From: katchat42@juno.com
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2003 03:49:09 GMT
Subject: No Subject Provided
Source: direct


Title: When Dawn Breaks
Author: Katchat	
Category: Vignette
Keywords: Angst/MSR/Scully POV
Spoiler: Per Manum
Rating: PG (It couldn't be helped)
Summary:  Scully's feelings on the morning after.
Disclaimer:  I don't think anybody is claiming these characters these
days, so I'll go ahead.  You can fight me when you get around to
making that second movie.

When Dawn Breaks

Even the aroma of her steaming coffee failed to rejuvenate her spirits
that morning.  She sat alone at her kitchen table, her hands wrapped
tightly around the warm mug full of hot liquid.  Her eyes were not
focused on one thing, but seemed to stare off into some unknown
horizon, filled with concern and perhaps even despair.  She appeared
dazed, stunned, on the verge of breaking down.

What had she done?  What had possessed her the previous night to act
in such an impulsive and incautious manner?  What had come over her
and scattered her inhibitions, which she for so long had nurtured and
protected?  She could barely wrap her brain around what had happened.  
Worse yet were the unknown repercussions of her actions.  What would
become of them now?

After all, it wasn't just some guy she met in a bar with whom she
allowed herself to succumb to reckless abandon.  Somehow, even that
was more believable. But this was Mulder. *Mulder!*

She had never been impetuous.  It wasn't her way to take initiative
and invite a man, *any* man, into her bed.  For the most part, she had
tried to guard this area of her life, rarely giving in to any such
romantic feeling or persuasion.  Her life was far too complicated to
add a serious relationship to it, and she appalled short-term flings.  
So she'd backed away from any notion of letting a man into her life.  
She was strong, independent, and her standards were high.  No one
cared to become entwined with her in such a way.  And that had been
fine with her.

But, oh, how she did love Mulder.  Maybe not in a sexual way,
regardless of her behavior last night.  She didn't spend hours pining
for him.  She didn't consciously devour every word he spoke or take
note of each movement he made.  Sure, she had entertained the thought
that he was rather attractive on occasion, on those long nights of
paperwork they frequently spent together, when his hair would be
slightly tousled from the day and his sleeves rolled to just below his
elbows and his tie loosened a bit, his brow furrowed from
concentration.  She wasn't completely made of stone.  But she would
have preferred Mulder even if he was an inch shorter than she and
sported a beer belly and a greasy comb over.  It wasn't his appearance
that drew her to him.

It was him.  The way she didn't always have to voice her thoughts for
him to understand her.  The way he'd fight for any cause she asked him
to simply out of devotion to her regardless of his own opinion of the
matter.  The way he protected her and teased her and looked at her
with his deep hazel eyes.  She even enjoyed a good fight with him once
in awhile.  He was her other half, an opposite of her in every way and
yet a perfect accompaniment to her very being.  He had become her
closest friend and confidant.  And she had grown to love him
completely.

Of course, this had never been discussed openly between the two of
them. They knew in their hearts that they loved and needed each other
so deeply, but never voiced what they knew to be true.  Theirs was a
relationship of action rather than words.  They were always there for
each other, always leaning on each other, always the first one to help
the other in a time of trouble.  This is how they declared their
commitment to each other.

And that's what he had been doing last night.  Showing his love and
support.  Being a rock for her in an upside down world.  And she felt
as though she had taken advantage of him.

Inwardly she fumed.  It was his own fault for being so sweet and
wonderful.  She'd hardly believed it when he agreed to supply her with
the "necessary materials" as they had come to refer to it, in her
endeavor to become a mother.  He'd done what very few men are
comfortable with, visiting doctors and being instructed on his role as
a "donor", talking freely about issues that he probably would have
preferred to leave alone.  He'd gone with her to the clinic and sat in
the waiting room throughout the procedure.  He'd driven her home and
made her dinner.  He'd called her every night to see how she was
feeling and to give her some encouragement, and then he'd greeted her
every morning at work with a twinkle in his eye and a smile, bringing
her coffee and making her sit down and take it easy.  It had been
infuriating for her...and wonderful.  And then, last night, he'd
waited for hours for her to come home with the news she had
received...which unfortunately had been disappointing.  The procedure
had failed.  She'd driven around for an hour after she'd left the
clinic, coming to grips with the fact that she would forever be
childless.  When she finally came home, he held her in his arms and
let her cry, kissing her forehead and telling her to "never give up on
a miracle".

It was then, in that moment, that something came over her.  A feeling
of want, of need, of unfamiliar desires.  She was the one who had
slowly inched her lips to his as they embraced and had kissed him with
such fervor that it was obvious to him what she meant.  He had gazed
down at her with a peculiar look in his eyes.

"Are you sure?" he had whispered.

She'd answered by drawing closer and kissing him again.  He wasn't
about to refuse her.

It had been remarkable...and terrible.

It had seemed the right thing to do when the darkness of her bedroom
engulfed them. She wanted him so much, and in the back of her mind,
there was a sliver of hope that maybe...just maybe if they
tried...she'd get her miracle.  But now...as dawn broke and sunlight
streamed through her windows, she wasn't so sure.

Things have a way of looking different in the morning.

Had she just threatened the best relationship in her life?  How could
things go back to normal after such a night?  Would they ever be able
to joke and tease and co-exist as they used to, or would their
conversation now be awkward and uneasy?  What would he expect of her
now?  What would he think of her?

A stirring in the doorway snapped her mind to attention.  He stood
before her, wearing his clothes from the evening before and gazing at
her with an expression she couldn't read. She was surprised to see him
up so early, as it was only half past six.  She found herself pulling
her cotton robe closer around her body, suddenly aware of the fact
that she was naked underneath and feeling very uncomfortable about it.

"Good morning." He said in an even tone.  She managed a smile.

"Do you want some coffee?" She offered.

He shook his head and sat down at the table with her.  "I really
should be going." He responded as he pulled on one of his shoes.  
They submerged themselves in silence for what seemed like eternity,
Mulder tying his shoelaces and Scully pretending to enjoy her
beverage.  Finally, his feet being clad, Mulder sat up and looked
across at her.

"I'm..." He began, then stuttered.  Finally he chuckled a little.  "I
don't know what to say."

She smiled a little.  Perhaps he felt the same way she did about the
entire ordeal.  She took a deep breath.

"Look, Mulder..." She began. "I want to apologize."

He shook his head.  "There's no need.  I understand."  He said slowly.

She proceeded anyway.  "It's just...I don't want you to think that
I...that I used you or meant to take advantage of you..."

He chuckled again.  "I was about to say the same thing to you."

"So, I guess we both know that it can't happen again." She managed.  
He didn't seem surprised or offended.

"Yes, I know, Scully."  He reached across the table and squeezed her
hand.  "I like how things are between us...and I don't really want to
complicate it with all of this."

She nodded.  "I agree."

With a deep gaze he said, "Maybe one day, when we're ready..."

She nodded again in understanding.  Maybe one day, when there was no
danger, when they were free to be together, released from the
overwhelming burdens they now carried and able to truly commit to one
another as husband and wife...until then, they would be content to
love each other as they did now.

After another moment, Mulder stood and reached for his jacket which
draped from his chair.  He then crossed to her side of the table.

"If you need anything, let me know." He said, placing his hand on her
shoulder.

She lifted her eyes to his.  They were clearer now, not so full of
anxiety as they had been.  "I'll be okay.  I'll see ya Monday,
Mulder."

He smiled, leaned over to kiss her forehead, and departed, leaving her
to finish her now cool cup of coffee.