From: April L Mowry Date: 9 Jun 1999 23:53:48 GMT Subject: *New* WAITING IN LIMBO (1/1) Title: WAITING IN LIMBO (1/1) Author: Ms. AM Email: ALMowry@pathway.net Rating: PG maybe R Spoilers: I don't think Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. Archive: If you would like to, it's ok with me. Summary: Choices and consequences. Authors Notes: I never thought I would write this type of fanfic, but I was listening to a song and the story just came to me. This is not songfic no one is listening to it, but I have placed the verses in the story breaks just so you can see the words that inspired me. Waiting in Limbo (1/1) I came here to let you know The letting go Has taken place I have held the winter's son Become one Set my pace Isn't that what we wanted all along Freedom like a stone Maybe we were wrong But I can say goodbye Now that the passion's died Still it comes so slow The letting go * * * * * I never thought I'd be the one. I never thought I could bury the lessons my faith in God, in the bible, has taught me throughout the years. If I were a betting woman I would have laid odds that you, Mulder, *you* would be the one of us to choose the path I am undertaking. I know these words will not bring you comfort when you finally read them. You need to realize that they give me no comfort as I place them upon the page, yet I owe you this much. I came to you last night. I wanted to hear your voice. I needed to feel your arms around me, holding me as I listened to your heart beating against my ear. I wanted to taste you and have you taste me. I wanted *just once* to accept you into my body, becoming one in flesh as I have felt we are one in spirit. I kept so many truths from you. I wanted a memory to carry with me. As I finally kissed your full lips, you uttered the words. "I love you, Scully." I pulled away, but you held my face in your hands, forcing me to gaze into the depths of your hazel orbs. I beheld the truth, your truth...our truth, lying therein. And then you kissed me, drawing the breath from my lungs and into your own. You bared your soul to me in that moment. I felt like I was drowning, rolling, being swept out to sea with the intensity of your lips upon mine. The emotions I glimpsed within your eyes dragging me farther and farther away from the shore. Struggling I broke away, pushing against your pull and I ran. I was being selfish. So I ran. You called my name. "Scully." I blocked you out, Mulder. I didn't want to hear the questions, the longing, the anger, regret, sadness or even the love in your tone. I ran, my lungs burning, until my legs gave out and long unshed tears obscured my vision. *Selfish* Even as I write this letter to you, Mulder, I can't bring myself to place the words here that you longed for me to say. If I did that would be the cruelest torture I could inflict upon you. *Not* because it isn't true. Because *WE* will never be. Please, do not follow me, Mulder. You need to go on. If not for yourself then for the memory of what we both fought for during our years together. Someday I hope you can find it within your heart to forgive me. Dana Katherine Scully * * * * * Piece by piece I take apart This complicated heart And I hope to find Something I can prove is real I can feel the truth I can say is mine * * * * * Mulder, if you are reading this it is my hope you have come to terms with my decision and now you are ready to hear my reasons. The simple truth is this I was approached by the shadowy men we have been fighting against and given two choices. Leave the X Files forever. Break all contact with my family and especially you, Mulder. I couldn't take that choice. I refuse to live my life on the run, knowing everyone I cared about would always wonder about my disappearance. The temptation to try and catch a glimpse of you without your knowledge would have been too great to overcome. I also knew you'd spend the rest of your life looking for me. You would blame yourself for my association with you. Mulder, you would have been blameless, but you self-imposed guilt would have festered inside you until there was nothing left, but an empty shell. Choice two wasn't any better. They wanted to continue testing me and after they were through...remove the chip. The chip that *you* stole from them, curing me and giving me back my life. I am admitting this to you, Mulder, now on paper... I am a coward. How could they be so cruel? Expecting me to watch myself through your eyes, Mulder. I couldn't bear to see your face as I slowly withered away, consumed by the cancer once again. Until I became nothing but skin and bones, until my heart would stop trying to pump life into the useless vessel my body would become. If I didn't choose one of those options they'd given me, my family would be murdered one by one. And finally the only other important person in my life...you...they promised *I* would be forced to watch you die, Mulder. I couldn't make one of those choices. I made my own. In my own way I fulfilled both offers. By now you know what my choice was. These words will most likely no longer mean what they once did to you, but now I can write them here. I want you to read them as you lead your life, doing all the things I can not. I'm sorry I could not bring myself to give you these words before, but I want you to know I would have whispered them so only *you* could hear me. My breath would have caressed your skin along with my hands and voice in a language meant for you and only you, Mulder. I love you. I know my choice damn's me, but I also feel God *is* merciful. No doubt I will be held in limbo, neither here nor there until I see you, Mulder. In that moment I will break free from the middle ground that holds me enthralled and if you will have me by your side, we will continue on together. For in my heart I feel certain when the time is right we *will* be with each other again. In a world where evil forces and darkness can not reach us...or break us apart, until that time I wait. For you, Mulder, as long as it takes. * * * * * That's all I ever wanted to be The closer that I got The further I could see But when lovers change And the night feels strange We choose our road The letting go * * * * * Gently I fold the blood stained single sheet of paper and replace it in the pages of Dana's journal. It's been three years now; I come here every year and read Dana's last thoughts out loud. Every year I see the same man standing afar, tendrils of smoke curling around his head and every year he comes no closer. I remember the call from Walter Skinner as if it was yesterday. "Mrs. Scully? This is Walter Skinner...I received a very disturbing call from your daughter...could you meet me at her apartment?" When we arrived and entered it was so silent and I knew you were gone my precious daughter. Your bedroom, that's where we found the two of you...your letter to him and a gun laid on the floor beside the bed. He was holding you, your head against his chest the two of you appeared to be sleeping...two lovers, two souls, but the blood betrayed the innocence of the scene before us. I blame myself for not telling you about Fox, about the man *I* saw during your disappearance about the man I saw crying in the dark, clutching your hand as you lay dying of cancer. I know Mr. Skinner blames himself too, he said he should have told you the truth about the person Fox Mulder became after you stepped into his life. You changed him and became more important than his own life. If either of us had told you, you would have known there wasn't any way Fox *could* go on without you. How can a person live when half their soul is missing? And why would they want to? I hope you can forgive me, Dana, but I tried to give you some peace. You and Fox are buried together not just side by side, but in the same space...in the same position Walter and I found you in. I prayed for your souls and I believe that you and Fox are together, forever. The day of the funeral just before the casket was closed for the final time, I placed your father's and my wedding rings upon both of your hands. I think your father would have wanted me too. Kneeling down I lightly run my fingers over the cold marble a light breeze blows and along with it a feeling of peace comes over me. I stand clutching the journal in my hand and turn away. The engraving on the tombstone scrolls across my mind, I still can't bear to look at the dates, only the names and the truth. Fox William Mulder Dana Katherine Scully *United in death as they were meant to in life.* I always wonder if I turned around fast as possible if I would see them. See them holding each other, the wedding rings glistening against their transparent skin as they embraced or would they have wings of silver and halo's of gold wearing flowing gossamer robes. I never do look though, I now I will see them both someday. My daughter said she would be waiting in limbo for Fox. I know she didn't have long to wait. * * * * * I came here to let you know The letting go Has taken place * * * * * The End Authors endnotes: I'm so depressed now I think I'll have to work on some smut. I love feedback let me know what you think. Praise or flames I accept it all.