From: "Joylynn Wing" Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 01:03:53 -0500 Subject: New: Unexpected Dislosures 1/3 by Joylynn Wing MSR Title : Unexpected Disclosures. Author : Joylynn Wing Archive : Yes, please...Everywhere especially ATXC and Gossamer. Disclaimer : I do not own them, wish I did. C.C. and his merry bunch at 1013 always did. No infringement intended. Also take note the song " You Were Loved " was written by Diane Warren and is off of the " Touched By An Angel " soundtrack. Rating : PG for subject matter. Classification : VSRA Keywords : MSR Spoilers : Oh, let me count the ways... In no particular order. " Pilot ", " Deep Throat ", " Fire ", " Duane Barry ", " One Breath ", " Irresistable ", " FTF ", " Small Potatoes ". Hell, there are so many that I guess it would be safer to just say... everything up to and including season six. Feedback : Shamelessly begged for... Please? at aljoyw@a-znet.com Summary : Post Epi for " Tithonus ". Scully ponders immortality and makes a crucial decision. Dedication : To my OBSSEed brethren. I only hope that I am worthy. Also, my undying gratitude to Mir Kat, for giving great Beta. Please see author's notes at end. ******************************************************************* " Death stands above me, whispering low I know not what into my ear: Of his strange language all I know Is, there is not a word of fear." Walter Savage Landor Forever... Nobody lives forever... Or so Scully had thought until she met Fellig. Eternity. What a profound notion. To have eternity to do with what you will. To have immeasurable life times; to unearth, to experience, to advance, to love. What a gift, she had always thought in the back of her mind. However her pragmatic side had always kept her from entertaining the thought consciously. Now she wasn't so sure. She wasn't so sure of anything anymore. She had tried to rationalize what she had seen, what she knew to be true, when she hadn't been able to acknowledgement it. She had tried to pin it to her science, which she had always used to quell her unanswered questions, when her doctrine hadn't been able accept it. She had tried to compartmentalize it, when the fear had became too much. And in the end, when all else had failed, she had tried to deny it. Deny everything. However denial wasn't cutting it anymore. Scully leaned back upon the pillows, which were propped up against the armrest, of her well appointed sofa. Her azure blue eyes scanned the dim light, her vision not fixated upon which she peered. Her acumen was turned inwards, towards her silent musings, which had haunted her every waking moment since her shooting. She pulled up the multi-colored afghan further around her slight figure, in a vain attempt to ward off the shivers which flowed through her corporeal body. She knew that this was not related to being cold per se, but was more attributable to her state of disposition. Her deep turquoise eyes melded with the darkness of her apartment, which shrouded her in shadows cast from the solitary light, which shone from her kitchen. However, she found no dismay in the darkness, in fact she espoused it's succor. It likened to her more like a long lost lover than a appalling presence. She attempted to move her position slightly and her stitches pulled painfully with her deliberate movement. A grimace crossed her pale, beautiful face in response to her discomfort. Her rosy red lips were pursed in determination. She had refused to take the Percocet the doctor had ordered, choosing instead to reveal in the fact she could * feel * pain, and that in spite of everything, she had once again deceived death. Once she adjusted herself once again, she then raised a delicate, slightly shaking hand up to tuck a strand of sunlight touched fire behind her ear. She closed her eyes, trying to center herself as her dark auburn lashes fluttered like tiny angel's wings upon her gently freckled face. It had been three weeks since that day, when she had once again tempted the fates, and had indeed come out ahead. Scully knew herself to be very lucky, very lucky indeed to have came back from the other side. She had gotten so close to taking death's offer and from what she had * seen * and * felt * it had been a pretty good offer indeed, yet she had chosen to come back. She had closed her eyes, embraced her life, and he had taken her place. She also knew however, that the piper would have to be paid someday, and that she didn't have an eternity to do what she had to do. << 'Immortal. Not mortal; everlasting imperishable; not liable to fall into oblivion. One who is exempt from death' >>, Scully said to herself silently. She had read the dictionary's version of what it meant so many times, that she had committed it to memory. The interpretation was impersonal, devoid of emotion and sorrowfully lacking in the true understanding of the ramifications which it promised. Everlasting life... Fellig had claimed that he had it. The hard copy information, which Mulder had shown her, supported the facts. Fingerprints didn't lie. At full account he had been at least 150 yrs old, give or take a decade. They had both been shot with the same bullet, and he had died. She however had lived. So much for immortality. Yet his assertions still made her temperate blood run cold. For a man who had been granted the most precious of bequests, he was not very appreciative of it. In fact he was the most miserable, lonely, and empty man she had ever met. He had told her immortality was not the bed of roses she that she had always imagined it to be. He had told her that 75 years was more than enough time to glean all that she needed from this life time. " Love lasts 75 years if you are lucky. You don't wanna be around when it's gone. " His voice had sounded so vacuous; devoid of passion, lacking in mercy. His dark eyes were full of such pain and consternation, over the decisions he had made. It was as if all of the life giving force of love had been depleted from his being, leaving him a mere shell of a human being; not really living, just existing. When she had opened her eyes in the hospital, after she had been shot, she knew it then. She knew his truth, her truth. Immortality exacted a high price, one which was to steep for her to sacrifice. This life being a life lacking in love and in compassion. A life devoid of the basic testaments of humanity which make us who we are. A life empty and lifeless, for all of time. If that was the tariff exacted for the privilege, she would rather pass. Scully blinked her eyes slowly, a solitary tear fell from her deep cerulean blue eyes, as she took a ragged breath. Scully tried to gather her musings as best as she could as she attempted to prepare for the inevitable course upon which she was about to embark. If nothing else, Fellig had taught her one thing, one thing that would cleave to her for the rest of her life. Complacency and fear were the only true contradictions of life. " Life is to precious of a gift, to sit there and rest upon your laurels." She mused outwardly to the shadows which shared