From z004799b@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us Sat Nov 23 12:30:50 1996 I hope you don't mind, but I tried posting this story through my Icanect service and I think it's not working either...:( Also, this came to me a few hours after seeing the movie (you know which movie!...), so any spelling/grammatical errors you find are completely intentional... Very Bad Poetry, Captain (an X-Files/Star Trek: First Contact crossover) by. Paul Wartenberg COPYRIGHT: Are you kidding? I'm violating so many copyright restrictions with this thing I might as well surrender to the Thought Police right now. In the meantime, Mulder and Scully are owned by Chris Carter, Picard and Data are owned by Gene Roddenberry, and my ass is owned by various debtor institutions. Since I'm poor, you'll have no fun suing me, anyhoo... The title is from a scene in the TOS episode "Catspaw". Bonus points to those who remember what the line is in response to. SUMMARY: No. Uh-uh. I'm going to make you guess. Kelsy's archive rating for this should be "H" for humor. FBI Headquarters Basement Present day (Mulder and Scully are sitting at their desks discussing their favorite "Rocky and Bullwinkle" episodes) Mulder: What about the series where they find the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam? Scully (Groans): Mulder, please, the one where Boris and Natasha try to... (There's a knock on the door. Two men, one bald, one stiff, walk into the room. The stiff one seems to have a skin color disability, and also a rifle-like weapon in his hands.) Bald guy: Excuse me, but do you have the time? Mulder: Sure, it's 11:21 a.m. Bald guy: Actually, I was hoping you could tell me the year. Scully (Puzzled): Umm...It's 1996. Bald guy: I have no time to explain otherwise, so I'll tell you even though it violates many of our laws. My name is Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the starship Enterprise, number NC-17 slash Omega999 colon 42 point 5. Mulder: Sounds like your ship registry system has been taken over by the government documents catalogers... Stiff guy: And I am Data, an android. Picard: We're here from Earth's future to prevent our most dangerous enemy from taking over all of humanity. Data: They are known as the Borg, a race of beings that assimilate people into a collective mind they control through advanced technology. Picard: Yes, and they have returned to the past to find you. Mulder and Scully: Us?!? Data: Indeed. Picard: You see, it turns out that you two, as well as your show, well you're so much more popular than us. Our spin-off shows are suffering in the television ratings. The Borg believe if they can assimilate you into their collective, they can use you to seduce every one of your fans into joining. Data: We calculate this maneuver can capture all of Australia within two hours. Mulder: Well....what do you want us to do? Picard: Nothing, really. We're just going to kill you before that happens. Mulder and Scully: What?!?!?! Data: Do not worry. I will endeavor to make it as painless as possible. Scully (Frantic): No...there, there has to be another way... Picard: There's no time! You don't realize, not only and I responsible for the lives of...of...Data, how many people do we have on the current Enterprise?... Data: Considering our last encounter with the Borg, sir, we have twelve people left. Picard: Twelve? Twelve?!? Data (Nodding): Yes sir. We ran out of expendable ensigns about three hours, eleven minutes ago. Picard (Shaking head but continues): ...Not only am I responsible for the lives of twelve crew members, but I am responsible for the whole of future humanity. There are more lives at stake here than you can possibly imagine!... Mulder (Whispering to Scully): Big speech coming? Scully (Nodding): Big speech coming. I hope those Borg things show up soon... (Shadow figure suddenly hovers near the open doorway) Picard: Data! Behind you! (Door flies open to reveal a stiff, almost inhuman figure) Mulder: Oh, you can relax. That's our boss. (A.D. Skinner storms into the room) Skinner: I thought I'd let you know, there a swarm of cyberadvanced monsters smashing through main security turning everybody into mutated zombies. Given the...nature of this incident, I gave myself three guesses as to who might know what the hell is going on... Picard: Data, we're going to have to shoot him, too. His bald spot is cuter than mine. Skinner: You know, Vash said the same thing. (Sneers at Picard) If you'll excuse me now, I'm going home to have sex with my wife. (Leaves) Picard (Mutters): Bastard. Scully: Look, you don't have to kill us. We can help you... Mulder: Sure. Maybe...maybe, if I used my laptop computer to link into their telecommunications network, I can program a virus to invade their systems and force them to lower their shields... Scully: Wrong movie, Mulder... Picard: No, sorry, killing you is our only option for survival. Scully: But...why? Picard: Because we have to get rid of either you or Babylon 5, and quite frankly, with your network making such a big deal about your move to Sunday nights, you were easier to locate than some second-rate syndicated show that's usually on the same hours as most infomercials. Data, please aim and fire on my command. Scully: WAIT! (Stands and moves to Mulder's desk) Mulder, before we die, I...just wanted to tell you about my suspicions that, well, CancerMan is your father. Mulder (Stands): Wait a second. I thought...hold on, I thought CancerMan was secretly YOUR father.... Scully: But if he's my father... Mulder: And my father... Scully: Then that would make us brother and sis... (They pause) Mulder and Scully (Same time): Eeeeeeew! And I thought about having sex with you!... Data (Shaking his head): Captain, I believe we are too late. They have evolved into "Star Wars"... Picard: Dammit! We had them! (Sighs and nods toward the computer monitor) Bloody hell, just shoot the writer, then... Data: Agreed. (Fires phaser) (Computer screen becomes a jumbled mess of images and static while smoke pours from the back side.) Writer (Off-screen and badly injured): Roll Credits!... Picard: Patrick Stewart Data: Brent Spiner Mulder: David Duchovny Scully: Gillian Anderson Skinner: Mitch Pileggi Extra character whose scenes were cut to tighten the editing: Like We Care... Story by: Paul Wartenberg Screenplay by: about 30 Hollywood Hack Writers Producer: Some Guy Executive Producer: Some Other Guy Making More Money Than the Others Director: Some Other Guy Who's Directed a Lot of "Direct-to-Video" Movies The end Paul Wartenberg-------------------- | -----All Done.-------- z004799b@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us | -----Bye-Bye.--------- village6@icanect.net--------------- | ---------------------- -----Jeremiah Smith Lives---------- | -----X-FILES---------- -----Freedom is in the mind and the spirit------------------ -----The body still must break the chains.------------------