********************************************************************* This author's e-mail address has changed to: rainydays@softhome.net ********************************************************************* From: =?iso-8859-1?q?Angharad=20Wade?= Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2002 13:25:00 +0000 (GMT) Subject: Thoughts by Angharad Source: direct TITLE: Thoughts AUTHOR: Angharad E-MAIL ADDRESS: sweet_roses_2000_uk@yahoo.co.uk DISTRIBUTION: No Archive. Story will be on my website at http://uk.geocities.com/little_corner_2000/ SPOILER WARNING: During and post ep En Ami, minor reference to Pilot RATING: PG - a few swear words CLASSIFICATION: Vignette, Scully POV KEYWORDS: S, CSM DICLAIMER: I don't own the characters from the X Files; they are the property of Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. SUMMARY: Scully's thoughts and feelings during and after her trip with Cancer Man. AUTHOR'S NOTES - Thanks to Inside the X for the En Ami script and to Chris Carter for a wonderful episode that stayed in my memory...*very big grin* Big thanks to Kate and Christine for being my beta readers :) Thoughts PART 1/2 What on earth possessed me to pick up the phone and dial that number? I can't trust that man, not after all he's done to Mulder and me. I remember the words he said to me after I unceremoniously threw him out my car. I chuckle at that, but I become sombre again as I go back to my original line of thought - he told me that he was doing God's work and that he saved Jason McPeck's life and my own. Why? I can answer that one I think, because we're pawns in his ruthless game, Mulder and I, and he enjoys holding power over us, snatching the truth away at the last moment. I can't think about that now. I need to decide if he's telling the truth; is he dying? I should think so, with all those disgusting cigarettes he smokes but if he is dying then it serves him right. I doubt he wants to share his secrets with me and right his wrongs; it was just a ruse to catch my attention... but a cure? I can't ignore that; I'm a scientist, I need to know if there is a cure - it could save millions of people. ======================= I enter a large building to see a guard confronting me. I must have got the wrong building but logic tells me I haven't - he wouldn't give me a fake phone number would he? But then I decide I can't go through with it but the guards won't let me go. To my surprise he gives me a visitor's pass. He must be expecting me, damn him. I'm now in his office and I find he wants to use me to help clear his slate, to make him a respectable person. Well I won't do that! I think, angrily, why should I help you? But I remain composed on the outside. He wants me to go on a trip with him?! On my own? Without Mulder? He has a nerve, I'll give him that, but a cure for Cancer... maybe he means what he says about doing something in service to man before he goes... ======================= The phone rings and its Mulder, like I suspected. I have to force myself not to automatically pick up the phone. It hurts doing this to him but I have to know and we're both safer if he doesn't know what's going on. Anyway he'll find out soon enough I think, as I check the wire hidden in my bra - I just hope Cancer Man doesn't find out; I doubt he'll hesitate to kill me if he knows I'm carrying a wire. ======================= I'm now driving to God knows where - he won't tell me. He says that I think he's heartless, that I question his sincerity and he wants my trust. Well what he says is true, but I'll never trust him. He says that he's always had a particular affection for me and it's special because he held my life in his hands and now I can do the same. That makes me uncomfortable because who has the right to decide who lives and who dies? No one is God. Would I be able to make those decisions? If I could, I would become like him, everything I despise. No, I would rather save people who can be saved. I am a doctor after all. Damn him for creating this war in my mind. We don't speak for a time. I'm glad; it gives me time to mull over this war in my mind before he speaks again, for I know he will. When he does speak again though, it catches me off guard though I try not to show it. He confirms my suspicions that he has been watching me from the start, since I was first partnered with Mulder - I remember seeing him pass me in the corridor. He says that he would like to make an observation if I permit him to. I don't, but I say nothing and glare at him instead. He goes on to say that I'm drawn to powerful men but I fear their power. I keep my guard up, a wall around my heart. How else do I explain that fearless devotion to a man obsessed, and yet, a life alone? I'd die for Mulder but I won't allow myself to love him. That makes me uncomfortable. He's close to the mark but it's not true that I don't love Mulder - I do, with every fibre of my being but I have to keep a wall around my heart to protect myself - to maintain the professionalism that I've worked so hard to create. If he did know how much I love Mulder, it would just be another weapon to use against us and I have to protect us the only way