From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 27 Jan 2002 08:18:07 -0000
Subject: What Might Have Been Part 6 of 15 (NC17) by Fat Cat by FatCat
Source: direct

Reply To: FatCat926@msn.com


Title:    What Might Have Been Part 6 of 15
          FatCat (FatCat926@msn.com)

Rating:   NC17

Category: S/R Pre X-File to Season 6, MSR, 
          Scully angst, Mulder Angst, RST,
          BS gets his.

See Part 1 for all disclaimers and other
          information.

*****

Mid-evening, December 27, 1989
San Diego Hilton, San Diego California

*****

"Kat!  Are you a virgin?"  Mulder said as he 
moved away slightly, trying to see her eyes.  
He wished there were a full moon tonight 
instead of the new moon that did nothing to 
bring light into the room.

He could not see her cheeks redden, but he 
could feel the heat of her blush on his 
shoulder even through his shirt.

"Yes."  Came her simple reply.

A moment passed as he tried to reconcile her 
admission with her appearance at the door to 
the balcony earlier.

"Yet you came to me knowing what I probably 
had planned?  You came to me willingly?" His 
voice was a hoarse whisper.

"Yes."

"Why?"  He asked softly.

Dana pulled out of his arms and turned her 
back to him as she sat up on the edge of the 
bed.  She wrapped her arms across her torso as 
if she were frightened or freezing.

"Why?"  This time with more force.
She took a deep breath and began to speak.  
She couldn't turn around and face him, but she 
felt he deserved the truth.

Dana very concisely detailed her entire 
thought process of the earlier evening.  
Nothing was held back.  She was brutally 
honest with her evaluation of her emotional 
abilities as well as his ability to enflame 
her.  She listed the pros and cons to him as 
she had earlier to herself and then very 
quietly told him her conclusion.

"I decided I wanted you.  I have never felt 
excited by the prospect of sex before, but I 
am excited by the thought of sex with you.  I 
know you aren't in love with me.  I know it's 
not forever.  I fear you'll find our time 
forgettable.  But I know I will remember my 
experience with you for my entire life and I 
will measure my desire for you to every man I 
date in the future."

His silence terrified her.  She felt him sit 
up but he didn't touch her.  Dana finally 
couldn't stand the suspense any longer and 
turned to look at him after she switched the 
lamp on low.

The look on his face would have been comical 
if so much wasn't riding on his response.  He 
looked as if he were terrified and bemused at 
the same time.

"Drew, what are you thinking?"

"I'm amazed," was all he could say.

Mulder's mind was running in circles at a 
thousand miles a minute.  Kat wanted him.  She 
was a virgin.  Kat wanted him.  She thought it 
wasn't forever, but she wanted him.  Kat had 
used her magnificent mind to decide she wanted 
him.  She came to him like a bride-pure and 
loving.  Kat wanted him.  And he wanted her.

'Okay, Mulder,' he thought, 'Kat wants you so 
why are you hesitating?'

"Have you changed your mind about wanting me 
now that you know I've never done this 
before?"

Mulder looked at her, shocked by her question.

"Kat, to be truthful, your admission of 
virginity scares the hell out of me, but it 
doesn't lessen or increase my desire for you.  
I know most guys would jump at the offer 
you're making.  I just...  I guess I want more 
than tonight.  Damn, I feel like we've 
exchanged roles.  You are willing to accept me 
for what is essentially a one-night stand and 
I want a chance at more."

Now his admission shocked her.

"More?  Define 'more'," she whispered.

"I'm not sure I can.  I know I have never been 
more bemused with a woman than I am with you.  
We've only kissed a couple times and you've 
tied me in knots.  I have had casual sex with 
women I've picked up in bars before, but not 
one of them affected me like you.  Usually it 
was just sex.  Something necessary to fill a 
need that we both had at the moment and when 
the moment was over, so was the relationship.
Can you understand what I mean.  Don't get me
wrong, it's not happened that frequently, but
it has happened."  He looked at her to see if
she was following him.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were 
going to be a pleasant diversion from a 
troubled week.  But..."  His voice trailed off 
as he remembered their first hours together.

"But?" she prompted.

He grinned sheepishly at her as he realized he 
was lost in the pleasant memories of their 
meeting.

"But when we touched, when we began to talk, 
when you identified the perps the undercover 
cops were after, it all changed.  I didn't 
want you just for a one-night stand.  I wanted 
more.  I wanted to talk to you and to get to 
know everything that you would share with me.  
I wanted to dance with you.  I wanted to call 
you up and ask you out.  I wanted to take you 
to a movie and to get something to eat.  I 
wanted you to want me, even after you got to 
know me."

His fingers caressed her cheek as he looked 
into her eyes.  "I wanted more.  I still do.  
I know you're going back east Friday and I may 
never see you again.  I don't want that to 
happen.  I'm only out here temporarily 
and I will be back in DC at some point.  We 
could find out what more means together."  
Mulder searched her eyes for a clue to what 
Kat was thinking.

Her silence suddenly made him nervous enough 
to say, "But if this moment is all you are 
willing to offer me, this night, or this week, 
I accept.  I want you to know how I feel."

The continued silence was growing more 
uncomfortable for Mulder.  He had laid his 
soul out on the line for her and she was still 
thinking about all he said.  Finally Dana 
spoke.

"I need a little time to process all this 
information, Drew.  I think we should..."

Her next words were drowned out by the loud 
and embarrassing sounds of Mulder's stomach 
growling.

They both began to laugh, relieved to be able
to drop the intense discussion for a few minutes.

"I think we should order something to eat from 
room service and feed you before you expire, 
Drew Morgan."  She laughed.

"I agree," he said as he gave her a quick kiss 
to the temple and rolled off the bed.  "Is 
there anything in particular you would like me 
to order, Kat?"  he asked as he moved to the 
living room.

"Something light, fruit maybe or a salad.  
I'll be out in a few minutes, okay?"

He smiled again and the tension eased and they 
fell back into the patterns of banter they had 
originally established.

"Don't tell me you're going to change into 
something more comfortable!"  He teased as he 
once again looked at her gown and robe.

Dana just smiled and closed her bedroom door 
behind him.  She came out a few minutes later 
in a tee shirt and a pair of sweats.

"I was just teasing about changing clothes, 
you know."  Mulder softly said as she joined 
him on the couch.

"I felt I would be more relaxed eating if I 
changed," Dana smiled.

The pizza and the fruit salad from room 
service arrived before they could become 
uncomfortable.  After they ate, they stayed on 
the couch talking into the late hours of the 
night.

They shared parts of their childhoods with 
each other, parts of their dreams for the 
future, and while they had diametrically 
different backgrounds and childhoods, they 
found the debates that were triggered by these 
differences both challenging and entertaining.

They had moved closer together as the evening 
progressed.  Mulder was not surprised to feel 
her body become more relaxed and eventually 
during a lull in the conversation, Kat fell 
asleep in his arms.

He moved her into a more comfortable position 
and watched her as she slept.  He was so 
amazed by this small woman.  Though physically 
petite he could feel the strength of 
character, mind and body she extruded.  He 
didn't know why she affected him as she did.  
He didn't believe in love at first sight, did 
he?

When he thought he loved Kelli, his one high 
school romance, he didn't feel this way.  Only 
his libido was engaged by Kelli, but he 
thought it was love at the time.

When he thought he was in love with Phoebe, it 
was somewhat different.  He believed he was in 
love with her, mind and body, but he had been 
wrong.  When he met Phoebe he was ready to 
fall in love with the concept of being in 
love.  He soon learned that Phoebe was 
anything but the embodiment of love.  He 
didn't hate Phoebe, but he came close to it 
when the nightmares expanded to include her 
and her vicious mind games became part of the 
horror that plagued his nights.

Mulder knew he had a poor track record with 
love, but he felt Katherine Hennessey was 
someone he didn't want to screw things up 
with.  It could be real love with her.  When 
they were together he felt a satisfaction of 
soul he had never felt before.  Even the 
thoughts of the case from Dana Point seemed 
more manageable with her there.  He continued 
to contemplate their future relationship as he 
fell asleep.

Dana woke a short time later.  She was 
surrounded by warmth, strong arms held her.  
She inhaled quickly and realized where she 
was.  She was lying with Andrew Morgan on the 
couch of their suite.  She snuggled closer to 
Drew and started to think.

Drew wanted her, just as she wanted him, but 
he also wanted more.  He wanted a chance at a 
relationship.  Could she see herself in a 
relationship with this man?  After he found 
out she lied about her name, would he still 
want to see her?
 
So far he had told only the bare facts about 
his life.  He didn't seem to be lying or 
hiding things from her, he just was more 
interested in her than in himself.  What a 
concept!  A man that wanted to focus on her 
rather than himself.  And what a man.  He was 
brilliant, driven, compassionate and gorgeous.  

Yes, if she were truthful with herself she 
could see a long term relationship with this 
man.  While she was being so brutally honest, 
she admitted to herself  that she was probably 
already falling in love with him.

Did she still want to have sex with him?  Yes, 
but she realized that the only kind of sex 
they would have would be making love, not 
simple sex-definitely not fucking.  The 
thought of making love with Drew gave her a 
shiver of excitement.  The movement was small, 
but it served to wake Drew.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hi," Dana smiled back.  "Did I wake you?"

"Mmmm, if you did it's the best way to wake up,"
he smiled as he hugged her tighter.

"Shhh!  Don't wake up, let's go back to
sleep."

"Kat, if we're going to go back to sleep, 
let's do it in bed.  A five foot long couch 
isn't comfortable for a six foot tall guy."  
Mulder's smile intensified as he teased her.

She hugged him again and stood up.  He rose to 
stand beside her and was surprised when she 
turned to walk away.

"Kat!" was all he could say.

Dana turned and looked at him with a look of 
resignation on her face.  He wanted to go back 
to sleep.  He was joking and friendly, and he 
obviously didn't want her.  She couldn't look 
into his eyes; she was afraid of the rejection 
she would see.

"Kat," his voice was a rough whisper.

She slowly raised her eyes to his.  He didn't 
say another word, he beckoned to her with his 
open arms.  All her fears and insecurities had 
tried to overwhelm her again, but the sight of 
him standing there, waiting, asking silently 
for her to return to him gave her the strength 
she needed.  Dana took a deep breath and chose 
love.

Kat walked into his arms and hid her face 
against his chest.  He embraced her and held 
her as if he would never let her go.  They 
were swaying gently side to side as he 
silently praised her for her bravery.  

Mulder's hand slowly moved from her back to 
stoke her cheek.  He lifted her face to kiss 
her lips.  The kiss went from soft and gentle 
to hot and passionate and they parted, 
panting.  As they stood gazing at each other 
Mulder made his decision.

"I want you, Kat.  I know this is a bigger 
step for you than it is for me.  I want to
assure you that I just had my physical at
work and you don't have to worry about
catching anything.  But, I have to be honest 
with you, if we kiss again, if I touch you once
more, I won't be able to stop.  You need to
be sure this is what you want."

"Drew, I've already decided that this is what 
I want.  Um, you don't have to worry, I'm on 
the pill for medical reasons, and I don't have
anything either.  I was afraid that you had
changed your mind about wanting me."

"Never," was all Mulder said as he swept her 
up into his arms and started toward his 
bedroom.  Her lips on the side of his neck 
caused him to groan and stop in the doorway to 
kiss her.

Their lips met and a jolt of need jarred him 
to the soles of his feet.  He wanted to stay 
right where they were and rip her clothes off.  
A vision of him shoving her against the wall 
and thrusting his cock into her with one 
violent stroke flashed through his mind.  He 
could almost feel his release as they stood 
there.

He fought for control.  He didn't want to hurt 
or overwhelm Kat with his need.  The thought 
that he would have been better off if he had 
masturbated before touching her flashed 
through his mind for a second but he realized 
that even that probably wouldn't keep him from 
this feeling of frenzy. 

Dana realized Drew was trying to calm himself.  
"What are thinking?" she whispered.

Words failed him.  He shook his head and then 
lowered his lips to hers again, keeping the 
kiss soft allowing her to gentle him.  When he 
ended the kiss he was finally able to speak.  
"I need you so much, Kat.  I'm afraid I'm 
going to hurt you.  I want to make slow, 
sweet, tender love to you, but my body wants. . ."
  
He groaned again as she ran her fingers 
through his hair.

"If you keep touching me and kissing me like 
that I'm not sure I can be responsible for 
what happens."

"Drew, I trust you.  I know you wouldn't do 
anything to hurt me.  Believe me, nothing you 
have planned will scare me or disgust me.  I 
may be a virgin, but I've done a lot of 
research about what I've been missing.  I know 
it will be physically uncomfortable for me at 
first, but I have so many questions that 
research cannot answer and I'm counting on you 
to help me satisfy my curiosity.  Take me to 
bed, Drew.  I want to have my way with you."  
The last was said with a gleam of mischief in 
her eyes.

Mulder laughed out loud and tossed her up in 
the air high enough to elicit a matching laugh 
from Kat.  "That's my little wildcat!"  He 
walked into his bedroom and tossed her on the 
bed.  He switched on the light and started to 
crawl in to lie beside her, but she sat up 
quickly and stopped him.

"Wait.  I want to undress you first," Dana 
said as she stood up beside him.  "I need to 
see you."

Her hands moved to pull his shirt from the 
waist band of his jeans.  He raised his arms 
to help her and then let his hands fall on her 
shoulders as she tossed his shirt toward the 
corner.  This assertive side of Kat pleased 
him.  He wanted her to enjoy this experience 
as much as he and knew her active 
participation would increase her pleasure.

She stood quietly looking at his bare torso 
for a few moments.

"Um, Kat, do you need help with the next 
part?" Mulder teased.

