From: LiveHead16@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 03:28:25 EST
Subject: Unraveled  (1/1)
Source: direct


Title:           Unraveled  (1/1)

Author:          Larissa Lee 

Classification:  S, A

Rating:          PG-13

Distribution:    Archive as you please, just let me know so I can
                 visit!

Disclaimer:      Mulder, Scully and Skinner are, alas, not mine.
                 They belong to the good folks at 1013 Productions
                 and Fox, and to the man himself, Chris Carter.  I'm
                 just borrowing them 'cause I can't get them out 
                 of my head.

Author Notes:    The song lyrics aren't mine, either.  Credit
                 for them goes to Melissa Etheridge and her
                 awesome new tune, "Breakdown".

Feedback:        Please, please, please!!
                 LiveHead16@aol.com

*************************
"How could I stay?
 How could I breathe?
 There had to be more for me.
 Promises gone
 Plastic and stone
 I'm doing fine, all alone."

Dana Scully stepped out of the William J. Green Federal Office 
Building to get some welcome fresh air.  She'd been knee-deep in 
autopsy photos and reports all morning, and the fabulous fall air 
was beckoning to her.  The early-lunch crowd was beginning to 
fill the sidewalks, and she leaned against the building to watch 
them scurry past.

Scully was an inveterate people-watcher, a skill that served her 
well in the investigative portion of her work.  But what she 
really liked was to hone in briefly on individual passersby and 
try to figure them out.  Who was that woman in the too-large 
business suit?  Had she recently lost weight?  Had a baby?  Or 
was she just desperate to be taken seriously in a male-dominated 
profession?  The young man with the serious reading glasses but 
relaxed attire. A student?  Professor?  Artist?  Did he have 
children?  A wife?  He looked like a city-dweller, but maybe he 
had a house in the suburbs with two large dogs to keep him 
company.  Yes, Scully decided, he definitely looked like a dog 
person.

She craned her neck and was able to catch a glimpse of a horse-
drawn tourist buggy as it made its way down to Independence Hall.  
Next to D.C., this was undoubtedly the most patriotically-
oriented city in the nation.  It was easy to be a government 
employee here.  When the minutiae and the red tape overwhelmed 
her, she looked out upon Liberty Bell Plaza and remembered why 
she chose this career in the first place.

Gulping down one last dose of crisp air, Scully went back inside 
and up to the office she shared with her team.  They were hard at 
work on a serial-murder case, and a team composed of various 
fields of expertise had been assembled.  She, of course, was 
considered the forensics expert, no small task when there had 
been twelve murders so far.

Their office was filled with natural light, a welcome contrast to 
Scully's former working quarters.  As she entered, Agent Beth 
Pearson walked over to her, wanting to know if she'd found 
anything new.  Scully, unfortunately, had nothing to offer, but 
the two began enthusiastically discussing aspects of the case.

Beth was about the same age as Scully, an outgoing brunette with 
a quick smile.  It had been so long since Scully had had a close 
female friend that she sometimes felt off-kilter trying to keep 
up with Beth.  But it felt so good to discuss things with another 
female agent.  Besides, Beth had promptly dragged Scully into her 
social circle, which had helped ease the transition.

In addition to her natural kinship with Beth, Scully enjoyed 
working with all the male members of the team.  There was a 
mutual respect among them that had led to some productive work so 
far.  They trusted her knowledge of forensics, and also of 
investigative matters.  If her reputation as Mrs. Spooky had 
preceded her, no one was paying it much heed.

Scully sat down with Beth and Bruce, another agent, to go through 
the crime scene reports yet again, just in case they had missed 
something.  The morning light soon faded to late afternoon 
shadows.  Before they knew it, some of the other team members had 
returned to report on some interviews they had conducted that 
day.

Finally, sometime after six, they called it a night.  Beth then 
proceeded to forcibly persuade her to come out for a drink.  
Scully was intent on nursing her cosmopolitan and trying to 
follow Beth's patter when the door to the pub opened.  Several of 
Beth's friends piled in.  They'd been drinking for a little 
while, and they were boisterous and happy.

