From: "pdoyle" Date: Sat, 24 Apr 1999 22:38:27 +0100 Subject: Submission: Welcome to the Wierd Wild Wacky World of the X-files. ~WELCOME~TO~THE~WIERD~WILD~WACKY~WORLD~OF~THE~X-FILES~ Disclaimer: All of the characters used in this belong to Chris Carter, [though I doubt it if he'll admit it once I'm through :) ] Any mention of any person living, dead, or alien (hmmm..now thats interesting..) is purely coincidental(sp?). I'm getting absolutely no money out of this, (just the odd few laughs) If you want to contact me about this, go right ahead. I'll accept anything- but just at least try to be nice.. A sMILE goes a long way!! Category: S(tory), H(umour) Summary: Hold on a minute, is there supposed to be a storyline?? 'Cos if there is, I've failed. :) This is just a joke, really. To make people laugh.. (well, I know I cracked myself up with it) Just a lot of chaos, a few demented people, and.. well, find out the rest yourself... Rating: I think I used the grand total of.. um... 2 bad words.. forgive me???? : ) I guess, maybe 12's at the most, but its as mild as mild can be! Just some good clean fun... :c) ",",",",","," "Mulder, don't look now, but that truth you've been looking for? Well, it's right behind you" David turned, pretending to see something in the distance. "Cut!" Chris roared. "I'm going to tell you once again. Stare at the white x as it moves across the bluescreen. We've got to get this right" Gillian rolled her eyes and took up her position again. "Jeez, ain't this fun" David grumbled. "Shut up and pay attention. I wanna go home" "Sure. Fine. Whatever" She stared at him. "Deja vu" "Action!" Chris was exercising his lungs again. "Mulder, don't look now, but that truth you've been looking for? Well, it's right behind you" Two sets of Mulders turned. Two sets of Scullys gawped at them. "Cut! I think everyone's a little tired... I'm starting to see doubles" Gillian stepped away from Scully. "Um, yeah, I think I'll go now" Scully raised an eyebrow at her. "Well, this is spooky" David laughed. Mulder and Scully stared at him. "Deja vu?" They looked around warily. David and Gillian stared at them. Then they turned and started to leave the set.Mulder and Scully drew their guns. "Don't move!" Scully looked towards Chris. "Why did you clone us? Did we get too close to the truth? Is that it? Or are you planning to infiltrate the Beureau?" One cameraman, who'd accidentally left the film running, let out a squalk. Mulder turned his gun on him. "They don't show up on camera!" Scully shot him an icy look. "Of course they don't. They're clones" "Sorry to crash the party, but, eh... you're the fictional character here. That is, if you really are Scully" "Of couse I'm Scully. Who else would I be? The man in the moon? And I'm as real as any of you.. I am NOT a FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!" "Go, girl.." "Shut up Mulder" "Sure. Fine. Wha.." "If you finish that, you won't see daylight" Gillian was annoyed. Very Annoyed. "Let's just remind ourselves who's holding the guns here?" "They're not loaded" Glen Morgan made his grand entrance. "What? Of course they are" "No, you never reloaded the gun after you dropped it" "I.. I.. How the hell do you know that I dropped my gun?? What kind of sick conspiracy is this?" Scully checked her gun, and raised an eyebrow. "My... my gun has no ammo in it..." Mulder and Scully exchanged uneasy glances. Then Glen shrieked. "The script! It's empty! The writing's gone.." Chris rolled his eyes. "Gillian, David, keep an eye on Mulder and Scully for a while.." "Hey, I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nine!!" "What do you mean the script is empty? There's still writing on it.." "Yeah, on all the characters EXCEPT Mulder and Scully" "Which means?" "They're no longer fictional" Bill Davis leanedup against the door frame. "This may not be the best time to show up" "What do you mean by... WAHHHHHH" Bill turned to see Mulder charging at him. "Black-lunged son-of-a-bitch! I knew you were involved in this!" "Help! I'm not... I.. David quit it, You're not Mulder!" "Darn right, I'm not!" Bill turned to see David standing in front of him, and Mulder racing after him. To his right, two Gillians were watching, one horrified, one slightly amused. "Besides, If I was him, I'd have gone cuckoo long ago. To think he chases after aliens... what a joke" "You are such a non-believer! I don't believe you!" Gillian stopped, confused.Scully stared at her, then at Mulder, who had stopped, hurt and severely confused. "Why can't you just leave him alone? Haven't you put him through enough already?" Scully moved over to him protectively. She was pissed off royally. Mulder stared at her gratefully. She smiled back. "This isn't supposed to happen yet! Not until midway through the sixth season!" Glen moaned. "I told you it was NEVER supposed to happen!" Chris roared. "Well, I guess it's tough luck on you then.You can't control us. I'm sick of this... I'm gonna write a script!" "Um, Scully, I trust you and all, but not that much!" "Hey, I've just twigged this