From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 25 Mar 2002 20:00:28 -0000
Subject: There is no tomorrow by Jessica
Source: direct

Reply To: j_rothen@yahoo.se


Title: There is no tomorrow.

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: Doggett

Spoiler: None

Summary: Doggett after his family is dead.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: I didn't know what to put at Category so..I put just
Doggett...Hope that's ok with everybody.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.

My hands are trembling. The darkness of the room scares me a
bite. It's funny how you see your life so clearly when you're
just about to die. I have made up my mind not to fear death. 
It's a friend of mine now. But still my hands are trembling.
The gun feels so heavy in my hand. The steel is cold against
my skin. Maybe I'm weak. I still cling to life like I had
something left to live for. But I know there is nothing. I
know what they say, there's always some reason to stay. But
for me there's nothing left. My time on this earth is up. 
Some might say it's up to god to decide when your time
is over here. But I know mine is now. I'm not afraid anymore.
I used to fear the dark, but these days I embrace it. 

It all started one week ago. One week ago I was happy. One 
week ago I had everything. It's funny how fast you can lose
it. I never saw it coming. I guess I was to blind or to 
rapped up in being happy that I didn't see the darkness that
entered our lives. 
His name was Billy Deaver and he crushed my life. He took
away my family. He was drunk and high on drugs that night
when he broke into our house. My wife and my baby boy was
sleeping on the second floor. I wasn't there. I was off
playing soldier again. He could have just left the house.
But he entered the bedroom and he wiped away everything that
was pure that night. He raped her and afterwards when he
was finished he turned to my boy. My little boy was so
afraid that he puked on him. My wife tried to push him away
from our son and then Billy Deaver turned his rage towards her.
He stabbed her so many times that the blood painted the walls
red. Then he turned to my little boy and.....I can't....
The memories are still fresh. I can still see them if I only
close my eyes. The blood...so much blood. 
Billy Deaver was shot and killed in a bank robbery two days
later. Maybe it was the devil taking back its own. I didn't 
get my revenge. I was angry at the world during the first
days then sorrow hit with such force that I hardly could move.
During the funeral I was numb. I didn't cry. I was all out
of tears. It's funny how the body still can move though the
heart is dead. I stood there like a ghost watching them leave
me behind and there was nothing I could do to take them back.
I have always believed in god but that day when he decided 
to take them away from me I stopped talking to him. After the
funeral I walked like a dead man around the mourners. I felt
them watching me. I hated the way they looked at me and I hated
the way their words tried to comfort me. Don't they know that 
they can't help me now? No one can. I died that day when they 
were taken from me. My heart has stopped beating and the blood
is cold in my veins. They say I can survive this. They lie. 
They don't know my pain. I hate that they try to act like 
nothing is wrong. I listen to them talk in the halls and I 
just want to scream at them. I'm still amazed that everything 
is the same. The world hasn't stopped. I hate that I'm still 
alive. I wonder sometimes if they can see that I'm dead inside
when they look at me. 
I couldn't bring myself to go back to the house after the 
funeral so I moved in to a hotel. I'm eating dinner alone 
in my room and watching TV until I fall asleep. I see them
in my dreams. I can never reach them. I see their faces and
try to take them in my arms but they always slip from my
grasp. I have a picture of them beside my bed. It was taken
years ago by the sea somewhere. They're smiling into the camera
and they are so beautiful. 
I'm sitting and starring at that photo now. The photo from
the times when I had everything. I want that again. I want 
them back. I need them. They are my air. They are my heart. 
They are everything that I'm. They are the reason I'm alive.
Why couldn't god take me also? Why did they leave me here
alone? I can't survive this! It hurts too much. I can't breath.
Oh, god, it hurts. It feels like I'm going to explode. It feels
like someone has stabbed me in the heart. I deserve this pain.
I want this pain. I wasn't there. I didn't stop it from
happening. It was my job to protect them and I failed. I'm
the reason why they are not here today. I killed them. 
Their faces are everywhere. They whisper to me and call out
my name. I crumble to the floor and I shut my eyes in a weak
attempt to shut pain out. But there's no escape. I scream out
load and I hope he'll hear me. I want them back! Bring them
back! I will sell my soul to the devil. I will do anything you
want, just let me see them. I'll do what I have to do. 
I can't take this! There's nothing I can do. I'm powerless.
I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired off fighting 
this pain. I don't belong on this earth. I belong with them. 
My place in life is with them.  
I look at the gun in my hand and I wonder how it would feel
to die. Would it hurt? Would I see them on the other side?
I have to believe that. I know they are waiting for me. We
belong together. Tears are marking my face when I lift my
gun to my head. I'm not afraid anymore. I close my eyes and
I can see them smiling at me. Oh, god they are beautiful.
I smile back and I know I'll be with them soon. 
Then I pulled the trigger.

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