Scully had met most of them before, including the man whose dark 
eyes sought her blue ones.  His name was Justin, and he was an 
assistant D.A.  The way he looked at her was both terrifically 
flattering and incredibly unsettling.  Beth had been trying to 
play matchmaker for weeks now.  When Scully resisted, Beth 
admonished her, "You need to get over that loser, Dana.  Besides, 
he's far away now."

Scully cringed at the word "loser," but Beth was right about him 
being far away.  Relatively speaking, that was.  Too far away to 
watch bad movies with her at night.  Too far away to play 
Scrabble with her when the movies became unbearably bad.  Too far 
away to guide her gently with his hand on the small of her back.  
But, then, that had been the idea.

She wasn't even sure exactly when she had told Beth about Mulder.  
But Scully knew she had told only the most basic details to her 
new friend, unable to face some truths and unwilling to divulge 
many others.  She hadn't planned on telling her any of it.  Which 
was all the more reason to get the hell out of this bar.

She excused herself as politely as she could, which still wasn't 
good enough for Beth's raucous friends.  After several rounds of 
protests and more than one disappointed look from Justin, Scully 
finally made her way out the door.

It was quite nippy outside, and Scully decided to hail a cab.  
She had walked to work that morning, but she could already feel a 
chill settling in her bones now.  The cab ride was short, and 
before long, Scully emerged in front of her rented townhouse.

The house was unassuming, but cozy.  Scully had been shopping for 
a small apartment originally.  Then she had considered the 
suburbs.  But the thought of battling traffic every morning on 
the infamous Schuylkill Expressway or over one of the bridges to 
Jersey put an end to the suburb idea.  When she found this house, 
it was love at first sight.  It was very close to work and in a 
recently renovated part of town.  She hadn't regretted her 
choice.

In fact, she hadn't regretted much of anything about her move to 
Philadelphia.  She was doing fulfilling work at the field office, 
had a great house, and was even making some friends.  She no 
longer felt as if her every move was being watched or, worse, 
choreographed by some unseen hand.  She wasn't naive enough to 
think that They weren't still keeping tabs on her.  But as long 
as They were doing it from a distance, she could handle it.

And then there was Justin.  She thought briefly about him as she 
went through her mail.  He really was quite handsome.  And 
successful, to boot.  On the occasions when she had summoned the 
nerve to actually talk to him, he had proven to be intelligent, 
well-read, and even funny.  In short, a great guy.  A great 
catch, as Beth described him.

So why was she so terrified when he flirted with her?  She just 
wasn't ready yet.  She still felt no sense of closure from her 
previous relationship.  If that's what you wanted to call it.  
But what other name could she give it?  Partnership?  It had been 
much more than that.  "Friendship" didn't begin to cover it.  No 
one had yet invented a word to describe what she and Mulder had 
had together.

Had.  Scully hated using past tense regarding Mulder, but that 
had been her choice.  It had finally gotten to the point where it 
was too much for her.  The insane cases, the constant travel, the 
ever-present danger, and the complicated relationship with the 
only person who knew her better than she knew herself.

He hadn't seen this coming, though.  She had blindsided him with 
her announcement that she was leaving.  How could she have 
discussed it with him, though?  He would only have tried to talk 
her out of it.  Again.  Maybe even tried to kiss her again.  No, 
she thought, it was better this way.

She hadn't heard from him since the night in his apartment when 
she'd told him she was going.  She wasn't surprised.  He was 
probably locked in a vault of guilt and self-pity, in that 
infuriating way of his.  She knew his pride wouldn't allow him to 
be the one to make contact.  Yet, a few times a week she came 
home to hang-ups on her answering machine, as if someone was 
calling just to listen to her outgoing message.

