From: "Siobhan ONeil" <Siobhan@oneil192.freeserve.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 22:08:52 +0100
Subject: Just wanted to submit these few stories

 
Title: To Have and To Hold

Author: Shiv



Category: MSR

Rating: PG-13?

Spoilers: References to most situations up until "Triangle"

Summary: Will Scully ever stop being so stubborn as she and Mulder both
reflect on their relationship?

Disclaimer: Sadly these amazing characters and some of the storylines to
not belong to me but some combination of Chris Carter(you don't
realise how many people's hapiness rest in your hands!!!), Ten
Thirteen Productions and Fox Television. They also belong to the
wonderful David Duchovny(thud!) and Gillian Anderson. 

Author's note: This is my first attempt at fanfiction so please bear
with me. You know that way when something sounds so good in your head
but then everything goes haywire when you try to write it down? Well
that's kind of what happened here I guess but I hope you like it. I
felt the need to move the X-Files on a little because in my opinion that
would enable Mulder and Scully to have a better relationship. I know
that parts a little hazy but I am not (unfortunately) the great Chris
Carter. So enjoy. And PLEASE SEND FEEDBACK. God or Bad. Please. Just
don't make me beg .

I wanna thank my mate Claire(Wilma) for the cool quote that she used in
her english essay and all my friends, Claire, Diane, Kit Kat, Jennie,
Lauren! and JoJo for putting up with my x-f talk. I love you guys. Also
to Rory.




Feedback: siobhan@oneil192.freeserve.co.uk


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Scully- you're my one in five billion"- Fox Mulder

"Even though the strongest emotion - true love =96 may endure, without
expression of that devotion, it would be as well that it did not
exist."- Claire Mooney (Wilma)

"Scully, may I have this dance?" asked Mulder smiling that lopsided grin
of his.

Scully raised one eyebrow at him. "You can dance?" she asked.

"Hey don't be so surprised. Old Spook's a pretty good dancer
y'know Scully. Come on." And he held out his hand to her.

As Scully took his hand and stood up it occurred to her that she was
surprised at Mulder's behaviour. She couldn't believe her ears when
he'd asked her to attend his cousin's wedding. She didn't even
know that he had any family, lest alone any that he saw. But he had
simply dropped this little bombshell on her as they sat sifting through
some paperwork in their new office. At first she had thought that he was
joking but as she had realised he wasn't she found herself agreeing
half-heartedly. Things had been difficult for them both recently. They
both knew that things had changed since Texas and the virus. Since their
painful conversation in the hallway before Scully had been stung by that
bee. She had never seen him look more frustrated in all their years
together. She knew that they would have kissed had it not been for the
bee and, to be honest, she didn't quite know how she felt about that.
It had been quickly assumed by both of them within the first few weeks
of their partnership that it was never to be anything more than platonic
and so it had remained that way over the next five years. Despite, the
fact that they had become closer than any married couple might daringly
hope for neither of them had ever made a move to change things. 

Mulder took Scully's small hand in his and led her onto the dance
floor, swinging her around.

"You want to lead Scully?" he asked. "After all I do know what a
feminist you are."

She only had to give him one of her fuck-with-me-and-I'll-knee-you
in-the-balls looks before he smiled and began to sway gently in time to
the fairly up beat tempo of the music. Scully was a very good dancer; of
course he had expected nothing less from his feisty little partner. He
had been reflecting on their relationship for a long time. At first he
thought it was ever since the episode in Texas which led to Scully being
re-assigned and the dissolving of their partnership. The more he thought
about it, however, the more he realized that it had been for longer than
that. Precisely how long he wasn't sure. Perhaps his sub-conscious had
been thinking about the two of them ever since he had first met her.