"Please Drew, I'm savoring the moment," she 
grinned up at him playfully.  "My, my, what a 
beautiful chest you have, Mr. Morgan"

Dana lifted her hands to his chest and began 
to stroke him.  Her fingers fluttered over his 
small, brown male nipples, inciting them to 
grow more rigid at her touch.  Her hands 
continued to explore all the taunt muscles of 
his chest and abdomen.

Mulder groaned and let his head fall back. 
This lured her eyes to his long muscular neck 
and she moved closer to press little bites and 
kisses to it.  Dana continued to kiss, lick, 
and bite him from his clavicle to his chin, 
stretching up on her toes to reach.  Her hands 
continued to explore his back and sides.

"My, my, what a delicious neck you have, Drew 
Morgan," she met his eyes and grinned again.

Mulder groaned and tightened his grip on her 
shoulders.  "Kat!  Please!" was all he could 
say.

Dana smiled a secret little smile and moved 
back to allow her hands to move to the button 
on his jeans.  She knelt and slowly unzipped 
him, moving his pants and his boxers down over 
his erection carefully.  She stopped midstream 
to contemplate the surprise she had uncovered.

She looked up at him with a dazed smile.  "My, 
my what a beautiful cock you have, Drew.  It 
looks good enough to eat," Dana said as she 
licked her lips and grinned.

His eyes drank in the sight of her kneeling 
with her head even with his cock.  "All the 
better to make you scream with, my Dear."  He 
fell into her teasing mode.

Dana continued to smile as she slipped his 
shoes off so that she could completely remove 
his jeans.  She stopped and looked up his body 
into his eyes, hesitating for a moment to 
contemplate his magnificent erection.  His 
eyes looked black instead of the kaleidoscope 
of green, gold and brown she was used to.

She pulled a blanket from the bed and folded 
it into a pad to kneel upon.  She removed his 
sox and finished undressing him.  Dana moved 
her hands to his legs and began to stroke up 
the back of his calves to his thighs.  If 
possible, his erection became larger.  His 
breathing grew more erratic as he realized 
what she had in mind.

"Kat, you don't have to..."

"Shhh.  I know I don't have to do anything, 
but this is one of those things I've been very 
curious about."  As she spoke she moved her 
right hand toward his balls and her left hand 
to cup his butt.

"There are varying opinions on the benefits of 
fore play that includes fellatio and 
cunnilingus.  Since I began studying human 
sexual reproduction I have been intrigued by 
the heat of the arguments presented both pro 
and con. I have many, many unanswered 
questions that only hands-on experience can 
answer.  You are going to allow me to 
experiment so I can draw my own scientific 
conclusion, aren't you?"  Once again Mulder 
was overwhelmed by her curiosity, her humor, 
and her courage.

"Well, in the interest of science..." he teased 
back.  It was the last coherent words he was 
able to utter for some time.

Dana pushed on his right leg so that his 
stance gave her better access to him.  She 
began to stroke his erection with her 
fingertips, marveling at the various textures 
she felt.  He was circumcised so she was able 
to easily see the drops of pre-cum that began 
to form at the tip with her first touch.  The 
veins in his penis were well defined, yet the 
entire texture of his cock reminded her of the 
soft skin of a baby.  His penis was hard, long 
and thick.  She remembered Melissa telling her 
the only men who were worth a damn to a woman 
had a cock like Drew's; now she would know what
she meant by that remark.

The hair around his groin was surprisingly 
dark and thick.  She thought it would be 
blonde or brown like the rest of his hair.  
The deep color seemed to be right for him and 
she gave it no further notice.

The texture of his scrotum surprised her.  His 
balls seemed to be hot and hard to the touch.  
There was no extra skin evident.  They too 
were nestled in dark hair.  She lifted them in 
her hands, squeezing them gently as if 
measuring their weight.  Drew inhaled deeply.  
She applied more pressure as she squeezed and 
a groan of pure pleasure was Drew's response.  
She stored this tidbit of knowledge away for 
another time.

She lowered her face toward his groin.  She 
rubbed her cheek and nose against the soft 
hair around his cock.  She drew in the scent 
the was uniquely Drew Morgan.  He smelled like 
musk and soap and something else she was 
unfamiliar with.  She rocked forward on her 
knees and gasped as a shock of desire pulsed 
through her.

Dana began to kiss the length of his cock to 
the tip.  She laved her tongue along the 
entire length and back down to his balls.  She 
opened her mouth and gently sucked on each in 
turn.  The tension in Drew's body built each 
second her lips were in contact with him.

Grasping his cock in her hand and stroked the 
skin forward toward the tip, her tongue 
flicked the drop of pre-cum off the end as her 
fingers slid back down his cock.  The taste 
was slightly salty, but not unpleasant she 
realized as the heat in her center began to 
spread and throb.  She began to tense and 
release her vaginal muscles.

Mulder shuttered and groaned.  He fought with 
every fiber of his being not to ejaculate at 
each new touch of her hands or mouth.

Dana realized he was too large for her to take 
more than a few inches of his cock into her 
mouth without her gag reflex kicking in.  She 
grasped him with both her small but strong 
hands, leaving the top few inches open.  She 
began to rhythmically stroke his cock, 
eliciting a sharp intake of breath by Drew.  
The rhythmic motion fed her desire to capture 
the elusive feeling that was beginning to 
build in her center.

Dana's eyes were drawn up to Drew's face.  She 
was amazed how the sight of his pleasure, the 
sounds of his voice and the touch of his cock 
could stimulate her arousal so intensely   As 
she quickened the pace, felt him tensing the 
muscles of his legs.  His breathing grew more 
and more erratic.

She lowered her mouth to cover the end of his 
cock.  She had never done this before, but 
fell back on her studies to tell her what to 
try. She licked, and sucked and kissed him, 
enjoying the taste and texture of him, never 
breaking the rhythm of the deep strokes of her 
hands.  Everything she did seemed to increase 
his pleasure and thus to amplify her own.

Mulder moved his hands to her hair.  He didn't 
hold her head or try to guide her, he just 
want to run his hands through the short blonde 
curls as she tasted him.  He was so turned on 
by her touch alone that everything she did 
drove him closer and closer to the edge.

Dana found the spot on the underside of the 
tip of his penis that drove him wild.  She ran 
first her lips then her teeth over it as she 
continued to suck harder.  Mulder began to 
pant.  The burn that started in his lower back 
had moved lower and he could feel his balls 
clinching, ready to release his load.

"Baby, I'm going to come," he growled.  "Kat!  
Please, I can't stop."

She knew he was trying to give her time to 
back off.  When she had started she wasn't 
sure she wanted to take this to orgasm, but 
she hadn't counted on her arousal building to 
this level.  Tonight, with this man, she 
wasn't 'Dana the Goodie-Two-Shoes', she was 
'Kat the Curious' and her only response was to 
increase her suction and the rhythm of her 
strokes.  

Mulder's hoarse groan echoed through the room.  
He ejaculated so hard and so long that he 
almost lost consciousness.  His knees buckled 
and he fell backwards onto the bed.

His harsh breathing was the only sound in the 
room.  As soon as he could raise his head he 
looked towards Kat.  She was crawling up onto 
the bed with the most amazingly satisfied look 
on her face.

Mulder stretched out his hand and Kat moved 
into his arms.  He held her close to him and 
kissed her everywhere he could reach.

"I've never felt anything more incredible in 
my entire life."  Drew's honesty amazed her.  
"Give me a moment and we'll continue your 
research," he teased.

Dana laid in his arms and felt completely 
surrounded by his warmth.  This was only the 
beginning, what would the rest be like?  The 
throbbing pulse in her center had lowered to a 
warm burn when she moved to the bed.  

If she were honest with herself, she would 
have to admit the major reason she had avoided 
sex was the loss of control.  Drew had allowed 
her to take the initiative in their foreplay 
and it had created a level of arousal and 
trust she had not expected.  


He had given her his beautiful body freely; 
could she do less?  Her mind couldn't rest, 
nor could her hands.  She stroked his chest 
and shoulders.  The heat that had suffused her 
body when she was touching and kissing him 
grew and seemed to melt the fear of being out 
of control that ruled deep inside her.  She 
felt moisture in the crotch of her sweats and 
knew it was due to her arousal.  She wanted 
more.

Mulder fought sleep.  Kat's luscious mouth and 
strong hands had drained him.  His body cried 
for rest but as oxygen returned to his brain 
his mind raced with the possibilities of the 
night.

"Drew, if you're tired we could just go to 
sleep."  Kat's voice held a teasing note, but 
he could tell that she was offering him rest.

"Kat, as soon as I catch my breath, you are 
going to be well and completely loved."  
Mulder gave her a teasing leer.

"One can only hope, Mr. Morgan," she teased 
back in an unintentionally sexy voice.

Mulder groaned as a wave of arousal washed 
through his gut again bringing the beginnings 
of the tingle in his balls and stirring of his 
cock. He was only mildly surprised it was 
happening so quickly.  He knew it was all 
about Kat.  He raised up so he could look into 
her eyes.  They stared at each other for a 
moment before he lowered his lips to kiss her, 
wanting to taste himself on her lips.  He 
began to stroke her neck and shoulder, but 
drew back as if surprised.

"One of us has entirely too many clothes on, 
Kat.  And I intend remedy it right now.  If 
you have any sentimental feelings for your 
clothes, I suggest you help me remove them now 
or. . ."

"Or?" she challenged him.

"Or I'll rip them off you."  He grinned to let 
her know he was only halfway teasing.

He rose from the bed and pulled her to her 
feet.  Their fingers were intertwined and they 
stood just inches from one another.

He slowly moved his hands to her tee shirt.  
"I wanted this since the moment I laid eyes on 
you."  Mulder pulled her shirt over her head 
and stood looking at her.

Dana wasn't wearing a bra under the tee shirt 
and the revelation of her beautiful, lush 
breasts nearly sent him to his knees.  Her 
breasts were in perfect proportion to her tiny 
waist and rounded hips.  Her skin was pearly 
white, almost glowing in the dim light.  Her 
areolas were small, a shade of light pink each 
punctuated with a deep rosy pink nipple.

Mulder lifted his hand to touch her and was 
amazed to realize it was trembling.  Sliding 
his other hand up her side hooking his thumb 
under her other breast, he wrapped his fingers 
around her and applied just enough gentle 
pressure on her back to keep her from stepping 
away.  He didn't want to pressure her, but he 
needed to touch her, now.

His fingers stroked across the side of her 
breast, sliding under and lifting the fullness 
in his hand as if weighting it.  He circled 
her areola with a gentle stroke of his fingers 
and watched in amazement as it pebbled.  Her 
nipple hardened and seemed to grow longer, 
anticipating his touch.  She made no move to 
cover herself or to step away.  In fact she 
moved into his caress, and he lifted his other 
hand to copy the touch on her other breast.

Dana watched his face as he stroked her.  At 
first she watched because she was afraid he 
would be disappointed by the size of her 
breasts, but then she was fascinated by his 
response to her.

His lips parted and his breathing quickened.  
She knew that the flush of arousal she saw on 
his face was duplicated on hers.

Mulder was mesmerized.  The beauty of her 
breasts, her responsiveness, the softness of 
her skin was all and more than he expected.

"Kat, you're beautiful," he breathed.  "Did I 
tell you I'm a breast man?"  He teased as he 
lowered his head to taste her.  His lips 
parted and he gently ran his teeth across her 
nipple then softly laved it with his tongue.  
His fingers moved to roil and stroke her other 
nipple.

Dana bit her lips, trying to stifle the groan 
of pleasure that radiated from her breasts to 
every part of her body.  The feel of his lips 
on her breasts was causing the heat between 
her legs to increase.  She squirmed, moving 
her legs, trying to create enough friction to 
relieve the ache she felt building there.  

As slight as her movement was Mulder caught 
it. He smiled against her nipple and kissing 
his way across began to worship her other 
breast.

This time his hand began to stroke down her 
torso and around her waist to her back.  He 
palmed the cheek of her ass through her 
clothes and pressed her into him.  Her
response was immediate.  She began to grind 
her mons against him, seeking any relief from 
the ache he was creating.

He began to suckle her breast, still caressing 
her ass as he gently lowered her to the bed.

Dana gasped when he began to suckle.  The heat 
this feeling caused was greatly increasing the 
possibility that she would have her first 
orgasm, if that truly was what was happening, 
without penetration of any sort.  The thought 
that Drew could bring her to orgasm so easily 
made her moan and writhe under him.

He sucked hard on one breast then the other.  
Dana could hear a soft 'pop' when he released 
her nipple and began to kiss down her abdomen 
to her navel.  His tongue swirled around and 
then darted lower, stopped by the waistband of 
her sweats, riding low on her hips.  He tugged 
on the string, loosening it, but not sliding 
her sweats down.

He continued to taste her as his mouth moved 
back up her body to once again claim her lips.  
His hands were everywhere.

"Drew, why did you stop?  You're driving me 
crazy," was all she could say as he engaged 
her lush lips again.

End Part 6 of 15

Title:    What Might Have Been Part 7 of 15
          FatCat (FatCat926@msn.com)
*****

Late evening, December 27, 1989
San Diego Hilton, San Diego California

*****

"Kat, don't you save the best for last at 
Christmas?  That one present you want more 
than anything in the world to open, isn't that 
the last one, the best and finest held back to 
the end?"  Mulder's lips traveled back down to 
her neck.   The kisses deepened as he marked 
her as his.  He sucked on her neck at the 
junction with her shoulder, just above the 
vein that throbbed there.

In a move Dana never saw coming, he flipped 
her over and straddled her hips.  He leaned 
over her and began to kiss the back of her 
neck, his breath teasing her wispy blonde 
curls.  His fingers were running through her 
hair and the newly shorn locks curled with a 
life of their own around his fingers.  Little 
shivers of excitement scampered throughout her 
as his lips, and tongue, and hands moved down 
her spine and then over her entire back.