It wasn't as if she didn't miss him.  She did, every day.  And 
with this tough case they were working on, his skills would be 
invaluable.  At least once a week, Scully found herself with her 
hand on the phone, ready to dial his number.  But she didn't feel 
strong enough yet.  And she couldn't bear the thought that he 
would be cold to her, as he was by the time he ushered her out of 
his apartment that night without so much as a hug goodbye.

She was slowly building a life here, a life that was hers again.  
She had quietly asked Skinner to keep his ears open for an 
appropriate out-of-town posting for her.  When he had called her 
into his office one day and offered her Philadelphia, she thought 
it was a perfect fit.  The position suited her skills, and she 
was only a few hours' drive away from her mother.  Scully tried 
to ignore the irony of the fact that she had gone to the City of 
Brotherly Love the last time she ran away from Mulder.

With a sigh, Scully settled down onto her couch and flicked on 
the television.  She flipped past a few bad sitcoms, a couple of 
newsmagazines and a documentary, settling on a random Adam 
Sandler movie.  She wanted to lose herself in some mindless 
comedy and forget everything else.  After a few minutes, it was 
working.  And then the phone rang.
********************

"I cannot run.
 I cannot hide.
 It came with me, locked inside.
 The bough will break,
 Cradle will fall.
 It only takes one call."

Scully picked up the phone, expecting it to be her mother, or 
maybe Beth.  Instead, she was startled by a familiar deep voice.

"Agent Scully?

"Sir?" she replied, her eyes widening as she recognized Skinner's 
voice.

"Agent Scully, I'm sorry to disturb you at home so late, but 
there's... a situation here that I think you should be aware of."

"What is it?" Scully asked, all her senses suddenly on the alert.

There was a pause, then Skinner slowly continued, "Agent Mulder's 
not well.  He hasn't been well for some time, but I didn't want 
to worry you unnecessarily."

Scully could feel her throat closing with fear, but she managed 
to choke out a response.  "What's wrong with him?  Where is he?"

"He's at American.  Room 416.  He... well, I guess the best way to 
describe it is he had a nervous breakdown.  I don't know what the 
doctors are calling it."

"Oh my God," Scully said, almost inaudibly.  "Is he OK?"

"Well, they've got him on some serious medication, and they're 
keeping him here under a suicide watch."

Scully couldn't answer him this time.  Her eyes were filling, and 
her lips were trembling.  She was afraid to speak; she wasn't sure
what would come out of her mouth.

"Agent Scully?"

"Yes?" she whispered.

"I know you went to Philadelphia partly to be away from Agent 
Mulder for a while.  But he's been asking for you.  Repeatedly."

There was no decision to be made.  Scully swallowed hard, trying 
to make her voice sound resolute.  "I'll be there as fast as I 
can."

She could hear the relief in Skinner's voice as he replied, 
"Good.  I'll be here when you get here."

Scully hung up the phone and headed straight for the door, keys 
in hand.  It wasn't till she got there that it dawned on her that 
maybe she'd better put on some shoes.  And a coat.  Maybe she 
should put some things in a bag.

Growling in frustration at the delay, wanting only to go straight 
to his side, she ran up the stairs to her bedroom.  Grabbing an 
overnight bag, she hurriedly threw in a few sets of clothes and 
her few necessary toiletries.  Her heart was pounding audibly, as 
if it were counting the seconds she was wasting.  Stuffing her 
feet into her shoes and her arms into a light jacket, she ran 
back downstairs and out the door, almost forgetting to lock it 
behind her.

She was almost to I-95 before she realized that she needed to 
call work.  Shit.  She couldn't call her SAC in this condition.  
A light went on in her panic-addled brain.  Beth!  Beth could 
explain it for her.  She grabbed her cell phone and punched the 
button for Beth's number.

When Beth answered, Scully could tell she was still at the bar.

"Hello?" Beth yelled.

"Beth, it's me, Dana."

"Dana!" Beth crowed.  Scully cringed, thinking of Justin's ears 
perking up at the mention of her name.  She felt as if she had 
betrayed Mulder by even talking to Justin.  Betrayal.  Suddenly 
the thought of Justin made her feel as if she would throw up.