He remembered the day he had first met her as though it had been
yesterday, even though it was five and a half, long years ago. Many
things had changed in both their lives since then, namely the death of
Scully's sister, the death of his father, Scully's cancer, Emily and
of course their now steadfast knowledge that there was a government
conspiracy. He had detested himself to the very core during these
difficult times. When he had looked at Scully all he could see was pain
in her eyes and the fact that he had brought that pain to her only made
it more acute. She had re-assured him more times than he cared to
remember that none of it was his fault. That it wasn't him who made
whoever "they" were inflict these awful events and the fact that she
followed him in his pursuits with her eyes open and never felt forced
to. These did not erase the frustration he felt. Not even for a second.
He felt utterly responsible for giving these god-damned people the only
person in his life that mattered to use like a doll- just as they did
with Samantha.

"Mulder?" said Scully speaking softly. "Do you remember the last time we
danced?"

He nodded "The Great Mutato."

She smiled lightly at the memory. "You're actually not that bad a
dancer now I come to think of it Mulder."
"Oh, a compliment from the lovely Agent Scully. I must be privileged." 

"Lean on me,

When you're not strong enough, 

I'll give you strength

I'll help you carry on

Lean on me"

The lyrics of this song seemed to strike a cord from somewhere inside
Mulder and he turned to Scully and looked straight at her, although he
didn't smile. His face was eerily still.

"Jesus Mulder, I hope that not your 'panic' face." She joked
lightly.

But she felt it too. Part of her tried to fight it, but the greater part
of her gave herself up willingly as they held each other's gaze and
their lips started to move towards one another. And they touched. They
kissed for a few moments and then Mulder slowly pressed his body against
hers and began to dip her downward slightly. 

The song ended and they pulled away hastily as couple's began to move
from the dance-floor and back to their seats. Scully felt utterly
bewildered and so it was she who walked in front of him as they returned
to sit down.

"Can I get you a drink Scully?" asked Mulder politely.

"No. Not for me thanks. Excuse me for a moment Mulder. I'm just off to
the Ladies." 

He nodded, relieved as she quickly rose from her seat and walked from
the room. He rubbed his temples in a rounded motion and held his head
wearily in his hands. 'Fuck it you asshole.' He thought to himself
'What have you done?' He knew her so well, probably better than
anyone apart from her mother. And he knew that is she had ever wanted
them to kiss then in the middle of some dance-floor at a wedding was not
the place He jumped up from the table, sharply enough to attract the
attention of those who sat around him. He just nodded politely at their
mystified looks and walked out into the hallway. 

He paced up and down outside the bathrooms waiting for Scully's
emergence. What is it with women? The always took so damn long in the in
the bathroom. She came out a few minutes later and when she saw him she
raised that famous eyebrow in surprise once again.

"Mulder what on earth are you doing?" she asked.

He looked down on her from his 6'1" height and smiled. He would be
lying if he said he didn't like what he saw. Any man would. Many men
on their cases had; Clyde Buckerman, Eddie van Blunht, Leonard Betts and
that annoying bloody crime pathologist what's-his-face Pendrell to
name but a few. She was wearing a dark blue dress and her neck was bare
apart from her tiny gold cross. And again he would be lying if he said
that in his traditional tux they didn't look like a good couple.

"Scully you want to get out of here? Maybe grab a cup of coffee, or
something? Catch a movie?"
"Catch a movie Mulder? What *has * gotten into you? Besides," she said
smiling smugly "you know I'm not into porn."

"I'll let that one slide Agent Scully." He laughed as he helped her on
with her coat. "Coffee it is then." 

Scully could not make sense in this sudden change of behaviour. The kiss
had been, well it had been sensational. Trust Mulder, to be good at
kissing. Funny though it may seem with the appearance of a certain Diana
Fowley on the scene images of Mulder kissing other women were what had
constantly been on her mind. Then she had realised that for her it ran
much deeper than that. She didn't need Mulder physically as perhaps
one might expect but she needed him emotionally, more than she could
ever have envisioned herself needing a person. 

"Hey Fox!"

Mulder and Scully both turned at the sound of this voice. It was Steven,
Mulder's cousin.

"Is that you off already?"

"Yeah Stevo. You know how it is. Business as usual in the morning."
"Really, any interesting cases you want to leak to me?"
"Nah, not much. We're driving cross-country to Texas. Got a little
unfinished business there."

