From: "R Oakley" Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 14:01:33 -0500 Subject: submisson Source: direct Title: This Was It Author: Crytals Rating: NC-17 Classification: MSR,UST,RST Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013, and FOX. Please don't sue me because my story is so great..sorry. Anyway, yeah, they aren't mine and I know it. If you think they are, you must have serious problems! Distribution Statment: I don't care where it is distributed, as long as I'm informed of it. Feedback: Oh yeah! If you like this fanfic, I'll be super surprised so please tell me! My e-mail addy is: ToMmYgUrLiE@alloymail.com Spoilers: I could have many, so just to be sure, don't read this if you don't want to be spoiled! Some I can think of right now are: Millennium, Sein Und Zeit, Detour, Memento Mori, Redux, FTF, Pilot. Summary: This story is a realistic view of Mulder and Scully's opinion of their relationship. Author's Notes: I eventually got a little sick of reading NC-17 fanfics that really didn't sound like Mulder and Scully at all, so I hope that this will be the #1 fanfic for all you shippers! It should be realistic, if it is tell me, even if you think that it's not tell me anyway! Thanks for reading...you are nuts. There is a little bit of thanks at the bottom...:P *********************************************************************** My mind was spinning now. How could I possibly get through this and walk normally? Oh, that was just totally unexpected and unreal. I could hardly walk, the car must be so much closer then what it appeared to be. Just a few more steps Scully. I told myself. I finally made it inside the passengers seat and smiling none the less. We just kisssed I couldn't stop thinking. I finally happened. It was real. I felt like I had to scream. Of course I couldn't because then he would think that I'm really gone crazy. God Mulder I have! You make me go crazy. Everyday. Every touch. Every look. Every smile. And I can't laugh or scream, at the feelings inside. Instead I just keep quiet and look calm. Oh Mulder, you make crazy. *** She was apparently very happy with that. I thought happy myself. I was smiling, and by now I can read Scully all too well to know that even though she isn't smiling she can still be very happy. There are ways to tell. She seems to lick her lips, take deep breaths, and look down a lot when she's happy. Oh Scully, I know you very well. She couldn't hide anything from me. She probably knew it too. At this moment though the blood in my every vain was pumping hard, and fast. I couldn't stand it anymore. I need her. I thought. I need to hug her very close and tell her everything about me. Everything I feel. Everything I want and everything she makes me. She was so important to me. My everything. Scully was the most beautiful part of my life. She always will be. I don't think that I need to tell her that though. She knew now. Even though I didn't mean it to it slipped out in the kiss. She knew. I looked at her in the corner of my eye, she was smiling. *** The Millennium had been a important one for us. I thought while I listened to classical music while I was laying by my fireplace. It was late May and I was still so cold. It had been 4 months since the first kiss and nothing happened in regards to that kiss since, and now as I lie thinking about it. I am happy that it was that way. Mulder and I shouldn't have done that in the first place. But I knew that it was only a friendly kiss anyway. And I'm sure that's how he thought of it too. We are partners, nothing more, and it's not even worth the time of thought to think otherwise. After that phone conversation with my mother I realized that I was so tired I had, had my eyes closed the whole conversation. I walked towards my bedroom and I put on my pyjamas and brushed my teeth, with no thoughts in my head at all. Too tired to think. I walked towards my bed and fell into it. My eyes drifted shut easily. *** I don't know why I loved to watch these movies so much but I did. It's not that I'm a pervert or anything because I'm certainly not. I just love watching people make love. Or now that I really think of it, have sex. They aren't making love to someone that they only just met a few minutes ago. That's sex. Not many feelings, just hormones. I started to get a little bored after awhile. Too much sex on T.V. and none in real life is not a very good combination. My eyes started to close as I lie on the couch, and I fell into a very comfortable sleep. *** I could see Mulder starting to leave me. His eyes were now shut and his breathing slowed. I needed to do something. I needed to help him. I can't just let him die here. I didn't want to wake him up but I couldn't let him leave me. Finally I needed to tell him what he needed to finally know. "Mulder" I spoke softly. Trying to distrub nature's course. "Scul..." He tried to manage. While his death tried to take over. "Mulder, I want you to know you'll always be here with me. No matter what we are together. We can be. Together. Inside me." Tears were streaming down Scully's face fast and with too much purpose. "N..No...I ..wanted..to" He stopped short of words. But he needed to tell her. He knew he had to tell her. "Show you...before...uhhh...I...love you...more..don't...forget...." Mulder choked out. "Mulder, never...(sob)...will I ever forget you. Never. You...I... Mulderrrrrrrr!!!!" Scully was screaming now. She knew he was gone now. She realized that she could never tell him her feelings now it was too late. She loved him,and she never told him. She felt herself die right there with him fade away. She could hear ambulances ahead. The sirens sharp. Ringing her ears. I could still hear the sirens when I opened my eyes. "Ring, Ring,Ring!" I looked around sweating and crying. It was only a dream. Oh God, that had been the worst dream I ever had. I reached over and grabbed the phone that were in my dream the sirens. "Uhh...Umm..Scully?" I answered. "Oh, hey Scully!" Mulder started. "Where are you? your damn lucky that Skinner didn't call a surprise meeting, he would have you on the top of his "bad girl" list." Mulder joked. I felt the world come back to me. Mulder wasn't dead. He didn't even start to die. Just a dream Scully. I told myself. Just a dream. I held the phone tightly and just listened to his breathing. I realized that I actually had tears running down my face and I was sweating like hell. "Scully, you o.k.?" Mulde rasked with concern in his voice. I couldn't answer him yet. Too happy. Too relieved. I finally tried to grab a hold of myself. "Um...yeah Mulder." I said trying to sound myself. I glanced at my clock. Oh.. I was so tired last night that I forgot to set it. "I'm coming now, I didn't set my alarm and I slept in. That's all." "O.K. Scully. I'm waiting." I hung up the phone. I should've told Mulder my dream. I know that it would have made me feel better, but I couldn't. I don't really like to tell people things like that. Too personal. Those dreams are thoughts in my head. Unsettled and real. Especially this particular dream. It was very personal. I eventually