From: Kris Harnage Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 15:21:50 -0700 (PDT) Subject: NEW - The Transformation; VAR; PG-13 TITLE: The Transformation AUTHOR: Katwoman E-MAIL: kris_harnage@yahoo.com DATE WRITTEN: 9 March 1998 DATE POSTED: 1 May 1998 DISTRIBUTION: Sure. Fine Wherever. Just let me know! Submitting separately to Gossamer. FEEDBACK: Please! I need attention to survive! CATEGORY: VAR RATING: PG-13 SPOILERS: US Season Five, up to and including "The Red and The Black" CONTENT WARNING: Lots of angst, ending with Mulder/Scully romance. Those who don't consider themselves 'shippers at heart should bail now. That means all you non-relationshippers - you unromantic people, you! KEYWORDS: Angst and MSR SUMMARY: While Mulder is being held hostage, Scully reflects on their six years together and finally admits her true feelings for her partner. DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully and the rest of "The X-Files" gang belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, FOX Broadcasting and 20th Century FOX Television. I'm just using them for my own pleasure. I'm making nothing but 'shipper friends from this! COMMENTS: After watching "The Red and The Black" and getting excited over Scully and Mulder's renewed "closeness" (she held his hand twice AND they're communicating again!), I thought to myself: What would happen if something happened to one of them now? Then I thought, well it can't be Scully AGAIN. She's been kidnapped, abducted, bound and gagged one too many times (seven too many times, if you ask me). The poor woman has been put through the ringer! So, why not have it happen to Mulder? Hey, I LOVE the guy, but it *is* his turn again! So, here it is. This is also only my second attempt at writing in first person - and my first time doing it as Scully. I hope everyone likes it! Oh, I wrote this nearly two months ago, but am just now getting around to posting it. Hope it's still timely enough for everyone's interest! "THE TRANSFORMATION" By Katwoman It's only been six hours, but it's already felt like years. Is this what Mulder went through when Jack held me hostage? When I was abducted and missing? When Donnie Pfaster kidnapped me? When he thought I was one of the victims of the deadly attack on the bridge in Pennsylvania two months ago? If so, how did he ever manage to keep from losing his mind!?! After my abduction, I was missing for weeks! He's only been apart from me for hours, and I already feel like my reason for living is slipping away. It's hard to fathom how much has changed since my encounter with the other "abductees" two months ago. It now seems like a lifetime ago, so much has happened since then. To both Mulder *and* me. Who would have ever hypothesized that I would start to become the believer and Mulder the skeptic? This sudden role reversal has really opened my eyes. How I didn't drive Mulder absolutely crazy these past six years by disregarding his beliefs and poking holes in all his theories is beyond me!?! For he's only been doing this to me for two months, and it has already begun to take its toll. It's not easy having the most important person in your life not believe you. He thought I made up everything - imagined it. Or that I'm just another victim of yet another elaborate government cover-up. It's just that the memories and feelings I heard myself describing on tape during my hypno-regression therapy sounded so ... *real*. I've never been prone to exaggerate even in the slightest, so why would I start now? And if someone is tampering with my memories ... Why me? Why now? Those questions will have to be pondered later. Right now, I can only think of Mulder. He's being held hostage by a madman. Once again, Mulder has traded himself for the original hostages in an attempt to defuse the volatile situation. Once again, the madman - one Peter Ira Grinch - claims to be an alien abductee. It's shades of Duane Barry all over again. Only this time, there is no way Mulder would allow anything to happen to me. That is the last thing he said to me before trading himself for the hostages. At first, he ordered me to go home. Then he changed his mind and ordered me to go to the Bureau until he returned and could take me home himself. My safety - not his own - was foremost on his mind. I don't know what Mulder was thinking, giving me such an order. While his protectiveness has sincerely touched my heart, how could he think I could possibly leave while he's in danger? Even if I wasn't feeling what I'm feeling toward him, he's still my partner and my best friend. But in my heart of hearts, he's much more than that. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks when he left my side six hours and 12 minutes ago. A fear came over me like nothing I've felt before. A fear that I would never see him again. "I have to do this, Scully. I'm the only one Grinch will talk to. If I can save these people, how can I *not* trade myself for them?" "Whose to say their lives are more important than yours?" I pleaded with him, though I knew it was a futile argument. Mulder had made up his mind. "Scully, I'm a trained FBI agent *and* a psychologist. I can get in this guy's head and talk him back to sanity. I'm the *only one* who can defuse the situation," Mulder explained, taking my hand and placing his gun in it. I thought. I put Mulder's gun in my trench coat pocket, then lifted his hand to my face, wanting to feel his gentle caress once more before letting him go. He was surprised by my actions, at first. Up until two months ago, we hadn't touched one another in a long time - at least, not *this* way. But when he was placed in the back of that military vehicle with me, looking so lost and confused, I *had* to touch him. I had to let him know I was there for him. I had to know - and feel - that he was there for me. I took his hand and never wanted to let it go. Just like I didn't want to let it go six hours and 16 minutes ago. Mulder's hand was gently caressing my cheek, and I was trying my best not to cry. I had to be strong, like always. After all - I, too, am a trained FBI agent. I'm supposed to be able to handle these types of stressful situations without problems, without emotions. Well, if I wasn't in love with my partner, maybe that would be possible. "I have to go, Scully," he told me. "I want you to go home - no, I want you to go back to the Bureau and stay there until I return. I don't want to put you through this again. And I don't want anything to happen to you." "Mulder, you know there is no way I can leave," I said firmly. "You're my partner. Wherever you are is where I'm supposed to be ... where I *want* to be." "OK. All right," he said, looking tired and somewhat defeated. "I see there's no arguing with you." "No, there isn't," I told him. "Then at least do me one favor," he said. "What?" "Try not to worry too much, Scully. I'm going to be fine," he said, caressing my face once again. "You better be," I said, and tried to manage a small smile. With that, he took his hand from my face and was gone. And with each passing hour, my heart aches more and more. I can't take this anymore. I've got to find out what's going on. I walk across the room to Skinner, who is sitting at a table talking with several members of the Hostage Task Force Division of the Bureau. "What is it, Agent Scully?" Skinner asks me. "Sir, I want to know what you are doing to get Agent Mulder out of there," I say, trying desperately to keep my voice even and controlled. "It's been more than six hours." "I am aware of how long it has been," Skinner says. "We are closely monitoring the situation. Mulder is still talking with Grinch. We have to handle this delicately. We have to give him enough time." "Yes sir, I know that," I reply, then start to walk away. "Scully," Skinner calls after me, then gets up and walks over to me. "Yes sir?" I ask, turning back to face him. "Mulder is going to be just fine. He's not only highly trained, but has been through this before. If anyone can talk this bastard into giving up, it's him." "Yes sir, I know. But thanks for the words of encouragement." With that, I return to my seat at the corner of the room next to a window - where I have a good view of the bank across the street. Since I am too close to the situation, I am not allowed to help, but I am allowed to stay - if I stay out of the way. As I gaze out the window into the night sky, my mind drifts back to my most vivid moments with Mulder. "Nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted," was how it all started. I had no idea that day, walking into that basement office, that my life was about to drastically change forever. Not only have I been on one of the greatest adventures and most perilous journeys ever imagined in these past six years, but I have found a soulmate with which to share the journey. Of course, Mulder and I didn't start out as soulmates. Sparring partners was more like it. Counter and move. Counter and move. Bob and weave. Keep your right up and your wits about you, or he's going to knock you on your ass once again with one of his totally implausible theories of the fantastic or paranormal. He is good, I'll give him that; but then, so am I. We're pretty evenly matched. In fact, we fit together perfectly. Yin and Yang. Alpha and Omega. Black and White. Night and Day. You can't have one without the other. It's been a wonderful, scary, thrilling ride. One of which I wouldn't change a moment. One I never want to end. "Do you believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials?" he asked me the day we met. No, Mulder. But I believe in you. I always have and always will. "Mulder, I had the strength of your beliefs," I told him when he visited me in the hospital and returned my cross necklace to me, after I'd awakened from the coma. I meant it, too. He may not have believed in God and miracles then, but his faith in what he did believe in was just as powerful. His faith has brought me back from the brink of death more than once. I owe Mulder my life, and I want to give it to him - totally. I pray I get the chance. It's been seven hours now. Seven. How much longer can I take this? A madman has a gun to the head of the man I love! It's pretty fitting that this madman's initials are PIG, for that's exactly what he is. I want to charge into that bank, knock Grinch on his ass, shoot him dead and rescue Mulder. If I didn't have better sense and proper training, I would do just that. My own safety be damned - I just want Mulder back. My thoughts drift back to