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From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 15 Dec 2001 20:45:37 -0000
Subject: When Doves Cry by Juliet Lovatt
Source: direct

Reply To: jules@haveaniceday.co.uk


		      
Title: When Doves Cry

Author: Juliet Lovatt 

Rating: PG-13 for a couple of bad words

Classification: A, Major Mulder Angst

Summary:  "Maybe I'm just like my mother-
           My mother's dead. Because of me"

Spoilers: All seasons up to and including Season Eight

Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine

Feedback: Yes please!  E-Mail- jules@haveaniceday.co.uk

Archive- Anywhere just ask me first!

Authors Note-Its taken me two months to get round to 
posting this...hope you like it! 

No beta reader used.. all typos are my own :) 

*************************
 "How could you leave me standing 
  alone in a world so cold...."

  "Maybe I'm just too demanding
  Maybe I'm just like my father-too bold
  Maybe I'm just like my mother...she's never satisfied
  Why do we scream at each other?
      This is what it sounds like....when Doves Cry."-Prince


This is what it sounds like when doves cry. I scream. 
That's what it sounds like when doves cry.
I'm screaming, strapped into a chair, naked, with dried blood all
over my body. My blood. My body.
I was alone then. I'm alone now. Scully's had her baby. 
She tells me its mine. So what did I do?
I ran like the demanding waster that I am. 
Maybe I am too demanding. I am too demanding. 
I demand to know the truth. I want to know everything. 
But where has it got me?
  
  "Maybe I'm just like my father" -My father's dead, because of me. 
   My paranoia, my search, my quest.
  
  "Maybe I'm just like my mother"-My mother's dead, because of me.
Because I couldn't let go. I demanded to know the truth, but I 
wouldn't believe it. And now, I have the chance of a new life, 
to put these demons behind me. Just let it go. I can't let it 
go remember! I'm 'spooky' Mulder, just spooky Mulder...that's me.
Goddamit! 
They made me spooky. I couldn't shrug off the nickname so I just 
decided to stick with it. And even with this chance of new life, 
new happiness. I don't let it go. Scully's baby, it too with a 
chance of life.

If I only had one wish......I'd wish that that child was not
like me. I hope it grabs life by the ass, and doesn't waste it. 
Like me. A waster......the baby's mine. Scully told me today but 
I guess I always really knew.

You know when you've gone to far, it's when you start to question 
your life, and your family. That's a terrible thing to do, to 
question the integrity of your own family. Maybe I am just 
like my mother...never satisfied. 
She was never satisfied with my father. 
I'm never satisfied. Never satisfied with a life, never satisfied 
with Scully, always got to chase the spooky thing.
But now, that's all going to stop.

I could hear things you know. I was aware of things when I was 
in......there. It's just a big jumble of things for a while. 
Then I heard something solidly. It was Scully crying. Then there's
nothing. 
I was dead for three months. And she's pregnant. Jeez. I know that 
It's all she's ever wanted, but does she want me by her side? 
Does she really love me? Or is it some obligation or perhaps pity 
towards me. After eight years, you can't just leave someone after 
eight years, and all that we've been through together. Does she 
feel like she's got to stay with me? Does she feel that she could 
go now, go out and lead a normal life? Forget about me? Of course 
not. After eight years you can't go out and lead a normal life, 
find someone else; spend the rest of your life with them.
   
   Its *right* to stay with your partner. 
   I can't run away from her.
Its *right* that I should be with her, stay with her until the
end. I've been given a new life; I have the choice to say 'No'.
The choice to leave the chasing, paranoia, obsessing.
A chance to leave that entire life behind.  I'm not gonna fuck this
up again. 
Because I love her.
Or is that I have no other choice because I can't find anyone else 
who will understand me?
But I'm not running anymore.
   So I go to her, and it feels right.


~~~~~~~~~~Finished 16th October---posted December
Feedback greatly welcomed at jules@haveaniceday.co.uk