From: Nina Date: 3 Apr 2003 19:11:02 -0800 Subject: [all-xf] NEW!! When I Close My Eyes Source: atxc When I Close My Eyes by xphilernj Feedback: Yes, please!! xphilernj@aol.com Rating NC-17 for language and adult situations Disclaimer: I don't own them. CC does. I just borrow them. Classification: S Keywords: MSR, RST Spoilers: Milagro Summary: Mulder agonizes over the aftermath of the Padgett case. Who is Agent Scully already in love with? *x*x*x*x*x* When I close my eyes, I imagine your presence The thought of you being near I can see the love on your face When I close my eyes, I can feel you sitting next to me Your smile consumes me; your voice echos in my head I can hear the loving words you whisper When I close my eyes, I remember your touch The tenderness in your hand as you hold mine The warmth in your arms as you hold me tight The softness of your lips upon mine When I close my eyes, I am there with you So close...so tender...so passionate The love we make is forever etched in my mind Memories never die Whenever I am lonely ... I just close my eyes. by Melissa Maxwell *x*x*x*x*x* Saturday Morning 1 a.m. The relentless rain pounded steadily on the roof of the car as he laid a single red rose and a damp letter on the passenger seat with loving care. His hands shook, and his body jumped with each clash of thunder. He turned the key, his mind racing toward his destination. The engine came to life, and his heart skipped a beat. The air was thick around him as he tried to take a shuddering breath. His shaky hand ran down his face to wipe the rain from his eyes. He rubbed his hand down the leg of his jeans, then quickly shifted the car in gear and pressed the accelerator before he could change his mind. *x*x*x*x*x* Friday evening 5 p.m. Silence. Some days a blessing. Some days a curse. Today silence is a curse. The ticking of the clock, tapping of keys on the laptop, a soft sigh, and the shuffling of papers were the only the signs of life within the confines of the dim basement office. She heard his restless movements and soft sighs. She heard the thud of a pencil as it sank into the soft tile above her head, but she did not look up. She heard his heavy footsteps, held her breath, closed her eyes, and did not move. A tender touch on her shoulder, a whisper of her name, and then she took a breath. "Scully?" She closed the lid to her laptop, stood up, and sighed as his hand fell to his side. "I'm just tired, Mulder. I think I'm gonna head on home." She gathered up the files she planned to work on over the weekend and headed for the door. "Dinner? Pizza and a movie? My treat," he offered with a smile. "Thanks for the offer, but I think I want to be alone tonight. Call you tomorrow?" she said as she grabbed her coat and opened the door. "Yeah, sure. Call me if......." "I will." And then she was gone. Today silence was a curse. The ticking of the clock. The tapping of his shoes as he crossed the room. The groan of the chair he fell into, and the heavy mournful sigh from deep within his chest were the only sounds he heard. He propped his elbows on the desk, ground the heel of his hands into his eyes, and growled. He winced when his fists landed heavy on his desk, then stood and started pacing around the room. "Why Scully? Why don't you talk to me? What are you afraid of?" His hands balled into fists by his side as he paced back and forth. At times he cursed his memory, his mind like a steel trap, capturing moments in time he would just as soon forget. This was one of those times he wished he could forget. **Padgett. Novel. Milagro charm. Death. Heart. Scully's blood. Scully's lifeless body on the floor. The look on her face. The blood that covered her blouse. Scully clinging to me and crying. The trip to the emergency room. Her apartment and the dismissal of 'I'm fine'. I wish I could forget. I wish.....I wish she would just talk to me.** His pacing stopped, his shoulders slumped over in defeat. He sighed heavily, walking to the door, grabbed his coat and went home. *x*x*x*x*x* Friday Night 5:30 p.m. The rain had gotten worse by the time she arrived home. She was soaked to the skin and shivering as she opened her door and entered her apartment. The rain against the window and the distant sound of thunder were the only sounds she heard in the cold, dark room. She tossed her keys and files on the table as she slowly walked to her room, turning the heat up to take the chill out of the air. Grabbing her night shirt and panties from a drawer she decided to take a hot shower instead of her usual evening bubble bath. She stepped into the shower and let the heat of water run over her tired, sore muscles. Her body exhausted, but her mind unyielding to her heart's wishes to just shut down. Her fists hit the tile wall as tears mixed with the water ran down her face. "Why can't I talk to him? What am I so afraid of?" Her mind continued to run through clips and scenes as the water began to cool. **Padgett. Novel. Milagro charm. Death. Heart. My blood. Mulder's body kneeling above me on the floor. The look on his face. The blood that covered my blouse. Me clinging to him and crying. The trip to the emergency room. My apartment and Mulder's face as he was leaving. I wish I could forget. I wish.....I wish I could just talk to him.