Mulder stroked his hands down her arms, 
starting at her shoulders, bring her arms out 
at right angles from her body.  He linked his 
fingers through hers and lowered his warm 
chest gently to cover her.  She was so small 
compared to him.  He buried his face in her 
neck, close to her ear.  She could feel his 
hot breath cascade around her neck and back as 
he whispered her name.  His erection long, 
hard, and hot stroked her through her sweats.

"Did I ever tell you I'm a back man?" he 
teased.  Once again he began to kiss down her 
spine as he scooted down her thighs.  His 
hands gently bringing her arms to rest 
parallel to her body.  

Dana had closed her eyes, but was far from 
asleep.  His worship of her body was inciting 
heat to build in her.  It started in her spine 
as his kisses teased her and moved up through 
her shoulders, neck and caused an explosion of 
hot want in her brain.  A matching heat moved 
toward her vagina and incited tiny 
contractions.

'How can I stand more of this sweet torture?' 
she thought with her emotional side.  
'Whooboy!  He hasn't even removed your sweats 
yet, Dana!' piped in her rational side.  She 
felt as if she were going into sensory 
overload.

Mulder continued to kiss down her spine and 
met the roadblock of her sweats once again.  
His large hands moved back up the outside of 
her arms and down her sides, moving under her 
to stroke her breasts, giving each nipple a 
gentle tweak, and then back down to her hips 
to settle on her sweats.

"Raise your hips, Kat," he growled.

Shifting back onto her knees, she moved her 
hips up as he slid her sweats and underpants 
down her body and tossed them aside.  Dana 
slid back down on the bed.  His silence once 
again allowing her feelings of inadequacy to 
take over.

"Are you still there, Drew?" she had to say.

"Shhh.  I'm savoring the moment," he repeated 
her words to her in a shaky voice.

"Oh," came her quiet reply.

Mulder was feasting his eyes on her.  Naked at 
last, her body was one long sleek line of 
beauty.  He marveled at how such a small woman 
could be so perfectly formed and proportioned.  
She could be an Amazon, seven feet tall or a 
perfect marble rendition of woman you could 
hold in your hand.  The trembling returned to 
his hands as he moved to touch her again.

"Kat,"  he could barely speak.  "You are 
magnificent."  He ran his hands down the 
entire sleek line of her body, from neck to 
toes.  His mouth lowered to her back, just 
above the gentle swell of her ass.  Dana 
clamped down her vaginal muscles and groaned 
as he kissed and licked the dimples he found 
there.

He once again began to worship her with his 
body. 

When he had kissed and stroked every inch from 
her waist to her toes, he moved back up her 
body and she was surprised to feel him slide 
his arms around her upper thighs as if in an 
embrace.  He rested the side of his face 
against her ass for a second, then began to 
rub each of her sweet, heart-shaped butt 
cheeks with his beard-stubbled cheeks, 
stopping to let his lips and tongue deify 
areas he recognized as precious.  The friction 
of his overnight beard growth tickled and 
excited her at the same time.  She began to 
move again, trying to ease the ache between 
her legs with some small friction.

Mulder slid one hand up to her waist again, 
caressing  every inch of skin along the way.  
His lips and tongue moved to kiss the top of 
her thighs and the crease joining her butt to 
her legs, first left then right.  Dana felt 
him hesitate as he moved from one leg to the 
other.  He inhaled deeply, but moved on.

Once again he sighed.  "Now, what am I going 
to do?  I think I'm an ass man and a leg man, 
too.  Maybe I'm just supposed to be your man," 
he said as he once again raised up over her, 
but to one side.

He executed the same smooth move and flipped 
her over, exposing the entire front of her 
body to him.  She felt like she should be 
angry with him for treating her like a rag 
doll, but in fact she was excited by his 
strength.  'One flush of hormones and my 
entire paradigm shifts,' she mused.

Mulder wanted to see her eyes.  He locked his 
hazel gaze to her blue and searched for the 
reassurance he needed to take this to the 
final stage.  Kat's eyes were no longer sky 
blue.  The pupil was so black and  enlarged 
her eyes looked navy.

His eyes swept down her body and came to a 
screeching halt at her mons.  His breathing, 
already heavy, became erratic and his mouth 
began to water.  He slowly shook his head side 
to side, as if to clear his vision.

"Kat!" was all he could say.  He extended his 
right hand to touch her, not quite brave 
enough to make contact.  She had obviously 
either shaved or waxed her entire vaginal 
area.  He was already aroused by their 
explorations, but he felt a flare of desire so 
intense it felt as if he were burning alive 
from his scalp to his toes.  His erection, 
already hot and ready actually seemed to swell 
to an even more impressive size.

Dana watched him as he stared at her.  She 
suddenly felt uncomfortable with his intent 
look.

"I had a body wax," she said.  "One of my 
friends, a  second year intern, suggested it.  
She claimed it made her life easier during the 
long shifts.  It seemed plausible and a little 
erotic, so I. . ." she knew she was babbling.

Mulder groaned as he reached down and pressed 
his hand against his cock as if to relieve the 
pressure of immediate need.
"I. . .  I. . ." was all he could say.  His 
eyes raised back to hers and he realized how 
embarrassed she was by his intense stare.

He lowered himself to lie beside her and 
gathered her into his arms.  "I have never 
been with anyone as exciting as you Kat.  You 
must know everything about you turns me on.  
But this," he said as he allowed his hand to 
sweep down her body to stroke her center, 
"this is something so exotic a man could go 
through his whole life and never experience."  

He began kissing her again, his tongue 
stroking her lips coaxing them to open for him 
as his fingers stroked her thighs.

"Kat, I want you."

"Drew...," she moaned.

Mulder hated the lie between them.  He knew it 
was necessary to stay under cover, but he 
couldn't stand to hear that name come from her 
lips while they made love.

"Don't!  Don't call me Drew.  Andrew Morgan is 
a name that has nothing but bad memories 
attached to it.  Don't call me Drew while we 
make love, please?"

"What should I call you?"

"I don't know.  Honey or Baby or anything you 
want."

Mulder had ceased to stroke her while they 
talked.  Dana continued to stroke his chest as 
she ruminated over his request.

She looked into his eyes and smiled.  "I'm not 
much one for nicknames.  What's your middle 
name?"

Mulder was torn.  Should he tell her it was 
William, the same as her father and big 
brother or should he take a chance and tell 
her it was. . . 

"Fox.  It's a family name," he said quietly.

"Fox.  It certainly is appropriate," she said 
as she smiled into his eyes.  "I can live with 
that, Fox."  And she kissed him.

Mulder was blown away by the sound of his name 
on her lips.  He had hated his name from his 
first day of school.  He had learned how to 
fight and how to run very fast because of his 
name, but from her, it sounded like heaven.

Mulder teased her lips open and let his tongue 
sweep her mouth.  The kiss deepened and soon 
they were both lost in the heat generated by 
their mutual desire.  

Their lips parted and he began kissing her 
face.  He worshiped her eyes, her cheeks, her 
nose, and her chin and then moved down her 
neck again.  He could see the bruise on her 
neck, his previous love bite, and moved to 
place a twin on the other side.

Dana was lost in a sensual haze.  She felt his 
mouth on her neck and felt a wave of desire 
flush through her body as his lips marked her 
as his.  Where was her independence?  All her 
feminist ideals flew out the window in a 
flurry of hormones.  He was her mate and she 
was his-his to mark with his kiss of 
possession.

His hands covered her breasts.  Her nipples 
were so sensitive that his rough palms made 
them ache once again.  She could feel them 
harden and swell, straining towards his touch.

"Fox!"  she groaned.

Mulder was lashed by desire.  He continued to 
kiss down her body, paying special attention 
to her breasts.  As he kissed her, he swept 
his hands across and down her body, noting 
each sensitive spot and storing the knowledge 
away for later.  This had gone on too long.  
His arousal was becoming painful.

Kat had bought them some time with her 
experiment in fellatio, but that was then and 
this was now.  He wanted to bury himself in 
her, but knew he still had to be careful.  It 
didn't matter that she was, in her innocent 
arousal, as erotic and exciting as any 
practiced courtesan, the fact remained that 
she was a virgin.

He didn't want to hurt her, but knew it was 
inevitable.  She needed to be very turned on, 
relaxed, and receptive to ease the pain.

His tongue stroked over her bellybutton.  He 
worshipped her stomach, stopping to nibble 
here and there at will.  His fingers continued 
to stroke down her legs, and back up the 
inside of her thighs.

Mulder lowered his mouth to slide down her 
seam to her clit.  He slid his hands to cup 
her ass and shifted her hips forward and up, 
spreading her thighs and opening her like a 
flower.  His tongue felt incredibly rough 
compared to the silk of her skin.  The 
complete lack of hair in her vaginal area was 
strange yet intoxicating, as if she were 
unique-a goddess of love that came to life for 
his pleasure alone.

His Kat was purring under his ministrations.  
He could actually see the proof of her arousal 
as drops of it spread from deep inside her.  
It invited his tongue to slide as deeply into 
her as humanly possible.  He licked and 
suckled her clit until she was making little 
mewing noises deep in her throat.  He could 
tell by the change in her breathing, and the 
tightening of her thighs, that she was going 
to come.

"Fox, I feel like I'm going to drown."  Kat 
said only seconds before her body began to 
quake and she slid into an abyss of pleasure 
so deep she never wanted to surface.  "Oh! Oh, 
my!  FoxFoxFoxFoxFox..."

Mulder continued to nibble and lick her clit, 
prolonging her orgasm for as long as possible.  
Her soft voice calling his name over and over 
nearly destroyed him.  He kissed his way back 
up her body and pressed his body against her.

His fingers gently stroked her face as he bent 
to kiss her.  The taste of her was on his 
lips.  Kat was surprised at how quickly her 
arousal was growing again.  His tongue began 
to thrust in and out of her mouth, echoing the 
movement of his hips against her belly.  His 
erection was hot and hard against her.  She 
suddenly couldn't wait to feel him inside her.  
She moaned into his mouth.

Mulder slid his hand down her body to stroke 
her and ease her thighs farther part.  His 
body moved to cover her. He stroked her entire 
vaginal area with the tip of his cock, taking 
care to stroke slowly but deliberately over 
her sensitive clit.  When her sighs of arousal 
changed to groans and small thrusts of her 
hips against him, he positioned his cock and 
slid into her very slowly, giving her vagina 
time to adjust to his size.  His erection was 
as hard as steel and needed no further 
guiding.  He moved his arms up under her back 
and cradled the top of her shoulders with his 
fingers, his thumbs gently stroking the tops 
of her arms.  He once again slid forward to be 
stopped by her hymen.

Dana felt the resistance as he moved again.  
The small nudge of pain caused her to open her 
eyes.  He stopped his movement.

Mulder kissed her and said,  "I'm sorry 
Sweetheart, I have to hurt you now.  God, Kat, 
I'm so sorry."

He began kissing her again.  As his tongue 
slid into her mouth and was met by her 
acceptance, he felt her begin to relax.  He 
thrust his cock into her breaking through her 
innocence, halting once again to allow her 
body to adjust.

Dana had willed her body to relax as he began 
to kiss her again.  She had read the 
literature, both scientific and fictional 
about the intensity of the pain to come, but 
felt no fear.  The sharp burning sensation was 
over almost before it began.  The pleasure of 
being filled by him took over again.

She lifted her hand from his back and stroked 
his face.  He had stopped kissing her and 
buried his face in her neck, overwhelmed by 
guilt and pleasure.

"Fox, I want to feel all of you inside me, 
please, now!"  All of this was so new to her, 
but the urge to be filled with him, to feel 
him so far inside her he touched her heart, 
was coming from basic instinct.

Her urgent plea made him look into her eyes 
again.  She could see the guilt and desire war 
in his.  Dana pulled his face down to her and 
moved her mouth to his ear.  She began kissing 
him on the tender spot she had found earlier, 
then let her mouth slide down to the curve of 
his neck and shoulder.  She began to suck his 
neck, marking him as hers.  That was all it 
took to drive him over the edge of desire.

He slid his hips slowly forward until he was 
buried to the hilt within her.  His soft hair 
tickled her as he ground into her causing his 
pubic bone to massage her clit.  He slowly 
pulled out and slid back in again, even 
further and felt his cock stroke her cervix.  
The agony of this slow, sensual attack was 
driving her crazy.  She wanted him to move 
harder, faster, and began to lift her hips in 
a quickening tempo.

He looked at her as if to ask if she were sure 
and the swift thrust of her hips was her 
answer.

Mulder was once again amazed by this woman.  
Kat wanted him as much as he wanted her.  He 
began to stroke into her, hard, fast and deep 
and pull out slowly, savoring the feeling of 
her satin skin.

"Fox!  More, I want, I think, I need...I..."  She 
was no longer capable of speech.  His cock was 
pounding into her, touching her cervix on the 
way in and teasing her clit on the way out.  
She slid into a haze of want, there was 
nothing in her universe except Fox pounding 
into her.  She didn't know how to touch him to 
increase his pleasure, so she did as her body 
dictated.  She let her hand move over his 
body, reveling in the feel of his strength and 
beauty.  She began to move her hips in a 
slightly circular motion when she found it 
increased the stimulation of her clit.

Mulder knew he wasn't going to be able to hold 
back much longer, but he wanted to bring her 
to orgasm before he allowed his release.  He 
moved up on his knees and elbow slightly to 
change the angle of his stokes.  He slid his 
hand down her body and began to rub and gently 
pinch her hard nub as he once again increased 
the tempo of his thrusts.  

Dana could feel the newly familiar wave of 
heat that signaled the beginning of her 
orgasm.  She knew nothing but the beautiful, 
impossible need for completion.  She moved her 
legs up higher and higher on Drew's back 
causing a marked increase in the intensity of 
her pleasure.  When she felt his fingers begin 
to stroke, pinch and rub her clit, a 
tremendous cramping wave of heat and relief 
swept through her body and she began to spasm 
around his cock as her orgasm forced reality 
to fall away once again.