her humble abode. She had been guilty of those sins, for a very long time. She had been committing them everyday of her life, since her remission. Now she hadn't taken her newly acquired sense of " immortality " for granted since her miraculous recovery from the cancer. She had lived her life to it's fullest, as she had sought her truths. Her answers, which were hidden in the dark shadows, which had surrounded her. Even thought she had been very careful about her professional and personal matters, she had let things slide in the matters of her heart, Mulder. When she had been in the hospital, awaiting her life's closing, she had contemplated her life. She had analyzed her life until then and had thought about what she had accomplished, personally as well as professionally and she had came to the conclusion that she would've done things differently. She had discovered that she regretted not telling Mulder how she really felt. She knew that if she didn't tell him then, she may lose her chance all together. She had vowed she would tell him. She would show him * her * truth. * Their * Truth... Her undying love and devotion for him. However, as it happens in all of our lives, things had gotten in the way, and time seemed like it would last forever. She kept putting it off for the right time, and the right time had never came, so it still hadn't been given license to grow and to flourish in the light of day as it was allowed to touch the lives of others. However she had cultivated it within herself; nourished and protected it from the evils of the world, and it had grown stronger than ever. As she had sat there, on the cold hard floor as her life quickly ebbed away, her truth once again had been revealed. That same truth had allowed Fellig to finally find death, when he had finally given up looking for it. He finally saw death, only after he had finally embraced * his * life and * his * humanity. Death had found him only when he had told her to close her eyes. His compassion for her had allowed him to finally find his peace. She remembered the conversation Mulder and she had shared after Ritter had left. " I don't even know how I entertained the thought, people don't live forever." Mulder had just looked at her and then had shared his truth with her. " No, no. I think he would have. I just think that death only looks for you once you seek it's opposite. " Once again Mulder had amazed her. Of course he never ceased to amaze her. For being such pain in the ass, he could be the most insightful and compassionate man she had ever met. When Scully had opened her eyes after the surgery that she had underwent to repair the damage from the bullet, the first thing had seen was Mulder's face covered in too many days worth of stubble. He had been sitting there sound asleep as he still clutched her hand for his dear life. He had obviously not left her side since getting there. His suit had been badly wrinkled. His dark hair had been a horrible tangled mess of snarles, indicative of his mental state. His aspect had heralded her new lease of life. Fellig had taught her a most valuable lesson. Embrace life; own your own humanity, embrace the love. That truth alone will set you free. You will not gain physical immortality, such as it is, but you will procure a more valuable commodity. Today was the day she planned to do just that. Today she was going to do what Fellig did, and take the first step. She was going to face her fear and was going to confront her complacency. She was going to own her feelings, embrace her humanity, and share it with the man whom she loved most in the world. She may not have an eternity on earth by which to live, but she had an eternity in which to love. This would be enough. Scully knew there were different types of immortality. The immortality of memory. The immortality of your works and life spent here upon the Earth. The righteousness that you shared with others. What you did on this Earth would long outlive you. The immortality gained from your children. Progeny is the surest way to achieve immortality. Your genes would live on in subsequent generations, thus part of you is immortal. Spiritual immortality. The ultimate immortality. The immortality spoken of in the Bible. The everlasting life attained through God's love. Unconditional love. The immortality gained from humanity; embracing life and love. True love exists beyond time and space, it has no beginning or end. Love, the fabric which holds the whole of the universe as one, the life force of creation. Scully believed that if spiritual immortality did indeed exist, if the soul did go on, then those souls could return in different guises. They could return with one another, as they shared and learned through their relationships, their love binding them together for all time. She knew that she couldn't wait for any longer. Fellig had lost his humanity, and she had seen what happened to him. She still was not totally convinced he was immortal, but she knew that * he * believed it. That would have to be enough for her. His consternation over his predicament had taught her a valuable lesson either way. A life without love and compassion was not a life worth living, and the only way to correct it was to tell Mulder how she felt. No matter what the consequences. She knew that Mulder would not return her feelings. That was an issue that she had never entertained. It wasn't about reciprocation. She had always loved from afar, knowing that she would have to be content with what she had. She knew that she held a special place in his heart. No one could ever take that away. Once, he had shared his true feelings with her in a lonely, darkened hallway which seemed almost a life time ago. He had told her, that he owed her everything, and that she owed him nothing. Mulder had told her that she completed him, made him whole. She kept him honest, and validated him. He had told her that he couldn't do it without her. Not only had he shared himself emotionally with her but he had also nearly shared himself physically with her. They had nearly shared a kiss. He had told her everything that she had wanted to hear. Everything except those three little words. Some how she wasn't surprised. Later on, after his little trip to the Bermuda Triangle, he had told her those words. However she had not allowed herself to believe it. He had been injured and doped up on quite a few heavy duty narcotics. She had given him the out that he had needed, and had never mentioned that revelation to him again, and he had taken it. That somehow had not surprised her either. From the moment they had started working together, the limits had been set. A line in the sand had been drawn. She was Scully, he was Mulder. Two halves of a whole sure, but more than a friendship based on mutual interest, no. He had made his intentions clear from the start. She had once tried to share her feelings with him, but when she had tried to call him Fox, she could see his discomfort apparent upon his strained visage. From that moment on, she had known the truth about their relationship. His