** Sore muscles refused to relax and her mind refused to shut down as she climbed into bed. Even though her body was exhausted, she knew sleep would be a long time coming. *x*x*x*x*x* Friday Night 6:30 p.m. The apartment was dark and lonely. Rain against the window, distant sound of thunder, and the subtle sound of the fish tank were the only sounds to be heard. He laid his keys on the table and headed down the hall to his room, tossing his suit jacket on the foot of the bed. He pulled a tee shirt and a pair of boxers out of the drawer and headed for the bathroom. The hot spray of water cascading over his shoulders and down his back, did little to relieve the tense, sore muscles. He stood, hands braced against the tile, trying not to think of the events of the past two weeks. Like a script from an old movie, pictures and words played through his mind. >>..........she worried her partner would know instinctively what she could only guess. To be thought of as simply a beautiful woman was bridling, unthinkable. But she was beautiful... fatally, stunningly prepossessing. Yet the compensatory respect she commanded only deepened the yearnings of her heart... to let it open, to let someone in. << He raised his head and let the water run down his face. **You are beautiful to me, Scully. Don't you know that? Can't you see that when you look into my eyes? Why won't you let me......let me into your heart?** He turned the water off, dried himself off, donned his tee shirt and boxers and headed for the couch. >>The stranger had looked her in the eye and knew her more completely than she knew herself. She felt wild, feral, guilty as a criminal. Had the stranger unleashed in her what was already there or only helped her discover a landscape she, by necessity, blinded herself to? What would her partner think of her? << He pushed the palm of his hands into his eyes, trying to stop the visions, halt the words that ran through his mind. They would not stop. **Words. Just words on paper. She wouldn't do that. Would she? The naked pretzel. Stop it! They're just words written by a fucking psycho. I know her. Do you? Yes. She said I knew her....'I think you know me better than that, Mulder'. I do. Do I? Shit. But the look on her face. Guilt. Embarassment.** The blood rushed faster and faster through his veins, his heart weighed heavy in his chest as his feet pounded the floor. Back and forth he paced frantically, his mind refusing to let go. **She was there. She was there with him. Why? What would she have done? What would he have done if I hadn't barged in? No. Can't think about that. She wouldn't. Would she? Pretty words. Just pretty fucking words on paper. Fuck!** >>In my book, I'd written that Agent Scully falls in love but that's obviously impossible. Agent Scully is already in love. << His pacing slowed, his lungs struggled for air as he walked slowly to his desk and sat in the old wooden chair. 'Agent Scully is already in love'. The words hit him hard. **She's already in love. In love. But who? Dare I dream? Dare I believe? I know she loves me. I know she cares. But is she in love with me? Why did she push me away? Doesn't she know I care? Doesn't she know I love her? Doesn't she know I'm *in* love with her? How could she? You never told her** He stood at the window, staring out at the night sky through bleary eyes, distorted by the rain. He slowly dropped his head and released a shuddering breath. **Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just tell her? Why am I so fucking scared to tell her? Because every time you open your mouth you hurt her. You screw things up. Just words. Just fucking words.** He slowly lowered himself into the chair and stared at the phone. **I'll call her. No. She doesn't want to talk. Maybe I'll go see her. No. She said she wanted to be alone. Just call her. Tell her. No. I need to see her. She deserves that much. What do I say? How do I tell her? Shit. This is so hard. Why are my hands shaking? Why can't I breathe? My heart aches. Aches for her. Why does love hurt so bad? Gotta tell her. But what if she doesn't want me. What if she is not in love with me? No. Can't think about that. Won't think about that. I know she loves me. Then tell her. I can't. I'm....I'm scared. Oh God!! Why am I so scared. Coward. I'll write her a letter. Yeah. She'll understand. Of course she will. Coward. Shit. Just do it. Do it now.