She heard a woman groaning and then screaming 
but couldn't think clearly enough to realize 
that it was she who was screaming.  Her hands 
clutched at Fox's back scoring it with bloody 
trails that would take days to heal.  Her 
orgasm began to build again as he continued to 
pound into her.  He lost his magical rhythm 
and began to drive erratically into her.  She 
knew he was close to the edge but that was her 
last coherent thought for some time as she 
reached the pentacle of her orgasm and sank 
into oblivion.

Mulder felt the increased flow of her juices 
suck at his cock just before she began to 
tremble and spasm around him.  He lost his 
rhythm as hot sprays of semen shot from his 
balls into her.  She milked him with the 
tremors of her release and then became still.  
He had never come so hard or for so long in 
his life.

He collapsed, the over-used muscles of his 
legs and arms burning, unable to support him 
for one more moment.  He twisted to keep the 
weight of his body from crushing her, but 
still pressed against her from head to toe.  
Their sweat-soaked bodies began to chill from 
the breeze of the open patio door.

Mulder managed to get the sheet and a blanket 
from the foot of the bed and cover them.  He 
moved his arm back around Kat and pulled her 
closer still.  He realized she was as drained 
as he.  They both needed sleep.  He slid his 
hand to her cheek and ran his thumb over her 
lips.  Her response was a faint kiss that 
curled into a smile.

"Mmmmm.  That was incredible Fox."  A yawn 
shuttered through her.  "I can't seem to 
concentrate, I need to sleep."

"Shhh. It's okay.  Sleep, Kat."  He hand moved 
to stroke her body.  "We'll talk later."

But they didn't.  Little did either know it 
would be years before they would actually 
discuss their relationship and the great joy 
and incredible pain it left in each of their 
lives.

End Part 7 of 15


Title:    What Might Have Been Part 8 of 15
          FatCat (FatCat926@msn.com)

*****

Early Evening April 19, 1999
Fox Mulder's Apartment, Alexandria, Virginia

*****

Dana Scully jerked to awareness and began to 
struggle against the man who held her.  He 
wanted to rip her heart out of her living 
body!  He wanted to kill her!  She struck out 
blindly, not willing to die without a fight. 
 
As she became more focused on her 
surroundings, she realized that the man 
holding her was not the hooded killer of 
moments before, but her partner Mulder.

Her desire to escape ceased but she began anew 
to struggle.  This time she was trying to 
fight her way into his arms and as close to 
his body as she could get.  She was terrified 
by the events of the last few minutes and 
needed to feel safe.  Mulder always made her 
feel safe.  She needed Mulder.

She could hear a sound, not unlike a woman 
keening at the death of a loved one, and 
realized that it was coming from her.  Great 
sobbing gulps of air entered her lungs and 
came back out as a cry filled with terror.  
She could feel Mulder's body shake as he 
allowed himself to cry with her.  His fear of 
losing her driving him to hold her as 
desperately as she held him.

"Scully, are you all right?  I called 911 as I 
ran up the stairs.  They should be here any 
moment, hold on.  Everything will be okay."

"Mulder, I'm fine.  I mean, I don't think he 
hurt me.  Don't let go,"  she cried, as he 
tried to move away to access her wounds.

"Scully, you're covered in blood.  I need to 
see if I need to stop the bleeding.  Please, 
let me help."

Scully allowed him to lift her and move to his 
couch.  She was still in his arms but not 
clasped as tightly to his chest as before.

Mulder apologized with his eyes as he 
unbuttoned her shirt to check for open wounds.  
There was a lot of blood on her blouse and her 
bra, but he could not find an open wound 
anywhere.  He was amazed.

"Scully, where is all this blood coming from?  
You don't have a scratch on you!  Did you 
shoot your attacker?  I heard several gun 
shots, even down in the basement.  Which way 
did he go when he left?"

"Mulder, I don't know.  I..."

The sound of the ambulance finally heralded 
the EMT squad arrival.  The deep quiet of the 
apartment allowed the agents to hear the ding 
of the elevator as it arrived on the fourth 
floor.  The pounding feet of two EMTs echoed 
through the halls.

"Did you call 911?  Where's the gunshot 
victim?"

"I'm Agent Fox Mulder, FBI and this is Agent 
Scully.  I called 911.  Could you two produce 
some identification before we proceed?"  
Mulder's request was made politely, but 
firmly.  He had allowed Scully to be abducted 
by men posing as EMT's before and wasn't about 
to allow it to happen again.  His gun was out 
of sight by his right leg, hidden by Scully's 
body, safety off, a full clip of ammo.

The two techs were surprised at the request 
but produced their IDs and allowed the 
suspicious FBI agent to examine them before 
proceeding.

At the small nod of Mulder's head the older 
male EMT  moved cautiously forward to examine 
the bloody woman.  She tightly clutched her 
blouse together and gave him a glare, 
effectively halting him in his tracks.

"I am fine," she managed. 

"No offence, Agent Scully, but you're covered 
with blood and look as if you could be going 
into shock."

"I'm a medical doctor..." she began.

"Scully, just let them check you out.  It's 
better now than to have to take you to the 
hospital later."  Mulder used his trump card 
to win her cooperation.

Scully scowled at him but moved off his lap 
and onto a chair to allow the EMT space to 
check her out.

As she moved, they heard the sound of another 
siren approaching the building.  

"That should be the police."  Mulder moved to 
meet them.  He hesitated by Scully.  "Will you 
be okay?"

"I'm fine Mulder."  Scully was beginning to 
feel the effects of the shock the EMTs were 
looking for, yet knew she had allowed herself 
enough weakness in front of her partner today.  
"I think I shot him, he couldn't have gotten 
too far."

Mulder's gaze bore into her eyes.  He knew she 
wasn't "fine".  He could see her color was off 
and the sweat on her face belied the chills 
that coursed through her body.

"I'll get them on this and get back as soon as 
possible."  He reached out and squeezed her 
shoulder as he moved toward the door.

Dana Scully watched him walk through the door 
of the apartment, a look of need on her face.

"He'll be back soon, Agent Scully."  The 
younger, female EMT ventured.  "Any man as 
protective as he is of you won't be leaving 
for long."

Scully closed her eyes and nodded her head.  
The two techs went to work.

*****

Early Evening, April 20, 1999
Fox Mulder's Apartment, Alexandria, Virginia

*****

It seemed like only a moment later that she 
jerked awake, aware that she had drifted off 
at some point.  She quickly looked around to 
ascertain where she was and sighed in relief 
when she recognized that she was still at 
Mulder's apartment, but had been moved to his 
bed.

She heard his feet hit the floor and move 
toward her as soon as her sigh passed her 
lips.  He had been listening for her to awake.

He appeared at the door, hesitant to wake her 
if she was only moving in her sleep.  His 
smile at seeing her stirring was dazzling.

"Hi!" Mulder said quietly.

"Hi," Scully replied.

"Are you hungry?  I've got some soup or some 
tea..."  he offered.

Scully swung her feet off the bed and sat up.  
She was slightly woozy, but no longer in 
danger of going into shock.  She glanced 
toward Mulder to assure him she was much 
better and froze in distress.  He followed her 
eyes down and realized that his shirt her 
blood had soaked during their embrace was lying 
at his feet.  She then looked down and 
realized that someone had removed her ruined 
shirt and bra and cleaned her up, redressing 
her in a pair of Mulder's sweats.

"Mulder, where are my clothes?"

"I gave them to the DCPD.  They're going to do 
DNA testing for evidence."

"Who... Who cleaned me up?"

"Scully, don't you remember anything about 
what happened?"

"I guess I was more out of it than I thought.  
I don't remember anything after you left the 
room.  What happened?"

"The EMTs wanted to take you in for 
observation, but you wouldn't agree.  I came 
back in just as you were arguing with them.  
You seemed to be stabilized.  I convinced them 
that I knew the signs of shock and I would be 
willing to stay with you.  They suggested you 
see your own doctor and at least get another 
EKG to check against the one they gave you.  
It's all written down on the papers over 
there."

"That doesn't explain how I got cleaned up, 
Mulder,"  she was beginning to have a bad 
feeling about this.

"The DCPD wanted to get your statement, but I 
could tell that you were not up to it, so I 
assured them that we would be in tomorrow to 
do it.  They finally agreed when I suggested 
they take in your clothing for the DNA 
testing.  The EMT named Gail was going to help 
you get cleaned up, but they got another 
call."

"And..."

"I had to do something, Scully, so I helped 
you into the bedroom and you crawled under the 
covers and removed your shirt and bra.  I took
them out to the cops and they bagged them and 
left."

"So you brought me a washcloth and I cleaned 
myself up?"

"Not exactly.  By that time, Skinner had 
arrived and I had to give him the details on 
everything and give him your weapon."

"My weapon?  You gave him my gun?  Mulder..."

"You know the rules, Scully.  It's possible 
that you shot and killed the perp and your 
weapon will be needed for evidence."  His eyes 
pleaded with her to understand.

She looked down and nodded her head.  She knew 
the drill.  A picture of past actions, a man's 
body recoiling from the blast of her gun 
flashed through her mind-her weapon taken as 
evidence-the inquiry-the required two weeks 
off.

She lifted her eyes to Mulder's again to let 
him know she understood.

Mulder sighed and ran his right hand through 
his hair.  He hoped she would be as accepting 
with this next part as she was about the gun.

"Well, Mulder, I'm waiting."

"Scully, please.  By the time I got through 
with Skinner and back in here you were..."  
Mulder stopped as if searching for the right 
words.

"You weren't here," he finally blurted.

"Where the hell did I go?  I mean, there's 
only one door out of this room and it's four 
floors up!"  Scully looked at him 
incredulously.

"You were still here on the bed, but you were 
almost catatonic.  You scared the shit out of 
me, Scully!"

Dana Scully felt a wave of nausea and 
dizziness wash over her.  

"I lost it?  Is that what you're telling me?  
I blanked out?"

"Um, yeah.  You were just sitting straight up 
in bed with the covers around your hips.  You 
still had the tee shirt I gave you in your 
hands, but you were just staring off into 
space.  I tried to cover you, but you were so 
cold and stiff, I got scared.  All that blood.  
It was still all over you."

"I'm sorry, Mulder."  Scully lowered her head 
to her hands.  "Then what happened?"

"All I could think of was getting you cleaned 
up and warm so I grabbed a bowl of warm water 
and a washcloth and towel and came back in to 
clean up the blood."

"You...you cleaned up the blood?  You?"  Scully 
was  mortified that she had been so out of it, 
that he was once again pressed into taking 
care of her.

"Scully, Jesus!  You were out of it.  I-all I 
wanted to do was help.  It wasn't sexual... 
personal.  I just wanted to help."  The 
stain of embarrassment that flushed Mulder's 
face made her regret her words.

"I know, Mulder.  I'm sorry.  That's not what 
I thought.  You know I don't like to lose 
control..."  Scully stammered an apology.

Mulder looked down and nodded his head.  
Apology accepted.  

"I tried talking to you-to get you to respond 
to me as I washed you.  I don't know if the 
words or the warm cloth did the most good, but 
you seemed to relax and when I tried to put on 
the sweatshirt you started to help.  Together 
we got the pants on and by that time you were 
cognizant but you fell asleep almost 
immediately."

"Did I say anything at all during all this?"

"Yes."

"What did I say?"

"Stay."

"Stay?  But you were in the other room, 
Mulder," her soft voice sounded almost 
accusatory.

"Scully, that was almost twenty-four hours 
ago.  I stayed with you until this morning, 
but I had to go into work and file the report 
on Padgett.  He's dead.  The DCPD found him in 
the furnace room with his own heart in his 
hand.  I had to stop off and explain why you 
weren't in to file your report and to finish 
the paperwork on Padgett there too."

"You left me alone?"  again the voice was soft 
but full of pain.

"Scully, no!  I called your Mom.  She was here 
all day with you.  She just left a few moments 
ago.  It took a lot out of her seeing you like 
this.  She needed to get home because Bill, 
Tara and Matty are coming for a visit."  
Mulder stepped closer to the bed.  

"I wouldn't leave you alone, Scully.  I 
just had to take care of things and arrange 
for a few days off while you recover."  Mulder 
extended his hand to her.  "Please, Scully, I 
would never leave you unless it was to protect 
you."

"Mulder, I'm sorry."  Scully finally stood by 
the bed for a moment as if to gather her 
strength and then slowly moved toward the 
bathroom giving a wide berth to the bloody 
shirt on the floor.

"I picked up your clothes and some of your 
stuff for you today.  They're in the 
bathroom."

"Thanks, Mulder."  Scully quietly closed the 
bathroom door and left Mulder standing alone 
and scared in his bedroom.

Mulder had trashed the bloody shirt and moved 
to the living room and stood with his back to 
her, looking out the window, when she came out 
of the bathroom.

"I still have some soup, if you want some.  
Your Mom made it.  It smells great."  He 
turned to see if she was interested.


He was surprised to see her fully dressed and 
pulling on her coat, her bags at her feet.

"Mulder, I need to go home.  Thank you for all 
you've done.  I'll call my Mom as soon as I 
get home."  She turned to go.

"Scully!  What are you doing?  You're in no 
shape to drive."  Mulder was shocked by her 
words.

"I need to go home, Mulder.  I can't stay 
here."  She glanced at the floor where he had 
found her and the at the space high above 
their heads where the entry points of a full 
clip of bullets scoured the wall.  "I'll call 
you in a few days."  She turned and left 
before Mulder could respond.

He stood motionless for a few seconds, 
transfixed by the evidence of her struggle.  
When he realized she had gone, he rushed out 
the door to stop her.  He couldn't wait for 
the elevator.  He bolted down the steps and 
out the front door, calling her name.

He could see her taillights as they moved down 
the street and out of his vision.

'What the hell just happened?' he thought.  He 
turned and went back into his building.