usual taste in women did not extend to her variety, and she had realized and accepted that. No matter how painful that was. Then of course there was the matter of Melissa Ephesian. Mulder had remembered her being his soul mate. Not Scully. She was his Sarge, nothing more. A friend for all life times. Mulder had never made any overtures to the contrary, so she knew that she hadn't a chance. Scully knew that this was not about her needs alone. It was about both of their needs. She was content in the knowledge she would never lose him, no matter what. This was enough. However she couldn't go on denying how she felt, just because of his feelings. She could still accept her humanity, and own her feelings. He still deserved to know that he was loved. Even if it was by her. She had heard a song, just after she had woken up from her surgery. She had never heard it before that moment, and had not heard it since, so she wasn't so sure if it wasn't her imagination at work but the song, simple in its lyrics and flowing in its melody, had spoken her truths more clearly than she had ever been able to articulate. Unfortunately, she couldn't remember all of the lyrics, but the ones which were the most significant to her had been imprinted upon her psyche for all time. ' We all wanna make our place in this world... We all want our voices to be heard... Everyone wants a chance to be someone... ' ' We all have dreams we need to dream... Sweeter than all the stars you can reach... Cause when you've reached and found you've found someone...' ' You'll hold this world's most priceless thing... The greatest gift this life can bring... If you can look back and know, you were loved...' ' You were loved by someone... Touched by someone... Held by someone... Meant somethin' to someone...' ' Loved somebody... Touched somebody's heart along the way... You can look back and say... You were loved... ' ' You can have diamonds in your hand... Have all the riches in the land... Without love... Do you really have a thing? ' ' When someone cares that you're alive... When somebody finds their world in your eyes... Then you'll have found... All you need...' 'Then you'll hold this world's most priceless prize... The sweetest treasure in this life... If you can look back and know...' ' You were loved... ' ' So tell someone... You are loved... ' These simple words had spoken volumes to her heart. Without love, did anything else matter? Without acknowledging love, without embracing love, what meaning did this life hold? She knew the answer to that one... Nothing... This life didn't mean a thing without it... Her life was going to mean something... Mulder's life was going to mean something... Scully took a deep breath and steeled her soul for the most important step of her life. The shadows whirled around her as they gave her encouragement and strength. She knew that she could do this. They could handle this. The truth had a way of making things work out for the best in the end, and in this fact she gave all of her faith. << Thank you Fellig... You have given me this chance. I have found my truth once again, thanks to you. I only hope that you have found yours.>> She opened her heart and cleared her mind, as she put her faith in the inevitability of the moment when she heard Mulder fumble with his keys as he tried to find the one he knew to be hers. ****************************************************************** Mulder looked up at the dark sky through the rain soaked windshield of his car. The gray black clouds swirled violently, shrouding the weeping sky in a veiled sea of mystery. As he watched the swirling clouds, he listened to the pouring rain fall upon the dark glistening pavement, a staccato beat done in nature's own unique time. For all of the anguish and disheartenment Mother Nature was expressing, his heart was filled with equal portions of joy and relief. It had been probably the hardest three weeks of his life. It had began with her reassignment and had ended with Scully being shot by that prick of a partner. Mulder's world had nearly crashed down around him, drowning him in a sea of despair, with that fateful call. He had been at the airport, awaiting his flight when A.D. Kersh had called. He could tell by the tone of his voice that the situation was not good. Mulder couldn't remember much of anything that had transpired, after the call. The flight and the subsequent trip to the hospital had faded into a dark, angst filled nightmare which he would rather forget. The best he could figure was his mind had shut down, closing in on it's thoughts, from the wave of tremendous grief he found himself in. He had functioned on autopilot, following blindly, the small group of agents which had met him at the gate. His mind had been overrun with the disjointed thoughts of memories which had encircled his conscious memory. The only things that he could remember hearing were the incessant pounding of his broken heart and the slow even breaths that he had been taking. Taking for him... Taking for her... << Keep breathing... Scully, if you can't I will breathe for both of us. >> Mulder could swear that he had relived every blessed moment that he had spent with her, the whole six years; the ups and downs they had shared. Scully, when she had walked into the basement office for the first time with that hideous jacket, brimming with youth and self confidence... Scully, when she had laughed with him, in the rain soaked cemetery, in the very plausible state of Oregon... Scully, when she had rescued him at the base, after they had taken his memories from him... Scully's face, when Mulder had opened his eyes after he had suffered from smoke inhalation... Scully's voice, when she had called for him on his answering machine, when Barry had attacked her. Scully's face, when she had lay upon the hospital bed, after they had returned her. Scully's tears, when he had held her, after Pfaster had terrorized her. Her face, when she had told him she had cancer, in the hospital... Her face, when she had lay dying in that hospital bed from her cancer... The memories had flooded his head, the visions still as hauntingly real as the first time he had experienced them. The most clear memory he had experienced was their near kiss in his darkened hallway. The words which had been spoken and unspoken. Her tear stained face... He had surrounded himself in those fleeting visions, good and bad, holding on to his faith that she would be O.K. He had prayed to every deity which he could think of to spare his partner's life. Scully's life... Hell, his life... For somewhere lost in those vivid memories, buried in their six years together, she had became more than just Scully, she had became his Scully. The center of his universe. The light of his dark interminable night. The breath of his very body. The food of his soul. The love of his life. When they had finally gotten to the hospital, he had nearly ran through those extensive bustling hallways to see her, before she went into surgery. His footfalls joined in succession with the sounds of well worn uniform