From: =?iso-8859-1?q?Maria=20O'Rourke?= Date: Fri, 8 Jun 2001 21:13:40 +0100 (BST) Subject: xfc: Too Much to Lose (post roadrunners) Source: xfc Title: Too much to Lose. Author: Maria O'Rourke Feedback: dk_scully_101@yahoo.com Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/beigninng_and_end/index.htm Archive: Please ask first! Thanks! Summary: Post-Ep for Roadrunners. Scully POV. Spoilers: Up to Season 8's Ep Roadrunners. Disclaimer: You all know the drill... I could feel it climbing, inch-by-inch, up my spine. The pain was almost impossible to bear and what made it worse was the fact that I knew what it would and could do, it could rob me of the one thing I'd been longing for -- my child. I don't think that it hit me until I saw what they were planning, until I saw that thing being carried towards me. I nearly lost the only thing that's keeping me going, the only thing I have left of him. I've been pushing myself so hard to find him, I search everywhere and when I can't search anymore, I push myself into his role, trying to think the way he would, trying to act the way he would but it doesn't work. At the end of it all, I just realise how much I can't be like him, how much I can't do what he did and how big a space he's truly left in me. Agent Doggett was right; I screwed up, big time. I tried to do the impossible, I tried to go it alone and did what he did when he started the X-Files, because that's what I'm doing now, starting all over again. Just like him, I thought I was alone. My neck hurts. My back hurts but I don't care, in a way it's worth it, I know what true fear is. I know how it feels to think that you're the cause for not only your own demise, but also your child's. Lying on that bed I wondered if it was a boy or girl, if it had my hair or his nose and I thought that my heart would break. I failed him in the one thing that he's depending on me to succeed in, the one thing I can save for him. I'm not tied to a bed anymore, I'm not incapacitated by an unidentified organism intent on using my body and I have time to think of what it is that I've really done. I acted more like him then I realised. I ran away, just like he did when he started to get close to me. I'm getting close to Agent Doggett, the walls I built up are slowly crumbling around me and I can't stop it, no more then I can get him back by simply wishing on the first shooting star I see. Doggett knows that something is wrong, the way he looks at me when he sees me tell me that he knows I'm hiding something from him, I won't be long until I can't hide it anymore. What if he already knows? I'm sure someone is watching me, there is some kind of surveillance on me, that I know for sure, but the idea that he's part of it almost makes me laugh. I felt guilty in the hospital when I spoke to him because I know how he feels. My partner running away on me was something that I had to become used to over the course of my partnership with Mulder because I never wanted to tell him to stop, to tell him that he didn't have to run away. Maybe it's just that I'm not as strong as Mulder, maybe I just can't last as long as he did or find the resolve inside me to fight the temptation to stop this empty feeling, to find someone to just fill the gap. Maybe if I'd told him not to run sooner, we would've had more time together. My hand rests on my almost unnoticeable bump. I nearly lost the only thing I have left of him. I will be more careful and if that means depending on Doggett for support then so be it. It's time to accept the fact that I have to live without you, at least until I find a way to get you back. It's hard to accept but I can't run away forever, there's too much at stake now. I have too much to lose to play the grieving partner for everybody to see. I have to face up to my responsibilities. I can do a lot of things but there is one thing I will not do. I am not losing my only connection to you. ===== "A woman always has the last say in an arguement, anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new one." AIM: DanaSx List: morxffanfic-subscribe@yahoogroups.com (Join to receive info when my new fics are out!) Website: www.geocities.com/begininng_and_end/index.htm