From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 18 Aug 2002 08:48:12 -0000
Subject: Undelievered Mail by Seulement Moi by Seulement Moi
Source: direct

Reply To: SeulementMoi101@hotmail.com


TITLE: Undelivered Mail
AUTHOR: Seulement Moi
SPOILERS: Trust No 1, The Truth (very mild)
Few references to older eps.
CLASSIFICATION: Post-ep
SUMMARY: Mulder's last e-mail doesn't reach Scully.

*-*-*

'Dearest Dana,

Only you could read from my eyes the despair that devours me every
passing minute since I was brought apart from you. And William.
Solitude has gathered a new meaning for me. Being alone is good
sometimes. It helps you get insight on yourself, recover your inner
strength and bring you peace. But when it comes up with the memories
you have worked so hard to forget, loneliness is not that great 
anymore. I am no longer haunted by the injustice of my sister's 
death. Now, seldom do I see her in my nightmares floating in the 
air, leaving me with a heartache I knew time wouldn't heal. I had 
long lost that fight, and it took me just one second to realize that 
it was never in my hands. I didn't know if I should feel relieved, 
or frustrated by it. But either way, guilty or not, I had failed 
her. 

No, Scully, my sister's memory doesn't torment me at night. It's the
vision of you that keeps me tangled in fear and worry from the moment
the sun begins its journey around the sky, until the moment it
settles in. It's your face that keeps me breathing, knowing that your
life I might keep safe. Certain that if I had to hide for all my 
life, I would, if anyone could assure me no harm would ever touch 
you or William. 

I so long to see you. And our baby. I still marvel at the miracle he
incarnates. Our love, Scully. William is not just a scientific
mystery or a complicated genetic experiment brought to life. He's not
just a perfect human to survive the apocalypse. He is the story of
us, summed up in ten perfect fingers and a button-nose. Hiding the
world's deepest secrets in his innocent, blue eyes. And safe-keeping
history's oldest love story in his smile. He is the proof, Scully,
that we lived and loved each other. And when the earth stops turning
and he finds himself alive, he will know it. He will know he was born
as a result of the only thing They couldn't destroy: our love. And I 
can only hope that that truth brings a smile to his face. As it
brings one to mine.

My dearest Scully. My companion, my partner, my friend. How was I 
to know that the one person I was supposed to mistrust proved me
wrong every step of the way? How was I to know that you would 
restore my faith on what was right and honorable? And how could I
ever imagine I would fall in love with you without even trying? 
Furthermore, how could the thought that you would love me back 
could ever cross my mind?

I don't know when I started loving you. I just know it has been 
forever. Maybe I realized it when I saw you agonizing in a hospital
room. Or before that, when I entretained myself by teasing you and 
ended up utterly amazed with your intelligence and strength. Perhaps 
it hit me when I found you ill, not only physical, but emotionally. 
A tattoo on your back and a sadness masking your beautiful eyes. I 
should've done what I felt in that moment, sweep you off your feet 
and hold you tight until you were absolutely sure that nothing in 
the world mattered more to me than you. But I didn't. I let you 
grieve, and I crumbled, too. I wish now that I had held you 
everytime you needed me to and when you didn't, too. I regret it 
now that we are apart and I can't do it. I'll always hold regret 
for the kisses I dreamt of placing on your lips. And for all the 
silent promises I made to you, vowing I would love you as long as 
I lived and beyond.

Scully, tears blur my vision as I write these words to you. I miss
you. And now all I can wonder is how to get to you and William 
without endangering you. I'm so close to the truth now. Of all the
times I've said this to you, it's real now. I can't tell you much,
but when we see each other again, I wish I can hold the truth in 
my hands. And I hope that this knowledge can save us, somehow. Or
at least, keep us safe. 

This is the last e-mail you'll get from me, for next time we speak, 
it would be face-to-face. And by then, I'll have all the answers for
you. For now, I hold on to my shaken faith, which is only powered by
your conviction in it and in me. I won't fail you or William. I'll
come home to you. And finish the journey we started together. 

I yearn to see you again.
Always,
Mulder'

*-*-*

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