From: Ally112038 Date: 09 Apr 2001 23:14:23 GMT Subject: NEW 'Waiting' By Ally 1/1 MSR, V, Post ep DA Source: atxc TITLE - 'Waiting' AUTHOR - Ally CLASSIFICATION - V, MSR, Post-ep RATING - U ARCHIVE - Anywhere. Please ask first though. SPOILERS - Dead/Alive FEEDBACK - Yes please. Ally112038@aol.com SUMMARY - Scully waits for Mulder to wake up. NOTES - Haven't seen this ep yet. But I've been spoiled enough to know what happens. Also I've read a lot about how Mulder acted in 'Three words' and this was kind of the result. Thanks to Susan for the quick once over. DISCLAIMER - The X-Files remain the sole property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and FOX. No infringement intended. Waiting - 1/1 I almost can't bear to touch him. I'm scared that if I do he'll disappear from in front of me. Or that my fingers will be mere inches from his skin when I wake up, realizing that all this has been nothing more than a dream, designed by my subconscious to torture my soul and haunt my waking moments. I will jolt awake, screaming out his name into the darkness, the sweat cold against my skin as my baby kicks inside of me, reminding me to be more careful with my movements. More careful with my emotions. I sometimes find myself wondering whether all this has affected the tiny child inside of me. Whether a baby not yet born has the capacity to absorb what goes on around him and inside of him. It's not so hard to believe that it might, because after all, he is a part of me. Will always be a part of me, even when he is finally delivered kicking and screaming into the harsh, bright light that is the world we live in. I wonder now if he can feel my fear as I sit here for hour after endless hour beside his father, looking down at a man I had believed was lost to me forever. Who I am still so afraid might be lost to me still. It doesn't seem possible even now that eventually he will open his eyes. That the journey he has been on will come to an end. I'm scared, so scared that he will never wake up. That all this is a cruel illusion, designed to let my hopes soar once again. But if I'm honest, there's a part of me too that is terrified that he *will* and that when he does all my prayers will have been for nothing. Suppose he doesn't know me? Suppose I don't know him? I can't allow myself to believe that he will be the same as he was. The physical scars are bad enough. I found myself turning away when I first saw them again after so many months. Not because I was repelled by his appearance but because of what the scars meant. Of what they stood for. Of what he's been through and will in all probability still be going through when he finally opens those beautiful eyes of his. Oh God, those eyes. It's the one memory of him I held onto throughout those long months after we buried him. I could look deep inside myself and always conjure up a vision of them. The burning intensity that simmered just beneath their surface, lost almost in the ever changing colors that blended perfectly with his soul. Mulder's eyes were everything. Sometimes only by looking deep into them could I know what he was feeling. What if he opens them and I see nothing? The prospect makes me tremble, so awful is it to contemplate. Maybe that's why I'm so scared to touch him now. Maybe I'm afraid that what I fear the most will come to pass. It was easy in a way when I had no hope. When Skinner first brought him here and gazed at me with sadness and respect burning in his eyes, wanting to protect me and yet at the same time knowing that the time for that was long gone. I remember John's words as he implored me not to keep putting myself through this. I remember thinking he was right. It's funny now when I think of this man who, over the last few months, has become my partner. It's been hard to let go, to finally allow myself to look past Mulder's death and turn my attention to this man who has showed me nothing but concern and kindness since that frigid afternoon when we laid Mulder to rest. I still call him Agent Doggett, but now I think of him as John. I can't remember when it first came about. I don't want to remember. Because I now feel like it's a betrayal somehow. This acceptance of this man in my life when I was still mourning the one I had lost. Of course our relationship will never be as complex or as beautiful as the one Mulder and I shared. But we *do* have a relationship. I can try and deny it until I'm blue in the face. But he's a part of me, a part of the X-Files and when Mulder finally opens his eyes, he will become a part of him too. It's all so complicated now. I had sat here for hours, holding onto Mulder's hand as I willed him with every fiber in my body to please wake up. It was easy then to touch him when deep down inside of me I believed it would never happen. Denying to myself as I have always denied that which will hurt me the most. I never had to give a thought to how things might be if he pulled through this, if by some miracle he might come back to me. I could close my eyes and sit here. Hour after endless hour while all the time the guilt and the regret assailed my every sense. Knowing that I had buried him, had walked away from him when all the time he had never really left me. Will he open his eyes and hate me for what I did? For what I didn't do? There is so much I need to say to him before he wakes up. But there's no time anymore, no time for me to tell him all that I have wanted to say for the last three days, because time has somehow gotten away from me, has spiralled out of control to where I am now. I can open my mouth and know that the words will stick in my throat. Because how can I ever hope to make this right for him? It's quiet in here now. I hear only the sound of Mulder's breathing. Sweet and even as he lies before me. No longer contrived and mechanical but easy and natural as my partner draws breath after miraculous breath. It's the most wonderful sound in the world to me right now. I can't believe that anything will ever sound this good again. Except maybe when he finally speaks my name. *If* he speaks my name. But I'm scared. Oh God, I'm so scared. What if he is different? What if all that he has been through has altered him in some unfathomable way? What if I can't bring him back? But the questions and fears are irrelevant. I know that. Mulder will come back to me eventually. Only time will tell just when that will be. Or how he will be when he gets there. My hand is shaking as I lay it over his. I try to be as gentle as I can be, so that when he eventually wakes, it will be sweet and easy for him. No sudden movements. No pressure. Maybe it's for my own sake as much as his. Maybe now, after all that has passed, after all the hoping and praying, I just need a little more time. A few more minutes to prepare myself for everything that will be. But beneath my fingers I suddenly feel him twitch against me. A jerky, spasmodic movement as though his fingers are searching for mine, that he is aware I'm here. That he has been aware all along. Suddenly time stands still, seconds stretch into hours as I whisper his name, watching as he slowly opens his eyes, those beautiful eyes that I know so well. He turns his head towards me and I can look into their depths. And suddenly I'm not afraid anymore. Because I know that I will survive anything yet to come. Now that finally, the waiting is over. End My fic page - http://www.geocities.com/ally_fic/ Feedback to Ally112038@aol.com