"We're going to Texas?" asked Scully in a voice that suggested that
she was more than a little unhappy about this.
"Yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you. Crime Unit out there wants a word
with us about some the investigation you did out there. Skinner only
told me this morning. Reckons it would be a good break after recent
events."

Scully nodded. 

"Well you guys have fun. And it was lovely to meet you Dana."

"Thank-you, the same to you. You and Natasha make a wonderful couple."

"Well Fox, see you around."

"Yeah later Stevo."

And with a few hearty slaps on the back Scully and Mulder were out of
the door and speeding off to the 403 WEST.

Their conversation in the car was fairly limited. Scully thought to the
next day when they would be driving cross-country to Texas. She still
thanked God, in whatever form he took, for her and Mulder remaining
partners. It had now been two months since Mulder had been able to find
his "truth". Well it was their "truth" now- two months since she was
finally able to present him with the hard evidence he so desperately
needed. His hard evidence had come from within her. From that tiny
computer chip in her neck that had been the cause of so many heartaches.
The Lone Gunmen had finally been convinced to take the plunge and risk
their own lives to help them find the truth. After accumulating the
evidence they needed from the DNA tests on Gibson Praise and presenting
them to a totally dumbfounded FBI panel that included Walter Skinner (
who confided to them both that he had not even "begun to imagine the
horror of this").

Mulder had become almost hysterical as these people were brought to
semi-kind of justice. They knew now that this virus had been stopped and
The X-Files as they were once known had dissolved partly to become "The
Extra Division" of the FBI, which of course incorporated the old X-Files
as well as their new assignments. Mulder and Scully were of course
joint-heads of this but the agents that worked under them were only
allowed limited access to the files. Due to the grave content of them,
particularly the main ones now which had only appeared during these past
few moths of revelations.

Scully had helped persuade Frohike to find out the origin of this chip
and he had gleefully obliged when she had turned on the charm. A charm
that Mulder had never seen her exude before. Scully wasn't prepared
for their findings, but somehow she believed that Mulder was. He had
just nodded gravely as the three men told him of the mass of this
operation. That night had been one of the most dizzying of both their
lives. In fact the weeks that followed it were too. But after the FBI
had set up this unit freeing Mulder to pursue further into the realms of
this now-exposed conspiracy and Scully to dedicate a good proportion of
her time to working on the virus.

There were still many questions that were left unanswered though. Scully
had been freed from all traces of Cancer, that horrible tracking device
and she was working with some of the best Obstetricians in the country
to try and incorporate some of her "few viable ova" with those that
Mulder had discovered. She had started, just last week some sort of new
hormone treatment that they hoped would allow her body to be able to
produce thses ova once again, or at least preserve them. The Doctors had
been curious at first when she had told them that no, she wasn't in a
relationship and no, she wasn't planning on having children right now.
They didn't seem to understand that she did want to have the chance of
becoming a proper mother one day. Since Emily, her priorities had
changed a great deal with motherhood, or what she had deemed to be the
impossible becoming an ever-present factor in her thoughts.

Mulder swung the car into the car lot of a coffee- house fairly near
Scully's apartment and they both climbed out. Scully felt ridiculously
over-dressed for the casual surroundings of this place but Mulder
didn't seem to mind as he whipped of his bow-tie and loosened his
shirt.

"Mulder don't, I think you look kind of cute in a tux" she smiled as
they walked in.

"Are you flirting with me Scully?" He laughed.

He received no apparent reply from his partner. They took a seat in the
corner which of course was traditional of Mulder who always liked to be
hidden from view. The place was not crowded, far from it in fact. Only
about half a dozen tables were occupied. One guy on his own, a few
girls, who looked like they were in collage and the rest appeared to be
couples, having a quiet Saturday night."

"So, Scully, did you enjoy the wedding then?" asked Mulder after he had
ordered a cappuccino for himself and a non-fat de-caf for his partner.

"Yes I did actually. It was fun."

"Yeah I enjoyed myself too. Well as much as one can without the
ever-threatening presence of some shadowy conspiracy figures."

Scully rolled her eyes. 

