From: CMUnsworth@aol.com
Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 13:36:09 EDT
Subject: Watching (hopefully corrected) by Charlotte Unsworth
Source: xff



TITLE: Watching
AUTHOR: Charlotte Unsworth
EMAIL ADDRESS: CMUnsworth@aol.com
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, but let me know so I can visit
SPOILER WARNING: Ice, Emily and Christmas Carol
RATING: G, I suppose. Nothing really bad at all
CLASSIFICATION: V, A
SUMMARY: Mulder been watching Scully, and has something to tell her. 

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, they're not mine. If they were, I could think
of much more interesting things to do...  This is a repost as the first
time I tried it went strange, so hopefully this time it works. Sorry! It
did work when I tested it to myself, but this is my first post so i guess
something had to go wrong. Anyway, on with the story... 

Feedback is a wonderful thing. Especially when sent to
CMUnsworth@aol.com

I watch you sometimes. Did you know that? I hope to god that you don't,
but I can hardly see how you fail to notice. I watch you in the office,
bending over your paperwork, concentrating so hard that you block
everything else out. I watch as you pause to consider the right phrasing,
as your glasses slip slightly down your nose and you push them back
without even realising you're doing it, as you tuck your hair behind your
ear to keep it out of your way then move it back a moment later.

I watch you out in the field, talking to people, always knowing who to ask
and the right questions to get the answers you want to hear. As you become
one hundred percent professional, with no room for error, and no time for
anything other than the case you're on. I watch you, with my hand on your
back when I can. It may seem protective, and I suppose in a way it is, but
the truth is it's my way of silently offering my support and I love the
fact that you will allow me to.

When you first came into my life, I watched you. You were so new to my
world, so innocent of the horrors I encountered. You had faith in people.
I'd lost that faith so long ago, it was refreshing to find it in someone
else. I tried to be suspicious of you, to dislike you, but it was
impossible. Your actions convinced me that you had no part of any agenda,
at least not knowingly. You gained my trust. I hadn't trusted anyone for
years, then you came and in just a short time I trusted you with my life.
I didn't realise until that case in the arctic that I had come to believe
you so completely. It was you and me, a partnership.

But now I look at you, and you've changed. No longer the innocent girl who
came to me, full of faith in the world and hope. Your hair is shorter,
framing your face. I still like it, but it makes you look older, less
innocent. It used to be longer, curly. I remember how you tied it into a
ponytail like an impatient schoolgirl. And you've lost weight. After your
abduction, you returned to me slimmer, and continued to become thinner
still. Then your cancer hit you hard.  I think that was the point you
really changed. Even until then, you retained some of that faith, that
there were good men in the world, men who could be trusted without a
doubt. But then the lies were uncovered, and more lies, and while it saved
your life, it destroyed your faith. I watched as you struggled with your
disbelief that anyone could do this to you, hurt you so much when they had
never even met you. And I was unable to do anything, unable to reach out
to you, to comfort you. I knew you needed it, but I just couldn't. Every
time I shut my eyes I saw images of you as you used to be, untainted by my
life, and still hopeful. It was because of me that changed.


And your daughter. She was beautiful, Scully. I watched as you played with
her, and your eyes lit up. For a few short hours you were happy. Truly
happy for the first time in so long. I saw you, and it occurred to me that
I could barely remember the last time I saw you smile, or heard you laugh.
I mean really laugh, the way you did on our first case together. Remember
in the first year or so, it was actually fun. There was always the
underlying purpose, always something to remind us of our purpose, but we
had some good times together, and while we disagreed, we enjoyed it.  I
miss that, Scully. Then you learnt of her illness, of my deception, and
that happiness was stolen from you even as your daughter was being stolen
away. I can't bear to watch that anymore, to see you happy for just a
short time before having it wrenched from you by the men who have taken so
much from both of us. You might say, if I ever found the courage to tell
you this, that they have taken just as much from me. But I was prepared. I
entered this game knowing, or at least with very strong suspicions, what
might happen to me over time. You had no idea. And if I had not entered
your life, none of it would have happened to you. And so there is only one
thing left for me to do. Forgive me for taking such a long time to come to
this decision, but it is the only one, no matter how much it may hurt. So
I will watch you for just a short time more, and then tell you the truth.