*****

Late Evening, April 20, 1999
Dana Scully's Apartment, Georgetown, VA

*****

Dana Scully was running.  She would have 
denied it vehemently to Mulder, but she was 
willing to admit it to herself.  Running as 
fast as she could.  When she reached her 
apartment, she called her mother immediately.

"Of course I'm sure, Mom.  Would Mulder let me 
out of his sight if I weren't fine?" was the 
final argument that ended the debate over her 
being alone.

After assuring her mother she would call her 
soon, she hung up and immediately switched on 
her answering machine, turning the sound off.  
She then turned off her cell phone and 
systematically unplugged every other phone in 
her home.

She walked from window to door, checking all 
the locks, slipping the deadbolt lock and 
chain lock on her front door as well as her 
usual key lock.

She moved to her bathroom and turned on the 
water in the shower.  She really wanted a 
bath, but refused to get into the tub only to 
find the water turning pink from leftover 
blood.

When she finally felt clean, she realized she 
didn't have the strength to take a bath now.  
She was mildly hungry and realized she was 
sorry she hadn't had some of the soup Mulder 
had offered her.  She searched her kitchen for 
something to eat, but nothing caught her 
interest.  She finally settled for a glass of 
orange juice.

She realized that even though she had been 
sleeping for almost twenty-four hours, she was 
tired.  She made one more trip around the 
apartment to make sure everything was secure 
and went to bed.

As she lay in the dark, the events of the past 
several days crashed down on her.  Padgett 
stalking her, claiming to know her, only to 
write of her death in his book.  The killer 
looming over her, his strong, cold fingers 
digging and tearing toward her heart, her 
blood flowing from the opening he made.  
Mulder holding her, clasping her to him, 
crying with her.  All these things she could 
get over.  Padgett was dead, the killer gone, 
Mulder was...Mulder.

All these things she could get over, she could 
explain away, she could forgive if not forget.

She could not forgive herself for "loosing 
it".  She had weakened.  She had let her 
emotions break her down and had lost touch 
with reality.  She always prided herself on 
her control.  So much of her personal self-
respect depended on her ability to control her 
emotions and thus her response to her 
environment.

She had weakened.  She had escaped into 
herself and thus had become a danger to 
herself and to those around her.  What if she 
froze in the field?  What would she do if she 
endangered another agent or a victim?  What if 
she put Mulder in danger by her actions?  What 
if he realized how weak she had become and 
left her.  What would she do?

Around and around her thoughts swam, sleep 
eluding her until almost daylight.

As the sky turned from black to gray, she came 
to her decision.  She rose from her bed and 
moved to turn on her laptop.  As she passed 
her phone she noted she had 24 new messages.  
Mulder.

She e-mailed her request for transfer to AD 
Skinner, requesting a post in Forensics, 
Pathology or a teaching position at Quantico 
at the end of her leave.  She sent a copy to 
Mulder's mailbox and powered down her computer 
without checking her own e-mail.

She slowly walked to her bedroom, unaware of 
the tears flowing down her face.

It was over.  What Spender and the Consortium 
could not do, she had done by her own 
reactions.  She couldn't trust herself not to 
be a danger to her partner anymore.  Padgett 
had achieved what others had failed.

Scully and Mulder were no longer partners.  
Her fight for the truth was over.

*****

Late Evening, April 20, 1999
Fox Mulder's Apartment, Alexandria, Virginia

*****
 
Mulder had gone from puzzled to furious in the 
hours following Scully's departure.  She had 
obviously turned off her cell phone and was 
screening her calls.  He didn't want to call 
Maggie at this time of night-he had worried 
her enough in the past twenty-four hours.  His 
gut feeling was that Scully wouldn't see him 
if he went to her apartment.  He was getting a 
bad feeling about this.

He showered and tried to get some sleep, but 
wasn't able to stop thinking.

Scully was upset because she lost it.  Who 
wouldn't be upset if they had been the victim 
of a stalker and a serial killer in the space 
of a week?

Padgett claimed to know her.  So much of what 
he had written in his book could have been 
true.  Did he really know her?  He wanted 
Scully, who wouldn't?

Padgett wanted her.  He thought he knew 
Scully, but Mulder knew he was wrong.  Padgett 
wanted what he thought he saw.  He wanted her 
for her beauty.  He wanted her self-possession 
and will to be bent to fulfill his desire, his 
plot.  He tried to take her heart-one way or 
another.

She was so much more than just beauty.  Her 
soul, her mind and her courage made her the 
person Mulder had come to know and love.  He 
wanted her heart, but only if freely given.  

Padgett had stalked her for only a few months 
and felt he knew her well. 

Mulder had been partners with Scully for 
almost seven years and still felt he had only 
scraped the surface.  But with one sentence, 
Padgett had cast him into a sea of doubt.

"Agent Scully is already in love."

Mulder knew Scully had grown to love him 
during their partnership.  But how did she 
love him?  As a partner?  A pseudo brother?  
He had dreams of wooing 'the enigmatic Dr. 
Scully'  to return his love-to be 'in' love 
with him as he was in love with her.  But he 
knew nothing he could do now or in the future 
would influence Scully to change her heart.  
She loved or she did not.  She loved him as a 
partner or not.  She would be 'in love' with 
him or not.

Who did Agent Scully love?  Sometimes he felt 
so close to her, could feel her love surround 
him for a moment, an instant.  Other times she 
held him off with a fond but distant demeanor 
that drove him crazy.  He sensed that there 
was something in her past that hurt her badly 
enough to initiate the icy facade that she 
projected to others. 

Who did Scully love?  The question burned his 
mind with a relentless heat that would not, 
could not be answered by any one but Scully.  
And Scully wasn't talking.  He would go to her 
tomorrow.  He needed to know what she was 
thinking.

Who did Agent Scully love?


End part 8 of 15 - Still with me folks?


Title:    What Might Have Been Part 9 of 15
          FatCat (FatCat926@msn.com)

*****

Mid-Morning, April 21, 1999
Dana Scully's Apartment, Georgetown, Virginia

*****

Scully woke around 10:00am with a feeling of 
dread.  Mulder would show up any time now and
she didn't feel strong enough to face him.

She decided she would go to her mother's house 
to stay for a few days.  She knew he wouldn't 
make a scene there.  He loved her mom almost as
much as she did.  But there was the rub.  She
didn't want to drag her mother into this, 
especially this week while Bill, Tara, and 
Matthew were visiting, but she needed to be 
near her mother.  She called and told her 
mother she was coming to spend a few days with 
her.  She was crying before the conversation 
was over.  

She needed to get in control of herself.  She 
needed to think.  She needed to regroup, 
gather strength before facing Mulder.  The 
only place she could think of was the safety 
of home-even with Bill in the picture.

She was galvanized into action.  She quickly 
repacked her emergency bag, throwing in more 
casual clothes and shoes.  She grabbed her 
laptop and her purse, rushed to the door and 
right into Mulder.

He was standing with his hand up to knock and 
was as surprised to see her as she was to see 
him.  Her only hope was that he hadn't seen 
her transfer request.

"Going somewhere, Agent Scully?" ended her 
final hope.  The anger and pain in his voice 
was almost palatable.

She closed her eyes to gather her strength.  
Stepping back to allow him to enter, she 
accepted that she had to do this now.  

Mulder strode into her apartment and spun to 
make sure she wasn't slipping out the door.  
He wanted answers and he wanted them now.

For a moment, they stood there facing one 
another without speaking.  Neither seemed to 
know how to begin.  For once Mulder was at a 
loss for words.  Scully, never forthcoming, or 
good at verbally expressing her feelings, was 
incapable of beginning.  Mulder heaved a huge 
sigh and turned toward the couch.  

"May we sit down at least?" he asked.

A short nod of her head and a slow step toward 
the couch was her reply.

She sat at one end, expecting him to settle 
against the other arm.  Instead he moved into 
her personal space and sat on the coffee table 
in front of her.

He buried his face in his hands and tried to 
gather his thoughts.  He knew his future hung 
in the balance.  Either he would live with 
hope for the future or he would simply, 
possibly, live.

Lifting his head to stare into her eyes he 
said "I got the copy of your e-mail to 
Skinner.  I told him to disregard it until you 
brought it to him in person."

"Mulder, you had no right..." Scully interrupted 
him.
"No!  NO!  You had no right to request a 
transfer without talking to me first."

"I beg your pardon?  I have every right to 
decide what I'm going to do with my life.  
It's my life, Mulder!"

"NO!  It's not just your life any more Scully.  
You told me that after Philadelphia and I 
allowed it like a fool.  It's my life too!  
You're my partner!  Scully, doesn't that mean 
anything to you?"  Anger flashed across his 
face for a moment.

He quickly schooled his features to a calm 
mask.  He realized she would not respond to 
anger right now.  She had her feelings too 
tightly buttoned down to allow herself to 
respond emotionally.  He would use logic.

"Scully," he said calmly.  "You have been 
through so much in the last few years.  You've 
lost your father, your sister, you've been 
abducted, fought cancer, found and lost your 
daughter, and been shot, but you've always 
bounced back with remarkable stamina.  You've 
never allowed the pain and craziness to drive 
you away-you've worked it out over time.  
Hell, you even stuck it out through my blind 
acceptance of Diana's credibility."  Mulder 
drew a shaky breath.

"You, Scully, were able to keep a cool head 
and save the day.  Why now?  Why now have you 
decided you can't go on?  What's so different 
about Padgett?"  Mulder's eyes searched her 
face for a clue to her mindset.  It  was like 
trying to read a blank page.

Scully looked down at her hands.  She was at a 
loss for words.  What was so different about 
Padgett?  Was he any more outside of normal 
than a hundred others they had investigated 
over their partnership?  After all, if you 
looked objectively at the entire situation, 
Padgett was only a sad, lonely man who had 
stalked her and tried to force her to his 
will.  It happened to many people-Julia 
Roberts, Sharon Stone, even that so-called 
comedian, Dave Letterman.  The only difference 
was that along with Padgett, they had had to 
deal with a psychic surgeon/killer.
 
Within her line of vision she saw Mulder's 
hands slowly move to touch hers.  She closed 
her eyes and allowed the touch, aching as she 
realized that it would be one of the last she 
would ever receive from him.  She had to break 
this off now, terminate the partnership!  She 
couldn't put him in danger through her 
actions!  He would die or leave her and she 
didn't know if she could survive one more 
desertion-no matter what the reason.  He would 
leave, like all the others.  It was better for 
her to transfer now.

It was also better for her to admit her 
failure and help him accept her transfer than 
to allow him to batter her resolve until she 
once again agreed to stay.  She gently 
disengaged her hands from his and rose from 
the couch.

"Mulder, I froze.  When the killer attacked 
me,  Yes, at first I fought, but then I froze, 
I blanked out.  When the paramedics were 
working on me, I blanked out again.  Mulder, 
I've lost it.  I lost a whole day.  I can't be 
trusted to work in the field any more.  I-you-
have to try to understand.  I am doing what I 
think is best.  Best for you, best for me, 
best for the FBI.  If you won't accept that I 
know what I'm doing, I'll have to take 
stronger action."

"Stronger action, Scully?"  Mulder jibed.  
'Stronger than tearing my life apart?' he 
thought.  'Stronger than killing me?'

"I'll have to resign," she said with quiet 
determination.

Mulder was stunned.  Never in his wildest 
dreams did he think that the situation would 
escalate to this point.  He couldn't believe 
that her entire decision was based on her 
physical reaction to the attack.  She had been 
in shock!  That was all.

He tried to stand, to go to her, but the 
impact of her statement had profoundly 
affected him.  Mulder was suddenly so light 
headed he staggered as he rose.  He was 
grateful that he was able to reach the far end 
of the couch instead of hitting the floor.

Scully noticed his color and his weakness and 
rushed to get him a glass of water.  While she 
was gone, Mulder's mind was running a thousand 
miles a minute.

'Why?' his thoughts repeated over and over.  
And suddenly out of the darkness of his mind 
came an answer.

"Agent Scully is already in love."

His guilt over past injuries and pain spiraled 
down to a single pinpoint of truth. He had his 
answer.

'Oh, God!  Padgett was right!  Scully is in 
love with someone.  Someone else.  She had 
realized it with this case.  She was afraid 
she was going to lose her chance with her new 
love and was acting on her need to distance 
herself from him and the danger that 
surrounded him.  She needs to be released from 
my overwhelming dependence on her.'  Mulder 
thought.

She gave him the water to drink.  Her cool 
hand was on the back of his neck.  When he 
swayed once again it was actually into the 
touch of her hand, but she thought he was 
still ill and pushed his head toward his 
knees.  Mulder wondered idly how he would live 
without her touch.

Mulder gathered his strength and his pride.  
The sick, woozy feeling began to pass.  She 
wouldn't see him grovel.  He would let her go 
to him-whoever he was.  He loved her enough to 
want her happiness.  He would be strong enough 
to let her go.  He owed her everything, she 
owed him nothing.

Scully's heart was breaking.  She could see 
him gather his resolve and accept her wishes.  
Somewhere in the back of her mind she 
acknowledged that she wanted him to fight her-
fight for her-and to win.  She wanted to be 
with him forever, but couldn't bear to take 
the chance that he would eventually leave.  
She moved away from him.

The loss of her heat, her touch, was like 
being plunged back into the Antarctic 
nightmare again.  Cold washed over him and 
galvanized him to action.  He rose to his feet 
quickly.  With action came anger-and the need 
to know the truth.

"Who is he, Scully?"  Mulder spit out.

"What?"  

"Who are you leaving me and the X Files for?  
Who is he?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, 
Mulder."  Scully, wrapped in her own personal 
hell of loss, wasn't following his reasoning.

Mulder was suddenly overcome with blinding 
anger at her pretense of innocence.  She had 
never lied to him before.  He wouldn't allow 
it now.