"Mulder? Sometimes I struggle to find words to describe the bizzare
nature of your personality."

He laughed. "But you wouldn't have it any other way right?"
"Well it's debatable." She smirked. "So what's going on with Texas
anyway?" she asked.

Mulder was about to open his mouth and repeat to her the same monotonous
spiel that Skinner had recited to him over the phone that morning but he
didn't really want to.

"Scully, do you think we could just drop the work talk for one night?
I'm sure we'll have plenty of chances to do that tomorrow during our
drive."

"Okay." She said quietly. "So what do you want to talk about then
Mulder?"

"I don't know Scully. How are you feeling about things these days?"
She was silent for a minute 

"Mulder what has gotten i?" She struggled to find the words to express
her surprise at his sudden openness with her about matters out-with
their work.

"I don't know Scully." He said taking a large gulp of his coffee.
"Maybe I just want to make sure you're okay."



Scully sighed lightly and shook her head.

"What do you mean make sure I'm okay?" She asked.

"I guess I just want to thank you Scully."

"Thank me?what on earth are you talking about Mulder?"

"I couldn't have done it without you Scully. You know that. Done all
of this found the "truth" as we now know at and gotten so close to
finding Sam. I know you've given so much of your life- even risked it
for me and my quest. I just? thanks."

Scully remained silent for a few seconds.

"It's our quest Mulder. And you're welcome. I just wish that we both
didn't have to sacrifice so many things along the way."

"You mean like your cancer, your fertility."
"No, the cancer's cured Mulder and the doctor's are becoming more
optimistic about my fertility. I mean Missy? and Emily."

Mulder just nodded silently. He reached across the table hesitantly and
took her hand gently. She smiled at his gesture and squeezed it
affectionately. They looked at each other for a long time. Each of them
daring the other to see how long they could hold the gaze. Neither one
of them seemed to want to succumb. Mulder laughed gently.

"You look beautiful tonight Scully, really beautiful."

Scully blushed at this hugely uncharacteristic comment form Mulder's
lips and looked away shyly. She was extremely worried now. This
converstion was going places that she didn't know if it should be
going or not.

She stood up. 

"I'm tired Mulder. Do you mind if we head out of here."

"Sure, not problem. We got an early start tomorrow I know."

She nodded slightly and slipped on her coat.

"Ready?" she smiled

Mulder slipped a $10 bill onto the table and they walked out of the
restaurant together. There was nothing he wanted more than to walk out
of that place holding her hand and being able to touch her. He had saw
the shimmer of pain resurface earlier when she had talked of her sister
and her daughter. He hated that look; he felt as though someone were
stabbing him. He knew that he was taking many aspects of their
relationship further- much further than they had ever gone before. But,
somehow he felt ready now to move one. That their unspoken affection was
now not enough for him.

"It's late." Said Mulder as they pulled up outside Scully's
appartment. "I'll walk you up. I do want to be a proper date after
all."

She rolled her eyes but knew better than to say anything. He quickly
hopped out of the car and locked it, following her quick light movements
up the steps. They reached he door and he waited for her to unlock it.

"Would you like to come in?" she asked more out of politeness than
anything else.

He shook his head.

"Scully there's something that I want you to know."
"Yes?"she whispered, half-elated, half-afraid about the words which
were to follow.

"What happened while we were dancing tonight. I don't regret it. I
liked it."

The silence was deadly and hung over them both like a heavy blanket. She
reached out her hand and touched the collar of his shirt. She played
with it for longer than was necessary, unsure somehow of what to do
next. He took his hand and placed it over hers.

"Scully?" he whispered.

She pulled him in slowly and shut the door behind him and made a pained
effort to distract herself from his presence by locking the chain and
rattling it a few more times than appeared sufficient.

When she turned to face him he smiled. She took a step into him and
sighed lightly as she touched his face and leaned her mouth in towards
him. They kissed again. Slowly and sweetly, their mouths fitted together
perfectly. Mulder wished he could take this feeling, bottle it and sell
it. For it surely had to be worth millions. The feeling of her as they
kissed, the feeling of her hands on his knowledgeable but somehow
unloved face. He knew at this moment that he loved her, and always
would.

