From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:14:05 -0600 (CST)
Subject: The Weighted Wind by suchreverie
Source: direct

Reply To: suchreveries@yahoo.com


Title: The Weighted Wind
Author: suchreverie 
Date: Nov. 23, 2008
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Per Manum
Classification: VRA
Keywords: MSR, Per Manum post-ep, Mulder POV
Archive: Ephemeral, Gossamer, others by request
Summary: There's an energy that exists between two people, a 
tingling feeling that connects us in invisible ways.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine and no copyright 
infringement is intended.
Author's Notes: This is a Per Manum post-episode story that 
I'd been encouraged to write. Apparently a lot of people think 
something snazzy happened after that episode.
Feedback would be wonderful. suchreveries @ yahoo.com or 
find/comment on my fic at http://suchreverie.livejournal.com

****************************************
Her body was shaking like I'd never felt it before. I held her 
tightly. It was the one thing I couldn't soothe inside her 
head, the one thing I couldn't cure inside her body. The one 
thing I couldn't give her no matter how hard I tried. And it 
was driving me slowly crazy with its elusiveness, with its 
uncertainty.

This is the path we had followed, and I'd found that along the 
way, the turns we took were often the ones we most wanted to 
avoid. Endless forks in the road, endless choices to be made, 
but now, more than ever, I realized that we weren't doing the 
choosing.

She shook in my arms and I didn't let her know that I could 
feel her crying.

I buried my face in her hair, my lips pressed against her 
neck. I was desperate to breathe a part of her deep inside my 
body, to hold it and let her become a part of me.

Her fingers on the back of my neck tensed and I pulled her 
even more tightly against me, not knowing if it was possible 
to get any closer without pushing the breath out of her. Maybe 
that's what she needed; to clear it out, all of it, to start 
anew one more time.

She pulled away and her forehead met mine again and all I 
could hear was my heartbeat in my head. 

There's an energy that exists between two people, a tingling 
feeling that connects us in invisible ways. I felt it as her 
lips hovered over mine. I watched her face with my eyes barely 
open. Her eyes were closed, her lips slightly parted, the look 
on her face a mix of conflict and resolution. She tilted her 
head and I felt a pull in my chest and waited for her to make 
her choice.

She was soft, so soft, when she kissed me.

I held onto the reigns as the world threatened to spin out of 
control. I felt her breath on my cheek. She nudged her mouth 
against mine and waited for a response. My hand found her hair 
and I realized I'd never paid much attention to how it felt 
before, any other time I'd touched it suddenly not seeming 
quite as important as now.

I took her bottom lip between mine and kissed it. She pulled 
my head down to kiss me harder, and soon it felt like my body 
was wrapping around hers, that I could completely envelop her 
in me, protect her, hide her from the burning rays of reality 
that filtered through our defenses.

I let out a small moan--I had tried to hold it back when I 
felt her tongue tease the edge of my lips. That sound seemed 
to snap her out of the reverie she'd created and she pulled 
away quickly, opening her eyes.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her brow furrowing.

"Why?" I asked, my hand still buried in her hair. I tried to 
ignore the pulse I felt flooding my body everywhere, even the 
places I wished it wouldn't at the moment.

"It's not...it's not the right time." She sniffled, a tiny 
Scully sniffle, and her tear-streaked face was more than I 
could handle. I kissed each cheek, the gentle salt of her 
release on my lips.

 "Okay," I said on a breath, nodding my head. She searched my 
eyes. Her mouth moved closer again and I felt a tingle cascade 
down my body.

"Is it?"

"Scully...I..." Her mouth was just an inch away. Her look was 
questioning yet resolute, like she knew the answer as well as 
I did. I could barely speak. "Scully, that's...up to you."

She closed her eyes and stood her ground. I closed mine to 
feel every inch of her pressed against me, the quiet tension 
buzzing between us.

When I felt her kiss me again I didn't hold back, responding 
to her more, wanting her to know this was exactly what I 
wanted, exactly the choice I wanted her to make.

Our tongues met gently and I let her taste me, let her enter 
my mouth in her own time. She guided me. The tiny whimper she 
made was the most breathtaking sound I'd ever heard.