"Padgett," he growled.  "He knew!  'Agent 
Scully is already in love,'  Who?  Is?  He?"  
As he spoke he swiftly stood and grabbed her 
by her upper arms as if to shake her, yet his 
grasp was gentle.

His anger and use of his overwhelming size 
surprised her.  Mulder had rarely tried to 
intimidate her physically during the years of 
their partnership.  She realized his sudden 
"caveman" attitude both irritated and excited 
her.  She pushed away from him and walked 
toward the door.  She couldn't remain strong 
if he continued to touch her.

"I don't know what you're talking about 
Mulder.  I've told you my reason for 
requesting a transfer.  I'll stop by and 
deliver the paperwork, in writing, to Skinner 
tomorrow."  Turning away from him, she moved 
as if to open the door for his exit.

Mulder knew she was lying.  Anger and pain 
from rejection made him do something he swore 
he would never do.  Growing up, watching his 
father and mother's bitter confrontations, he 
had been on the receiving end of too much 
displaced aggression and violence in the past.  
He swore he would never use his strength to 
intimidate someone smaller, someone he loved.  
No matter how angry he was, he would not 
strike out in anger, not seek to overpower, 
and never in any way inflict fear or pain in 
future relationships.

She never heard him coming.  In two long 
strides he was at her side.  His bellow of 
rage did as much to disarm her as did his 
strong arms as they wrapped her and lifted her 
from her feet.  His headlong plunge down the 
hall to her bedroom continued.  He realized he 
had the element of surprise on his side for 
only so long and did not want to risk Scully 
escaping his grasp.  He didn't want to hurt 
her, he wanted to trap her and make her tell 
him the truth!

'Who does Scully love?' screamed through his 
mind.

Scully found herself stunned by Mulder's 
actions.  She could only breath shallowly and 
found herself becoming weaker as her partner 
continued down the hall and deposited her flat 
on her back on the bed.  The rough toss caused 
the balance of her breath to rush from her 
thus making her incapable of speech.

"Come on, Scully!"  he growled.  "Who is it?  
Is it Skinner?  Do you need to get out from 
under his supervision before you can be open 
with your relationship?"  At the wild shake of 
her head he tried again.  

"Not Skinner?  Who?  A nice normal doctor?  
Where did you meet him?  Was it at that 
pathologist's convention you went to last 
month?  When have you had time to see him?  
Jesus, Scully!  I want some answers here!"

Mulder loomed over the bed daring her to move.  
Scully's Irish temper decided to take this 
opportunity to show up.

"What in the hell are you doing, Mulder?  What 
are you talking about?" she hissed at him.

"Agent Scully's already in love!"  Mulder 
snarled.  "Padgett knew!  He knew!  How could 
I be so blind, when even that psycho could 
see?  Does everyone know?  How about the 
Gunmen?  do they know?  Am I the last one to 
find out?  One last time, Scully!  Who?  Is?  
He?"

The red flush that covered Scully's face and 
neck should have warned him she had reached 
the end of her patience.  She glared up 
defiantly at him.

"Mulder, you have one minute to vacate my 
apartment, or I'm going to bring you up on 
charges-that is if you survive after I shoot 
you again."  As she spoke, Scully reached 
under her pillow and pulled out the spare 
weapon she had slid under there last night.  
She released the safety and brought it up to 
aim.

Blind rage was Mulder's only reaction.  He 
swiped the gun from her hands as if it were a 
child's toy.  He popped the clip and tossed it 
and the gun in different corners of the room.  
His eyes darkened and he pounced on her.

She was ready for him.  She swiftly brought 
all her training into play, but Mulder had the 
temporary insanity of anger and jealousy on 
his side.  Every movement of her arms, knees, 
legs and feet was met and negated.  Mulder's 
body covered hers as she had dreamed of so 
many times, but this was not passion-this was 
control.

She struggled until she was incapable of 
movement.  During the entire skirmish Mulder 
made no sounds except grunts of pain when she 
was able to land a blow.  Not once did he 
raise a hand to hurt her.  He only seemed 
interested in immobilizing her.  She closed 
her eyes and finally ceased her struggles.  
Let him do as he would.  She could kill him 
later.

Mulder felt her surrender with more relief 
than he believed possible.  He didn't want to 
hurt her; he didn't want to be hurt.  Even 
though his anger was cooling, he wanted the 
truth.

He looked at Scully's face and saw that she 
was far from vanquished.  Her blue eyes were 
closed to his gaze.  Her long lashes brushed 
her pale cheeks, the red flush of anger having 
faded somewhat.  Her mouth was open slightly, 
lips red and inviting.  His eyes swept down 
her neck to the pulse that throbbed at the 
joint of her neck and shoulder.

Down, down farther he slid into contemplation 
of Scully.  Her top two buttons on her shirt 
had come undone and he could see a creamy 
expanse of her breasts covered in black lace.  
'Damn!  Why did it have to be black?'  He 
forced his eyes away and once again was caught 
by the throb of her pulse.

He lowered his mouth to her throat without 
thinking.  His lips parted and he slid his 
tongue across the flutter of her pulse point.  
He realized what he was doing and made the 
mistake of breathing in deeply.  Scully's 
scent filled his mind-sweet, yet spicy.

He lowered his mouth to her neck again and 
began to place hot, open-mouthed kisses on her 
neck.  With each inhale he increased the 
suction until he was marking her as if she 
were his to keep.  

A need he had sublimated for over six years 
rose up and almost overwhelmed his body.  He 
needed her, wanted her.  But she had chosen 
someone else.  He loved her and wanted her, 
but not like this-not against her will.  So 
close, but never meant to be.  As his anger 
abated, he realized he had lost and his 
actions were only going to hurt her.

Mulder felt Scully begin to move again.  She 
was not struggling against him.  She was 
arching her neck, giving him better access.  
As he realized his defeat and his kisses 
ceased, she seemed to shrink back into the 
bed.

Mulder dropped his head into the cloud of 
Scully's hair above her shoulder.  His mouth 
automatically formed a kiss that brushed her 
ear.  He breathed deeply, cementing into his 
eidetic memory the taste and smell and feel of 
Scully for a moment.  The overwhelming guilt 
of what he had done and had almost done washed 
over him.  He thrust himself off her to lie 
spread-eagle next to her on the bed.  Let her 
do as she would, he deserved any punishment 
she deemed fit.  He wouldn't fight any more.  
He didn't have the heart.

Released from the sweet prison of his body, 
Scully curled onto her side away from Mulder.  
She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped 
her arms around them.  She ducked her face 
into the dark space created by the wrap of her 
arms.  She tried to calm her breathing but 
found that she could only gulp in huge lungs 
full of oxygen as a prelude to releasing them 
in great shaking sobs.

'What the hell just happened?'  ran through 
her mind.  'First Mulder manhandles her to the 
bed demanding to know who she loves, starts 
seducing her with his beautiful mouth and 
body, then flops off her like a dead fish.'  
As her sobs slowed her anger grew again; 
slight movements to her left made her realize 
that Mulder was just now rising from the bed.

"What are you still doing here, Mulder?" she 
said wearily.

"Scully, I'll leave.  I won't touch you again 
and I'll get out of your life forever, but 
please tell me who it is you love."  Mulder 
was begging.  If his life with her was over, 
he had to know why.  He had to know she would 
be safe and happy.  He sat next to her waiting 
for her reply.

Dana Scully turned on the bed and stared at 
his profile.  Could he be so fucking clueless?  
He was leaving her and he still had to hear 
her say it out loud.  His relentless pursuit 
of the truth was nothing compared to his 
single-minded destruction of her life-her 
pride.

Near capitulation but trying to hold onto a 
single scrap of pride she had to ask, "Why do 
you need to know who I love, Mulder?"

Mulder turned to stare down into her blue-sky 
eyes.  "It will make your transfer easier to 
live with," was all he would say.

Scully rolled back to her right side again.  
She would tell him, but she didn't want to see 
the triumph in his eyes when she did.

"Padgett knew, didn't he, Scully?  Who is it?"  
Mulder's voice came softer, almost like a 
lover's.

Scully began to cry softly again.  The pain of 
separation was more than she could bear.  Her 
soft reply was muffled by her sobs.

"You, Mulder.  I love you."  The soft words 
fell into the silence between them.

Suddenly, Mulder's bitter laughter filled the 
air.  He thought she couldn't hurt him any 
more-thought that his heart had been ripped
out and yet she managed to wound again.  
Phoebe should have taken lessons from her!

"Right, Scully!  You love me so much you've 
asked for a transfer-you're leaving me!"  
Mulder surged up off the bed pacing in a tight 
circle.  How dare she try to placate him?

He stopped and tried again, "I know you love 
me, Scully, but who are you 'IN' love with?  
How could you love him enough to leave me-to 
leave us-to leave our work?"

"I have to leave first, Mulder.  I have to let 
go before you...it destroys me.  I can't keep up 
with this life until you leave me or you die, 
I don't think I could survive it.  This way, I 
don't put you in danger, you can request a new 
partner to work on the X Files and I have a 
chance of keeping my sanity."

"What about my sanity, Scully?"  Did he dare 
say more?  What if he just said the rest 
straight out?  'How am I supposed to carry on 
without you?  I almost didn't make it when you 
were taken from me before.  You were just my 
partner, my best friend then.  I didn't even 
realize how much I loved you until you were 
returned.'  Would she believe him?

Mulder's mind raced from thought to thought.  
He couldn't think with her so close.  He could 
smell her, still had the taste of her on his 
lips, and most distracting of all, he could 
see her lying on her bed.  He turned and 
walked to the living room, trying to put 
enough distance between them to allow him to 
think, but not enough to allow her to 
disappear.

'Agent Scully loves Agent Mulder.' he thought.  
'Could this be true?  Shouldn't that 
revelation make both of them happier?  How 
could he be happy if she was leaving?  Why was 
she leaving?'  He needed to sort this out. 

The sound of her quiet sobbing no longer 
penetrated his consciousness.  Mulder stood in 
front of the window, watching the traffic and 
willing his brain to go into the free-floating 
stage that enabled him to made the leaps of 
logic associated with his incredible profiling 
skills.  Damn, he need to run, swim, a little 
game of one on one to easily slip into the 
disassociation of mind and body that allowed 
him to do his best work, but he did not dare 
leave her.  Slowly he felt his mind slide into 
hyper drive as his physical self stared at the 
flow of life passing by.

He replayed their conversation, this time 
concentrating on the exact words of her 
statements.  He began to see a pattern in her 
logic, but it was elusive.  His own anger and 
hurt kept popping up to refute her statements.  
He made a conscious decision to remove his 
feelings from the equation.  

He once again ran through the entire 
conversation and came to the conclusion that 
Scully was telling the truth about who she 
loved.  She was also telling the truth about 
the transfer.  If he fought her on this point, 
she would resign.

'She loves me!' he found himself grinning.  
'She's still leaving' and again he was 
frowning.

Once again he ran her statements through his 
mind, point by point.

Scully stated that she's lost it because she 
froze during the attack.

She stated that the lost time after the attack 
proves that she cannot be trusted in a stress 
situation.

Scully stated that she would not put me, a 
victim, or any other agents in danger due to 
her inability to keep it together in a stress 
situation.

She stated that she could not bear to lose me 
to death.

Scully stated that I would leave her when I 
realized that she had lost her edge.

She stated that she loves me.

Point by point he considered her statements.  
He arranged them in his mind like pictures 
taken at a crime scene, then rearranged them 
again and again.  In order stated first, then 
order of importance, then true and false 
order.  Mulder then began to pick apart each 
statement, going over her facial expressions, 
her body language, and her tone of delivery.  
Over and over he ran the evidence through his 
mind until one fact kept coming to the fore.

She was afraid he would leave her. 

"I have to leave first, Mulder.  I have to let 
go before you...it destroys me.  I can't keep up 
with this life until you leave me or you die, 
I don't think I could survive it." 

It was like a switch on a floodlight being 
thrown.  Scully was afraid that he would leave 
her!  She had to leave first to protect her 
heart-to keep her walls strong.  Suddenly 
Mulder was certain that the key to Scully's 
entire life was in his hands.

Scully had to have abandonment issues that 
went as far back as she could remember.  Her 
father was an officer in the Navy.  That would 
mean months at sea.  Surely that couldn't be 
the only reason she had locked her heart up so 
tight, could it?  There had to be more.  There 
had to be other perceived instances of 
abandonment that kept her from allowing 
herself to trust others with her heart, to 
trust love freely.

But there had to be even more than this at 
play.  Scully was strong, damnit!  She had 
held herself together through all the horror 
that had been thrown at her for years.  She 
had maintained her equilibrium throughout 
their partnership, hanging tough, keeping her 
walls sturdy and strong.  What would break her 
now? 

Mulder felt the niggling of a thought, just 
outside his consciousness.  He realized that 
something in his eidetic memory was trying to 
surface, something that would provide the 
final part of this puzzle.  He once again 
allowed his thoughts to slip into free fall.  

After a few moments it came to him.  Of 
course!  The case that they had been assigned 
last month.  It wasn't supposed to be an X 
File, just an odd missing persons case.  Six 
women-wives and mothers-from a quaint little 
community in northwestern Ohio, near Toledo.  
What was the name of the village?  Oh yeah, 
Waterville, Ohio.  Six women had disappeared 
from their homes in the middle of the night 
without a trace.  

When Mulder and Scully had been assigned this 
case, he had been livid.  This was a case for 
Missing Persons, not them, but Skinner had 
insisted that they handle it.  Mulder was 
resentful until arriving in Waterville, and 
beginning the investigation.  

The case became more bizarre as they delved 
into the facts.  There did not seem to be any 
violence involved.  None of the husbands had a 
clue as to why their wives would leave.  Each 
husband thought their marriage was sound.  The 
children were as devastated as their fathers.  
None of them seemed to be aware of any 
parental unrest.  Neighbors and friends swore 
that there wasn't a clue as to problems within 
the marriage.  The women were all stay-at-home 
moms or if employed, only worked part time.