shoes, as they went about their daily business. When he had finally arrived where she rested, what he had seen nearly shook him to the foundations of his very soul. Scully had been covered with blood, stripped to the waist, strapped to the gurney. Her normally red lips had been blue, her pink cheeks ashen. Mulder had not been able to find out where to touch her. Her body had been so covered with blood, her blood, * his life *, that all he had been able to do was to coo to her as he had stroked her hair until they had pulled her away from him in hopes of saving her life. When she had regained consciousness, his life had begun once again. He had to only breathe for himself. When he had opened his eyes, and her deep blue eyes had met his, he had seen a glimpse of heaven must be. Because from that point on, his heaven had descended to Earth. His Scully had came back to him. He had received the most precious gift he had ever received. The gift of time. Mulder had remained at her side for most of the time she had remained in the hospital. By the time Scully had been discharged, he had came to know each and every one of the people who had been tending to her, personally. As he had watched the colorful tide of professional scrubs come and go, he had left her side only to shower and to eat, which he had done sporadically at best. He had met each and every new sunrise with a reverence and a furor which could have only been provided by Scully's continued presence in his life. Mulder opened the car door, and he stepped into the pouring rain. He reached into the car and pulled out his briefcase. He had been coming every day after work to stay with her after her mother left. He knew that he had been probably driving Scully insane, she deplored weakness and coddling, but what the hell, he wasn't planning on letting her out of his sight for very long in the near future, so she had better get used to it. Mulder shut the door and walked across the pavement to her apartment building, his black trench waving in the stiff wind behind him. Mulder planned to make the most of his time with her. When she was stronger, he planned to tell her how he felt. He had already wasted too much time and he planned to correct the situation, whatever it took. He wasn't sure how she felt about him, his own fear of commitment and lack of trust had driven up walls between them long ago. He knew that she did care, of this much he was sure. But in what way, he wasn't clear. She was a very private person, jealous of her deeply felt but carefully concealed emotions. He knew that he was partially to blame for that. He had time and time again pushed her away, only accepting her in his life when he needed her. He had used and abused her, ditched her time and time again, yet she had remained. She had been there for all of those years, supporting him. She had always been there for him, and if he had anything to say about it, he would be there for her from that moment on. She made him stronger, a better person. She completed him. She deserved the very best, and he was going to make sure that she got it. Mulder walked up the sidewalk, a broad grin skirting across his chiseled face. He ran a hand through his dark, tussled hair, attempting to tame it a bit. Mulder knew his life wasn't perfect, and it never would be, however she made it more than bearable. Hell, she made it wonderful... Please see 2/3... ****************************************************************** Mulder stood outside of the white washed door of Dana Katherine Scully's apartment. He shook the cool rain from his trench. The only sound that filled the deafening silence was the occasional plop of the rainwater which fell about him. As he stood there, he pulled out his key chain from his pocket, as his hands shook from the chill which had set in. Mulder inserted the key, turning it as he opened the door. Mulder knew that it was late, and if she had taken her pain medication she might be napping, so Mulder walked in quietly, hoping that he wouldn't disturb her. Mulder walked to the side shutting the door behind him. His sea- touched hazel eyes surveyed the shadow caressed room about him. Scully's home had always been more of a home to him than his own. She had decorated it in soft earthen tones, subtle and classy. The lines clean and unpretentious. Her choice in decor he felt, was utterly reflective of the enigma which was his Scully. As he walked to the right of the sofa table, he heard a small tired voice speak from the steadily growing darkness. " Mulder? " Scully said, with a low alto intonation. " Evening Sunshine..." Mulder retorted as he walked around the sofa to face her. Mulder noted her lying there, covered in the afghan her mother had given her, with the pillow lying upon her abdomen. She looked too pale for his liking, but he knew that it would be a long road ahead to her recovery. Her hair hung in riotous reddish gold waves around her face. Mulder had never learned until now, after being in such close proximity, her hair was quite wavy, and that she had to style the natural wave out of it. " Hi, " Scully answered shyly. Even in her less than perfect state, the mere presence of him in the room elicited a primal response within her. A slight shiver ran through out her body, the electrical discharge sending her nerves on full alert. Mulder walked over to stand in front of her. Scully could see that he was wearing her favorite gray pinstriped suit. The color brought out the touches of gold which swirled relentlessly in his eyes. Mulder knelt down in front of her and took her cool slender hand in his, his dark framed her light, immortalized for all time. " How are you feeling? Are you in any pain? Do you need anything? ", Mulder inquired softly, a bright smile breaking across his face. Since he had began to come over to her place after work to take care of her, he had found himself enjoying it maybe a little too much. He knew that if given a choice he would do this for the rest of his life. Coming home to her was like coming home, in every since of the word. Unfortunately he knew that it could not go on forever, so he was content and pleased that she had allowed him such an indulgence. Scully smiled slightly saying honestly," No Mulder, I'm tired. Just tired." Mulder continued to caress his thumb across her knuckles soothingly, " How's your Mom? " " O.K.. She left a bit ago. I finally had to kick her out of here. She was driving me crazy, with that * hovering * and all, " Scully voiced with slightly exasperated humor. The deep blue of her eyes flashed brightly even in the poor light. Mulder leaned forward a bit, as he squeezed her hand tightly for a second and then enfolded it within both of his. " Are you sure that * you * didn't do the driving Scully? If I have learned one thing over these last few weeks, doctors do make the worst patients...", he mouthed with a grin, his voice dripping with a sarcastic but loving humor.<< Especially this Doctor...