now.. None of us have any jobs anymore. None of us! Chris's dream is a nightmare.." "It always was, from this point of view anyway.." "Shut up Scully" "..anyway... the rest of us will never get on another show, unless it's a spoof" "What about us?" Scully inched even closer to Mulder. "Please don't... you're reminding me how badly this show just died" "You? You've nowhere to go. You live in the X-files" "Hey! I'm not that wierd!" "Shut up Mulder" "Sure. Fine..." "I've warned you.. how about another boxcar? With no escape?" Glen flashed the paper threateningly at him. Mulder gulped and took a step away. Scully gave Glen THE LOOK, and Chris collapsed in a fit of hysterics. Gillian raised an eyebrow, and David joined Chris rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. Mulder shuddered. Scully watched Mulder's lookalike convulsing with laughter on the floor, grabbing a nearby desk for support, which subsequently collapsed over the hysterical Chris's head. Scully tried her best, but she couldn't help laughing. Seconds later she was doubled over, clutching her sides and begging for mercy from the peals of laughter. Gillian raised a second eyebrow. Mulder stared at her. "Alien influence?" She shrugged. "You never know" "I think I prefer you to Scully" A leg shot out and kicked him. Glen let out a loud guffaw. Gillian burst into a fit of giggles when she heard Glen's distinctive laugh. "Oh no, Don't you join them too.." Then she burst into fits of laughter to rival Chris. Mulder stared around him, clutching his shin in pain. He had to credit her. Scully was a good shot. All around him, Chris, David, Glen, Scully and Gillian (who appeared to be imitating each other) were all laughing hysterically, loud enough to raise the roof. And then there were six. Well, technically four with two split personalities, but anyway... Chris sat up and wiped his eyes. "Has anyone any idea why we are all dying from laughter?" Bill Davis rushed in. "The guys from Fox are doing the rounds again!" Chris stared at him blankly. "Um, I usually associate them with stress, not laughing...." Scully stared at Mulder distrustfully. "You sent people here?" "I.. no, I don't think so.. Why am I mentioned??" "It's not you, Bozo. It's the TV broadcasters we named you after to get the show aired.." "And that's why I spent my entire childhood telling everyone not to call me by my first name? For a stupid reason like that?" "Hmmm, well, basically yeah" "We've got to hide Mulder and Scully. Otherwise we'll be in deep.." "How about the storage closet?" Gillian chipped in, smiling innocently. Scully stepped back. "Oh, no. There's not enough space for two.." "There's nowhere else.." David and Chris bundled them in, both struggling self-conciously. The closet was larger than expected. But, in all fairness, it was only a closet. Mulder stumbled over a crate in the dark, and clothes flew everywhere. Scully snapped on her torch. "Hey.. aren't these your Speedos?" Scully laughed devillishly. "Isn't that what you wore the first night on our first case?" He pointed innocently at Scully's *underwear* and bathrobe. She went a colour that would put shame to Santa's suit. Outside, everything seemed normal. SEEMED. David and Gillian were 'acting' their scene, but neither could remember the lines. "Mulder, don't turn around but the truth is missing again.." The two guys from Fox walked in. Chris saved the show by ordering a break."..And get your lines learned for the next scene.." "Was there a next scene?" Gillian put a hand to her forehead. "I don't feel well" "I don't blame you. Come on sit down."David led her over to a chair. They the argument rage between Chis and the other two. The guys looked super angry. Chris looked super stressed. One turned and left, and the other sat down, looking around suspiciously. "Has anything unusual happened here?" "Well, this is the X-files, how unusual do you want?" David grinned. The guy pointed to the tracks in the fake snow. Two lead on set. Four lead back offset. "Well??" "Well..." A yelp from inside the closet made the guy turn around. He stared at the closet, then at Chris's guilty face. He got up and yanked the door open. Mulder tumbled out and landed at his feet.He looked a little embarrassed, then gave an idiotic grin. "Is that coffee? Can I've some too?" Chris dissappeared into the next room. The guy looked annoyed. "Why do you need stunt doubles? There wasn't supposed to be any stunts in this episode" Scully set her jaw. She was in a Mood. She pointed her gun at him. "Now listen you.. I'm no stunt double. I'm Dana Scully, and you are deadmeat if you call me that.." Mulder shook his head at her. "That's really not the best idea, Scully" "Shut up, Mulder" "Sure. Fine. Wha.." "Shut up, Mulder" "Deja vu" "Can you ever TAKE A HINT? Shut Up!" "Gee, sorry..." Scully rolled her eyes, then turned back to the retreating rep. "So. You broadcast this show, right? What do you do when the characters go on holiday? Or dissappear permanently?" "You aren't the characters" "Guess again" "But..but.." Gillian crept up and