Mulder and Scully dug deeper into the dynamics 
of each relationship and did discover that 
each family had a new source of stress.  This 
at first seemed to be a major clue until 
Scully pointed out that each family had a 
different point of stress.  One had an aged 
parent develop Alzheimer's disease.  One had 
just had their credit identity hijacked and 
was fighting to remain solvent.  One had just 
discovered that their youngest child had 
developed leukemia.  And on it went.  Not one 
related stressor in the group.

Mulder was ready to rename this as an X File 
abduction case when Scully identified the 
piece of evidence that was the common 
denominator.  Each family had received a DVD 
sample of a new children's show.  Because the 
DVD was highly entertaining to the children, 
each household had played the DVD extensively, 
exposing the mothers who were home with the 
children to multiple viewings a day.  The 
households that reported the most viewings 
were the ones where the women disappeared from 
first.

Scully had confiscated the DVDs and watched 
one several times, trying to identify how this 
could affect the women so profoundly they 
would leave their homes.  They had sent the 
other 5 to the lab in DC to be tested for 
subliminal messages.  They had also asked 
Missing Persons to track down any clues as to 
the whereabouts of the missing women.

All the women were found, safe and sound in 
various parts of the country.  They had taken 
refuge with relatives and friends when they 
left.  The connection to the mysterious DVDs 
was never proven.  

As soon as the women had been found, Skinner 
pulled Mulder and Scully from the case, 
claiming they were needed for an X File case 
in New Mexico.

Mulder and Scully had reported to New Mexico 
for the case, that turned out to be bogus, but 
quietly continued to research the Ohio case.  
According to the postmaster in Waterville, 
there had only been six of the DVDs delivered.  
When tracing the shipper on the DVDs they ran 
into a brick wall.  No evidence of any company 
soliciting feedback existed.

By the time they got back to Washington, they 
knew they had uncovered another of the shadow 
government's insidious experiments.  All of 
the five of the DVDs had mysteriously 
disappeared from the Lab in Washington.  The 
sixth disc had been stolen along with Scully's 
lap top at Dallas-Fort Worth airport.  All 
hard evidence of testing disappeared with the 
discs.

Both Mulder and Scully recognized how similar 
the case was to the cable tampering case they 
had followed earlier in their partnership.  
While they were both relieved that this case 
did not end with one of them pointing a gun at 
the other, they were furious that "They" had 
won again.  

Mulder had been grateful that Scully didn't 
seem to be affected by the DVD, but now he 
wasn't so sure that was still the truth.  As 
he ruminated over the case and the effect the 
DVD had on each woman, he realized how similar 
Scully's reaction was to theirs.  Mulder was 
just paranoid enough to believe that they had 
been assigned the case just so that Scully 
would be exposed to the subliminal messages of 
the DVD.  The stress of the Padgett case had 
been the catalyst that allowed her 
insecurities and abandonment issues to 
overwhelm her-driving her to request this 
transfer and giving their enemies what they 
wanted all along-the dissolution of their 
partnership.

If he wasn't able to make her see that this 
case was connected to her response to the 
whole Padgett case, he would lose her.  He 
made a mental note to follow up on the six 
families and find out how things had worked 
out.  He sincerely hoped all the women had 
returned to their families.  He knew 
personally the depth of despair that the 
husbands felt at the loss of their spouses.  
If Scully left, his life, as he knew it, would 
be over.

He had to make her see that this was a 
response to stress warped by the exposure to 
the DVD.  He also felt that until she faced 
her past fears, they couldn't fight the 
subliminal messages the DVD had inserted into 
her brain.  He had to get through to her-to 
make her work through the pain of her past, or 
no matter how much she loved him, their 
relationship  and their partnership would be 
over.

Mulder logically moved to identify the best 
way to confront this problem.  Ideally, Scully 
should work this out with a qualified 
counselor.  He knew she had a therapist that 
she was seeing on a semi-regular basis, but 
there was no time to contact her therapist and 
wait for an appointment.  They needed to 
settle this now.  He had to convince her to 
work through it now.  Mulder realized he had 
to be the one to help her.  But how to handle 
all this?

End Part 9 of 15


Title:    What Might Have Been Part 10 of 15
          FatCat (FatCat926@msn.com)

*****

Mid-Morning, April 21, 1999
Dana Scully's Apartment, Georgetown, Virginia

*****

Mulder logically moved to identify the best 
way to confront this problem.  Ideally, Scully 
should work this out with a qualified 
counselor.  He knew she had a therapist that 
she was seeing on a semi-regular basis, but 
there was no time to contact her therapist and 
wait for an appointment.  They needed to 
settle this now.  He had to convince her to 
work through it now.  Mulder realized he had 
to be the one to help her.  But how to handle 
all this?

The head-on, emotional approach hadn't been 
too successful so far, maybe he needed to try 
something subtler, even logical.  The only 
problem was he didn't seem to have a subtle 
bone in his body when it came to Scully.  He 
had always been direct and truthful with her 
professionally but, on a personal front, 
adhered to total avoidance of emotional 
declarations utilizing humor and innuendo to 
camouflage his feelings.

On the other hand, if it meant he could save 
their partnership and their future together, 
he would learn to be subtle and/or logical or 
die trying.

Mulder went in to the kitchen and started 
heating water for tea.  He laid out the milk 
and sugar on a tray Scully had used when 
making tea for him before and preheated the 
teapot with hot water.  He dug some shortbread 
cookies out of the freezer and placed them on 
a small decorative plate Scully loved.  The 
water came to a boil he dumped the preheating 
water in the teapot and poured the boiling 
water over the tea bags.  When the tea in the 
teapot was almost done steeping, he picked up 
the tray and moved to the door of her bedroom, 
quietly standing just inside the room.  Scully 
was lying on the bed watching him.

"Are you okay?" he softly asked.

Scully nodded her head but did not speak.

"I made some tea for us.  Would you like to 
have it in here or out in the living room?"  
Mulder kept her choices limited to the two 
rooms he wanted.

Even though she refused to speak, she slid to 
the side of the bed and moved toward him, 
stopping a few steps away.  Mulder accepted 
her need to adjourn to the living room and 
preceded her out of the bedroom.

Mulder poured her a cup of tea and added the 
milk and sugar to her taste.  He handed her 
the cup and saucer then passed the plate of 
shortbread to her.  He was surprised when she 
actually took a cookies to eat.  It signaled a 
return of strength that warmed Mulder.

"Scully, we need to talk.  I want you to 
listen to me-really listen before you dismiss 
my theories.  Then you need to talk and I'll 
listen.  I'll listen to anything you need to 
say.  Does this sound okay?"

"You aren't going to change my mind, Mulder."  
Scully's voice was quiet but firm.

"I'm not going to try to change your mind, 
Scully.  I want us to be totally open with 
each other and try to understand what just 
happened and why.  Please, Scully, I need 
this, and I think you do too."

She was quiet for a few moments, weighing his 
words.  Her decision to ask for a transfer was 
going to destroy her life, perhaps she did 
need to discuss this further with Mulder in 
order to bring it to a logical ending.

She nodded her head and said, "All right, 
Mulder.  Let's talk."

Mulder began stirring his tea as he 
contemplated how to begin the conversation.  
He was surprised when Scully began talking 
again.

"Mulder, I want you to know I made this 
decision because I am only concerned for the 
safety of others.  A field agent that cannot 
be trusted not to fold under stress should not 
be in the mainstream of field investigations.  
It has nothing to do with me not wanting to be 
your partner.  I have loved working with you.  
You are the best agent I have ever known."  
She raised her eyes to his, willing him to 
believe the truth of her words.

"Scully, you are the best agent the FBI has 
ever had.  I take the praise you give as the 
highest compliment.  I want you to know that 
right from the start."  Mulder hesitated,  
"Next, I have to apologize for my actions 
earlier.  I have never wanted to hurt you, 
Scully, and it shames me that I could resort 
to physical intimidation in any aspect of my 
relationship with you.  I only hope that you 
can forgive me.  It won't happen again."  
Mulder prayed she would recognize the 
sincerity of his statement.  Scully slowly 
nodded and the pain in his heart gradually 
began to dissolve.

"I have some thoughts you need to hear before 
you make any further decisions."  And so it 
began.

For the next two hours Mulder talked and 
Scully listened.  She inserted questions along 
the way that encouraged Mulder, allowing him 
to believe that she accepted his statements as 
plausible.

"So what you are saying is that the DVDs from 
the case we had in Ohio had subliminal 
messages that magnified the insecurities of 
the women exposed to them to such a point that 
they were willing to run away from their 
homes?  They left their husbands and children 
for what?  What was the reasoning behind it, 
Mulder?  What would cause them to leave 
everything they loved?"

"I don't know, Scully.  We weren't allowed to 
interview the women, remember?  But, if I had 
to hazard a guess, I would bet that if 
questioned, each one of them would be able to 
identify a reason, very similar to yours.  
Insecurity, childhood trauma, rebellion over 
too much responsibility, dissatisfaction with 
staying home.  Who knows without speaking to 
them directly?  The added stresses in their 
lives just became too much and they bolted.  I 
want to try to contact them Monday and follow 
up.  Maybe we can see a pattern then."

They were both drained by the time their 
discussion stumbled to a halt.

"Mulder, I can't think any more.  It's past 
lunch time and I'm hungry and tired.  I need 
to..."  Scully began.

"How about we order out?  I could really use 
something more substantial than cookies and 
tea right about now."  Mulder tried to keep it 
light.

Scully considered his offer for a moment and 
then agreed.  "If we're going to talk more, I 
need food.  How does Chinese sound to you?"

Mulder silently let go of the breath he had 
been holding.  She wasn't kicking him out.  
Maybe they would come out of this okay after 
all.

*****

Mid-Afternoon, April 21, 1999
Dana Scully's Apartment, Georgetown, Virginia 

*****

They finished their lunch silently.  Mulder 
felt Scully's eyes on him occasionally, but 
when he checked she was looking away.

Scully was completely blown away by Mulder's 
actions during the past few hours.  He had 
never been anything but respectful with her in 
the past.  His use of his size and physical 
strength surprised, scared and excited her in 
equal proportions.

She found herself mentally egging him on when 
he began to kiss her neck.  She wanted him to 
take the decision away from her, to overpower 
her and destroy her reluctance to escalate 
their relationship with his hands and his 
mouth and his long, hot, sexy body.  It wasn't 
that she didn't want him, she just couldn't 
make the conscious decision to approach him.  

Scully knew her response to the Padgett case, 
her fear about the loss of time, her need to 
run from Mulder, was not rational.  She feared 
at first she was going crazy.  The negative 
thoughts that rolled through her brain were 
overwhelming.  But while her own mind was 
urging her to run, to transfer or to quit, her 
heart was telling her to listen to Mulder.  As 
crazy as his theories could be sometimes, they 
usually proved to be truer than any rational, 
scientific theories she came up with.

As Mulder finished, she realized she needed 
time to consider his conjecture.  The break 
for food allowed her the time to think.  
During the meal she found herself caressing 
Mulder with her eyes.  She wanted him in so 
many ways, but was resigned to remain his 
partner and his friend.  Could his ideas help 
maintain at least that relationship?  As the 
meal was finished, she decided she needed to 
discuss this with him further.

Her quiet voice broke through the silence.  
"You think I have...issues...that are being 
unleashed, triggered by the subliminal 
messages on the DVD from Ohio.  The case with 
Padgett has provided the stress factor, and 
now I am reacting just like the other six 
women did.  I'm running away."  Leave it to 
Scully to cut to the chase.

"Yes.  That's exactly what I think.  How far 
off the mark do you feel I am?"  Mulder was 
relieved by her quiet statement of his theory.  
Scully was not rejecting it outright.

"Do you have any thoughts on what the long 
term effect could be?" she asked quietly, 
ignoring his question.

"Not at this time.  We need to contact the 
families and see how many have actually 
returned home.  I don't know what we'll find, 
but I would guess that not all the women 
returned."  Mulder was truthful with her.

"Why?  These couples had strong relationships.  
The women loved their husbands and their 
children.  How could a subliminal message 
destroy that kind of history?"

"Scully, I'll be candid with you.  
Everything we've discussed is based on a 
theory.  I'll have no hard data for you until 
we follow up with the Ohio couples.  But I 
feel...I know that this is what is happening 
here.  The message on the disk somehow fed the 
deeply buried pain of these women and 
destroyed all their carefully built controls-
effectively allowing their pain to rule them."  
Mulder moved closer to her, slowly raising his 
hands to rub her upper arms in a gesture of 
comfort.  "We don't know how many recognized 
that they needed help and got into counseling 
as a couple and individually."

Scully stepped into his arms and buried her 
nose in his chest.  "Jesus, Mulder, what kind 
of inhuman animals are we dealing with here?  
How many more ways do they have to find to 
torture the unsuspecting public?  To torture 
us?"  Scully began to weep softly.

Mulder wrapped her in his arms, rocking slowly 
back and forth.  "We can fight this, Scully.  
We know what they've done and we can work to 
stop it."

"How?  What can we possibly do to stop a 
subliminal message from ricocheting through my 
brain until it destroys everything I am and I 
hold dear?"  Scully pulled away, anger 
building as she began to pace.  "How can we 
help the six families in Ohio?  How will we 
ever find the other test families you know 
they probably infected all across the country?  
What makes you think they would believe us, 
even if we could locate them?"  She stopped 
across the room and faced him again.

"We probably will never be able to find all 
the families that have been victimized.  We 
could get the guys to see what they could find 
on other possible target areas.  At best we 
can get the Ohio couples to believe us and 
seek counseling,"  Mulder said willing her 
closer with his eyes.

"And me, Mulder.  What do we do about me?"  
Scully moved slowly back to stand in front of 
him.  "I can only tell you that my need to run 
is overwhelming.  I am terrified by what is 
happening and it's taking everything I have 
not to disappear completely.  The transfer was 
a stopgap, something to keep me sane.  What 
can we do to keep us together?  To keep our 
partnership together?"  