remembered every part of it. I forgot to say "I love you." This dream could certainly never be told to anyone. I pulled on my clothes quickly, and I was almost redy to meet Mulder who said that he'd be waiting. *** It was certainly not like Scully to be late for work, but it didn't matter much. There were many times that I forgot to set my alarm too. I was very bored waiting for Scully. In this office there is hardly anything to do. Nothing but papers, files, pictures, dossiers, and folders. Right now I didn't need them. I wanted to see Scully. It has been a weekend without seeing her. I don't know why but this weekend I actually missed her. I looked very hard for another case to investigate, I even talked Skinner into finding something to keep me occupied, but nothing showed up. So I lounged around, and read. I talked to Scully on the phone once this weekend, about work of course, but really I was just bored. I thought of an excuse to call her and work would always be it. We had only that in common. Nothing else really. But yet we got along so well. Like brothers and sisters. That thought made me laugh aloud. Scully could never be my sister. She was my best friend. A best friend that I really wanted more from. Sometimes I'd think that Scully is my closest friend, and it's wrong to have other feelings for her, but then the feelings flood over me so hard that I think once again, I do actually have sexual feelings for my partner, friend, best friend. I keep them to myself. I would never ruin what we have now for anything sexual. Not with Scully. She is way too important to me. I could never imagine living life without her because of a stupid thought or something stupid I said. To interupt all my thoughts that I shouldn't have been having, Scully walked in the office. I could read her mind so well. She was in a rush. Her hair wasn't neatly brushed and her clothes were thrown on. And now that I think about it, she did get here quite quick. Her smile was the only greeting that she met me with. It was a forced smile at that. But 'forced' was Scully. She forced a lot, I could tell. *** Mulder was staring at me with his eyes wide open. I wondered at that point what he was really thinking. He was probably thinking about some case he finally recived, or about what he had to do when he got home. *** The way that Scully looks at my when she tries to think of what I'm thinking can make me faint if I let it. She slowly walked in and took off her overcoat and hung it up neatly. She sat on the chair on the other side of his desk. She looked up into his eyes and said all too casually. "So what's up?" "Nothing right now, there are a few cases come up lately, but nothing very...interesting." "Paranormal" She guessed correctly. "Hmmm..I see." She observed. I looked at her again. She was wearing a navy blue jacket and a baby blue shirt underneath. She was a very attractive woman. I admitted to myself. I stared into her bright blue eyes. She looked back. We just looked. Without any words I could always see into her. I loved the times like this, when she opened herself to me, without words, only thoughts. She, I could tell, was not thinking the same, I couldn't really tell what she was thinking. She was now another mystery to me, that I wanted to solve. To me Scully was more than anyone had ever been to me. She was a very special X-File herself. She was full of wonder, hope, and her thoughts were so deep I could never and would never reach the bottom of them. Yet she was a simple dove. She was light and soft. She was such a little package, but she was full of definition and, power. She was the most interesting person I knew. She was the most important person to me. That was Scully. *** Mulder was acting every bit like himself. He was always looking for a case with U.F.O.'s or flying saucers. Not normal F.B.I. work. That wouldn't keep his attention enough. It was fine with me, at times. Sometimes it got to be way too much and I start to get annoyed with the whole thought of paranormal life and I feel like just telling Mulder to finish the case himself so I can just go home and relax. I never do that though. And I don't think that I ever will. There was a long silence that struck us just then. He stopped and looked at me with purpose and he had a very intense look in his eyes. I suddenly remembered my dream. I felt so happy to just be here with him. A smile would have emerged to the surface but I was much too good at holding them back, and that's what I did. His eyes were concentrating very hard on mine. I started to feel vary uncomfortable. I only for a second felt like breaking the contact, but I couldn't. I needed to know whatever I was seeing. I'm not sure what I feel when Mulder looks at me like this, it always teaches me something, only my subconcious knows. Finally I had to break the stare before it turns into a contest. "So what are we doing today?" I asked after clearing my throat a bit. "I'm not sure, what do you want to do? How about some good background checks?" "I don't think so Mulder. Any unfinished work that you have to get done?" "Ummm...I can't think of any. After that last case, we pretty much covered everything!" I didn't even want to think about the last case that Mulder and I solved. It was just plain scary. A bunch of weird, drug addicted, teens who were murdering small children and babies when they were inside their homes sleeping. No one could figure out how they got in the homes. That made me really emotionally stessed. I even had a couple of visits to the doctor after I couldn't sleep. I hated cases that involved rape and baby killing. They just seemed to make me think much about the hate in this world. There was too much of it. *** I was actually sitting at work with nothing to do. This was extremely unusual. I wondered what else we could do, if there was anything to get done, after concluding that there was nothing to get done at work, I realized that maybe Scully and I should go somewhere outside of work. We rarely do that, and this is the perfect time. "Hey, I know! How about we go see that new Bruce Willis film?" I suggested. To my surprise Scully actually grinned at the idea. "Not really the kind of working I had in mind." She threw back at me. "Well let's do something out of work today Scully. How about we go somewhere fun?" "Fun?" "Yeah, you know where you smile or maybe even laugh, you know, you probably had some when you were a kid..." "Mulder, shut up! I have things to get done at home if you want to have fun you are going to have to find someone else to have fun with." I don't think she realized what she just said, but it made me ache. I just stayed quiet and gave her my little puppy-dog face. "Mulder, no. You can give me a call if you want." She got up and started for the door. Grabbed her coat and looked back at me. She must have realized that I was staring at her. Watching her walk away. "Mulder go home." Is all she said. Then she shut the door behind her. Bye Scully. I was still trying to think of what I should do, now alone. I finally decided to go home like Scully told me to. *** Doesn't Mulder have a life? I