her everything. But, for today, he had given her plenty. "We've come far today, Mulder. I am glad. Since you haven't chosen what you want to do for your contract work, I have something that I would like you to do. I want you to write a list of positive self-statements. Scully has to sign it." "What?! Emm, no, please.. Don't make me show it to Scully." "You are GOING to show it to Scully and have her sign it." Mulder pouted. "Fine. Whatever." "Good." Mulder got up from the couch and left. What had he gotten himself into? FBI Building Washington DC March 3rd 8:55am Scully walked into the office. Mulder was already there typing away at his keyboard. She poured herself some coffee and sat down. Mulder cast her a side-long glance and sighed. "Something wrong Mulder?" "Um, Scully. Would you sign this?" He walked over with his notebook. "What is it?" "Well, Emm is having me do what she calls "contract work." And she says you have to sign it." Scully looked up at him. For an instant, she felt like she really WAS his mother. "Sure Mulder. But, I should probably read it first." She picked up the notebook and read Mulder's positive self-statements. They were pathetic. `I am smart. I am athletic. I have green eyes.' She looked back up at him. "What kind of statement is "I have green eyes."?" "Hey! Women happen to LIKE my green eyes." "Re-do it." she ordered. "What?!" "You heard me. Re-do it. It isn't good enough." Mulder slouched back over to his desk. He got back to work. A few minutes later he gave her a new list. She didn't like it. He went to work on yet another list. She didn't like that one either. "Mulder. You are pathetic. There are lots of good things about you. You are a GOOD PERSON." Mulder was about to protest. He was about to go on a long tirade and tell her just how evil he was. But then, he looked into her eyes and saw she was telling the truth. THE TRUTH. For that brief second, he had found THE TRUTH and he was complete. For the first time in his life, Fox William Mulder truly believed.