another perilous moment in our lives. "Mulder, you're stronger than this. You don't have to do this," I remember telling him when Modell had him under his spell - when he put the "whammy" on Mulder and tried to make him shoot me. But Mulder was too strong. He couldn't be pushed to kill me. And he didn't hesitate in shooting Modell once he got the chance. If he would have had more than one bullet, Mulder would have pumped Modell full of lead and been done with him. Then we wouldn't have had to face Modell and his evil twin, Linda Bowman, several months ago. My God, what nearly happened in that case still chills me to my very core. Once again, Mulder had a gun on me - only this time, he thought I was Linda! If I hadn't been able to convince him otherwise and shoot the real Linda myself ... Well, I don't want to even think about what might have happened. Neither does Mulder. I know this because neither of us has brought it up since. I guess some things *are* better left unsaid. Nothing bad did happen, though. Modell is dead. Linda Bowman is dead. She didn't shoot Mulder, and he didn't shoot me. I thank God for this every day. I could not go on without Mulder. A certain theory of mine that was recently proven when I went on vacation in Maine has become a comfort to me, too - obviously, Mulder cannot get along too well without me, either. It started with a phone call. He warned me about the dangers of convertibles and talking on the phone while driving, which, by the way, is something *he* does all the time. Then I called him about the strange goings on where I was. And after impressing him with my extensive knowledge of witchcraft and magic (thanks to Melissa's obsession with the supernatural and the occult, and her propensity to share everything she knew), he flippantly asked me to marry him! Or was he being flippant? I had brushed off the remark before I had time to think about it twice. I didn't want to think about it then. I wanted to get out of my head for a few days - wanted to get *him* out of my head. I really tried, but I couldn't. He wasn't going to let me. He called again ... and again ... and again. The funny thing is, I wasn't really angry about it. I actually enjoyed the attention he was lavishing on me from afar. God knows, he doesn't always give me that attention when we're together. Maybe it's easier for him when we're apart. Maybe it's only then that his true feelings surface. I know exactly how he feels. At this very moment, he's just across the street, behind a locked door and a gun. But I cannot get to him - I cannot *see* him - and I miss him with every fiber of my being. Is that how he felt when I was in Maine? Are you trying to tell me something, Mulder? When I returned from my weekend trip, did I find him out having a life of his own or - at the very least - buried in paperwork? No. I found him bored silly and passing the time by throwing sharpened pencils into the ceiling like a junior high school student! He was totally embarrassed. I was amused ... and happy. Why was I happy? Because I realized then that he really can't go on without me. Then came the wacky case of the "vampires" in Texas. Boy, was that a bizarre experience - and not because of the vampires! We're faced far weirder mutants and monsters in our time together. No, what threw me for a loop was "Jealous Mulder." He described the sheriff I was attracted to as having buck teeth. That was my first clue. Then, his description of me made me sound like a school girl who giggled every time the sheriff was in my presence. That was my second clue. Yes, I admit it. I *was* attracted to the sheriff. Mostly because he's the first man in a very long time who looked at me and saw a *woman* - not an FBI agent, a medical doctor, a partner or a *best friend.* I couldn't help but be flattered and somewhat flustered. I was also drugged - by the very man I was attracted to, no less. It figures. The first time I allow myself to be attracted to someone besides Mulder in more than a year, and look what happened!?! Memories of Ed Jerse come back to haunt me. I never wanted to think of that terrible case and how it nearly ended - how it *did* end between Mulder and me. But now, I cannot help it. I had cancer. I was feeling lonely. I was terrified. I needed comfort. I wanted it from Mulder, but was afraid all I would get was pity and sympathy. That is neither what I wanted nor needed. So I sought comfort in the arms of another man - and nearly paid for it with my life. Mulder didn't understand then, but he did come to understand. He gave me exactly what I needed when Penny Northern died and I felt my own world shattering around me. A shoulder to cry on. Words of encouragement. A kiss. No - two kisses. One on the top of my head and one on my forehead. I wanted to melt in his arms. I wanted to feel his lips on mine. I thought for sure that's what he wanted when he pulled back and stared deeply into my eyes. But it was not meant to be. His mind seemed elsewhere. So I pulled away, as I do so often. I retreated into myself. I did the same thing when I lost Emily. He tried so hard to be there for me, but I was beyond comfort by then. Part of me had truly died, and there was no comforting me. Not then. Not now. Maybe not ever, where Emily is concerned. "At least you found her. That's a miracle in itself," Mulder had told me in the church. Does this mean you now believe in miracles, Mulder? Have I had that affect on you? Have I help change your life the way you have changed mine? Do you know that *you* are the miracle of *my* life, Mulder? If you make it out of this alive, I will tell you. I have wasted too much time. *We* have wasted too much time. Life is too precious to waste. Our love for one another is too precious to waste. It's time to take that next step. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer afraid to believe, because I believe in us. Together, we can handle whatever comes our way ... whatever happens ... whatever *They* put us through. Together, we are unbeatable. I know this now as the greatest truth of all. And I will tell you, Mulder. I will make you a believer again. A sudden noise jolts me back to reality. I see Skinner and the others suddenly rushing out the door. I spring from my seat and am right on their heels. We are outside now, and I see the SWAT Team all around, positioning their guns on the door to the bank. I quietly inch up behind Skinner. "What's going on, sir?" I whisper. "Grinch is about to give up," Skinner says quietly. "Mulder talked him into it. He's about to come out." My heart leaps into my throat and I hold my breath. becomes my silent mantra. Suddenly, the door to the bank opens and Grinch appears. His arms are up in the air as he walks out slowly, shouting that he is unarmed. Following directly behind him is the most precious, beautiful sight I have ever seen - my partner, my best friend, the man I am desperately in love with. Mulder is walking closely behind Grinch, ensuring he doesn't get away, but also that he is not shot. Agents rush in to cuff Grinch and take him away. Skinner approaches Mulder to talk to him. I watch from about 20 feet away. I am frozen in place. I cannot move. I can barely breathe. After what seems an eternity, Skinner finally finishes with Mulder and leaves. The other agents and SWAT Team members also leave. Mulder and I are left alone. He is walking towards me slowly, a serious look on his face. My heart begins to beat rapidly. Before I know what is happening, I find myself running to Mulder. I reach him so quickly, I nearly tackle him and knock him down. "Hey, are you OK?" he asks, looking down at me and sounding a little confused. I am hugging him so tightly, I am sure he is probably having trouble breathing himself. "I am now," is all I can get out, a few tears rolling down my face. I can hold them back no longer. Mulder lifts my chin to get a better look at me. I get a feeling of deja' vu I am feeling exactly the same, only this time, it was Mulder who saved himself from a madman. "What is it, Scully?" he asks me with deep concern. "I've never seen you like this." "I ... I was just so afraid I was going to lose you," I confess. "I was going crazy." "I know you were," he says. "I was, too. That's why I wanted you to go back to the Bureau and do some work - anything to get your mind off this. These hostage negotiations can take a long time. Sometimes, the waiting can be downright boring." "No, that's not what I mean," I explain, hardly able to speak. "I was going crazy because ... because I was scared you might die without knowing ... without ..." "Without knowing what, Scully?" "Without knowing how I feel about you. Without knowing how much you mean to me. Without knowing I could not go on without you." "I do know, Scully," he said, hugging me tightly again. "I feel the same exact way about you." "You do?" I ask, looking up at him again. His right hand comes up and gently wipes away my tears, then slowly caresses my cheek. "You know what I was thinking about the entire time I was in there with Grinch?" he asks. "About Duane Barry and how this was happening to you all over again?" "No. I was thinking about you. About how I had to do and say whatever I could to get this guy to give up ... so I could see you again. So I could do something I should have done a very long time ago." With that, Mulder lowers his face to mine and kisses me softly on the mouth. As he does, I feel my body respond on its own volition. My arms wrap around his neck tightly and pull him closer, deepening our kiss. I cling to him like both a scared child and a woman in need. I can't get enough of him - can't feel him close enough to me. Finally, the seal between us breaks and we both gasp for air. We stand embracing and staring into one another's eyes. A million words fill the air around us, as an unspoken conversation takes place. There's a look in Mulder's eyes that is familiar, but hasn't been there in quite a while. Something changed during the seven hours he was held hostage. I smile at him. He returns my smile and hugs me even tighter. Thank you, Dear Lord in Heaven. You not only brought Mulder back to me safely, but helped him return to the man he was - the man he is always meant to be. The "believer" - the man I fell in love with and will love throughout eternity - is back. #####FINIS##### SCULLY: "Did you find what you were looking for?" MULDER: "No ... no. But I found something I thought I'd lost ... faith to keep looking." - "END GAME" _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com