From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 30 Oct 2004 13:05:47 -0000 Subject: Trigger Happpy Scalpels by L C Wilson Source: direct Reply To: danafox@hotmail.com TRIGGER-HAPPY SCALPELS Author: L C Wilson Website: www.xf-back-in-the-day.com Email: danafox@hotmail.com Disclaimer: What everyone else always says, about Christ Carter and 1013 Productions owning the X-Files not me. Though they don't quite own *all* of the characters in this little fic. Rating: NC17 (some very bad words and innuendo) Category: H: Helps if your familiar with Latexsnapper's M/S dollies (often found at haven) Spoilers: Never saw anything like this happening on the show! Archive: Feel free, with attachments. Feedback: Can't really expect it, but doesn't mean to say I wouldn't like it. Trigger-happy Scalpels "Bloody supermarkets!" Jules muttered to herself as she tried unsuccessfully to free one hand from the ligature handles of the plastic carrier bags. They were cutting so deep that her wrists were turning a dark shade of purple, and there was no way in hell she could reach into her jacket pocket for her door key without doing what any pissed off Saturday morning shopper would do at this point - she just let the whole load drop with a clatter onto the hallway floor. Of course, just as the bags made impact with the floor she remembered that she'd bought eggs, but she didn't give a damn. She hated grocery shopping at the best of times, and lets face it, Saturday morning was *not* the best of times. Everyone within a ten-mile radius must have been in Tesco today. A tub of yoghurt had been crushed beneath the pile of cat food tins, dripping through the bottom of her trolley and leaving a sticky trail half way up the frozen food aisle. And to top it off she had a nice bruise just throbbing away on her left knee, all because some indulgent mother had let her little brat swing a basket around to 'keep it quiet' in the checkout queue. She had only one goal at this moment - get the kettle on. Fi was parking the car, and she'd bribed her to carry the rest of the bags up to her flat with the promise of coffee and a cream horn. The thought of the same for herself cheered her slightly, so grabbing four of the bags and leaving the rest for a return trip she headed for the kitchen. ******************************* She knew 'they' were in there before she'd even reached for the door handle. She could hear their lowered voices and that alone set the alarm bells ringing. Mulder never spoke at less than foghorn level unless he was up to no good! Doing what any self-respecting nosey par- erm concerned citizen would, she drew a little nearer to the door in the hopes of nipping any mischief in the bud. She wished she hadn't though, when she heard the deadly duo's bone-chilling words. "Pick up your scalpel Mulder, and copy exactly what I do." "Can we start by cutting the eyes out Scully?" "No Mulder. It is advantageous to begin with the removal of the cranium. The cranium is opened with a horizontal division an inch above the eyebrow ridges" "Woops! The top of the head *was* supposed to come off in one slice, wasn't it Scully?" They couldn't be! For all the crazy stunts they had pulled over the years, even those two wouldn't do what she thought they were doing in her kitchen would they? Yeah, they were evil little buggers, but even they had limits of decency didn't they? Quietly dropping her shopping bags on the floor, she pressed her ear to the door. "I'm glad I chose Kersh Scully. He always has had a butt ugly face. I must admit he looks a funny colour even for him though." "He-he-he, You're right about that Mulder. I'm doing Colton. I've wanted to take a knife to him for a very long time." Oh my god! It was worse than she though. They were in there carving up the Deputy Director of the FBI. Her stomach gave a lurch and she wanted to turn and run but her legs had turned to jelly - besides it was a bit like watching a train wreck. She turned to listen again with sickened fascination. "Look Scully, Kersh has no lips and I've broken one of his teeth too." "Well I'm cutting Colton's nose now. I'm just lucky I could get at it because it's usually so far up his boss's ass." "Do you think Kersh's ears are too big Scully?" "I don't know about that Mulder. They may be big, but he sure as hell never uses them to listen to a thing we say." "I think maybe they're big to compensate for certain other body parts." "Didn't know they allowed you to share the executive bathroom Mulder." "They don't, but I'm often in there cleaning toilet bowls." "Manure Mulder?" "Yeah.... Big piles of manure! Scully... Did I ever mention how much I'm turned on by the sight of you in scrubs?" "You mentioned it Mulder. You mentioned it *and* you demonstrated it... Even on our first case together if you remember rightly. You barely gave me time to move that ape off the autopsy table." "It was an *alien* Scully, and I'd do some more demonstrating right now if my hands weren't covered in Kersh brains." "Speaking of brains - what are we going to do with all of this lot Mulder? Her royal haughtiness doesn't have a waste disposal in here, and I don't think she'd be pleased if we filled her pedal bin up with the stuff." "Well we'll have to think of something pretty damn quick Scully, we're finished here now and Thelma and Louise will be home soon. I know! We'll just do what we usually do with all of our left over garbage... We'll feed it to that darned cat. It's just as good as any waste disposal anyway" ******************************* That did it! Trigger-happy scalpels and unauthorized autopsies was one thing, but there was no way the little buggers were getting away with insulting her precious Becks! She flung the door wide, intent on getting her hands around their necks no matter if they were armed with scalpels or not. She would have too... if they hadn't been coming out of the kitchen at that precise moment and landed at her feet amid a tangle of limbs. Her foot was raised ready to give Mulder a good kick where she though it would hurt the most, when she happened to catch sight of the two objects sitting proudly on her kitchen bench. Objects she noted that whilst bearing an uncanny resemblance to Kersh and Colton, lacked any trace of actual human attributes - dead or alive. She didn't quite know whether to laugh or cry when Scully stood up, dusted herself down, and said... "Do you like our pumpkins Jules? Mulder and I were wondering if you would take us around the neighbourhood 'trick or treating' after dinner." "Yeah, we only had time to do one pumpkin each, but we could make one for you and Fi if you pitch in and help. Of course Scully and I have already picked the best characters to carve, but I'm sure we could think of someone for yours. How about Krycek? Or Skinner would be great because his head already resembles a pumpkin." Oh god, when would she learn with these two. There was no way of winning with them. They could make her feel like a fool easier than a Conservative leader at a Labour Party conference. Luckily she was spared the indignity of a garbled reply by the timely arrival of Fi. "I see the damned lift isn't working again. It's time they dropped the service charge in this place. The useless caretaker should be made to carry everyone's shopping up to their flats personally until he gets off his lazy a... Are you ok Jules? You look as though you've just seen a ghost. The dollies are ok aren't they? I swore them to their best behaviour whilst we were out. If they've been up to..." "What? No, no they've been as good as gold. We were erm... We were just about to have something to eat and then we're going 'trick or treating' aren't we guys?" Well, a fool she may be, but she wasn't quite stupid enough to give that lot the ammunition to use against her for the rest of her life thank you very much. Happy Halloween everyone.