Scully loved the taste and feel of him so much that she almost felt like
she had been removed form herself. She wanted him near her, around her
and with her every waking moment. The strength of her feelings were so
overwhelming that combined with her still evident shock at the recent
change in Mulder's attitude towards their relationship- and her own.
That she didn't know whether to give herself freely to him or to stop
it here and throw him out before they lost each other for good because
they didn't even know what they were doing. But she didn't have to
decide. Her heart (and Mulder) made that decision for her?



Mulder turned over in bed and he felt the warmth of her body and the
dull sound of her breathing next to him. He felt so incredibly elated.
Last night had been wonderful. That was the only way he could describe
it. Reluctant though he was to move from this position and be torn away
from her beautiful face as she peacefully slept he knew that they needed
to ensure that they checked in with Skinner before they headed off for
Texas. Otherwise questions would be asked of them which he'd rather
not answer right now. He gently lifted her arm from where it rested on
his stomach and sat up and pulled his rumpled white shirt on. 

He knew that it might seem strange to someone who didn't know either
of them well that he actually had a pair of jeans, a couple of t-shirts
and some other items of clothing at Scully's house. They remained
there, however, from the times when Scully had cancer and when his
father had been shot. She had never gave him them back and he had never
asked for them. He grabbed them silently from the cupboard in the hall
and jumped into the bathroom, cautious not to wake her up. He took a
quick shower and changed. 

When he emerged Scully was now fully awake and padding about apartment
in her dressing gown.

"Morning." He said softly.

The look she greeted him with was one that he had not expected- total
embarrassment.

"Hey Mulder. You want a coffee or something."

He leaned over to kiss her on the cheek and she shied away slightly
although she did give his hand a quick squeeze.

He couldn't take this. Why was she doing this to him? Didn't she
know that he loved her? She probably thought that he was some sort of
sex junkie due to all the porn that he watched. Didn't she realise
that he wasn't like that? That it took an incredibly special woman to
be with him.

"We're back to squeezing hands now are we Scully?" he asked trying to
mask the serious nature of his question with a light tome of voice. But
they both knew that it didn't work.

"Mulder? please. Can we talk about this later? I need to pack my bags
for later on. Please."

"Okay." He said simply, backing off. "I'll swing by and pick you up at
about 10pm okay?"
She nodded and he left with a sinking feeling at the very pit of his
stomach.

Scully heard the door click behind him as he left and she wanted to
throw herself down on her bed and cry. She had saw the look of look of
frustration and hurt on his face as she had shunned him and she hoped
that some part of him knew that he was doing it for the best? for both
of them. Otherwise their partnership would never be allowed to continue.
She had never experienced a night like the one she just had. The
inhibitions and doubts that she might had felt before were dispelled the
moment he touched her. 

Now, however, in the colder light of morning, the scientist within her
had started to kick into auto-pilot again and she began at first to
rationalize her actions, and then to list the reason why a relationship
would not work. She had woken up during the night as he slept and the
emotions that she felt while she lay in his protective arms threatened
to overwhelm her. She had savoured it for a few moments before falling
asleep again for she knew that there as no possible way she would allow
herself to experience that feeling again. 

A shower did not help her rambling, in-coherent thoughts and so she
drank some strong coffee, packed her bags for the trip and tried to
regain her "Strictly Rational Agent Scully" composure before Mulder
picked her up. She heard his car pull up outside her apartment and she
pulled on her trench coat and picked up her bags. Her hands were shaking
as she locked the door behind her. "Come on Dana, get a grip of
yourself." She kept saying to herself, over and over.

She smiled pointedly at Mulder as she opened the door to the Blue Lariat
that he had hired for the journey and threw her bag in the back seat.

"All set?" asked Mulder as she buckled up her seat belt and smoothed
down her hair. She nodded wordlessly and he eased the car off down the
road. She didn't know if she was going to last this entire journey
with this atmosphere of fear and frustration that she in particular was
exuding.

