From: "Lisa J." Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 22:44:38 GMT Subject: MSR Source: direct By: Scullystar(formerly Mithrandir) I decided going by this was easier since I attach it to everything else (c: Disclaimer: These characters are not mine and never will be mine (cries) They belong to the wonderful Chris Carter, and will always belong to him(cries). If I had a hold of them for just one day though....I'm telling ya'.... Rating: PG Archive anywhere as long as my name stays attached (c: Category: MSR Summery: Scully takes some time off to relax, recover and deal with some personal demons and Mulder can't handle the fact that she might not come back to him and the X-Files. He goes to ask her back and they end up in a huge discussion/ fight/ discussion about things between them and the almost kiss that was interrupted. From Mulder's POV When She Left xxxxxxxxxxxx Monday Nov. 22 1999 6:12 am Scully walked through the door that morning with a pale look on her face and tears in her blue eyes. Of course I was immediately concerned. My partner crying at work? Dana Scully crying at all was rare, but at work it was unheard of. I went to her and put a hand on her arm. "Scully, what's wrong? What happened?" " Mulder...I need to talk to you about something..." "Ok, go ahead", I said to her. She shook her head. " Not here. Can we go somewhere? For a walk?" "If it'll make you feel better, sure." Scully nodded her head and I grabbed my coat. xxxxxxxxxxx Reflecting Pool 6:50 a.m. We reached the Reflecting Pool and Scully began to walk on ahead of me without a word. I sprinted to catch up with her and placed my hand to the small of her back to lead her over to a bench. She shivered a little and I figured it was from the cold wind that was blowing. She sat down and I noticed the slump in her shoulders. I waited for her to start when she was ready, but I was anxious to hear what she had to tell me. " Mulder...I don't know how to tell you any of this..." " Take your time." I watched as she took a deep breath and before I knew what was happening, my world was crashing down around me. xxxxxxxxxxx " Wha...What? You're...leaving the X-Files?" I was speechless. It was a nightmare I had had one too many times and now it was coming true. Scully was going to leave me, and she might never come back. " Mulder...I can't do this anymore. Every night I have nightmares...I can't function in the mornings...I almost got into an accident this morning on my way here...I'm worn out and I'm tired and I'm drained. I need some time." I grew a little hopeful. "Some time? So, you're planning on coming back?" Scully made a sad attempt at smiling at me. " I'm not making any promises, Mulder. I'm sorry. I know this is sudden, but I need time to think things through. I hope you understand, Mulder." I let out a breath. " I understand, Scully. I'm sorry you're unhappy..." " It's not your fault, Mulder, I don't want you to think that." I nodded my head, but I didn't believe her. Of course it was my fault. I mean...look at everything that had gone wrong b/c of me since she had started working with me on the X-Files! She was kidnapped, her sister was shot, she got cancer, she had the only daughter she'd probably ever have taken away from her after such a short time with her, not to mention all the emotional and physical turmoil I've caused her...no wonder she wants to get away from me! I'm a walking personal curse to Dana Scully. I watched as Scully slowly took my hand in hers and smiled at me. " I've asked for some personal time off. I've explained the situation to Skinner as best as I could and he thinks it would be the best thing for me as well...I'm sorry to do this to you right now, but I think you can manage without me for a little while." *Don't bet on it* I mumbled. " Mulder?" she asked. " Uh...nothing, Scully. I guess you're leaving today then, huh?" " I was planning on it, yes. Look at it this way...the sooner I leave...the sooner I'm back." " I guess that's a good way to think about it," I agreed half-heartedly. " Will you call from time to time, Mulder? I'd really like to hear from you." I Looked at her for a minute and smiled. " Of course I'll call. Wouldn't want to find out you'd gone off and became some other paranoid outcast FBI agents partner or anything like that." Scully looked down then up at me with tears in her eyes. " Of course not, Mulder. We're the FBI's most unwanted after all...that's a job for two." Then Scully kissed me. Not like the kisses I'd dreamed of and imagined countless times before, but a simple soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. She got up from her seat on the bench beside me and brushed her hair behind her ear. " I'll talk to you soon, Mulder." And I watched her walk away. xxxxxxxxxxxx Thursday Dec. 2 1999 8:45 p.m. Mulder's Apartment It had been 10 days since Scully had decided she needed time away from everything and I was miserable. I had been lazy and bored and lonely. Mostly lonely. I hated it. I missed her. I know it's silly, and I should have been able to carry on like any other professional FBI agent, but I was going mad without her there. It was sort of like the time she went on vacation a couple of years ago and I ended up covering the ceiling with number 2 pencils. But this time it was heartache everytime I came in and she wasn't there because I knew that she might decide to never come back. So here I sat on my leather couch, re-heated 4-day-old pizza resting on a paper plate, watching the football game and I was starting to get depressed. I didn't want to eat my pizza, I didn't want to watch the game, I didn't want to be here in my small apartment by myself. I wanted to see Scully. I wanted to talk to her in person and be with her. I hadn't kept my promise to call her, and she hadn't called me, and I felt really disgusted with myself about it, but I knew that if I had called her I would have made a fool of myself begging her to come back. I had made up my mind that I was going to go over there tonight and talk to her. That was 3 hours ago. I don't think I have the nerve right now though. Missing her the way I have been only makes me remember why I feel so strongly about her leaving. Besides the fact that she's an excellent partner and wonderful to work with everyday...I love her. I don't exactly remember when I fell in love with her, but it seems like forever. We've been working together for almost seven years and not one day goes by when I don't wish that I could work up the nerve to say something to her. I don't think she took me seriously when I confessed my love while in a drug-induced daze after she found me in the ocean earlier this year. Not that I blame her. I wouldn't have taken myself seriously either after hearing the story I told. I took a deep breath and got up. Enough of this foolishness. I was going to go over to see her because I love her and I miss her and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm going over there and if anything else, I'm going to ask her to come back to the X-Files. Besides, I don't think I have the