>> " Well, if you guys didn't baby me so...",Scully uttered with a flourish of her free hand as if to make a point. She secretly * really * did love all of the attention, especially from Mulder, but it did get to be a bit much at times. Mulder brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed it gently, the caress sent more dangerous messages throughout her body. << Down Dana, he just kissed your hand...Get your raging hormones under control...>> " You deserve for once to be babied. Geesh, after all of the times you have looked after me. I owe you this and so much more. I know you don't want people to look after you. I know you are * more * than capable. You are the strongest person I know. However, I need to do this. Please let me...", he finished with that pathetic puppy-dog look he knew she could not resist. << Oh, God not the look!!! He knows I cannot refuse him with that look plastered across his face. >> She took a deep breath of resignation and nodded in silent assent as she reached over with her free hand to caress his gently stubbled cheek. Mulder leaned his face into the welcoming gesture, the coolness of her hand causing him to startle a bit. " You look kinda pale, are you sure that I can't get anything for you? " Mulder reiterated. He could see just how tired she was, tiny fine lines were just becoming visible around the corners of her eyes. Scully extracted her hand from his cheek as she tried to limit the intimacy they were sharing, not wanting to threaten him. " Yeah, I'm sure... Mulder," she said softly. " I want to thank you... For everything. You have done so much for me, the last few weeks. It has meant a lot. " " Scully...", he mouthed as he touched her cheek, wanting not to break the physical contact. He secretly loved to touch her, it helped to ground him, gave him security. " It's been my pleasure... Really... I'm just so glad that you are going to be alright. When that prick called and told me what he had done, I nearly lost it. I couldn't stand it if I lost you..." he finished huskily, his voice almost betraying the immeasurable love and respect he felt for her. This time it was Scully, who leaned into the offered hand. She could behold the pain inexorable written across his weary brow. She glanced straight into his eyes, trying to reassure him. " Hey, I'm going to be fine, really. You can't get rid of me that easily. " " I hope so. My life would have no aspiration or focus in it without your presence," Mulder proclaimed lovingly, his hazel eyes filled with honesty. Scully was a little taken back by his comment, and smiled uncertainly as she took a deep breath to do what she had promised herself to do. She reflected about the room as if trying to find the right words to say. << Begin at the beginning, Ahab would always say >>, so she looked into his face and jumped feet first. " Mulder, I need to talk to you about something important. Something that I have been needing to talk to you about for quite a long time. Something that cannot wait any longer." " Sure, Scully...", he said as he tried to shift his weight. << My knees are gonna thank me for this in the morning... >>, he thought dryly. " I want to talk about Fellig, " she said as she struggled to get up from her reclined position. Mulder leaned over to her and helped her up to a seated position, noting the grimace which flashed momentarily across her face. Once he had helped her up, Mulder sat down next to her, turning just enough to face her. " O.K. shoot, " he said quickly. A broad grin grew across his face, and he blushed slightly. " Oops... Sorry about that, " he pronounced with a slight chuckle. << Good going shithead...>> She chorted as a billion watt smile danced graceful across her face. And then as she drew a breath she winced strongly, and she pulled the pillow closer to abdomen to splint it. << Sweet Jesus, that HURTS... >> Mulder noticed her intense discomfort, and raised his eyebrows some, but bit his tongue. << Didn't take you Percocet again, did you...>> He knew that if he pursued the subject further, she would probably grow quite annoyed at him. Mulder didn't mind annoying her, in fact seeing her flustered manner was quite endearing to him, but he knew she needed to conserve her strength. Scully leaned back against the back rest as she began to speak. " Mulder... I honestly do not know what to believe. I mean, the background check and fingerprints substantiated that he was at least 150 years old, and I will buy that. But immortal? That is a stretch." " Scully...", Mulder said with slight warning. He knew that she was having a problem comprehending what had happened, and a problem believing what the true nature of Fellig was. << God, I love her... I just wish she would open up just a little bit more.>> " I know... " she said softly sensing his consternation. " However... I believe that he believed he was." " Mulder, " she expressed softly. " He was so cold...so empty... so alone... He told me he felt ' left behind '. Like he was missing out on the ' big thing ' that every one else got to experience. He was so inhumane. I had always thought that it would be incredible, to have eternity to live and to learn. " " I mean," she said with a sense of wonder. " Think of it ... Forever... What you could do with that much time. He told me it wasn't like that. He envied our mortality." " Mulder, ", she voiced as she leaned towards him just a bit, needing to feel his presence. " Remember when I became very sick from the cancer and I went into the hospital to await my death, I kept remembering something someone had asked me once. He asked me if I had the chance, would I go back and change things. Mulder, as I lie there, I realized that there were * something's * that I would go back and change. Things that I had let slide. Things that really mattered. " Scully took his hand in hers, allowing his warmth to seep into her and it drove away the chill which had settled into her. " After I got better, I promised myself that I would attend to these matters. Unfortunately somehow, after I got out, life went on once again, and I became complacent in my newly acquired sense of immortality. I always thought I had enough time in the world to find my answers that I needed, to complete myself..." Scully looked down at her lap, attempting to will away the warm tears which threatened to fall down upon her face. " When I felt that bullet hit me... I felt that false sense of immortality fall away, leaving me bare and vulnerable. However, in that same instant, I felt no fear. The pain was gone instantaneously, and in it's wake was... It was like I was bathed in a sea of warmth and security enclosed within the bright light which I could see before me. I felt safe, protected and loved. From that light, I began to see... images... feel emotions of memories long since buried. I saw my whole life before me, like a movie of sorts...", she trailed off slowly, her energy was fading fast and she needed to catch her breath. Mulder sat there stunned. His face poised in surprise. In all of the years they had been together, she had never shared so much of herself with him. He continued to look at her, her face hidden from view. He knew that this