They had just stopped for a bite to eat and a coffee off the 412 and
Scully's shift at driving had ceased and Mulder was now at the wheel
again. They had barely spoken during the stop, with Scully excusing
herself to the bathroom, leaving him to purchase the sandwiches, chips
and fruit they had picked out.

Scully concentrated on peeling her banana and eating it, anything to
avoid the glances Mulder kept giving her as her drove. Glances that were
weighed down with feeling and his internal thoughts- glances that on any
other given day she might have sought to analyse. But today she didn't
want to. It was almost as if she couldn't bring herself to. 

Mulder couldn't cope with this strained atmosphere any longer. Hey
indicated at the next lay-by in the road and slowed to a halt.

"Mulder what are you doing?" she asked, finally looking away for her
banana.

"Scully, if you want to forget about what happened last night then I
wish you would tell me. I'd rather you did that than this. But to be
honest I don't see how you could want to forget it. I know that I
can't- I don't want to."

Her emotions had now begun to climax. The great tug of emotions began to
pull at her and threatened to tear her limb from limb as the different
thoughts and voices in her head began to scream at her all at the one
time. There was nothing she wanted more than to tell him exactly how she
felt but she knew that if she did then everything would change. Once
their feelings were admitted to one another then neither of them would
be strong enough to fight on their own against these forces of darker
evil that may well still exist.

'God forgive me for what I am about to say' she thought. 'I have
to say it to protect him'

"Yes Mulder, I think that it is best for both of us if we just forget
about last night. I'm not saying I want to forget it. But it is better
that way."
"How is it?" He asked softly. "How is it better that way?"

She couldn't look at him. She wasn't strong enough, for when she saw
his eyes full of the trust he placed in her and full of all the love
that he knew how to show, she was afraid that her rigid mask of logic
might crack. So instead she stared out of the window at the cars
speeding past them on the freeway and tried desperately to keep her
emotions in check. Mulder reached out for her hand and held it.

"I love you Scully- and please don't say 'oh brother' this time."

"You don't love me Mulder. It's just a natural emotional response
that has been triggered by the culmination of six years of partnership
and the huge emotional ordeal we have been through in those-
particularly recently. It's perfectly common for people to experience
these strong emotions which they often interpret to be love for someone
that are very close to and it is found in the majority of cases that
they change."

Mulder sighed and dropped her hand. "Where did you get that horse-shit
Scully?"

"It's not horse-shit." She said forcefullly. "You've done
psychology, you should know that."

"And since when did these kind of rules apply to us, huh?"

She shrugged.

"Maybe in some cases they do."

"I don't accept that Scully." He said raising his voice. "Why are you
always so afraid to believe. You can believe in your religion but you
can't believe in me. Can't believe in yourself. Can't believe in
us."

"Do you think that is what it's all about Mulder? Can't you see that
we'll be split up again. This time it'll be for good. I'll be sent
to some goddamned field office in the middle of nowhere cutting up
bodies all day and you'll get to investigate the Extra Division by
yourself. But neither of us will get anywhere if we don't have each
other to watch the others back. Something is going to give Mulder."

"You don't know how Skinner and the rest of our superiors will act.
It's different now that the division has expanded. They might not
split us up."

Mulder could hardly believe the pleading tone in his voice. He just
wanted her to forget about logic and procedure for once in her life and
open up to him. Even if she didn't feel as he did. Her constant
reasoning and explanation behind every move that he made to tell her how
he felt about her- truly felt fatigued him. 

"It's not just that Mulder. There's no point and my explaining the
other reasons to you. You already know them. There's too much at
stake."

He shook his head again. "No, Scully."

"IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE MULDER. WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A COUPLE IN
THAT SENSE."

The volume at which she shouted startled him. He couldn't believe how
stubborn she was being. Maybe she just didn't want to be with him.

"I know there's risks?"
"Yes there are Mulder. Risks that I am not willing to take. Now I think
it's best if you just let me out at the next town and I'll make my
own way home. I don't think that Texas is a good idea right now.
Hopefully Skinner will understand."

