From: dangfeng@smartt.com (Liz) Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: NEW: Waking Up by the Roadside Date: Tue, 23 Apr 1996 21:45:43 GMT Disclaimer- The X-Files and related characters are the property of 10/13, CC, and FOX. What's left over belongs to me. This is a sequel to my previous short 'Raising Arizona' which you can E me for, though this can stand on it's own. Warning- this story has no X-File, romance, or sense, just pure G rated wackiness. Hope I didn't scare you off =) Comments, criticism to my NEW address dangfeng@smartt.com Waking Up by the Roadside by Liz *...It is my conclusion that the evidence presented is highly questionable so therefore does not...* SCREEEEEEEEE!!!!! "Aaah!" Gasped Dana Scully, lifting her head sharply from the computer screen. *What the hell..?!* SCREEEEEEEEE!!!!! A speeding object catapulted in front of her desk blowing papers out of her In box. "Mulder!" "What?" He gave a powerful kick with his long legs off the far wall and flew past her again in opposite direction in the rolling office chair. She shook her head. "You were one of those kids that used to spin around in circles with your forehead on top of a baseball bat, weren't you?" "I'm offended. What do you mean *used* to?" The chair screeched across the basement office floor noisily. "Wheeeee!" "Good lord." Scully muttered under her breath, dotting the end of her last sentence with the tap of a key. She clicked on SAVE. "There, finished." She gathered up a weeks worth of rumpled post-it notes stuck around her moniter. There was a knock at the door. "Yes?" A tall agent came through the door. "Agent Scully I..." SCREEEEEEEEE!!!!! The agent jumped back in shock, colliding with the door. Scully pretended not to notice, chucking her wad of memos into a trash can against the far wall. "Alright, and the G-woman makes a three pointer!" Mulder rolled by, giving her a high-five. "Uh, if this is a bad time..." "No no, what can I do for you?" The agent adjusted the glasses that had slid down his nose and swallowed. "I came for a report..." "Oh yeah, here, I'll print off a copy." They waited out the time. She handed it over and smiled politely. He left immediately. Dana thought she heard him muttering to the effect of *crazy lunatics* as he shut the door behind him. "Thank you, come again!" Mulder shouted over his shoulder coming to a halt in front of her desk. Scully gave him her best teacher yes-I-bite-if-provoked scowl. But she couldn't hide the grin from from her eyes. And he knew it. Damn. "I ought to punish you..." "I good solid whipping always does the trick..." "By Skinner..." "Ouch." He leaned forward and looked his partner straight in the eye. "It's friday you know." "What happens on friday?" "Same thing we did last friday..." "Try to take over the world?" She finished, arching an eyebrow. "You know what I mean." Scully nodded. A week ago the two of them had taken some time off to do a little travel in Arizona to 'watch the skies.' They'd had a pretty good time, enjoying each other's company and had decided to go back for a second trip. This time hopefully remembering the camping equiptment Mulder had managed to forget last time. "I'll pick you up at five sharp." "I'm already packed." - - - - - Dana cast increasingly irritated glances at the tall man in the passenger seat, currently engrossed in either twisting a large paper map in his lap or staring bewilderingly at his hands with glazed eyes. "That's it! You're starting to drool. I'm officially classifying you as roadmap incompotent." "Is that a professional term?" "Of course." "Ha! I'm the one with a pysch degree, Ms. Bigshot Forensic Doctor." "Fine! I'll be classifying you as DOA if you don't hand over the map right now!" Instead Fox Mulder edged closer towards the window, sheilding the paper and compass protectively. Dana Scully sighed. "Why didn't you ask for directions at the last stop?" "I don't need directions." "Mulder! You acting so incredibly stereotypically male, it's not even funny." "Me? *Cliche*? Never!" He whisked the map to his partner and she propped it up in front of the steering wheel. Her blue eyes skimmed the page. "Mulder!" "Yes?" He looked at her sheepishly. "This is a Texas road map." "Oh is it? So that's why I got such a discount." "Argh!" Dana rolled down her window and threw it out. They drove in silence for a few minutes. Fox dug into a duffel bag and pulled out a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. "Peace offering?" "Quiet, I'm concentrating." He munched quietly. Five minutes later a light, worn strip in the ground up ahead was visible. Dana pulled onto the dirt road, smiling. "Wow, impressive. Were you Christopher Colombus in a previous life?" "Thanks, I think. Keep your eyes peeled for road signs. Do you have any gum?" "What, me?" He hit into a twinkie. "Christ Mulder, no wonder you're getting fat." "Blasphemy Scully, and before you say it, yes I'm very well aware of the chemicals in twinkies." "Those things'll keep for centuries. Even in *your* apartment." Mulder inhaled the rest of the cake and swallowed. "Can you imagine archeologists in the year five thousand digging these out of the sand? What'll they think?" "Their first thought wouldn't be that this was something that you put in your mouth and *ate.