** He pulled the pad of paper from the top drawer of his desk, picked up the pen that lay beside his phone, and with a trembling hand, he began to write. He read the letter one more time before carefully folding it in half and then laid it on the table beside the rose he bought on a whim. A movie, a rose, pizza and a quiet evening was what he had hoped for when he left for work that morning. Today silence was a curse. He gave her the time and space she asked for two weeks ago. Time and space seemed to have stretched betweem them with uncomfortable silence now. They continued to skirt around the tenuous passion and desire that lay just below the surface. It frightened him to think she was drifting further away. He wanted to push a little harder, show her how he felt. Reassure her he would always be there for her, but again she walked away. He drew a shuddering breath and went to his room to dress before he had the time to change his mind. *x*x*x*x*x* 2 a.m. His black leather jacket had offered little protection against the falling rain and his black jeans and t-shirt were soaked. Slowly, he walked down the hall. He stood before her door, raising a shaky right hand to knock, but running it through his hair instead. His heart pounded in his chest, taking his breath away. He paced back and forth before her door, arguing with himself. **She's probably already asleep. Maybe she's not asleep. Come on Mulder, you know she's exhausted. Long week. Bad week. Padgett. Heart. My heart hurts. It aches for her. I need to tell her. What if she doesn't want to hear? What if she doesn't want to know? She loves me. Does she love me? She knows I love her. Does she? Just knock on the damn door. Yes. No. Just walk away. Talk to her tomorrow. Saturday. Yeah, tomorrow's Saturday. Yes. No. You have to do this now. Stop being a damned fool and just do it. Stop being a damned fool and..... just go home.** Body and mind exhausted, Mulder stopped and stared up the hall that stretched before him. He laid his head against her door, closed his eyes and sighed. Pulling himself upright, he started back up the hall with a heavy heart. He clenched his hands in tight fists and winced, lifting his right hand in confusion at the pain. A single tear fell as he stared at the rose he clutched in his hand. *x*x*x*x*x* The sound of rain, the clash of thunder and the loud beating of his heart were almost too much on his already fragile nerves. He quietly turned the key. Holding his breath, he slowly opened the door, his hand wrapped tightly around the keys to keep them from jingling loose. He stepped through the door and silently released a shuddering breath. **You can do this. No big deal. Yeah right, easy for you to say. Geez, Mulder pull yourself together man. Just do it. Yeah. Just do it. I hope I'm not gonna regret this in the morning. Nah, no way. Hey Mulder, stop talking to yourself and get on with it. Yeah, okay. Oh God help me, I think I'm losing my mind.** With the exception of the lightning flashing through the window blinds and the rain beating against the window pane, the apartment was quiet and dark. He stuffed the keys into his jeans pocket and cautiously walked through the apartment, stepping lightly across the floor to the hall. He winced and held his breath as the floor creaked. Flashes of light from her bedroom lit his way as he caustiously made his way down the hall. He paused, placing his back against the wall, he doubled over as if in pain. His heart pounded, his body trembled as he tried to take a deep breath. His lungs hurt. He couldn't breathe. He closed his eyes and finally took in a shuddering breath. He ran his hand across his face as his mind raced through a thousand excuses for why he should not be there. **This is a bad idea. I can't do this. Yes you can. I can't. Why am I so scared? What are you afraid of? This is Scully. Exactly. I can't do this. Come on you made it this far. I know, I know. No. Suck it up Mulder. Do it. I can't. I can't breath. Mulder, just do it. Alright!! Shit!! I need help. Yeah, later. Now go.** Her bedroom door was open, and he quietly stepped inside. The soft glow from the street light outside her window cast shadows across her room. His eyes roamed the body that lay before him as if looking at a work of art. He held his breath as flashes of lightning illuminated the small form, then exhaled slowly. Tousled red hair framed her face, her night shirt hugged her body as if it were a second skin and creamy white legs spread out above the rumpled sheets . He stood there, just a few feet from the bed, holding his breath as she shifted in her sleep. Soft moans and subtle jerks of her arms and legs told him she must be dreaming. He carefully made his way around her bed and gingerly laid the letter and rose on the vacant pillow, then slowly started for the door. The sound of her softly whispering his name shot through him, making the hairs on the back of his neck tingle. He