From: KTsBudgie@aol.com
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 1998 14:30:16 EST
Subject: Story submission "To Bed, or Not to Bed", classified Humor

My story submission goes into the humor category.  The title is "To Bed, or
Not To Bed"

KTsBudgie

Title: To Bed, or Not To Bed
Author: KTsBudgie
Date Completed: October 13, 1998
Email: KTsBudgie@aol.com
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Jose Chung's From Outer Space
Keywords: Humor
Synopsis: Scully drags Mulder to the Mattress Barn.  Stuff
happens.

Disclaimer:  I have way too much time on my hands.  Wish they
were mine, though.  Thanks for lettin' me use 'em.

To Bed, or Not To Bed

     Fox Mulder was enjoying a nice, quiet evening with his fish
when all of a sudden, his door flew open.  Mulder, afraid that it was
Them, and They had finally come for him, screamed his girly
scream and hid behind his sofa.  Which was hard to do, because he
had to pull it away from the wall first.
     Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy
thoughts, his mind chanted as the foot steps drew closer.  When he
looked up, though, he felt relieved.  It wasn't Them who had
banged open his door.  I wasn't even Krycek.
     Scully was peering down at him, her hair falling every which
way around her face.  If he didn't know better, he'd swear that her
eyes were twinkling.  "Hi, Scully.  I was just looking for my
remote," he said, feeling around on the carpeting.
     "Here.  Found it for you.  Let's go."  Something hit his backside,
and he discovered the remote control that Scully had dropped down
for him.  Gathering that, along with twenty-six cents, one cell
phone that had been missing for two years, last month's edition of
Celebrity Skin, and a package of sunflower seeds, he stood.
     "Where are we going?" he asked, dropping his new found
treasures on to the black leather couch.
     Scully flipped through celebrity skin, shuddering slightly when
she came upon a picture of a television actor who looked strangely
like Mulder.  Even that damn mole was there . . . .  Tossing away
the magazine, she sent him a bright smile.  "In ten years, you are
going to have so much back pain, you won't be able to stand it.  I'm
making you buy a bed.  A nice one.  Brass, maybe.  With one of
those mattresses that can have the firmness adjusted on both sides."
     "But, Scully, I have a bed," he protested.  "I even used it once. 
After Jose Chung's book came out, I spent the night snuggled under
my comforter, watching home movies of Big Foot sightings."
     Scully shot an eyebrow through the stratosphere, then raced to
the bedroom.  When she came back, her brow had returned to
where it was supposed to be, and a triumphant look had replaced it. 
"Well, Mulder?  You don't have one now.  Where is this bed you
speak of?  Huh?  Where is it now?  Hmm?  Where _is_it_ now?"
she lamented, shaking her head mournfully.
     "It was there.  Maybe the Gunmen took it during any one of the
numerous times I was suspected dead," he suggested, feeding his
fish (something he needed to do on a more frequent basis).
     "Well, Mulder, that's a plausible explanation, but you're not
getting out of this.  Come on."  She grabbed his arm and started
walking.
     "But, the fish . . . ."
     "Leave 'em.  They've lived this long without food.  What's
another three hours?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     The minute that they stepped inside the Mattress Barn, an
unusual glint came into Scully's eyes.  She was a woman on a
mission.  There was no way that she would ever let him leave this
store without purchasing a bed.
     "Ooooh, Mulder, feel this one," she said, testing a mattress for
flexibility.  It was just sproingy enough that when she sat down, she
bounced a little.
     Mulder flopped down beside her, effectively bouncing her to the
floor.  He laughed.  "Yeah, Scully, I like this one."  His laughs died
as she kicked his shin.
     "Too bouncy," she announced, moving on to the next mattress. 
She sat down on the edge, and it didn't give at all.  Mulder joined
her.
     A disgruntled look came across his face.  Together, they said,
"Too hard," and moved on.
     Mulder was beginning to enjoy this.  There was something . . .
pleasurable about shopping for a mattress with his partner.  He
spied one in the corner, covered by a pretty grey checked
comforter.  Before she could protest, he dragged her in that
direction.  He tossed her onto the mattress and quickly joined her. 
They soon discovered it was a water bed.
     "Mulder, you've found just the right one," Scully breathed.
     Things got out of hand after that.  If you stood in the front of
the store, you would see the occasional shoe flying here, or sweater
flying there.  Laughter was heard, also.
     The gig was up, though, when Mulder accidentally did the
unspeakable: he removed the Do Not Remove Under Penalty of
Law tag on the mattress.  The fact that is was a water bed didn't
help, either.
     Both agents jumped up, soaking wet and embarrassed, when an
alarm sounded.  Out of no where, three police officers appeared,
aiming their weapons at the underwear clad FBI agents.
     One of the officers noticed the tag in Mulder's hand, and gasped. 
"This is a serious one, Chief.  It looks like we have to take them
in."
     Despite being Federal Officers, and that they were only in their
underwear, Mulder and Scully found themselves in a jail cell that
was located in the basement of the Mattress Barn store.  They were
facing charges in the Court of Nocturnal Activities for "illicit
behavior while removing a mattress tag".  Maximum sentence: two
years without a bed.
     "See, Scully, I knew there was a reason why I didn't keep that
bed.  They only lead to trouble," he remarked, folding his arms over
his chest.
     Scully sent a glare his way.  "Shut up, Mulder."


finis


So?  Should I have wasted my time?  Send me feedback.  Please. 
I'm begging you. :o)