wondered. He wanted to see a movie? No way. I have a lot of errands to run tonight. Maybe for the first time in about 3 months I can actually have a good dinner. When I got to my house I checked my messages. "You have zero messages" It told me. I was really used to that. Lonelyness is real. I never had admitted to it before but I have thought it many times. And I was always the most lonely at home. My heart was not at home. My heart felt the most happy somewhere else, I tried to think of where. With Mulder. I never felt lonely with him. He made me feel complete even though I was far from that inside. He made me someone who I never felt I could be. I always dismiss the thought of love for Mulder though. Sure I cared deeply for him. He was the very person I lived for. The only reason I lived. That's why I couldn't love him. It might ruin what we do have. A rare care for a person we work with is what we have, and I would only hope that Mulder feels the same way. If he were ever to make his way towards a romantic relationship, which I can't even imagine, I'd probably never feel the same towards him. The trust would be gone and I would never be able to keep loving him the way I do now...wait, did I just think that I love Mulder? Oh God! *** I knew what I wanted to do tonight. I wanted to have a nice meal, a warm shower and then sleep in until late in the afternoon. Right now though I was concentrating on making dinner just right. I wanted this pizza to actually look and taste like pizza. As I started to spread the tomato sauce on the dough, I started to think about Scully. Everything somehow made me think about her. It was a weird reaction I have to everything I do and watch and read and look at and cook and sing and listen to and taste and feel. Everything I do without Scully, somehow gets linked to Scully in the longrun. She's always there with me. I tell myself all the time that these feelings are very different and weird, but I can't help having them. They aren't sexual,or anything close to it. They are merely Scully there, with me, always. I actually really like them. Without them I'd be lonely without her. *** This is very relaxing. The bathtub water was hot and steaming my bathroom up. I love taking baths when I needed to relax my mind and my body. I let my mind go blank and I shut my eyes. I saw nothing, heard nothing, and thought nothing. Minutes passed as I lay there silently. My mind sprung back to reality when I started to see Mulder's face in my closed eyes. I can see him looking at me with a strong force and the intensity that he did earlier today. I didn't open my eyes though. I didn't really mind seeing my partner there. I kept looking deeper. I saw him crying on my shoulder when his mom died, and I could see how I felt for him that night. I saw the time I held him in my lap all night when we were stranded in the forest, and I saw how I wanted to help him anyway I could. I could see the time I was battling Cancer, and I could see the fear in him. I could see the small kisses that stayed in my mind always because he made each one seem so special. I thought of the time I was the most sick and he kissed my cheek and helped me through, I remember how thankful I was for him to be there with me. I remember when I made the desicion to quit my work with the F.B.I., and we almost kissed at the thought of losing eachother. Then I remembered the first time that we kissed, I felt something inside that I really can't explain. Finally I remembered the first time I saw him, and the voice I heard inside that I chose to ignore, the heart that told me secret messages, the lust that roared at my new partner, and the new found friend I had prayed for, for so many years. To be in love with him now I could only dream of, but for it to be reality, that's to be unspoken forever. *** I finished everything that had to be done around here Scully, now what? He wondered what she would answer with. Probably a "Then catch up on your sleep." or a "Then clean your apartment a bit." That was Scully. I wondered what she was doing right now. She was probably watching T.V. or reading a novel. Sounds about right. I was utterly without a thing to do. I decided finally just to go to bed. I was finished with the day called today, and I just wanted to get into tomorrow. I walked quickly into my room and plopped onto my new replaced waterbed, and shut my eyes. *** I could see him staring helplessly up at me as the killer slowly pointed the gun at his heart. It started to tear me to pieces knowing that I couldn't help him at all. He wasn't asking anything from me at all. He was looking at me with those intense eyes that he always looks at me with when he wants me to know something. He was trying to tell me something. I tryed to concentrate hard on the thoughts he was trying to pass on to me. I finally got it, and when I did a shiver ran down my whole body forcefully. He was telling me 'it's alright to watch him go now. It was the end, and it was the truth.' He finished his thoughts with 'I love you Scully.' I tried to tell him something too. I don't know what it was, but there was something that I needed him to know. If he could just hang on for a few more seconds it would come to me...'Scully!!!' He yelled in his mind as the bullet fired through his heart. It was too late when the thought came to me, and I saw Mulder laying there, gone from the world, from his work, from me. I woke up in a panic. I was breathing heavy and dryed tears were stinging my face. 'Mulder? Mulder?' I was thinking. I needed to hear him again. I picked up the phone and dialed his number quick. I needed to know he was o.k. I got no answer. These dreams about these physic abilities were starting to get to my head I thought, but I could swear that I could hear Mulder scream, "Scully help me!", I hung up the phone and jumped out of bed, still sweaty and in my pyjamas. It seemed like forever to get to Mulder's. My heart ws racing and my mind was spinning, hoping that I was overreacting. Finally though I reached his door and with my spare key, I opened his door and walked into his apartment quietly. I didn't want to wake him if he was here. I walked towards his bedroom door, then pushed it open. My heart returne to normal speed when I saw him laying there peacefully sleeping, and breathing quite loud. I didn't want to disturb him so I decided that I'd spent the night there. I headed towards the living room when I heard a small whisper from Mulder's room, "Scully..." the small voice called. "Is that you?" I had to answer him now, even though I didn't want to. "Yeah Mulder it's me." I told him. I could hear him getting out of bed. He came out of his bedroom wearing baggy cotton pants and no shirt. "What's the matter?" He wondered. "Nothing Mulder, it's nothing...I just..you know." "Did you have a nightmare?" How can Mulder always know what I'm thinking? I needed to tell him now. He wanted to know why I showed up at his apartment at...what time was it? I didn't even know. "No, Mulder, I didn't have a nightmare..." I lied. "Well what's wrong then Scully?" "Yeah, damn it Mulder I did have a