turned his head toward her, fearing she had caught him lurking as like a predator in the night. He felt a twinge of pain as her hand grasped the shirt above her heart. He quickly moved to her side, the pain on her face almost buckling his knees. Gently, he ran a finger down the side of her face and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. His lips brushed the side of her face, and he whispered in her ear. "It's okay. You're safe. I'm here. Shhhh......baby, you're safe now." He closed his eyes as his lips softly pressed against her cheek and caught a single tear. "Oh baby, please don't cry. I love you. Please don't cry," he whispered lovingly in her ear. Immediately her body relaxed, her face softening as she settled back into peaceful slumber. He placed another gentle kiss on her cheek, cautiously moved out of her bedroom and headed for the door, hearing her gasp and call out his name as he quickly closed and locked it behind him. *x*x*x*x*x* She sat straight up, her hand pressed against a cheek, gasped and called out his name. She blinked once, then twice and frantically looked around her room. Her heart pounded beneath her breast threatening, to take her breath away. She closed her eyes, then opened them and exhaled slowly. Kicking the covers from her legs, she started to get up when something from the corner of her eye caught her attention. A letter and single red rose lay upon the pillow beside her. With shaky hands, she inhaled the spicy fragrance of the rose, opened the letter, and began to read. *x*x*x*x*x* Scully, I have lived for a long time dependent upon no one, answering to no one and committed to no one except myself. During this period of my life, I truly believed that I was living life to the fullest. Then, you came along, and all of a sudden, I realized that I was deceiving myself. Scully, I am an incomplete man in need of wholeness. I find that my life is not all that I thought it was. In fact, it is terribly lacking in many things, the foremost being love. Now, through some great fortune, I have found that love and along with it the one person who can make my life truly complete. Scully, you are that person, and I have somehow fallen hopelessly and undeniably in love with you. To be honest, I never thought I would ever utter those words, but now, they come forth effortlessly and with great sincerity. I'll be forever grateful to you for showing me just how shallow my life was. At last, I have a chance to give it depth and purpose. I wanted to tell you this in person, but I knew that the proper words would escape me. I wrote you this letter instead. The coward that I am. Always and forever yours, Love Mulder *x*x*x*x*x* The words began to blur as tears ran down her face. She took a painful, shuddering breath through a tear-clogged throat within her aching chest. **Oh Mulder, you're not a coward. Why now? You know why. No. Can't be. Not because of Padgett. Can it be? 'Agent Scully is already in love'. Oh Mulder. You have to know it's you. Don't you know? Why couldn't you just come to me and tell me? For the same reason you couldn't. Mulder.** Jumping from the bed, she ran to the front room, looking frantically, hoping to find him still there. She flipped the switch, and light flooded the room, but she found no sign that he had been there. **Damn you Mulder. Where are you? Why did you leave? You didn't give me a chance to tell you. To tell you I love you. That I'm in love with you. Damn you.** She pulled up the blinds and desperately searched the street below through the rain that obscured her view. Her breath caught as her eyes settled on the lone, dark figure in the rain. She knew it was him. Even through the tears that stained her cheeks and the rain that veiled the night, she knew it was him. She watched as he opened his car door and paused to glance up at her apartment window. She stood staring, willing him not to leave. "Please don't......Mulder, please." she softly whispered. She threw her hand up to the window, closed her eyes and laid her cheek against the pane. Silent tears falling, a rose and letter clutched in her hand, she opened her eyes and slowly dropped to the floor. He was no longer there. **Mulder. No. Don't leave me alone tonight. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I need you. I don't want to be alone. I'm sorry. Please. Mulder.** *x*x*x*x*x* Fear and panic constricted his heart as he bolted through the door into the pouring rain. Blindly he ran across the street to his car and unlocked the door with trembling hands. His body shook from the rain that soaked straight through to the depths of his soul. He raised his head for one last look. There she stood, like an angel, framed in a glow of light, with her hand and cheek pressed against the window pane and the rose and letter clutched in her small hand. The stab of pain within his heart and the guilt of running away from her was more than he could bear. He whispered her name, closed his car door, and ran back across the street. **Oh Scully. What have I done.