Mulder said nothing. He just started up the car and pulled it back onto
the freeway. Why was she doing this? Why? He didn't understand. He
didn't even want to understand why she was so determined to defy his
feelings. They had gone too far now. And he knew from the way she was
last night that she had gone there because she had wanted to and no
other reason. Just as he had done. It was like he no longer had a choice
where Scully was concerned. He knew he didn't

Nothing was said for the rest of the journey and Scully couldn't even
bring herself to look at him. For she knew that the pain and frustration
she would invariably see in his face would only echo those feelings that
she too felt within herself. He appeared to be deaf to her wish to be
dropped at the next town and instead he and swung the car around and
made it back to Washington before darkness had even begun to fall.

Her apartment was cool when she entered- refreshing against her cheeks
on the humid evening- she had obviously forgotten to switch off the air
conditioning. Scully threw her bag onto the bed- she couldn't be
bothered unpacking it right now. She changed out of her suddenly
uncomfortable trouser suit and into a pair of jeans. She poured herself
a glass of wine and settled herself down onto the couch with some
magazine that her Mom had given her. Her eyes barely even took in the
pictures.

Mulder shifted restlessly on the couch and began to flick through the
channels for the fourth time. Nothing interested him at all. Not even
the bizzare documentaries about killer bugs or some repeat of a Red Sox
game that usually would merit at least 10 minutes of his attention. He
considered briefly throwing in one of his old videos to try and cheer
him up. He almost laughed at how pathetic that was. Besides nothing-
especially not some blonde Swedish girl could divert his thoughts from a
certain little redhead. Defeated he tossed the remote control aside and
turned over on his side trying to drift off into a sleep that he knew
would bring him no release.

Scully couldn't sleep. It was almost like when she had Cancer. Her
mind raced about 11 times faster than it did during the day and nothing
seemed to be able to calm her. She suddenly found herself thinking of
Melissa. Wishing with all her heart that she were here to talk things
over with. Sure, Missy had never been Mulder's biggest fan but she had
known how deeply her Dana had cared for her partner. Missy was so much
more optimistic than her. So much more open to the realms of
possibilities- a fact that had often made Scully wonder why she and
Mulder didn't really get on. Though neither of them had ever voiced
the cause for their apparent dislike for one another Scully did know
that it had something to do with the coma she was in after her
abduction. And those were memories that she never wanted to dredge up
again.

Thinking of her sister led her on to think about her cancer and the
heart-stopping fear she had felt when she had stared death in the face
and began to contemplate losing Mulder- above all things. She had
realised then how much he had given her. He had been there by her side
at every significant moment in her life. His loyalty to her was
unparalelled and she loved him for that fact alone- although there were
many others. It occurred to her that she had almost lost him so many
times and that there was no point in wondering about the maybes. Now
that they had found their 'truth' maybe it was time she started to
believe.

She watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically as he slept. Slept
fitfully she observed. He looked so beautiful when he was sleeping but
his face still held that look of unease and torture that was obviously
cause by his tormented dreams. He sensed her presence in the room and
woke up with a start.

"Jesus Scully." He breathed.

"Hey." She whispered. "Sorry I woke you."

He shook his head in an it's alright gesture and smiled weakly.

"So what are you doing here? I thought it was best that you kept your
distance?"

As Scully looked at him she felt tears well up in her eyes.

"I was thinking. And there's something that I need to tell you."

He looked straight at her. "Yes?"

"I believe," she whispered, "?in us."

And then as he took her in his arms and laughed happily the tears began
to fall. She felt like the world's biggest emotional fool but he just
held her tightly.

"I love you." He whispered.

"And I love you."

Their mouths met once again, but this time with a new-found urgency and
at the same time peacefulness. And as they fell to the couch in each
others arms Mulder knew that they would fight whatever was thrown in
their path together- just as they always had. And Scully knew that she
would help him to fight his demons from the past and go on to look at
their future- together. Scully the skeptic had-learnt to believe and
Mulder had learnt how to love and be loved.



Okay I know shit ending but it was at 11:30 last night and I was REALLY
tired!!!!