nightmare!" I didn't want to confess to it, but it was true and I didn't want to hide anything from Mulder. "Well what was it about? Was it about me Scully?" Mulder was looking at her with those eyes again. He stood a few steps away from her, and she could feel his aching desire to embrace her. She seemed to sense those things that Mulder did all too well. "Yes, Mulder you were in it. I don't really want to talk about it though." "Are you sure? Because it would probably make you feel better Scully." Mulder said stepping closer to me. "It's alright, I just wanted to make sure that you were fine." I told him. "Alright, I'm fine Scully. Now you need to get to sleep. C'mon, Scully." Mulder took my hand lightly and a thousand electric bolts shot through me. I felt a little lightheaded at his soft hand grasping mine, and I needed a chair or something quickly. It's not like Mulder has never touched my hand before, it's just that I really needed him to this time. I needed Mulder. *** Scully was trembling and I could tell that the nightmare that she had about me frightened her. I wanted to make sure that she felt safe for the rest of the night. I guided her by hand into my bedroom and leaded her to the bed. I didn't have any other thoughts in my mind that might have had if this were any other woman. but this wasn't just any other woman. This was Scully and I wanted her to feel safe tonight. When we reached my bed Scully looked up at me with very sleepy eyes. "Mulder I need you to know..." "Scully, lie down." I said with a swollen voice. I didn't want to know what she was about to say. Scully listened to me. She gently layed down on my bed, and I pulled the blankets over top of her and told her to close her eyes. She did what I asked. I started into the living room where I planned to sleep for the night. "Mulder." Scully's tiny voice managed. "You can sleep here if you want. I don't mind." I was about to turn down the offer when I realized that my best friend was wanting to cuddle for the night. So I walked over to the other side of the bed and rested beside Scully. She didn't move when I layed myself beside her. I shut my eyes, and tried to tell myself that my partner was sleeping beside me. She moved a little, and the water inside the bed rocked with her. "Mulder?" I turned around to see her facing me already. "Yeah?" I answered looking at her straight in the eyes. "If you were to die, let's say tomorrow, what would you want me to do?" "Oh, Scully! Don't think like that right now. Does this have to do with your dream?" "No Mulder, but I was just wondering, you know, what if?" "If I died, I wouldn't want you to be upset Scully. I would want you to live your life happily, safe, and be healthily. I would want you to forget that I did this to you all together, and have many children, and marry a wonderful husband." "What did you do to me Mulder?" "Well I made this your life." "It's not a bad thing Mulder. This is the best thing that ever happened to me you know." She was looking deep into me I could feel it. I smiled at hearing those words that she just spoke. There was absolutely nothing else that I could say to her. "And you know I can't have children." She added. "You'll find a way Scully." I truly did believe that this woman would have chilren someday. "I don't want you to leave me though Mulder, the thought scares me so much. I can't picture life without you now, I'd be so scared. We work as one Mulder, I don't know if you noticed it but we do. If you died it would be like I died. I don't ever want to see that happen Mulder." She obviously had a nightmare about me dying. I've never heard her talk about death like this before, and it was really starting to scare me. She was getting way too personal. I don't think that she really realized what she was saying. I didn't let any of what she was saying really get into my mind. I was tired too, and I felt myself start to fall asleep as Scully layed there staring at me wide eyed. *** I know that he must think that I'm just rambling on, but every word I said tonight had been sadly true, and I felt better knowing that I told him. I never want life without him, and those dreams are just too real. I thought for the first time tonight, 'I love Mulder.' That night I didn't have a nightmare. I didn't even have a dream. I woke up and looked around trying to remember where I was, then I remembered and I had to hold the smile back again. I looked to where Mulder was sleeping last night. He wasn't there anymore to my dissappointment. I got up from the waterbed, and walked out of his room. He was making something in the kitchen. I could smell it. It smelled like bacon, or something along those lines, but it was probably bacon. I had a great nose for food. "Good morning sleepyhead." Mulder said to me as I walked into the kitchen. "What time is it?" I asked sleepily. "About 11:00!, I 'd say that you slept in." Mulder said with a very goofy smile. "Well we should get to work soon, Skinner will kill us." "Not to worry, I called him. He said there are only a few cases that need taking care of, and I figure that it's nothing that the regular toliet scrubing workers can't do. So we can just relax around here if you want." "Sounds good Mulder." I was very surprised at his desicion to stay home. *** We ate and talked about everything. We never really talk that much when we are working on a case, but the only thing that I didn't want to bring up was last night. The things that she was saying, too private. She was tired and she probably didn't mean to say them. The whole day practically went by with them talking about nothing really. They talked about small things, and they laughed at some things and were more serious. They had a good day together. I could tell Scully was having a good time. She hadn't even got out of her pyjamas yet. It was starting to get dark out now but we just kept on talking. "So Mulder, if you could have one wish come true what would it be?" Scully asked playfully. "I'm not that sure, that's hard. Do you mean, out of life? Or out of this present time?" "Everything. Your biggest wish ever." Scully was very curious now about me I could tell, and she seemed somehow different tonight. I felt different too. Something was different. Or something would be different. I could feel it. *** I needed to know. Right now. At this very point, I felt like I knew Mulder so well. I needed to know that one more piece of information to complete this puzzle of him. I was still waiting for him to answer my question. "Mulder?..." "I'm thinking. I have so many wishes." "Name one." "Well, I wish for you to have all your wishes come true." "Oh, come on Mulder! Really, the wish has to be something you want. Something you could use." I waited forever until he answered me back. Finally he said, "You." We both froze. I looked away from his staring eyes. "What do you mean Mulder?" "I want to be there with you through everything you have go wrong, go right, anything Scully. It's so hard to say this right now you know? It is, it really is because you mean everything to me, except for the one thing..." "Mulder, I don't