** *x*x*x*x*x* She could not hear his heavy steps pounding down the hall. She could not hear the tumblers of the lock, the jingle of keys, the opening and closing of the door. All she could hear was the rain beating against the window, the crash of thunder and her heart pounding in her ears. Her body shook from crying, her eyes unfocused from tears as she sat with her arms wrapped around her legs. **Please. Mulder. Please.** She tried to blink away the tears when she thought she heard the whisper of her name. She closed her eyes and held her breath, afraid it was all a dream. She opened her eyes to another whisper of her name. Her breath caught within her tear-clogged throat and threw her arms around his neck. "Please don't...... Mulder, please.....Please stay." Each word was spoken through tears and the pain of loneliness. "Oh Scully. I'm sorry. Don't cry, please don't cry." he whispered. He held her close until her small body no longer shook, and she finally relaxed against his chest. Gently, he pulled back, cupping her face with both hands as his thumbs tenderly brushed the tears from her cheeks. "I love you Scully." he whispered, then brushed his lips across hers. *x*x*x*x*x* The mortar of fear and doubt that kept the walls erect and safe around their hearts began to crumble. The whisper of a kiss, the tender touch of a hand was like fire raging through their veins. He softly called her name. "Scully." She placed her hand upon his cheek and brushed a tear away. "I love you Mulder." she said with a smile as his own smile lit up his eyes. "Mulder?" "hmm?" "You're wet," she said frowning. Sitting back on his heels to stand, he chuckled and pulled her up with him. "Yeah, I'm soaked. Maybe I better go and change." he said as he turned toward the door. Panic hit her full force as he turned to walk away. "Mulder!" she cried and reached for his arm. He turned back to her when he registered the panic in her voice and fear in her eyes. He reached out to touch her face and smiled. "Scully, I'm not going. I promise. Not unless you want me to." He gently wiped the tear that fell from the corner of her eye and smiled as she shook her head. "No. Stay." She smiled. "I'll get a towel." He watched as she disappeared into the bedroom. He peeled the wet leather from his shoulders, and turned to hang it on the rack beside the door. He pulled the wet boots from his feet and propped them against the wall. Running his fingers through his hair, he wondered if he was going too fast, reading too much into what she wanted. **Maybe she just wants me to stay for a little while. I mean it's not like I haven't before. But the look in her eye. No. You've seen that look before. Yes. Maybe just a glimpse, but you saw it. Yeah, but that doesn't mean she wants me. To make love to her. To love her. Maybe I should leave after all. No. She doesn't want you leave. What does she want? What do I want? Oh, you know what you want. Shut-up. Mulder! Damn. It's official. I've lost my fucking mind.** He took a deep breath and released it, then walked to her bedroom door. *x*x*x*x*x* She stood beside the bed with her back to the door, clutching the towel in one hand and the letter and rose in the other. She laid his gifts on the stand beside the bed. She turned to face him as he walked through the door. A blush spread across her tear stained face. She threw the towel across the bed and smiled as he approached her. Nervously she placed her hand above his heart. She closed her eyes and shuddered as tiny bolts of electricity ran through her fingers to the pit of her stomach. He clasped her hand and brushed his lips across the tender skin. "Scully? What do you want?" he asked. "Mulder, I don't want to close my eyes anymore." She smiled up at him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body close, then captured her lips with a heated kiss. Drunk from passion and desire as each drank from the well of the other's soul, their tongues twining and dancing. Breathlessly they broke apart, but did not separate, desperate as each was for the warmth of the other. She tugged and pulled his shirt up, over his head and tossed it to the side. She ran her hands across his chest and down to his waist then pulled herself up and placed a kiss above his heart. She unbuttoned his jeans and carefully lowered the zipper. She slowly pushed the jeans and boxers over his hips and down his legs, pulling them off along with his socks. She grabbed the towel from the edge of the bed and gently wiped the rain from his legs. Slowly she rubbed the towel up his body with tender loving care, admiring the view as she planted kisses along the way. She smiled with each moan and hiss from the kisses she left behind. Her