*" "More like indestructable roofing material." "Or industrial paperweights." "Costco brand no less." They both laughed. "Hey look!" Fox bursted out, pointing. The dry dust turned abruptly into a line of trees. A small shack rested right along the roadside. "It's the Restaurant at the End of the Universe! We're saved!" "I can't beleive you're still hungry." "Beleive it." His stomach rumbled on cue. "And there's your proof." He jumped out of the still moving truck. Scully shook her head, parking alongside an unleaded gas pump. - - - - - "Hey look at these." Dana gestured to a display of wigs and hairpeices at the back of the room. Fox glanced back while fishing for his wallet. "Nice." He hit the service bell on the counter a couple more times impatiently. He stopped. A sudden glint was in his partner's eye and he watched, intrigued. Scully rummaged around the various wigs and selected one, pulling it onto her own head and smoothing her red strands under the curly white blond. "Scully, what..?" She flicked back her new hair and fluttered her eyelashes repeatedly. "Watch while I dazzle you with my Marilyn Monroe impersonation." He laughed as she posed. "And where did you aquire such fine talents?" "A Sally Struthers correspondence course." She bent over in a warped pouty supermodel pose. "Business management?" he offered shakily. She finally pulled the peice off, smoothing back her hair that was standing up with static. Only to lift another that looked frighteningly simular to Pippi Longstocking's braids. "Hmm." Mulder was about to comment when suddenly a huge man loomed out from behind the counter. "G'whaa?" Mulder managed to mutter before he was pulled into a big bear hug. "Hey Eugine, look who it is!" the large man bellowed vaguly towards the door he'd come through. "Excuse me, but do I know you?" Mulder tried, desperately, but he couldn't get out of the hold he was in. "Boy, has it been so long? Ol' buddy, it's great to see ya!" And with that he planted loud kisses on both sides of the agent's face. Mulder tried to telepathically signal Scully for help, but to his horror she just looked on, one eyebrow arching. "Mulder do I really want to know?" "It's not what it looks like!" "And how do you know what I think it looks like? Look, should I leave?" Her face was turning red with the strain. "Don't you even dare!" He nearly fell over as he was suddenly freed. "I think you have me confused with someone else. We'd just like to pay for the gas please." Fox wrestled a few bills out of his wallet and handed it over. The man's attention was distracted. "Hey, whatcha doin' with my private collection?" Scully stopped giggling and the long red wig dropped from her fingers as if it were red hot metal. Mulder leered in return. She silently paid for the gas. "By the way, could we have some directions?" "Come on now Mulder, we shouldn't pester the man." - - - - - "We've been driving for hours, I don't think those directions are correct." Dana said, peeved that he wasn't even paying attention. "Scully, I never noticed before what a nasty driver you are." He grinned. "Ever considered being a NY cabbie?" "I don't think my credentials should be your biggest worry right now. Those engine sounds aren't too favorable." She frowned, listening. The truck was emitting very audible grinding noises that hadn't been as bad a few hours ago. This was not good. Even Bill's old jalopy sounded better than this on it's last legs. She kicked herself for not getting it checked earlier. Hey, or better, she could kick Mulder for renting this thing... "We should pull over at the next stop to be safe." "Hah. Five bucks says we won't make it the next five miles." "My aren't you a picture of optimism." "'Bout as much as the Sharks at making the playoffs. Why aren't *you* the least bit upset?" "Hey it's not like we're on a d..." He caught himself. Dana gave her partner a sidways glance. "Sorry," he finished with a sheepish grin. It wasn't as if either of them needed a reminder of their current lack of social lives. Though strangely enough, neither of them really felt a deep sense of loss on that missing aspect of life. Not today anyway. Or rather, yet. A deafening crank broke the silence. The pick-up came to a dead halt, then seeming almost alive, wrenched out it's last breath into the world. Then they were motionless. "Is it safe to move?" She was answered with the hood popping noisily, spewing acrid black smoke clouding their vision through the already bug incrusted windsheild. "Apparently not." They ducked out of the side doors and stood side by side with their arms crossed, staring at the fuming carcass a safe enough distance away. "Here's a thought, let's pitch our tent *here* for the night." Dana's head slowly rotated towards the speaker. An insect buzzed by the back of neck and she swatted it. "You didn't happen to look up the uh, *wildlife* around here did you? Nothing that glows or has longer than average teeth?" she looked around at the surrounding flat land. "We're not camping near a giant dung heap are we..." Fox looked thoughtful. "Nooo, nothing around here bigger than the size of your fist." "Lord." "Likewise." They set out to fish out their gear and set it up before nightfall. fin, for now - - - - -