know what to say, I....think that's very...umm flattering." Don't ask why flattering, my mind was totally blank and I wanted to really know what Mulder meant. "Scully, I want you to know that your my best friend over anything else, but there's something that I'm going to say now that I've given a great deal of thought to. We have this certain...thing." He paused for a minute. Thinking. He was trying so hard to use the right words. Any words he could have used right now would be enough for me to know what he was trying to say. I realized already that I loved him. Ever since I met him. Soulmates. Made for eachother. Whatever you wanted to call it. I realized it already, but this was Mulder. Which makes it ten times harder to act on those feelings. It was scary now, knowing he felt the same way. "Scully, what I'm trying to say is that, you are everything to me." "You are to me too Mulder." We already knew this I realized. We were just sitting here on opposite sides if the couch in his livingroom telling eachother things we already knew. "It's enough now Scully, and I can't take the covering up of our feelings. I don't want to lie to you anymore. But Scully I can't just tell you either. Scully, I need to, and I need you to let me prove it to you..." "Mulder..." I didn't know what to say. I mean I couldn't...he couldn't...we couldn't. Not me and Mulder, Mulder and I, no way. But yet it seemed to be the sweet answer after all. After all had been seven years of this happy, healthy, loving, sweet, tender, sore, bitter, maddening, frusturating, beautiful relationship all in one. Now couldn't be the night to sum it all up. I couldn't let it be. "Scully, if not that's fine. I think that our bodies need the chance, if not our hearts." Mulder said very seriously. "This will be beautiful Mulder." "Will be?" "Yes." Neither of us moved. We just stared at eachother, feeling the harmony start to make the magic start already, without us doing anything at all. Mulder and I really do have something special I thought. Probably a gift from God. All the pain and hurting we've went through together, only to lead us to this. Who would have knew? Mulder had only been the very closest friend I have. A maybe the only friend. It was too rare what we have right now. I reminded myself. But really I didn't care. This was Mulder. Just a few thoughts of him made me start to blush right infront of him. He noticed but he didn't care. He was nervous I could tell. He was scared. *** Scully was starting to blush. That was the last thing that I wanted her to do. This should be the most natural thing in the world for us. I believe that we were destined to do this, tonight, here, soon. I'm nervous, and I'm scared of losing my best friend. She has been there always, and I'd hate to lose that. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with me. We were always eachother's safety blanket. Right now I realized though, that I need to show her I'm here with her. And scared. To lose her, to scare her, to love her, to make love to her. I was scared. I moved down the couch towards her and looked into her blue eyes. She didn't look away. She was ready. I could see that. She was fighting it though. When had Scully not fought? I had to ask her, "Was there ever a time you imagined this?" "Yes, I've fantisised making love with you for a long time Mulder." "Me too." I replied to that, letting a small smlie slip. "Is there anything that you want? How did you fantisize it to be like Scully?" "You and I are talking it through, and I feel totally comfortable with it, and there are candles all over the room, then you kiss my mouth slowly for a long time then you slowly do the rest. I cry after because it's my dream come true and you hold me tight all night." I got up and walked towards the kitchen, and then to the bedroom, I know I spoiled the moment, but when I was finished I knew that Scully was going to love what she saw when she finally sees it. I sat back down with Scully and she forced that smile again. I didn't want to make another move tonight. I already thought I pushed it enough by starting everything tonight. I waited patently for Scully to make a move. She was staring at my face. *** I felt like I finally had permission to look at Mulder. Soon he was going to become mine, so I wanted the last minutes as only partners and best friends to remain sacred to the both of us. I decided to pull a little closer towards Mulder. Then we embraced. It wasn't like the hugs that we gave eachother before tonight. It was a meaningful hug. Mine saying "I'm happy I found this love in you." and his answering with "I need you to hold me longer." I did. Anything he wanted I'd give to this man. He was my world and everyone and everything in it. If he wasn't there, I wasn't either. Together. That's what we were even before we met, that's what we were when we were partners, that's what we are now and that's what we will be later. Together. This embrace told everything that we were not able to speak to eachother. I moved my head towards the front of his beautiful, scared face. He forced the smile this time, as a single tear ran down my cheek. I was crying now. This was beautiful. This was love. This is what it felt like to be in love. I could understand it now. I had never been in love before, Mulder was making me realize this easily. *** It was the first time I ever saw Scully really smile with happiness. I made her happy. She was crying for the love we have. I could tell, she was in love. Just like I was. In love with the God's miracle. Beautiful Dana Scully, who's now in my arms, waiting for me to make the most meaningful, beautiful, and blissful love I would ever and could ever make. To the woman of my everything. I hope she knew. I knew she did. Her tears were running steadily now. Poor things we are. Love overtaking and paralizing us in eachother's arms. *** Mulder I can't stop I think. I can't stop crying. Mulder starts to kiss my wet cheeks. Kiss away the tears. But they don't stop falling. My eyes have never seen anything more beautiful. "I can't stop Mulder." I say. "Don't try to stop them." Mulder says. I move my mouth towards his soft and slow. Our lips meet. Tenderly they tingle lightly. My mind goes blank, my heart stops beating, my eyes flutter shut, my hand gentily touches his cheek, then moves into his hair. I start breathing again. Our lips are still barely touching, they meet together open, and wet. We start kissing longer and faster. What a miracle? To be able to kiss then man I love. After seven years, to show him the love I have. What a miracle. We don't stop kissing. Our breaths are taken in eachother's mouths as we can't seem to pull away. I am addicted to Mulder's kiss, I realize. That makes me kiss even harder. Oh Dana, look at yourself. You and Mulder are finally together. Your dream ahd come true. The one you never imagined would. I open my eyes to watch Mulder while I still keep our kissing passionate and burning. He has his eyes closed, as if he can sense me watching him he opens his eyes too. We continue kissing while we watch eachother. He looks at my eyes and I