She pulled away again, more reluctantly this time. I was still 
lost in the feeling of her soft mouth caressing mine. 
"Mulder," she whispered.

It took me a few seconds to open my eyes, as if waking from a 
deep sleep. Her hand dropped from the back of my neck and she 
twined her fingers with mine. I could see her thinking. I 
wanted to read her thoughts if for only a split second of 
epiphany.

She pulled out of my embrace and tugged on my hand, meeting my 
eyes steadily for a defining, fleeting moment as she led me 
away from the living room.

****************************************
We sat on the edge of her bed, her hand still lost in mine, 
and we looked out the gauzy curtains of her windows. We were 
separated from the outside. We were ourselves, alone.

"I'm having a hard time believing it," she said, her voice 
hitching on held-back tears. "It seemed perfect, like 
everything was falling into place."

I looked at her as she studied the window. "I know."

Her face fell then and she pulled my hand into her lap. She 
looked down it. "Thank you for trying to help me."

I bit my lower lip, feeling the threat of tears. "Scully...I'd 
do anything to give that to you. Anything."

I felt her tear hit my hand and she met my eyes. "I just want 
to feel you right now."

I nodded. It was all I could do.

****************************************
I'd searched the night sky for what felt like centuries, had 
seen the unexplainable, encountered the unbelievable, watched 
miracles happen, and yet at this point in the journey, I had 
nothing to give her, no remedy for her pain. I'd given her 
what I could, and I don't know why it didn't work. It should 
have worked.

It should have worked.

She lay back on her pillows and I followed, resting next to 
her side. She tilted her head and I kissed her lips, 
tentatively taking control of her mouth. I rested my hand on 
the flat plane of her stomach, warmth radiating from under her 
clothes, and I felt a pang of ache at the turmoil that lay 
beneath.

She kissed me back, her fingers sliding through my hair, 
pulling me more deeply into her. Her tongue slipped past my 
lips and I heard a soft moan from the back of her throat. And 
I felt the pulling desire to do so much more, but I was 
worried about balancing what she needed and what she didn't 
need, what she wanted or didn't want.

"Touch me," she breathed against my lips. "Don't be afraid."

Sometimes I think she has a doorway into my mind that she can 
open with the slightest touch of her fingers, the softest echo 
of my name.

I looked into her eyes while I unbuttoned her shirt slowly, 
afraid at first to look at her chest as her shirt fell away 
from her body. I was surprised at the feeling of newness, but 
always knew it would feel different with her, like I was 
discovering what this should all truly be like with someone.

I didn't look, more transfixed by the look in her eyes that 
asked me to continue. I slid my fingers up her soft, warm 
skin, leaving an instant trail of goose bumps. All my breath 
left me when I felt her shiver.

I let my hand travel over her exposed skin, everywhere I could 
reach, teasing her. She began arching her back to my touch, 
began shifting her hips restlessly while we kissed harder, 
mouths open, stealing breaths. I couldn't get enough of her.

I jumped when I felt her fingernails graze the front of my 
jeans, followed by her palm, firm and pressing into me. It 
felt incredible, and I pushed into her hand, wanting more yet 
feeling guilty for it. I broke away from her kiss and pressed 
my cheek into the pillow next to her head.

"Sorry," I said softly, inhaling a slight scent of her 
perfume. She kept rubbing me with her palm. I held back the 
thrust of my hips, feeling tingles down my thighs. I slid my 
hand over her breast, feeling her hardened nipple through the 
fabric. My fingers inched underneath, finding her hot skin, 
running in circles over the rippled flesh. She moaned, her 
eyes fluttering closed. My jeans were becoming more 
uncomfortable by the minute.

"Why are you sorry?" Her palm worked slow, rhythmic circles 
and her fingers followed the line of my zipper. I gritted my 
teeth to hold back a groan.

"Just...I know you...today was hard and I think, I think..."

She kissed me slowly and I answered her mouth. She broke away 
with a gentle tug on my upper lip.

"Mulder," she said, looking into my eyes, her look sincere. 
"Can we stop thinking?"

I nodded.

She pulled down my zipper.