was very hard for her, to open up, and he felt honored for her having chosen him to open up to. Mulder spoke quietly, trying to carefully direct the conversation with out seeming to pushy. " It kind of sounds like the traditional life review, that people have spoken of in preparation for their crossing over to the other side. " " I realize that ", she said carefully, her alto inflection just beginning to quaver a little from the tremendous emotions she was experiencing. " I always thought it was a chemical reaction which occurred in the brain just before the time of death, but it was so * real *. I saw Ahab...Missy...Emily. " Scully took a deep breath, the tears which had threatened to fall earlier, now fell gently down her pale cheeks. " They were there, in my memories and in the light. Waiting for me... I saw my life with such a clarity and insight unlike anything I have ever experienced before. " " Mulder, " she said as she looked up at him, her last wall between them now absent. Her azure blue eyes shining with contemplation. " I could sense death... It was there for me, just like he had said it would be. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see anything except for my review which became faster and more focused with time, but I could feel it's presence in the room, hovering just above me, like a fog almost. " " As I felt myself slipping away, I could hear Fellig's voice. He told me not to look, to close my eyes, and I did. I felt him take my hand, yet I couldn't respond. The light was so wonderful yet I made a conscious choice to live. He took my place, so that I may live...", she declared with great emotion, her face touched with pain. " Scully...", Mulder said softly, wrapping his arm around her shoulder closest to him. He knew that she was treading on uncharted territory for her, opening up and being this honest. At that moment, he swore he couldn't love her any more than he did at that very second. " Do you know why I stayed, Mulder? Why I didn't choose eternity? I saw it... I tasted it...Just beyond my reach. Just like I had before, when they returned me... When I had my cancer... I * saw * it, yet I gave it up...I didn't look. ", she asked pleadingly, her cerulean blue eyes full of longing. " I found it," she said with awe. " I found the icon of my beliefs. I found my truth. My light...My salvation... It had taken all of my life to find it. I guess that I consciously knew that it was there before, I just thought I had all the time in the world in which to explore it..." Mulder sat there stunned, her revelation a bombshell to him. He had known all along what his truth was, and he had done the very same thing, he had take time for granted. " Mulder," she said softly, as she brought her hand to his cheek, stroking the warm skin which she found there. " I have something I need to say... Something I need to tell you, something I think you need to hear. I have no preconceived notions from this, you don't owe me anything..." " Scully... tell me what it is...", Mulder begged desperately, his eyes filled with pain. << Please God. Please let it not be that she wants to leave me...>> " Mulder, " she voiced emotionally, " I came back for you... I gave up forever because I couldn't leave you..." She looked at him, as she searched his face for his reaction. She slowly blinked her eyes, trying to focus through the tears which welled there. End 2/3 Unexpected Disclosures 3/3 MSR By Joylynn Wing ***************************************************************** " Mulder, " she voiced emotionally, " I came back for you... I gave up forever because I couldn't leave you..." She looked at him, as she searched his face for his reaction. She slowly blinked her eyes, trying to focus through the tears which welled there. " Scully...", he finally whispered softly, barely above a whisper. His face full of a mixture of confusion and awe. His hazel eyes filled with tears which he tried to blink back. << She came back for me. Oh, God. She came back for me. Thank you Fellig, for having helped her come back to me. >> Scully spoke softly, this time her voice now composed. She knew she could do this. She knew that the time had arrived. << O.K. Dana, take it home...>> " I could sense the importance of the moment... Of what was to come... But in the end, I couldn't leave... I just kept seeing your face. Over and over... I relived every moment that I have ever spent with you. You have given me so much. When you told me that I owed you nothing, you were wrong. I owe you everything. I owe you my life, several times over. Physically as well as spiritually. You have helped to give my life such meaning. Such purpose. You have challenged me to go beyond myself, to seek outside of my usual avenues. You have given me your trust and your respect, a precious gift that I hold dear. I wouldn't change a moment that I have spent with you Mulder... I don't regret a single thing," she finished brightly with a heart stopper of a smile perched upon her face. " Scully...", Mulder expressed softly. He was now in shock. No one had ever told him they cared about him so very much. Sure, there had been other women, but they had fallen short of the mark. Even when they had told him, I love you, it hadn't meant as much as the words Scully had just spoken to him. << God, she is my everything >> he mused silently. " Fellig told me something... Something I really whole heartedly believe is true. I don't want another single moment to pass without you knowing. No matter what happens, to know that I told you sets me free. I don't want to be around when it is gone. I want to * own * it now, I want back my humanity. I Love You... " Mulder sat there stunned. His face nearly falling into his lap. He had never expected to hear those three little word fall from her rosebud red lips. << Shelovesmeshelovesmeshelovesme >>, ran through his head like a mantra, a mantra of truth which set him free, for the first time in his life. Scully continued to speak seemingly unaware of his total shock " I have a feeling that you were not told that often as a child. And I know no one tells you that as a adult. * I love you * You are everything to me... I do not expect you to reciprocate, I don't expect anything. If you wish to never speak of this again, I will respect your wishes. That is not what this is about. Fellig couldn't feel love. He couldn't feel anything anymore. I don't want to live like that. You have given me so much, I want to give this to you. I had to come back... I think he knew that. He gave me this, the most precious of gifts. He gave me time. " " Mulder," she spoke with great care and love, " Life is to short, to precious to waste a single moment of it with self recriminations. Words unsaid can be as lethal as words said, probably even more so. I will never willingly leave you. I will always be by your side, supporting you. We will find your truth, of this I swear. I know it will be * soon *, I can feel it." " Now, I believe the Bible is more of a figurative account than of a literal account of events yet, my faith, no matter how