look at his. We start to burn at all the places we are in conact. our mouths, his hands on my face and neck, my hands on his cheast and hair, and our eyes. He told me with his eyes that he was burning all over,and I was too. He pulled away from me suddenly, and that gave me a small shock. He grabbed my hand, and again, a million surges ran through his into mine. He took me to the bedroom and I gasped in surprise. There were candles all around the room. Everywhere. Candles were all the light yet the room was so bright. "Is this like your fantisy Scully?" All I could do was nod my head. I was shocked. It was beautiful. He had music playing in the background, probably the radio. I couldn't care less. It was beautiful. I turned towards him. I studied his face. His sparkling eyes were my window into the whole man that surrounded me now. His hair, so rumpled and sexy. I loved his body. I've always wondered the taste and feel of his skin. I want to most of all get into his heart. I want to introduce it to mine. I want to see a miracle happen tonight. I told his face, his body, his mind, his everything, I told everypart of him that moment, I'm ready for you Mulder, I will not go back. *** Scully studied me closely, and I let her as long as she needed to to know she was finally ready. I looked into her eyes now and saw that there were no longer tears there. They were gone now because she was accepting the feeling, the love she had just found. I was in every way ready for her. I was ready to feel her in my arms. I was ready to her cries of pleasure surround me, and I was ready to tell her heart that I'd be good, gentle and treat it right always. We once again started kissing. This time though, we started off hard and fast. And we started walking towards the bed. I didn't feel right laying her down. Too possessive for Scully. I wanted it to feel right to her. She realized what I was thinking and she sat on the edge of the bed. I walked over kneel down infront of her. As if I were talking to a samll child I asked. "Are you nervous Scully?" "Yes Mulder, terrifyed." "Of me?" "No, of the change" "This one is good Scully...a beautiful gift from God" "You believe that Mulder? It's from God?" "Scully, how can I make love with the woman I'm in love with, and not think that God finally blessed me." "Are you nervous?" "Yes, of the time when you say you don't want me anymore." "I'll never do that Mulder. You know that. This is my wish remember?" "It's mine too. I never got to tell you that." "Your beautiful Mulder" "Your beautiful Scully." *** I needed to help Mulder feel that he can do anything to me now. I'm not forbidden anymore. I'm his now. I moved right back to the top of Mulder's bed by the pillows and waited for him to approach me. When he finally did there was a tear escape from his eye and it dropped on my forehead. He leaned over to kiss it off. Then he looked me in the eyes again. He was right on top of me now. One leg on each side of me he kissed my mouth many times. I realized that it doesn't matter how many times he does that, I always light up with flames. He wouldn't move from that position. He was frozen there. I realized Mulder was genuinely scared to touch my body. It's all yours now. I wanted to say, but I couldn't get enough air. Instead I took his hand and gently placed it over my breast. He opened his eyes, and looked surprised, almost like, he forgot that we weren't the old Mulder and Scully anymore, we were the partners, friends, and now beginning to become lovers. The candles were burning bright, and the music was on a sweet love song. Mulder started to move his hand on top of me. It felt good, too good, intoxicating. I started to whimper aloud. He liked that he could pleasure me like that I'm sure and he took the nest bit into his own hands. He reached for the bottom of my pyjama shirt that I still had on from the night before and pulled it up over my head. I had no bra on and he could now see my bare breasts. He had seen them about twice before, but this time he seemed amazed by them. I was glad. I wanted him to be happy, and satisfyed with me. *** Oh god, Scully was a gift from you. I stared down at her beautiful breasts that she just let me see. I have permission to these now I couldn't believe. A new part of Scully. I needed more of her now. She was so addicting. I took off my shirt, so that we would be equally naked. I stopped to kiss her again. I pressed my bare chest against hers. I started to run my tounge up hers and then back down. I traced her lips with my tounge, and then she gave me the permission I needed. She looked at my eyes and said "You can...if you want." as she was looking down at her own breasts. I moved down and kissed her neck lightly and then her collarbone and then her chest, as I stop there for a moment to listen to this miracle of mine's heartbeating. She had a fast and hard heartbeat. It almost made me faint at the thought of that little thing keeping Scully, my love, alive. I started to kiss her breast lightly and softly. She started to moan and wiggle from underneath me. I licked the top of it and all around it. I stared at her after that just to see how much pleasure I had just given her. *** Mulder, you don't know what you do to me. I was starting to get ready for him. I could feel how hard he was for me, and I was already, ready for him awhile ago. But we have took everything slow ever since weve knew eachother, why would we rush this? I just wanted to savour every moment, every touch, every taste, every glare, everything about Mulder that I couldn't have before, I wanted now. Finally. I just couldn't believe this is happening. With Mulder. This is unbelievable. This is wonderful. I'm going to have Mulder tonight, I didn't even care about tomorrow, or the other days to come. Tonight was all that mattered to me right now. "Scully, your shivering, are you o.k.?" Mulder asked. "Yeah Mulder, I'm fine...but..um...don't stop...please?" He continued all over me kissing me on top of my legs, with pants on I could feel his warm, wet breath through the cotton. Oh Mulder, your so sexy baby. I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't, not yet. *** I wanted to take it as slow as I possibly could. I wanted this to last into forever. Scully was laying there, before, softly moaning my name with her eyes shut as I moved all over body with kisses. She has a beautiful body. I thought to myself. I love her so much right now. She was shaking under me. I could feel the slow vibrations of her body underneath me. I wanted to make sure she was o.k. with this, I could tell she was, just nervous at becoming my lover, as I was becoming hers. We started to move closer towards the end. Scully pulled me down to lay on the bed beside her. I shuddered at the thought that we were no longer touching in any way, when she finally took my pant's zipper into her hands. She undid it slowly, too slowly, she was looking into my eyes while her hands worked elsewhere. Finally, I started to feel embarrassed standing there infront of my partner, with a hard-on and you could tell. She though, didn't seem to mind much at all. She still didn't touch me though. She just gave me permission to touch her again. "You can Mulder, go ahead." With that I found the edge of her cotton pyjama pants and started to pull them down. My fingers were shaking like hell. 