Beth was still yelling something in her ear.  "Dana?  Are you 
there?"

"Beth, can you do me a favor and go somewhere quieter?  I have to 
tell you something."

"OK, hang on," Beth said obligingly.  Scully heard her picking 
her way through a crowd and then heard a door open and shut.  Now 
all Scully heard in the background was an occasional car.  "Brr.  
It's cold out here.  OK.  What's up?"

"I'm on my way to D.C., and I need you to explain to Marcus for 
me.  I don't know how long I'll be gone.  Something's happened to 
my partner."

"You mean your ex-partner," Beth said, a little drunkenly.  "The 
loser."

"He is not a loser," Scully said, with so much force that it 
sobered Beth up a little.

"OK, OK, I'm sorry.  What happened?"

"He's in the hospital.  I don't have many details."

"OK.  And you don't know when you'll be back?"

Scully could feel her resolve weakening again, and she knew she 
needed to put an end to this phone call.  "No, I don't know.  
Will you tell Marcus for me?" she pressed.

"Yes, yes, of course."

"OK, thanks.  I've got to go.  Bye."

Her voice cracked on the last syllable, and she hung up the phone 
before Beth could ask any more questions.
*********************

"So you're having a breakdown.
 So you're losing the fight.
 So you're having a breakdown.
 And I'm driving and crying,
 Unraveled and flying,
 I'm coming to your breakdown tonight."

As she sped down I-95, the dam began to break.  Tears rolled down 
her face in torrents.  All the pain and anguish she had pushed 
down deep for the past four months now came raging to the surface 
and spilled over.  Feelings of guilt and remorse washed over her.  
How could she have done that to him?  What if he didn't recover 
from this?  She felt conceited for being so certain she was the 
reason for his breakdown.  But she knew in her heart it was true.

The tears wouldn't stop, and she could hardly see where she was 
going.  The Delaware Memorial Bridge went by in a blur, and all 
she could think of was Mulder jumping off of it.  Suicide watch?  
Jesus Christ.  The bridge triggered other images as well.  Mulder 
giving up the woman he thought was his sister in order to save 
her.  Mulder screaming as the other woman was thrown to her 
death.  Mulder had saved her life that night, one of many times 
he had done so.  And she had repaid him by leaving.  She wept 
harder and harder, till it didn't seem possible there was any air 
left in her lungs.

It was fortunate there was so little traffic at this hour.  
Scully's lane-changing ability was certainly not up to snuff.  
But there was no way she could stop.  He needed her, and she 
pressed on.
**********************

"So you're having a breakdown
 And you need me tonight.
 And I'm driving and crying,
 Unraveled and flying,
 I'm coming to your breakdown tonight."

Scully arrived at the hospital in world-record time, silently 
thanking God she hadn't run across any state troopers.  Taking 
the elevator to the fourth floor, she found Skinner waiting for 
her as promised.

"Agent Scully."  He rose to his feet to greet her.

"How is he?" she asked breathlessly.

"He's OK.  They're trying to get him to sleep."  He looked at her 
with concern.  "How are you?"

Scully realized she must look awful.  The tears had dried up 
somewhere in northern Maryland, but her eyes were red and 
swollen, and she was a mess.  She gathered her composure and 
replied, "I'm fine."

Skinner eyed her doubtfully, and motioned for her to sit down.  
She started to protest, but Skinner gave her a stern look, and 
she sat.

He took the seat next to her.  "Let me tell you what I know 
before you go in there."

She nodded.  "OK.  Yes, I guess that's a good idea."

"Agent Mulder's behavior has been erratic for some time now.  
More erratic than usual.  He's only been showing up for work 
sporadically, and he doesn't seem very interested when he's 
there.  He's only been in the field a few times since you left, 
and he's only solved one case."

"One?  In four months?" Scully gasped.  That was way below 
Mulder's career average.

