From: "Leslie Cummings" Date: Tue, 19 Nov 2002 02:34:57 +0000 Subject: To All of the Geniuses Source: direct Title: To All Of The Geniuses Author: Barenaked Bostonian Rating: PG-13 Category: Angst, MSR, H Spoilers: Elegy, and lotsa other ones! Feedback: Hellllz yes! BNLXPhile12@aol.com OR Scully9485@hotmail.com Disclaimer: This is getting old. Fuck it. Distribution: Put it in a cannon and shoot it alllll over the net. Dedication: To all women who have been mistreated by any guy at any time... ever! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Summary: Guys, listen up, here are a few tips to keep in mind when going after the woman of your dreams. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ To: AllMenEverywhere@mysogeny.com, LordManHammer2@LoneGunmenl.com, JFB@LoneGumen.com, Spyram007@LoneGunmen.com From: FMulder@fbi.gov Subject: To All Of The Geniuses Guys, listen up, here are a few tips to keep in mind when going after the woman of your dreams. You have to love her, and I mean really really love her, to do what I'm proposing here. Whether she knows it or not, doesn't matter. Now some of this may not make sense, but bear with me please. Hopefully, you haven't made the mistake that I have. And I don't mean little petty mistakes. Sure, you forgot her birthday, your anniversary. But did you forget that she had cancer and was dying, barge in on her and demand her to do an autopsy at nine o'clock in the evening? Thought not. Now I know that you *all* respect them for what they have to say and *listen* to them... but I really *really* listen. I mean, every word that she says is of value to me. Never know when an alien is going to snatch her away from her. Eh, ignore that last sentence. See, I thought that she *knew* I was a very intelligent male. But I tend to second guess her alot... and then she turns out to be right. It's not a pretty sight. And she's smart, I mean, wow she's smart, but she tends to look over certain key details, and I end up correcting her. It isn't pretty really. I should stop doing that. I tend *not* to have a way with words, which is how some guys are, right? I mean, stuttering, spitting, tripping over carefully planned words. Yes, that's me, Oxford grad who can't speak words past goo and gah. So she'll get pissed off. I leave her with work, I ditch her. And I don't mean ditch her on weekends when we have a date (oh, by the way, we never have had a date, which is odd in itself)... I mean ditch like run off to another state in the middle of the night and don't even bother to phone her and tell her where I'll be. For someone who claims to have no feelings for me (or I assume so) she really is worried sick. God, does she need to know *every* *last* *detail*? It's like we're married without any of the benefits. Anyway, back on track. Aside from these things, I do worship the ground she walks on. I do care about her, what she has to say, what she had lunch, what perfume she's wearing, when she leaves the office and the precise moment she comes back. Things she doesn't recognize. But that's that. I'm not making any moves to *show* her how I feel so I really can't complain. What *am* I waiting for? But what I was getting at, was that you guys should realize what you have when you have it. Don't think about petty things like government conspiracies, missing family members and your salary. See her when she's in front of you. LEARN TO APOLOGIZE! Even if it's not your fault. It may clear a few things up, a brighter future will be on the horizon. Trust me, I'm a trustworthy guy. Forget about the damn problem that caused the problem in the first place and save youself while you've got the chance. The key is apologizing. And goddamn, try to mean it! They can see right through that shit! Or at least she can, I don't know how intelligent the person you're with is... Buying things does work in some instances, but when you've encountered a stiff and flawless resistance, don't even bother. She won't even give it a glance. You have to show her you *really* REALLY care, that you're really really really sorry. Oh and don't grovel, that's just pitiful, in any instance (unless she demands you do, that's the only loophole.) I mean, don't blow it like I did. Pull your head out of your ass and stop acting like you're a genius. Watch what you say and do, anything can have a double meaning. We're *all* full of ourselves, but we need to get over it. Don't be underhanded, don't let it happen. It can sneak up on you at any moment. Do not fall into the double standard either. Sometimes you can get back out of the pit that you dug for yourself. And please, please, please, don't use the excuse about work. She won't care that you had to work late, work the weekend, work throughout the night so that both of your asses wouldn't be fired on Monday. However, if you do something extremely stupid like I did, you may have to follow a very different set of rules. Now all you can hope for is... well... what you do is... what you do is... Apologize, and see how it goes. *** Oh and if any of you happen to know a one Dana Scully, I would greatly appreciate it that this does *not* come up in conversation. ~Fox Mulder ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Genius (Never Came Through) Clearly I'm a genius If she only knew it But somewhere in her radius I really blew it I know, I know what I said to her And I know what I did What I don't know is how I could ever be So incredibly stupid You don't really need to know every last detail It's hardly worth telling Suffice to say I said that I would be there I never came through Maybe I'm a genius and She just don't see it I fronted I should have admitted She saw right through it I never thought that I could be So underhanded Somehow I've cornered the market on The double standard For this act of genius And so many others I know I should apologize And see how it goes What am I waiting for? Come on, come on, come on, come on Sha la la la la la sha la la la la la la la To all the geniuses... You don't really need to know every last detail It's hardly worth telling Suffice to say I said that I would be there But I never came through. By*~*~Duncan Shiek. End! Finito!