lapsed it is, had always taught me that immortality is procured through God's grace, through his love... From his sacrifice for us. Our immortality, the only one that matters, is through loving and being loved. You deserve to hear it, to know you are loved. To know that you are not alone... I know that your life has not been easy, I really wish I could fix that. However I do not have that in my power. I do have in my power, the ability to change the future. From this moment forth, that is what I plan to do. " Mulder looked at her incredulously, and said softly, the pain evident in his low baritone intonation as well as his chiseled visage. " Scully... I do not know what to say... That is the last thing I ever expected to hear from you... " Mulder ran a long, slender hand through his dark glossy hair as he looked down at his lap. He was impressed that he had gotten that much out. He had wanted to believe that she could love him, but now his rational mind was already working overtime. << Jesus, that is what this is all about. She knows I love her. She feels a need to show me compassion, to give me pity. Poor Mulder he is all alone and lonely, I will save him. >> " Mulder?", she asked with confusion. She tilted her head to the side and bit her lower lip as she took his hands that were in his lap in hers. She wasn't sure what he had meant from that comment. She hadn't expected vows of undying love, but she hadn't expected to hear that either. " Is this about what I had told you? When I told you that I loved you? " He queried quietly, his face twisted in disgust, afraid of what he might hear. He took his hands away from her and leaned back some giving himself some distance. Scully sat there for a second, her mind trying to understand what what he had just said. << He thinks I am trying to trap him into something he isn't interested in. >> A lump grew in her throat, causing her to become a bit dizzy. << I guess I know how he really feels about me... but what did I expect... Get over it Dana, you will live... >> Scully spoke quickly, trying to will away the pain which had suddenly welled up in her soul. " Mulder... I told you... This can end here. I don't expect anything. I just wanted to give this to you... It has nothing to do with what you told me. " Mulder looked at her puzzled for one second << So much for good communication skill >>, he said silently with a shrug. << I guess that I had better spell it out for her..>> " No, that is not what I meant. Is this pity? If so I do not want that. I thought you respected me more than that...", he said dejectedly, his tired face full of anguish. Scully grabbed him by the forearm and squeezed gently, forcing his attention to her. She met his eyes, loosing herself once again in their swirling depths and spoke with a stern, no nonsense tone. " Mulder look at me. Look into my eyes, do you see pity. " Mulder stared back into her unfathomable depths. What he saw was not pity, it was not even compassion. What he saw was love, unconditional undying love and devotion. He also saw a healthy dose of fear mixed with... << Oh God. That's not pity all right... She really loves me, and not platonically either. >> He took a breath trying to steel himself for the truth, he saw way more than just love. He saw himself reflected in her eyes, surrounded with passion and with desire. Scully smiled brightly, his face telling her that he had finally gotten it. << Yep, we definitely have to work on those communication skills... >> " You once told me that the truth would save both of us. I believe that you are right. You are my truth, my love for you * is * my immortality. I don't want to feel cold and desolate. I want to feel the warmth and the light that love brings. I want to...", her voice trailed off. She looked down at her lap. She didn't want to say anymore and make him feel overwhelmed. She definitely didn't want him to feel trapped or any such thing. " Scully, do you know how beautiful you are? ", Mulder asked softly. Mulder reached up and touched the delicate skin of her lips, stroking it gently with the pad of his thumb. Scully sat there, her eyes diverted from his attention, clad in a loose ratty T-shirt, with her hair all askew and blushed brightly. In spite of her harried, tired appearance, her inner beauty enhanced the outer beauty, creating an image almost angelic in it's quality. She was simply breath taking. Scully mumbled softly, she wasn't one to accept complements easily, they made her feel uncomfortable at best. She had never thought that she was repulsive or anything, but she had never really contemplated her attractiveness to others, it just wasn't in her to do so. Other, more important matters had always occupied her thoughts. " Mulder I'm a wreck. I haven't been able to do my hair... My make up... I look pale... " Mulder lifted her chin up with his forefinger and thumb and he gazed longingly into her eyes, trying to have her see herself through his eyes. " No Scully. Seriously, you are beautiful..." " Please...", she said once again, this time the blush stealed down her neck to grace her freckled shoulders. " You really don't see it do you? Outside. Inside... Your * whole * being radiates beauty and grace. You are such a loving, compassionate, intelligent, talented and awe-inspiring woman. ", he added enthusiastically. He had never seen her more flustered than he was experiencing at that moment. Scully looked into his eyes, her disbelief so very apparent upon her tired countenance. Her energy was near empty, and what he was telling her she simply could not process at that moment. " Scully... Your humility astonishes me. You really * are * wonderful. I still cannot believe that you love me, " he said softly his mind still in shock, his hazel eyes filled with wonder. " Always... You can count on me... " Scully took a deep breath and continued to speak softly. " Mulder? Could you help me to get up? I'm feeling tired, and I would like to go lay down. " Scully looked at him, her eyes hooded and unfocused. She found it very hard to continue this conversation. Her exhaustion was now at it's peak and she needed a little time to refocus. The pain in her abdomen was also just starting to become unbearable to her, so she found her self entertaining the thought of her pain medication. << Mmmmm. A couple of those little red pills would do the trick just about now. >> Mulder could see the distress evident in her personage so he stood up and bent over slightly to allow her to put her arms around his neck. He placed his arms under hers and wrapped them around her. With a gentle, swift motion, he assisted her to her rather unsteady feet. Scully fell against him from the momentum, her balance still off from the prolonged bed rest. Scully smiled shyly up at him as she steadied herself. " Sorry," she said quietly as she blushed brightly and lowered her face from his view. Her body was alert and sensitive to his close proximity. She could feel the body heat rising off him in palatable waves and she attempted to quell the rising tide of desire which threatened to engulf her. Mulder also was feeling the effects of their proximity. Even after six years of close proximity, she still drove his hormones to distraction. He could smell her, a mixture of Ivory soap, talcum powder and a undertone which he couldn't quite make out, the essence which he could describe as being only Scully. " Scully? " Mulder asked quietly, his voice husky and low. " Mmmmm, " she replied inarticulately. She knew that she shouldn't be allowing him to effect her like this. They were partners, the very best of friends, even soul mates, but they were only platonic and nothing more. However, logic was not dictating her at this point, love was... Mulder looked down at her, sensing her state of mind. Mulder lifted her chin up with his long slender hand, and gazed into her ocean blue depths. He knew that he could loose himself in those unfathomable depths, and he took a big leap of faith to sink into her love. << In for a penny, in for a pound...