I know how - with detachment. But I don't correct him, I just say, "Wow. I'm learning a whole other side to you. You're not just a cold-blooded killer, you're a pop psychologist as well," in an attempt to cover up my discomfort. I don't think he notices, but who can tell with that man? I pull off onto a small road and stop outside a house as directed. According to him, it belongs to Marjorie Butters who I can see is tending to her garden and looks to be 60. He tells me that he's her angel and she's 118 years old. I'm sure my disbelief is showing on my face. I watch them greet each other with a laugh and a hug - they seem to know each other well but as we go up the steps to her house, I notice the scar at the base of her neck. He notices what I've noticed and says to me, "To have this power... to visit this woman and see her joy... must be why you became a doctor." How can you assume why I became a doctor? I angrily think at first, before the proof in front of me sinks in. He must be telling the truth but how do I know it's not just some elaborate set-up? Unsure of myself I enter her house with him behind me - I don't like that, I'm too exposed but I push those feelings aside. ======================= I excuse myself to the bathroom at some gas station, knowing that Mulder must be worried after my phone call to Skinner, especially since I wouldn't talk to him - I couldn't. I quietly speak into the wire to Mulder, pacing around the small bathroom in front of the mirror, checking that the stalls are empty and willing him to understand why I did this before taking the tape out and putting it into a envelope addressed to him. I hide the envelope in my hand and as I walk out, I bump into an attendant, startling myself. For a moment I thought it might have been Cancer Man. I calmly post the tape, hoping he hasn't seen me, before getting into the car. He appears to be driving now and tells me that we've got a good drive ahead. Eventually the sound of the car travelling over the bitumen road lulls me to sleep. Thoughts PART 2/2 I wake to find myself in bed, in my pyjamas. I sit up abruptly and thoughts go flying through my mind; how did I get here? How did I get into these clothes? Did he change me? The wire! I look down to find I'm still wearing my bra with the wire intact. I lead to the conclusion that he changed my clothes and he knows about the wire, yet he hasn't killed me. I remember falling asleep in the car but if I didn't wake up when the car stopped like I usually do then he must have drugged me, I think angrily. The logic in me says that I was tired enough not to wake up because of the driving I'd done but I push those thoughts aside and set about packing my suitcase and getting dressed. I acknowledge that I'm not listening to my logic because I'm angry at myself at having being so careless, letting him know I'm wearing a wire. I walk into the kitchen, I assume, carrying my packed suitcase, not caring if I look pissed off because I am. He says that he carried me into the bedroom because I had been up for over 30 hours and was delirious. Bullshit, I think to myself. But the doctor in me admits that it's possible. I'm still angry and I storm out of the cabin after finding out that we're in Milford, Pennsylvania. It wasn't part of the deal. What are you up to? I think, even though I've already asked him that question, with no answer of course. He follows me and has the gall to say, "Keys are in the ignition. You're free to go, of course. The choice is still yours." Damn him, he knows I won't, not until I get the answers. I walk back into the cabin, avoiding eye contact, still angry but I'll be damned if he knows that. ======================= I must admit I was surprised when he gave me a black dress to wear to dinner tonight to meet our contact - our? His. I suppose I have to wear it. It is beautiful. How did he know my size? I would have thought that was obvious I mock myself; with all the surveillance he's had on Mulder and me from the start. ======================= I walk up to the table, wearing the dress, him at my side. The silence between us is awkward to say the least, unlike the comfortable silences between Mulder and myself. He tells me that the cure is a cure to all human disease - did I hear right? And that it's largely extraterrestrial. That would be right. Imagine if Mulder was here. Don't think about him Dana, I chide myself. He leaves the table. I wonder why? But a note on my table reading, "Calico Cove, first light of day" then preoccupies my thoughts. I look around to see who the messenger may be but there's no one there. I'm slightly troubled, is it Cobra? The contact that never appeared? ======================= It's now the next day and I'm on the dock to go to Calico Cove. He's there on the dock too, telling me where to go. Why doesn't he join me? I still don't trust him. He tells me to be careful. I shoot him a withering look. Another motorboat approaches me and I assume its Cobra. He says, "finally we meet," and that I'm exactly like I described - what is he talking about? I'm sure my confusion is showing on my face but he doesn't question who I am until I ask him questions of