"Scully, you've always been such a mystery to 
me-Fox Mulder, the man.  As a psychologist I 
recognize that you have memories,  family 
history, and relationship dynamics that have 
molded you into the woman you are.  I am 
speculating about the abandonment issues, but 
I think I'm pretty close to dead on with my 
reasoning," he looked at her for confirmation. 

Her slight nod was enough to allow him to 
carry on.

"Long term, you need to see a therapist that 
you trust and work through these feelings.  
Learn or re-learn how to deal with them.  I 
know you occasionally see someone, but you're 
going to have to make a more concentrated 
effort to work this out."  Mulder's tone was 
gentle and supportive, but firm.

"What about right now?  What about short-term?  
Mulder, I need help now!  I don't want to lose 
you as my partner, but these doubts, these 
fears are working on me even as we speak.  
It's like a worm crawling through my brain, 
destroying my self-confidence and self-worth, 
leaving only the cowardly pieces of my brain 
functioning."

"Scully, I could...we could try to work on them 
together."  Mulder was hesitant to go further 
until she gave him some kind of indication 
that she was receptive to working on this 
problem with him.  "We could talk about things 
in your past that have hurt you-things that 
you need to discuss with your therapist 
later."

Scully was silent for so long, he was certain 
he had lost her.

"How would we do that, Mulder?" she asked in a 
whisper.

"Well, if we agree to do this, I think we 
would first try to make you as comfortable as 
possible.  You know, put on your most 
comfortable clothes, light a fire, pull the 
shades, and put on any certain kind of music 
that comforts you.  Anything that makes you 
comfortable and secure in your surroundings."  
Mulder suggested.

"Then?"  Scully asked.

"Then we talk.  I...I can try to help you by 
listening as a friend.  You know I'd do 
anything for you Scully.  You're my best 
friend.  But I can't lose you.  If you aren't 
completely okay with this, we could call 
Karen.  Or if this is too much for you, we 
don't have to do anything until Monday and you 
can contact your regular therapist."

"I don't want to lose you either, Mulder.  I'm 
going to take a bath and think about this for 
a while.  Why don't you start a fire while I'm 
gone."  Scully gave him a quick hug.  "I'm not 
trying to put this off, don't worry.  I won't 
be too long.  I just need to collect my 
thoughts before we begin."

As Scully tried to soak away her fears and 
marshal her thoughts, Mulder quickly moved 
around the living room.  He cleaned up the few 
dishes from their lunch, started a fire, 
closed the curtains and lit a number of 
candles that Scully had placed around the 
room.  He opened a bottle of wine she had 
chilling and put it on ice in the wine bucket.  
He placed it, along with a couple of 
wineglasses on the coffee table in the living 
room.

By the time he was done, Scully was moving 
around in her bedroom.  As Mulder looked 
around the room he had the feeling it looked 
like he had set up a seduction rather than a 
counseling session, but he wanted Scully to 
feel comfortable.  If she didn't like anything 
he had done, she would certainly let him know 
about it.

Scully pulled on her favorite at-home clothes.  
The navy sweat pants were large on her, as was 
the soft cotton dress shirt that had 
previously graced Mulder's body.  She had 
appropriated it for her own when he had told 
her to just trash it-the front pocket had been 
torn off in a scuffle with a suspect.  She 
kept it because it smelled like Mulder and she 
loved the feel of the fine cotton.  Mulder 
certainly had excellent but expensive taste in 
clothing. Scully's frugal upbringing wouldn't 
allow her to destroy a perfectly fine shirt.  
At least that's what she told herself.

Mulder did not comment as she entered, but he 
smiled as he left the room to make a quick pit 
stop, allowing Scully to settle into the 
living room.  She needed to feel comfortable 
with his arrangements.  He didn't want to push 
her into flight.  This was her turf and if she 
took off, he might not be able to find her 
until irreparable damage had been done to 
their relationship.

"So, Scully, is everything all right?"  Mulder 
spoke softly from the doorway as he watched 
her look around the room.

"Mulder, I should have you come over and set 
up the apartment the next time I'm 
entertaining.  Everything looks lovely.  You 
even did the dishes!  Thanks, partner."  
Scully teased.

"Did you want to pick out some music?  I 
didn't know what particular disc would be the 
most comforting..."

Scully shook her head and asked "So how should 
we begin?"  The fear was creeping back into 
her voice.

"Well, if everything is okay, we should just 
sit down and start talking."  Mulder offered.

They both moved to sit on the couch at 
opposite ends.  Scully glanced at Mulder, 
looked away and cleared her throat.  "Would 
you like a glass of wine?"

"Yeah, sure.  Thanks."  Mulder accepted the 
glass she poured for him.

Scully smiled and poured herself a glass of 
wine.  She stared into the fire for a few 
moments before she began to talk.

"You know, Mulder, I've been thinking and I 
have come to the conclusion that you are right 
about this whole situation."

"Wait, I don't have my tape recorder on me.  
Agent Scully admits I'm right!  Who are you 
and what did you do with my partner?"  Mulder 
couldn't resist a tease.

Scully smiled over her wineglass and allowed 
him his fun.

"Sorry, Scully, I couldn't resist."  Mulder 
smiled back.

"That's all right.  I can take it, I think.  
Speaking of thinking, I was remembering a lot 
of my childhood while I was in the bath.  I 
seem to remember a great many happy times, 
Mulder, but none of the bad times.  Why do you 
think that is?"

For a few moments they discussed the happy 
times of their lives and how much easier it 
was not to dwell on unhappiness but how it 
seemed to rule in the end.  Finally Scully 
quit talking and seemed to be contemplating 
how to say something to Mulder.

"Mulder, I can't sit here like this and talk."

"That's all right, Scully, I understand.  It's 
not easy to..." Mulder began.

"No, I mean I can't sit here on the couch like 
this and discuss personal memories with you.  
Mulder, you need to move."

"Okay, do you want me to sit on the chair?" he 
said as he stood up.

"No.  I..."  Scully couldn't find the words to 
tell Mulder what she needed so she decided to 
show him.

Rising, she stood facing him, "Mulder, sit 
down at this end, with your back to the arm of 
the sofa."  

Mulder looked at her quizzically but did as 
she asked.  Scully reached down, removed his 
shoes, and neatly placed them by the front 
door.  When she returned to the couch, she 
lifted his legs by the ankles and moved them 
to the seat of the sofa.  She then moved to 
sit on his lap allowing her own legs to slide 
between his legs and angling on her side so 
that she could press her face against his 
chest and her backside up against the couch.  
They had sat like this many times before 
watching movies together.

"Is this okay, Mulder?  This...when we are 
together like this is when I feel safe-
comfortable."  Scully's voice was barely a 
whisper as she burrowed into Mulder's arms.


"Scully, I love holding you like this.  It 
makes me feel happy and at peace, too."  
Mulder moved his arms around her, securing her 
to his chest and away from parts of his 
anatomy that could possible make her feel 
anxious.

"How should I start, Mulder?" her voice was 
softer, more relaxed already.

"Why don't you just start talking about things 
you remember from your childhood.  Let your 
mind drift, be open, try to think of the good, 
but don't sidestep the bad things that 
happened.  Can you do that?"

"I can try," was all Scully could promise.

For the next few minutes she gathered her 
thoughts, then began to talk.  Happy childhood 
memories involving Missy and Charlie were easy 
to share.  Only Bill didn't seem to be part of 
the happy picture Scully was painting, and 
Mulder caught that right away.  As much as he 
hated to talk about Bill, he felt he had to 
point this out to her.

"Scully, what about Bill?  Don't you have any 
good memories of Bill?"  

Scully was quiet for a few moments.  "I can 
remember Christmas and birthdays that involved 
Bill that were pleasant, but, Mulder, it's 
funny.  I cannot remember Bill with any great 
warmth.  I can remember Bill and Melissa 
together with a feeling of happiness.  But, 
all I remember in my relationship with him is 
the anger and resentment I felt towards him 
and his overbearing ways."

She became very quiet again as she 
contemplated her childhood and her older 
brother's place in it.

"That's okay, Scully, we can come back to Bill 
later.  What's the earliest memory you have?"  
Mulder asked.

After careful contemplation, Scully began to 
speak.

"The earliest memory I have is from when I was 
almost three.  It's strange that I remember 
everything about it so clearly, but I've 
confirmed parts of it with my mother."  
Scully's breath hitched as she gathered 
strength to continue.

"My father had been transferred again and we 
were moving in the middle of winter.  Melissa 
and Bill had to stay to finish out the school 
term so Dad, Mom, Charlie and I were driving 
to the new posting.  I remember it was winter.  
It was cold and the snow was blinding.  The 
roads were bad, our car was old, and we 
couldn't have been driving over fifteen miles 
per hour.  Charlie had been sick so Mom was 
watching him carefully.  He was in the back 
seat next to me."  Scully began rubbing her 
hand up and down Mulder's chest like a child 
with a silk blankie rubbing for comfort.

"I will never forget the look on my mother's 
face when she turned around to check him.  She 
could tell he was in trouble and her look of 
fear haunts me to this day."  Scully sighed 
deeply and went on.

"Mom yelled for Dad to stop the car.  She 
lunged over the seat and grabbed Charlie, and 
began puffing breaths into his mouth.  I can 
remember his little lips were so blue, he 
looked like he had been eating a grape 
Popsicle.  She was panting and yelling at my 
father to get help and he jumped out of the 
car.  He must have flagged down a semi, cause 
I can remember how close the tires passed to 
the window on my side of the car before it 
disappeared into the snowstorm and stopped in 
front of us."  Once again she faded to 
silence, gathering strength to continue.

"Dad opened Mom's car door and told her to go 
with the driver.  He was traveling faster and 
could get Charlie to the hospital quickly.  He 
looked over the seat and told me to be a brave 
little seaman and stay there while he helped 
Mom and Charlie."  Scully started to wring her 
hands as she continued.

"I was so scared," came out in a gasp.  "I 
couldn't see anything but the snow whirling 
around the car and I was so scared that they 
had left me alone.  It kept getting colder and 
colder.  Everything was white outside the car.  
I couldn't see a difference between the ground 
and the sky.  I was more alone than I had ever 
been in my entire life.  I started to cry.  I 
wanted my Mommy, but she was with Charlie.  I 
wanted my Daddy, but he told me to wait there.  
I wanted my baby brother to be okay.  God, 
Mulder, I was so scared."  Scully started to 
cry softly.  Mulder tightened his arms around 
her and began to rub her back to comfort her.

"How long were they gone, Scully?"  he asked 
quietly.

"I don't know.  It felt like an eternity, but 
probably was no more than five or ten minutes.  
When my Dad got back in the car he scolded me 
for crying.  I was to be his brave little 
seaman-there was no time for tears.  I know 
now he didn't mean to be harsh, he was just 
worried about Charlie, but then it was such a 
crushing blow to me.  I couldn't seem to get 
warm.  I guess it's because they couldn't run 
the heater.  I was afraid to tell my father 
how cold I was.  I just sat there, shaking, 
with silent tears falling.  I tried to stop 
crying, but I couldn't stop the tears."

Mulder tried to remain non judgmental of 
Captain Scully, but it was hard.  He knew 
Scully needed him to be supportive so he 
repressed his feelings, allowing only loving, 
non-verbal sounds to escape his throat.

"I remember hearing Mom talk about that time 
years later.  Apparently Charlie had pneumonia 
complicated by a carbon dioxide leak in the 
heating system.  We almost lost him.  If the 
semi driver hadn't stopped and taken Mom and 
Charlie to the hospital quickly, he could have 
died or suffered permanent brain damage."

"Looking back I think I tried to reconcile my 
feelings of fear and abandonment with the 
relief I felt that Charlie had survived and 
forced myself to forget the whole thing.  But 
Mulder, just now remembering the entire 
incident, I realize I had a lot of anger 
towards my father and myself, too!"

"I can understand your anger towards your 
father, but why do you think you were angry at 
yourself?"  Mulder was puzzled by her last 
remark.

"I guess...I feel like I failed him.  I wasn't 
the strong little seaman he expected me to be.  
I was weak and couldn't stop crying.  I let 
him down.  That's probably why I always tried 
to be the brave little sailor when Dad had to 
ship out.  I never wanted him to see me cry 
again."  Scully whispered.  She looked at him 
as if asking for his take on her assessment of 
the memory.

Mulder hesitated before answering her silent 
question.  "In general, I feel that's a good 
assessment of the situation, Scully.  You had 
a right to be afraid, and with all the other 
circumstances, it's hard to not to understand 
your parents position.  You also were a child.  
You had a right to feel fear and anger when 
left alone.  I think you can see it now as an 
adult and realize that it was a bad situation 
and everyone did the best they could."  Mulder 
felt the tension ease from her body.

"I'm sure your father's response to you was driven 
by the fear that Charlie, his baby, was going 
to die.  He wasn't there with Maggie and 
Charlie and felt helpless."  Mulder left the 
rest unsaid, but he again felt resentment 
toward Captain Scully and his insensitivity to 
the child Scully was.

"I guess I do have at least one abandonment 
issue, Mulder, and obviously an anger issue as 
well."

"Don't we all, Scully?"  Mulder murmured.  
"Don't we all!"

They grew silent for a while.  Mulder reached 
over to the table and handed Scully her glass 
of wine.  As she sipped hers, he had some of 
his, too.  Even with his training, this was 
going to be harder than he thought.  Keeping 
his opinion out of the conversation, being 
objective when it came to Scully was more 
difficult than he previously imagined.

When she had finished her wine, he offered her 
another glass.  She shook her head and said, 
"Maybe later, thanks Mulder.  I've been 
thinking about Bill."

Mulder kept quiet and allowed her to continue 
at her own pace.

End Part 10 of 15