hands gently rubbed the towel up his hips and behind, up his back and shoulders, then down his chest to his hips once more. Stepping back, her eyes roamed up and down his body, taking in the sight before her. Heat, desire, a thirst waiting to be quenched. She threw the towel on top of the pile of wet clothes, then ran her hands up his chest and around his neck, lacing her fingers through his wet hair. She pulled his head down to capture his lips and gave to him all the passion and fire she had denied them both for so long. *x*x*x*x*x* It amazed him that one kiss could set his body on fire. He craved her touch, her kisses, ached for her body to be close. His hands roamed her body then bunched the fabric of her shirt into fists, pulling her as close as possible. The ache he felt for her went straight through his heart and deep into his soul. He hugged her close and released her lips, panting for air as he laid his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes, drunk and dizzy from their heated kiss. He pulled back and slowly pulled her shirt up and over her head and tossed it to the floor. He slid her panties down her hips and legs, letting them pool around her feet. She stepped aside and he threw them on the pile. His eyes filled with raw desire from the sight of her naked body. His hands ran up her body as he stood, up and over her shoulders and down her chest, covering each breast. He silently worshipped her body with his mind, eyes, hands and lips as she stood naked before him. She gasped and moaned her pleasure when his lips covered a sensitive pebble. He suckled, nipped and licked tenderly, then lavished his attention to the other breast. His lips traveled up her chest, leaving wet kisses on her neck and chin, capturing her lips again. His hands did not stay idle, roaming her body until one hand slid down between her legs, cupping her gently and running a finger between the hot delicate folds. Her hips moved against his hand, inhaled sharply and shuddered, as his thumb circled the tiny bundle of nerves. In turn, her hand snaked down between their bodies and wrapped around his throbbing erection. His hips jerked when her thumb brushed across the tip. He removed his hand, picking her up and gently laid her on the bed. She let go of his lips and pulled him down on top of her small body so that his hips rested between her open legs. She wrapped them around his hips, running her hands down and around his waist. He propped his arms on each side of her and ran his thumb across her lips. No words were necessary as they looked deep within each others eyes. His hips began to move, his cock rubbing against her hot wet core. She moved her hands down his hips,cupping his ass and pulling him in. He dropped his head and slowly pushed inside. They both gasped and moaned as he buried himself deep within her. He raised his head and took her lips with a fevered kiss. She grabbed his ass tighter, pushing her hips up and plunging him deeper than before. He moaned and began slowly moving in and out. Their hips met, their lips parted, their eyes locked as the warmth deep inside began to burn. Her hands moved up his back around to his chest, then upward to cup his face and she smiled. She brushed away a tear that ran down his cheek. The walls around him tightened. She screamed his name as the spark turned into flames. One, two, three strokes. Time stopped as his mind whirled and heart raced. Flames of passion exploded and then he collapsed. ~x~x~x~x~x~ They lay spooned together listening to the rain. "Mulder?" "hmmm?" "When you close your eyes, do you really see me the way you described in the letter?" "Yes. I did." "Did?" "I don't have to close my eyes, anymore." She turned in his arms, giving him a big smile and a tender kiss. "Good answer Mulder," she giggled. Tonight silence was a blessing. The sound of rain against the window pane, the distant sound of thunder, the steady beating of his heart below her ear and the sound of her steady breath is the only sound they hear as they drift into contented slumber. When I close my eyes...........I dream of you. ~x~x~x~x~x~ Authors Note of Gratitude: To Lynn and Robin, for being there for me. My heartfelt thanks and gratitude for sticking with me. Believe me, this is a miracle in and of itself. Thanks dolls. And to Ninos and Rhetta, from my own little cheerleading section. Without you both I would not have the courage or even the words. Thanks for making it this far. Love it, hate it, just don't know? Let me know what you think anyway. Feedback always appreciated and accepted. xphilernj@aol.com Notes: Poem : I Close My Eyes was written by Melissa Maxwell. http://www.electpress.com/loveandromance/lpw-36.htm Letter #5: The letter was written by Author/Poet Ara John Movsesian and with permission, was slightly modified. http://www.electpress.com/loveandromance/page13.htm