Skinner nodded, letting that sink in before he continued, "I've 
been keeping an eye on him as best I can.  I figured he would 
work it out for himself eventually.  But when he didn't show up 
for a division meeting this morning, I realized I hadn't heard 
from him in almost two weeks.  So after trying to call him with 
no success, I went to his apartment.  I had to get his landlord 
to let me in.  I found him on his couch, half-delirious.  He 
tried to tell me to get out, but he was too weak to do anything 
about it."

"Oh my God," Scully croaked, tears welling up in her eyes once 
more.

"When we got here, the doctor said he was malnourished and 
dehydrated.  Looks like he spent the better part of the last two 
weeks on that couch.  They've got him on fluid and nourishing 
IV's, in addition to the sedatives.  He was very opposed to 
coming here."

Scully stood up and made a move toward Mulder's room.

"Agent Scully-" Skinner stopped her.  "He's... just be prepared.  
He's not himself."

Just then, a low, keening moan of "Scully..." came from inside the 
room, and she thought she would die right then and there.  Paying 
no further attention to Skinner, she turned and went into his 
room.  It was dark except for a light on near the bed.  She all 
but ran across the room, stopping short when she got close enough 
for a good look at him.

He was pale and sweating visibly.  And thin... he must have lost 
twenty pounds off his already-lean frame since she left.  He was 
spending what little strength he had in thrashing weakly in the 
bed.  The floodgates opened again as her eyes tried to cleanse 
themselves of the vision before her.  No, no, no, no, no... this 
wasn't happening.

She sidled up to his bedside, not sure if she wanted to disturb 
his fitful sleep.  She didn't know yet if her presence would do 
more harm than good.  As soon as she stood next to him, though, 
his eyes opened slowly, looking at her through seemingly 
unfocused lenses.

"Mulder, it's me," she whispered, choking back her sobs.

"Scully?" he rasped.  And despite the haze of drugs, a light went 
on somewhere deep inside his hazel eyes.

"Yes, Mulder, I'm here.  I'm right here."  Her legs wobbled, and 
she thought she would collapse under the combined weight of his 
need and her emotions.  She quickly dragged a chair as close to 
his side as possible.  Falling into it, she reached for his hand 
through the guardrail mounted along the side of his bed.  As she 
twined her fingers in his, he squeezed tightly, his eyes gazing 
intently, if somewhat uncomprehendingly, into hers.

"It's OK, Mulder.  I'm here now.  I'm right here."  She couldn't 
stop saying it, as if she were trying to reassure herself as much 
as him.  "I'm right here.  Go to sleep."  Right on cue, his 
eyelids fell shut.  She exhaled, and her head dropped.  Sobs 
began to wrack her body once more.  Pretty soon, Mulder wasn't 
going to be the only dehydrated one in this room.  She wasn't 
sure how long she sat like that, trying to quiet herself so she 
wouldn't wake Mulder again.  Finally, she felt herself drifting 
away to sleep.

Before long, there came a garbled attempt at "Scully?"

Lifting her head, she found him staring at her again, a little 
more lucid this time.

"Yes, Mulder?"

"Don't leave me."  

Her breath caught in her throat.

"I won't, Mulder, not ever again."

"Promise?"  

Scully nodded, as the vise grip on her heart tightened another notch.

"Scully?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

This time she believed him wholeheartedly, drugs or no drugs.  A 
radiant smile broke through her tears.

"I know, Mulder.  I love you, too."

He smiled shyly back at her, his eyes following her as she stood 
up and lowered the guardrail along the bed.  She knew he wasn't 
going anywhere now.  She sat back down in her chair and laid her 
head down on his bed, by his chest where she could hear his heart 
beating.

"Goodnight, Scully.  See you in the morning," he said, sounding 
for all the world like a little boy.

"Yes, you will, Mulder," she whispered, "Yes, you will."

***********************

OK, guys, that was my first one.  Please tell me what you thought!!
LiveHead16@aol.com

Special thanks to Amanda and Myrtle for reading for me!