who developed this science and where it came from. Before my eyes he's shot and I try to check his body for any signs of life but another shot echoes around the lake, this time at me, so I duck, trying frantically to start the motor. I succeed and head back to the dock, slightly pissed off that he was shot before I could get some answers and that Cancer Man must have known about this. I get back to the dock and say to him, "You told me that no one else knew about this," after telling him that Cobra was killed and that I was shot at. He says, "I wouldn't have sent you if I thought there'd be any danger." Bullshit. Before that he asked me if I've got the disk so he must have known that this would happen. I slap the disk into his hand and turn away. He gives it back to me. Well I'm not taking any chances so I walk away quickly saying, "I've got to go." ======================== I'm in Mulder's apartment, sitting on his couch, waiting for the Lone Gunmen to access the disk on his computer. Mulder is standing in the doorway but refuses to make eye contact with me. It hurts, though I understand why. It's not the fact that I ditched him but the fact that I allowed Cancer Man to take me on a trip, on my own. He must have been worried, but Frohike saying, "There's nothing on this" cuts off my thoughts. I get up to check the computer saying, "No, it can't be. It can't be. It's got to be on there." Was all this for nothing? Mulder, who's now closer to the computer, finally meets my eyes when I look over at him, but I see nothing but sympathy in those hazel eyes. ======================== We're back at Cancer Man's offices, but they're empty. "He was here! These were his offices. What the hell is this?" I protest. "He used you." "Mulder, he laid it all out for me. I recorded it. I mailed you the tape." Mulder just nods. I then realise he didn't get the tape. "This old woman, Marjorie Butters, I met her. I saw her pictures, her birth certificate..." I continue. "You saw what you needed to see in order to make you believe." I acknowledge that I need to see the proof but... "Well, then what about this boy? This boy with Cancer? You can't deny that. That's undeniable proof." I'm aware that I sound like Mulder, trying to convince him the evidence that's there. "Even if we could convince his parents to let us march him out, how long before that chip in his neck mysteriously disappears? This was the perfectly executed con, Scully. The only thing I can't figure out is why you're still alive." So I was right. That explains why he said, "forgive me" when he gave me the disk; he must have switched them but I'd turned my back so I didn't see him do it. It was all a set-up yet... "Mulder, I looked into his eyes. I swear what he told me was true." "He did it all for himself - to get the science on that disk. His sincerity was a mask, Scully. The man's motives never changed." "You think he used me to save himself - at the expense of the human race." "No, he knows what that science is worth, how powerful it is. He'd let nothing stand in his way." "You may be right... but for a moment, I saw something else in him. A longing for something more than power. Maybe for something he could never have." I recall what he said to me, "I've been a destroyer all my life. Before I die, I'd like to prove that I'm capable of something more." ===================== I'm in my apartment, sitting cross-legged on my comfortable sofa wearing flannel pyjamas and my dressing gown, musing over the conversation I had with Mulder outside Cancer Man's empty offices. It's dark and the comforting noise of the traffic outside my window calms me. I recall Mulder saying he can't figure out why I'm still alive and it all makes sense - why Cancer Man didn't go in the boat - he knew about the shooter. I think he planned to kill me too, but in the end he didn't. Maybe because of his affection for me. Maybe because he knows what it would do to Mulder. But I still don't understand - why go to all the trouble in the first place? I know there was something on that disk, what he said was on there, yet he kept it. He used me to get the disk but I'm too tired to feel angry - emotionally and physically. I sigh; I know I'm not going to get anywhere tonight, but one thing's for sure, I know I saw something else in him, in his eyes. Maybe he is trying to right some of the wrongs he's made. I don't think anyone will ever know, I don't know if he himself knows. I get up to drag myself to bed, not feeling guilty of having gone on the trip with him but aware of the irony - I was the believer and Mulder the skeptic in a way. I know I'm harder to convince, so Cancer Man went to so much trouble, partly answering my earlier question. If it was Mulder, he might have brushed him off seeing as he thinks he's in league with the devil or he's the devil himself, depending on how he feels about him, which depends on what Cancer Man's done, I reflect. I still realise I can't answer all my questions tonight, if ever, but I finally crawl into bed and allow sleep to consume me. The End ===== A Little Corner - http://littlecorner.bravepages.com/index.html Visit my other X Files sites there too :)