From: User936190@aol.com Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 13:51:32 EDT Subject: Story to be archived Title - Waiting 1/1 Author - Bazza Email - User936190@aol.com Rating - PG Spoilers - None Summary - Someone is watching Mulder but who? Waiting Waiting, that's all I seem do for him - wait. I'm standing on the cold street looking at the window urging myself to make contact but I always draw back, anyway he's busy, he's watching his special interest viewing. I can see someone exiting the building I make a move towards the door in an attempt at catching it before it closes, I do, but fear and uncertainty prevent me from going in. I allow the door to slip from my fingers and again move back to my secluded spot to watch him from a far. It's beginning to rain the cold drops hit my face and slowly trace a path down my cheek around my chin before departing for the cold street below, the wind begins to pick up I pull my coat tighter around my body. The heat recovered is negligible, I hug myself pretending that my arms are his caressing, hugging, comforting me, it's only a dream. I come back to reality, bring myself back down to earth, centre myself. I remember the first time we met, my breath caught as I saw him walking towards me, I remember feeling a shudder moving down my back. His hazel eyes looking deep into my soul, those eyes held so much promise, so much desire, so much passion. I closed the distance between us and introduced myself. Mulder made some customary greeting before escorting me out of the building and taking me on some investigation - or should I say wild goose chase. That seems so very long ago and look where it's lead us, me standing on a cold street looking up at his window - waiting. I see Mulder at the window he's looking out seemingly getting a feel for the outside world - god he looks so content, so sweet, and so loveable - he's placing something on the window, masking tape in a cross, whatever can he be doing that for? He again returns to his television and seems to be settling down for the night. My vision is obscured I no longer have a clear view to Mulder. I let my imagination run wild - What ever could he be doing in there? sleeping, working on a case. Ahhh to be the one sleeping next to him, perhaps I might be able to persuade him to go to bed with me. His hands trace a path like fire down my body. The fire ignites in my lower half slowly creeping , slowly moving over my skin. Mulder moves closer to capture my lips in a tender kiss, the feeling is exquisite, so full of passion. CRASSSHHHHHHH!!!!!! 'What was that? Damn cats.' I return to my vigil, undeterred by the interruption but am unable to recapture that singular moment of bliss. If only he knew how I felt, if only I knew he felt the same way, then I'm sure that we could be together forever, happy. I feel a little braver and the cold wind is getting to me, I decide it's know or never, if I am to make contact with him it is know or never. I start the journey to his front door. All the same feelings of anxiety and fear that I felt before have resurfaced, but I endeavour forward pushing the feelings a side, I must do this, I must know. Does he feel the same way? Just a little closer I'm almost at the door, will push me aside in fear and rejection or capture me in a loving embrace, like only he could. I feel a tingle down my spine at the prospect this happening, no longer am I fearful or anxious, I feel more anticipation than anything else. I'm at the door, my instincts are still telling me to run, but I must go on I must know. I put my hand up to the bell to push the button corresponding to his apartment. I think better of it and pull out from my pocket a lock pick. I know it's illegal and technically breaking and entering, but I'm so caught up in the moment all thoughts to my own well being and safety are taken away by the lust I feel for Fox. Click goes the lock, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, it's so loud that I think at any moment it will explode. I swing the door open and enter the dimly lit building, I walk down the corridor toward the door of the one that has consumed my every waking thought. Pound, pound, pound goes my heart it's so loud it must be giving away my presence, I'm sure I hear someone moving behind his door. This time inside the building my anxiety is even greater than it was when I was outside, I know that he is unlikely to reject me, but deep down inside I know his heart belongs to another. As the moment of truth comes closer and closer my heart beats faster and faster. I don't know if I am ready to open my heart up to another rejection. I don't know who it was that said that if you don't open your heart to the risk then you'll never reap the rewards and you'll probably live the rest of your life alone, Is that true? Is that me? Could I really be like that person he was describing. I had always pushed Mulder away wit one excuse or another and perhaps now I was finally beginning to realise just how much he meant to me. I have to let him know, I have to close the distance between us, I must make contact and bridge the gap that has kept us apart for so long. I can't let my fear of rejection be what keeps me alone at night, I can't allow my life to pass me by just because I'm afraid. But fear is the most primal of emotions - it is what keeps us safe, what protects us from danger, what warns us when something we are doing is a little unwise or foolish. It can however by that same respect be what can keep us alone, detached and cut off from the outside world. I understand this so well, I should just cease the moment, cease the day. What was it my old Latin teacher used to say? Carpe Diem, cease the day. Why am I so guarded? Why do I not let someone in? I'm afraid that's why but it is an irrational fear, a fear which has no purpose except to keep alone and safe. I can't live my life like this I have to take the risk, take a chance. I must know one way or the other. I move towards his door once more take a deep, long breath and knock loudly on the door, I can here movement, the locks on the door being undone, the door slowly opens and reveals Mulder. 'Hello....' The End I know that this is an evil, evil, evil ending and yes in case anyone asks I was depressed, very depressed when I wrote this. If you don't like it or have any flames you wish to voice, tell them to the wall I don't care. However should you like this story and wish to tell me this please send constructive comments to User936190@aol.com I will answer all emails so if you write and didn't get a response I didn't receive it. I hope you enjoyed this little story.