****************************************
We had kissed and kissed, her hand tucked into my jeans, 
fingers tracing the rigid muscle she found, while my hand 
explored both of her breasts, taking sweet time with it. I 
finally let my mouth follow, pulling down the fabric to greet 
her nipples with my lips. She tasted forbidden, sweet and 
salty and my thoughts were quickly running down unmentionable 
avenues.

I slipped my hand down her pants, I couldn't help myself. I 
was surprised at how my hand cupped her so perfectly, how we 
fit together that way.

"Oh God, Mulder," she moaned, barely audible, her head rolling 
to the side. My breath caught in my throat, at her words, at 
the hot, slick feeling under my fingers. I slowly traced the 
intricate designs I found under my fingertips, reading her 
like Braille, discovering her secrets.

She clutched at me through the fabric of my boxers and I 
groaned against her breasts, moving up to kiss her, taken back 
a bit by her eager response. My fingers worked circles around 
her most sensitive spot and her hips writhed with them. Her 
soft moans soon followed the rhythm of her body.

She moved her hand down over mine. "Wait. Please."

"What's wrong?" Little alarms went off in my head. Too soon. 
Too soon.

"Not yet," she whispered. "Not yet."

She kissed me again and I let my fingers rest against her.

****************************************
She was perched on top of me, her panties still on, my boxers 
still on, her knees straddling my hips, and we were 
participating in what was to be noted as yet another exercise 
in self-restraint. We had quite a comprehensive list going.

It wasn't for lack of trying. She worked her hips on mine so 
hard that I could feel her heat against my hardness, grinding 
and teasing. My hands slid up her bare back, so smooth and 
sensitive, and they met her breasts again. They were so 
perfect. She was so perfect.

"Scully," I whispered. She smiled and moved up to kiss me, her 
chest pressed against mine. I cupped her bottom, letting my 
fingers roam under her panties. I quickly lost any sense of 
control after discovering new inches of unexplored, hot skin 
under my touch.

"Yeah?" she whispered in a quick break from our kiss.

So many words and phrases whirred through my head in that 
instant. "I want to give you everything."

She kept my gaze steadily, the rhythm of her hips slowing 
against me. "You do."

I shook my head. "No, I don't. I haven't yet. But I'll try."

She pressed her forehead against mine.

****************************************
She tasted amazing, like she was meant for me.

My tongue traced the designs my fingers had recently followed, 
finding secret spots that made her quiver, other spots that 
made her moan. I loved the way her fingers stroked the top of 
my head, gently prompting. I loved the way her hips rocked up 
to my mouth as she moaned, the way her thighs tensed and the 
way her heels slipped against the sheets when she started 
losing her inhibitions completely.

I took slow enjoyment out of discovering this secret of hers, 
not wanting her to come too quickly because I didn't want it 
to end. I led her to the edge slowly and brought her away 
again. I thought of the times I'd dreamed of doing just this, 
exactly this way, and how even in my dreams she didn't taste 
this sweet or feel this soft or sound this beautiful, like an 
angel.

Her soft moans increased in frequency and I knew it was time 
to let her go, and so I did, moving my tongue against her in a 
way I'd quickly discovered was her favorite. She responded 
with a lift of her hips and a whimper, with a pull on my hair, 
and then I heard her coming, and felt her coming, and I was 
pulled under into the most heavenly place I'd ever been. I 
wanted to stay there with her forever, in an afterglow of 
things certain and pure.

I rose and slid next to her on the bed, pulling her into me. 
She turned on her side and curled into my body and I realized 
then that she was crying.

I wrapped an arm around her and slid a leg over hers, pulling 
her closer, storing my questions and concerns within, trying 
to fight back the self-conscious criticisms inside my head.

"Why, Mulder?" she said against my chest, her breaths 
steadying.

I bit my lip hard, knowing she didn't expect an answer I 
didn't have for her.

"I don't know," I whispered, stroking her bare back.

We rested together and I stared out the window again, watching 
trees move under the weighted wind that was pushing us into 
another day.

"I just want what I deserve to have," she said, sounding 
drowsy, her head firmly pressed against my chin. "Nothing 
more. What I want is so simple. It should be so easy."

I closed my eyes and listened to hear breathe, slowly, softly, 
until she fell asleep.

* end *