>> " You know what I said before? " Mulder uttered in honeyed tones as his voice dripped with sensuality. " About what? " She managed to squeak out, her eyes glazed and unfocused. Her exhaustion was getting to her, and her defenses were falling quickly. She was utterly mortified by her undignified behavior, but she couldn't seem to gather her wits about her at the moment. << Good going Dana, why don't you just take out a TV ad saying in big bold print ' Screw me big boy... ' >> Mulder found Scully's rather disjointed state quite amusing. He had never seen her so utterly unfocused. The pale skin of her face was slightly flushed, her red lips slightly pursed and parted, revealing her perfect white teeth. He could see the shallow and rapid breaths she was taking, the movement reflected by the uneven rise and fall of her over sized T- shirt. The shirt had fallen down, to the side, revealing a pale freckle caressed shoulder, the gentle swell of her breast was accentuated by the material. " What I said after you fished me out of the ocean, " he mused softly, his attention finally back on the topic. " Yeah...", she muttered shyly as she began to refocus her thoughts. Her blue eyes glittered brightly in the dim light. " I meant every word of it. I wasn't delusional... It wasn't the drugs. I just finally had the courage to say what I felt. I love you. " Mulder reached up and stroked the soft waves of her golden red hair. Scully looked up at him, her face displayed her shock quite clearly. Her eyes were wide with disbelief, one of her graceful eyebrows arched gently on her forehead. " Mulder? " Scully asked in disbelief, hope beginning to burn brightly in her soul. Mulder brought his hand to the soft skin of her cheek, he stroked it gently, his eyes glittered with unshed tears. " Honestly... You gave me the truth... You deserve full disclosure. I love you. You are everything to me. You are my strength and my truth. Ever since I lost Sam, I have felt lost, alone. Until you. From the moment that you walked into my life, My life has had such beauty and grace. You gave that to me. Your faith in and your respect of me has meant more than I can ever express. You are the star in my endless night. You are the warmth in my cold soul. Until you came to me, I was alone and cold. You chased that all away. I was like Fellig, empty. You gave me back my humanity, just as you did for him. Scully searched his eyes for the truth, hoping beyond hope that she was hearing him correctly. His eyes, told her all that he needed to know. " Really? ", she said softly, her mind reeling from his disclosure. Mulder brought his hand down from the glistening satin of her hair, and brought his hand to her cheek, as he dragged his thumb across the lush landscape of her crimson lips his hazel eyes almost black with desire. "Oh, yes... And much more... " Suddenly Scully's world came crashing down around her. The room began to spin, and her equilibrium failed her as she grabbed for Mulder's shoulders when her knees gave way beneath her slight feet. " Oh God, " she muttered as her eyes lost their focus. Mulder was totally caught of guard, when she began to crumple before him. Mulder grabbed her under her arms and gently eased her back onto the sofa. Then he sat down next to her and he searched her face with his concerned gaze as he reached over and steadied her shaking shoulders. " Are you O.K. ", he asked forcefully, panic just beginning to set it. Scully nodded slightly, her dizziness suddenly abated. She forced her eyes to focus and met his gaze. She saw the panic clearly written across his face. << So that's your real panic face Mulder... >> " Yeah, I think so... You really love me? " Scully managed to groan out. Scully's eyes were filled with disbelief, as she reached up with a rather unsteady hand and tucked an errant strand of copper behind her ear. " Yeah, " Mulder said with a chuckle, realizing that nothing was seriously wrong. " However this is the first time a woman has swooned over my admission of love for her..." " Mullldeeeer, I didn't swoon, I was a little lightheaded that's all. " She muttered angrily with a touch of denial. << Sure, light headed, that's it.>> Mulder leaned over towards her a bit as he asked " Can I get you anything? " Scully managed a nervous smile, her blue eyes cast downward towards the carpeting. " No, I guess not. I guess that I never expected to hear that from you that's all. " " I guess that this was a night of unexpected disclosures for both of us... Soooo... Where do we go from here? ", Mulder questioned as he touched her chin to bring her eyes up to meet his. As he did this, she met his gaze with renewed strength " Forward, I guess, " she said honestly. " All I know is that I love you, and if you want to pursue further, I am willing to do whatever it takes. I am not willing to let * them * or anyone else keep me from living the rest of my life. I am willing to fight for this, for you. " " Scully... Nothing is more important than this... Than us... " Mulder said as began to lean over, his warm breath mixing with hers. << Do it Mulder, go for what you want... No more denial..>> Scully leaned over towards Mulder, bent on meeting him half way, partners as always, give and take at it's very best. << He's finally going to kiss me...It's about damn time...>> She gazed lovingly into his eyes, their souls finally uniting as one as their lips met. One heartbeat... One breath... One soul... For all of eternity... Love, the greatest of gifts from God. Our insurance of immortality. Through love, in love, by love, we are granted a glimpse of what lies beyond the tangible. A glimpse perchance of heaven? Death is not an end, instead it is a new journey upon which we will all embark when our live cycle ends upon the mortal earth. Through love, we are connected to the ones we love, in this world and the next. Our souls returning and through rebirth, we share, learn and love one again. Immortality... Author's notes: This is dedicated to my grandmother who died the Tuesday after this Epi was aired. May you find love in God's embrace. Please send feedback... aljoyw@a-znet.com