'Settle down.' I tried to tell myself, but it didn't work. How was I supposed to? Look at what is standing infront of me! With shaky hands and all though I finally had her standing infront of me with only a thin pair of silk underware. She seemed a little embarrassed right now. And I don't blame her because I do too. We had one of our long silences again, where wr jsut look into eachother's eyes, and they speak the messages that we can't say. She got up and moved to the very top of the bed. "Come here Mulder." She said, with her voice sounding more sexy then I have ever heard it in my life. She had a certain amount of lust in it. That made me even more turned on. I started to move close to her, I wasn't sure what she wanted me to do. I moved close to her face and we started kissing again. It's impossible to kiss this woman and not feel like I'm going to faint. I thought. It was part of this gift from God, and it was probably the best gift that he could give me. Scully's kiss. *** I wanted him to know that it was o.k. I wanted him to know that I wanted this too. I wanted him to do it how he wanted to. We were kissing again. Somehow it always leaded to that. It was our sweet, peaceful, homebase. I loved his kiss. Without me saying a word, he placed his hand on my inner thigh. Oh Mulderrr... You are the love of my life. I was waiting for you forever. This has to be a dream. I told myself. It wasn't. It was reality now. No longer in my dreams of lovemaking, and I'm sure that I was in his. Now here we were. Together, and it was real. Too real. This was it. I told myself, ahile he was moving his hand up to my center. Oh God, what a gift! His fingers gentily pulled my panties down my legs and tossed them to the floor. He was trying so hard not to look. Not too look at what he had just revealed to himself. I showed him that it was o.k. by kissing his mouth one more tender time. His eyes looked down, then looked back up. They moved all over me and I could feel them. Mulder's eyes were looking at me laying there naked on his bed. Oh, God. Mulder. He reached and touched me softly. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I decided just to shut them, and remember that this was Mulder! His fingers were moving all around my core. Up then back down with no pressure at all. I started to get embarassed at how much wetness must have been there, but he didn't mind. He was only gentle, and it was killing me. I ws pounding for him to be more rough. I couldn't wait any more. *** Scully was very relaxed I could tell. She had her eyes open watching my hand stroking her repeatedly. She would smile at the feeling every once and awhile. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to. This was Scully, she liked it, she needed it, and I wanted to give it to her. I love her. I did that for what seemed like forever. Finally she opened her eyes after I pulled away to see where her pleasure went. I layed down and rested my face in her. I started to lick her wetness into me. I did it slowly, and hard. She was moaning this time and it gave me butterflies when I realized what I was doing. To Scully of all people. I have given other women oral sex before, but this was way different. Scully was sweet and I wanted to make this last. It wasn't just foreplay, it was finding out a new part of my partner's body, and giving it pleasure. Before, I would eat my girlfriend out to get her ready for my pleaure, and that was the only purpose. But this had actual meaning, and Scully knew that we could stop anytime if she wanted to. I enjoyed watching her groan and whisper my name. I didn't stop, and I didn't want to. I started a steady pace, and a steady movement. Circle, circle, up and down. She sounded like she was crying with pleasure.Finally, "Oh Mulderrr...you have to stop..." I knew exactly what she meant. And I was glad that she felt the same way. I wanted us to come together. Are whole world was together. Everything about us together, and this shouldn't be any different. I looked up at her and she was already smiling. She let a little giggle slip as I looked at her. My saliva, and her wetness running down my face. I smiled too. Now, I guessed, it is my turn. *** Mulder looked so cute. He was utterly exhuasted and his chin was all wet. What a sweetie. I wanted to bring him to the point that I just came to. I wanted to give back all the pleasure that he had just given me. I owed it to my partner. I told him to lay down on the bed. He needed to rest. I couldn't believe still, that this was actually happening. It was unreal. If I would have seen this about a year ago, and saw now what we are doing, I would have been shocked out of my mind. I'd probably run. But that was then. And this is definitely now. We had switched positions now. I was on top of him, strattling him with my naked body. For a moment I felt foolish, but it was Mulder and I here, only, nothing to feel foolish about. I started to pull his boxers down. First I couldn't look at what I was doing. Too intese for Mulder. But when I realized that his eyes were shut, I looked. He was beautiful. It gave me chills, this is real Dana. This is real. Real. Real. Mulder. Real. As I took him in my hand I looked up at his face. His eyes were still closed, but as I took his all, in my hand, his mouth opened wide and his eyes squinted hard. "Awwwwww...Scuuully..." He moaned. I wanted this I realized. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to give something back to Mulder after all he's given to me. I owed him everything, this was only one small price, but it felt good to pay it off. I went slow, up and down. I wanted him to feel the pain, and the urge, that I felt when he had his way with me only minutes ago. I went too slow. I knew it, but I needed him to know. Know that I was wanting it too, bad, and after this slow foreplay, we can make fast, hard, love. I think that he knew it already though. I didn't want to pick up the pace. And I didn't. I decided to finally take in my mouth. I smiled at thought. I gentily placed him at my lips, I opened them slowly to take as much of him as I could, in. He was moaning my name name now I could hear. My eyes shut. I wanted to go fast and make him come in my mouth, but I didn't. We had decided without words, that we were going to save our climaxes for later. I pressed my lips tigher when I remembered that this was Mulder. Mulder! Holy shit! Mulder is in my mouth! He started to raise his hips up to make me go harder, this was getting too frantic. We were too hot right now. Getting too into it. Mulder is going to come. I thought. I had to, even though I didn't want to, take him out. "Oh Scully...why...?" "You...