calmly took Scullys gun. "My my. Look at who's become trigger-happy" "Hey, Gil, when you're finished playing hero, I've got the coffee machine working again" "Shut up, Duchovny" "Who answered me? Scully, or...?" Gillian's jaw set. She and Scully were not standing in exactly the same positions. "We've got differences" Mulder smirked. "Yeah, the most identical twins I've ever seen, and they claim to have differences" He cocked his head. "Actually, you look more like mirror images" "Shut up, Mulder" "Do you ever get annoyed at that?" "I would have if your writers didn't write my character as someone that accept everything" He answered glumly. Gillian wiped some makeup from under her nose. "See? I've got a birthmark right here. She.." "..has it aswell.." David smirked as Scully revealed an identical birthmark. Scully rolled her eyes. "That's the fault of your makeup artists, and I'm stuck with it now" "Oh I really pity you so much" Gillian said sarcastically before turning away. The guy looked at them quizzically. "How come you're here? Why is there two of each actor if you aren't stunt doubles? And what were you doing in that closet, anyway?" Mulder stared at him. "WHAT are you implying?" Scully attemted to hide a smile. She almost suceeded. Almost. Another hauntingly familliar person entered the room. "Chris! Get out here right now! Why'd you call me here if the.. whahh, help, I'm seeing doubles!" Mulder's jaw dropped. "Samantha?" She stared at him. "Quit fooling around Duchovny. At least you know you're lines" Mulder sagged. David looked irratibly towards Megan. "I'm David. He's.. not even supposed to be here" "And that means?" "Don't ask" "Sure, Fin.." "If you finish that you won't live to see tommorrow" Scully shot at her. "Sorry, Gil, Has anyone seen a copy of the script?" "I'm not Gillian. I'm Scully" "Uh.. sure.fi..um..the script please?" "The script, the script, there is no script." Darin Morgan stepped in. "Where the hell is Chris?" "What do you mean there's no script?" Megan shrieked. David clamped his hands over his ears. "I hate it when she does that" The guy from Fox looked around wildly. "I've seen enough. We should start a show about the backstage goings on of this one... unnh!" Scully thwacked him in th neck and knocked him out efficiently. "He was pissing me off" "OooH, does that mean I can knock you out?" Gillian smiled viciously. Darin waved a few pages in the air. "Yeah, we see it Darin. What's so special about empty pages?" "Empty? It's not. I've just written the best Mulder/Scully exchanges ever. The fans will love this one." "The pages are empty" "That really doesn't say a lot for us, does it, Scully?" "How do you mean? She's? ..Oh, dear god SHE'S..." "Yeah, I'm Scully. Pleased to meet you" David picked up the pages. "Sorry Darin, But your brilliant exchanges have dissappeared. Darin collapsed, taking the desk with him. "Does anyone else want to take that desk out????" "Why's Megan here anyway? She's not supposed to play Samantha for another while.." "I'm not? I was just called in by Chris.." "Where IS Chris?" "Over here, on the basement set" They could hear him yelling. "Figures. Since when did you start preferring the x-file office to your own one?" David yelled back as he jogged over to the mentioned set. "Since someone jumped in the window into mine and demanded a copy of the Pilot script" Scully raised an eyebrow. David reached the set first, and the others tagged along behind him. "Since when do people fly up nearly five stories for an ancient script?" "I dunno about the script bit, but I think the window bit was getting back at the fact that Duane Barry attacked Scully through the window a few stories up, and SOMEONE leaked a copy of the earlier Tooms script where Mulder manages the feat aswell.." "I did?" "You did until Chris moved Scully's apartment number from number.. I don't know.. to number 35" "How do you know where I live?" Scully exploded. Everyone ignored her. "Ohh.. my poor office.." Mulder groaned. "It's always this messy. Why are you complaining?" With that, Scully tripped over a camera rail and flew head over heels into Mulder's desk. "Oh.. I get you now.. Ouch" Gillian helped her up. "Those rails are lethal in shoes like this, aren't they?" "Leave my shoes alone! It's not my fault I'm small!" "Look who you're talking to! I am you! Well, kindof.. except you're too damn sceptical to see what really happens in the world...." "Hey, Gil, stop messing with your characters mind. Not like this can get much worse, anyway.." "I think it just did" David stated quietly. >>>>>>>>-----------------<<<<<<<<< Well, that's all for now.. part 2 is half-done, but whether I post it or not depends on how bad (or good{yeah right}) people think this one is. If you have read this, please send me something... It's my first shot at it, so I have no idea what people are going to say. E-mail me! I beg you! Even if its blank, just go ahead!! Even if only to say you read this! Anyway, for those of you kind enough to contact me... my humble e-mail address: ihadubigtime@geocities.com