(breath)...know Mulder....why..." I was so out of breath I couldn't talk. We knew finally that this was it. The end of our hiding, the end of our waiting, the end our wanting, the end of our hurting, the end of our innocence. He lay still at the top of the bed, while I was sitting at the bottom, trying to figure out what we should do now. I walked over to the C.D. player. I could feel his eyes watching my naked body walk. I felt a smile again approach. I needed everything to be perfect. This was it. Seven years later. We were going to make love. Scully and Mulder. Mulder and Scully. I looked through my C.D.'s with a trembling body. I didn't know what kind of music Mulder liked to listen to at home, but I found the most perfect one, one that I'd never think Mulder would have. I put it in and put on number 7. Music filled the room. This song had a very deep meaning to me. It was about two friends who become lovers, then one passes on. It reminds me of the nightmares I used to have some nights, of Mulder dying. Then it also showed me that he is here now. And he's now going anywhere. But if he ever does or I ever do, he can know that "My Heart Will Go On." I listened to the words quietly. "Your here, There's nothing I fear, And I know that, my heart will go on, We'll stay forever this way, You are safe in my heart and, My heart will go on and on." Mulder's with me now. That's all I need. I thought. Even if he goes tomorrow. I have him tomight. I put the song on repeat and layed down beside him. He turned around and put his arm around me. "Nice choice of music." I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not but I didn't care. It had meaning. I looked at him and for the last time, we kissed. Our mouths came together hard. His tounge pushed inside mine and I could taste myself on his lips. We kissed to show all the want for years. We were meant to be together. We were now and now, finally, it was time to make love. We pulled apart. I felt faint. I saw the room spinning quickly. Mulder started to move on top of me. His hands and legs on either side of me. This is it Scully. This is it Scully. This is it. This is it. Mulder. Mulder! "Mulder!" I screamed. He hadn't even moved yet. He looked at me scared by my scream. "What's the matter?!" "This is it." Is all I wanted to say. I wanted him to know that. "This is it." He repeated. "Just rememeber Scully, your always going to be my best friend before your my lover. We can always be together that way. Friendship never dies." A tear fell from my eye. I didn't want to cry now. Not now. Then I felt a tear fall from above me. Mulder was crying too. This was it. With our thoughts we told eachother to shut our eyes. We both closed them, and Mulder didn't move into me, I didn't move into him, we somehow just were there. Connected, by God, by something. He was inside me. Our eyes opened at the same time. This is what is like to make love. We both thought. We never had made love before with anyone. This was it. He was holding me tightly when he started to thrust gentily into me, but never taking himself out of me. We were smiling together as Celine sang, the candles flickered and the heavens wept. "What do you...think...God is thinking...Scully?" Mulder asked whispering. "The two creatures that He created for eachtoher, are finally mating. He's thinking, 'What a beautiful sight.'" I managed to say. I could see colours, millions, of colors. Then I saw the water. Rushing so fast between my toes. I saw millions of sparkles, so many colours. I saw the stars, they were bright and glowing in the night sky. I saw Mulder finally, I saw him when he was young, old, and now. I saw him when we first met. I saw him when we solved our first case. I saw him when we first kissed. I saw many things while we made love. Then I opened my eyes and saw Mulder now. His eyes were shut, his face was serious and he was so gentile. He was now my lover. We started thrusting faster with passion. They both knew that this a precious gift. To be making love to the person your in love with, after only dreaming of it for years. Tears escaped both of their eyes, hard and fast. They were moving in sync with the music and with eachother. So hard and meaningful they couldn't stop even if they tried. God wouldn't let them. After all this was it. I could feel myself beginning to plunge into the edge. I was beginning to come. I was hoping that Mulder was almost there too because I couldn't wait much longer anymore. I loved him inside me. Finally he let go of my hands that he was holding so tightly and opened his eyes. "This is it." He said squinting. I knew what he meant. I realized then how much Mulder and I have always been together. Everything always came together. But this was the most beautiful thing that ever came together. I screamed out as loud as I could, "Mulllllllllllllllllddddddddddeerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!" As my hips locked and I throbbed hard. I had never in my life came with so much definition, and purpose. I still wasn't finished when she screamed. "Daaaaaannnnnnnnaaaaaaa!!!!!!!" He used my first name. We came forever together. Inside me he came hard and that made me want to come again. We stayed together the whole time. To scared to part now. We couldn't stop making love. This was it. Mulder was in me. END Author's thanks: This fanfic was something that I've been wanting to do for a long time. I was getting really sick of reading fanfics that just didn't sound like Mulder and Scully. I hope that mine, was more realistic. I would like to thank a lot of people who didn't help me...I did this on my own. But helped me in some way to have the guts to write a fanfic. First of all I'd like to thank my stepdad. He'll never read this because I don't want him to read all the NC-17 stuff and know that it cam from my mouth, but I'd like to thank him for introducing me to the show called The X-Files. Without him I would never have found X-Files or wrote this fanfic. Thanks! Then I'd like to thank, one of my best friends, Stacey, for telling me that I should write a fanfic. It's probably not what you thought I'd write eh? But half the things I couldn't write even if it is rated NC-17. We probably have the most sick minds in the world you and me you know that?!? Remember, "Shove the d*c# in her..."? yeah right! You think that I'd write that?!? Thanks "Honeybunch" from your "Poopyhead" Then there is my friend Shannon, I've never met you in person, but our talks over the Internet have made me feel like I know you. I hope that you liked my story, if you didn't you can tell me! But you were the first person I EVER met that is as obsessed as me.-Kerry Then there's my "Buuuddy." You were a part of my loving X-Files, and even though you probably won't read this, because it's too long. I had to thank you anyway! Then there is Chris Carter. Your show has taught me everything that I know about love. I am only 15 and I already know what love is. Mulder and Scully do have a real love and if they don't ever get together...I'll cry my eyes out! I know that X-Files has changed my life. And I'll never forget, what a happy person it has made me! Thank you! Please, I'd love to get feedback from anyone!!! If you liked it PLEASE tell me! My E-mail is: tommygurlie@alloymail.com Tell me if you think I should make a sequel...