nerve to tell her anything else. Maybe if I go insane I'll tell her how I feel. I'd have to be insane to screw up our relationship like that since I know she would probably think I was crazy thinking she would ever love me back. I grabbed my coat and headed out into the snowy night xxxxxxxxxxx Scully's apartment 9:20 p.m. I stood outside Scully's apartment and waited for my rational self to kick in. To tell me that coming over here was stupid idea since I was all emotional and would probably say something stupid and ruin everything I had worked so hard to keep with Scully. Our Friendship, our partnership, the respect she had for me, and the respect I had for myself. I waited a few more seconds, but it didn't come, so I was forced to do this by myself without help from my rational self to keep me from blowing everything. I knocked three times and I knew she was looking at me through the fish-eye lens to see who it was at her door. She opened the door and stood in front of me looking beautiful as usual in a pair of jeans and a form fitting grey sweater. She smiled and asked me to come in. I knew I was going to do something incredibly idiotic so I walked past her trying no to look at her and smell her perfume. I threw my leather coat over the back of her couch and we stood facing eachother for a minute. " So, Mulder...what did you come by for?" she asked curiously. I thought of something to say but all I could come up with was, "I was in the neighborhood..." " Oh. Seems kind of out of the way of your apartment for you to be just 'in the neighborhood' as you put it." " Well, actually...I wanted to come by and see how you were doing." I said my, not looking at her directly. "You never called," she said, accusingly. "Yea...I'm sorry, Scully, I wanted to call...but I thought maybe you wanted time away without me calling every two seconds..." She nodded with a frown. "I wouldn't have asked you to call if I didn't want to hear from you." Now I really felt like a jerk. I took a breath. " Can we sit or something?" I asked. She nodded and sat down on the couch and I sat at the other end looking at her for some sort of clue as to what she might be feeling. She was stoned faced as we sat there and I was beginning to lose hope. I had come over to see her and to ask her what she thought about coming back to work, and there was nothing in her face her voice or her mannerisms that gave me any hint of what she thought on the matter. *I'll have to ask her straight out* I thought, with fear starting to grip me. I don't think I was this afraid ever in my life. Even when facing death, it was less unnerving than having to ask the woman I loved if she thought she would ever come back to me and the work we were so passionate about. " I guess...Scully...I guess I want to know if you were thinking of coming back." There I had asked. I felt a little better now that I had come right out and asked her. Scully looked at me and frowned. " Is that what all this is about?" She sighed. " I can't answer you right now, Mulder. I'm sorry. I wish I had an answer for you. There's so much I have to figure out." I looked at her and wanted to cry. " You've been away for ten days, Scully...I thought...I guess I figured you would have come back by now." I admitted. Scully nodded. "I thought the same thing. I think that being through so much lately...I needed to take a while and have a good long look at what I want and what I have. I have another 3 days before I make a decision and report to Skinner." " You aren't planning to come back, are you," I said softly. Scully looked a little upset. " I never said that," she said, her voice raising a little. " Then what, Scully? I mean, goddamn it, you leave and I don't know what's going on, I should have called I guess, but if you really wanted to, you could have called me too you know. I just want to know where this is going. I want to know if I should ever expect to see you at work again. I want to know where we stand. I deserve to know." I was angry. More at the situation that and Scully herself. I stood up and walked to the other end of the room toward the hallway. " Scully got up and walked over to me. " I'm sorry I'm taking so long, Mulder. I know you have a right to know what's going on, but it's been hard enough for me to decide whether or not to continue with my work to think about how you've been feeling. This is an awful thing to have to decide about. I don't want to leave Mulder but everything has been so screwed up lately! I need some time alone. I need to figure out what's best for me and what I want to do. This is my life and I can't always put my life on hold because you are having a hard time dealing, Mulder!" I stood there silent for a minute. She was right. I was being selfish. I knew she needed to take some time to be away from everything that was making her life hell and all I could think about was myself. * I'm such an ass* I thought. Scully looked at me and her eyes softened a little. " Look, Mulder, I don't know why you came here...I'm sure it wasn't to argue with me. I don't want to fight with you about this. I never said I wasn't coming back. I need time to make sure that coming back is the right thing for me to do. I needed to find out if it was worth everything that's happened in my life and with yours. I wanted to figure out if everything I've done has made me happy and what I have to go back for. I know it seems strange that I don't know already, but it's like I was just going on with life from day to day and not thinking about what I wanted for the future. I want to be happy with what I do, and I want to be able to figure out if what I'm doing is...what I really am happy doing." " I didn't know you felt like that, Scully. I'm sorry I came here to ask you back. I was just being selfish I guess. I know that if you left for good...I would have lost everything. I've lost so much but you were always the one thing I had. When you were taken and I thought I'd never get to see you again, I thought I was going to lose it. But you came back, and I thought it was going to be ok. The when you got cancer it seemed like that was it. You were dying and I was a mess because I knew how awful it was for you and how I felt about losing you was making me mad. Everything that's happened to you I know makes you stronger, because that's the way you are. You're the strongest person I know. Stronger than myself. I can't help feeling like you should be away from me and the X-Files everytime you're life is in danger, but at the same time, I know that without you there with me I can't do it alone. I don't want to do this alone. And the only person I want with me is you, Scully. So, yes, I am being selfish...but I can't help it. Not now. Not after everything we've been through together and the way I feel about you." I shut my mouth. I was telling her too much. Scully's cheeks were wet from tears that I didn't even notice until I ended my tirade. I grabbed a tissue from the box on her desk and wiped her tears away. It was the least I could do for her at this point. She looked up at me and almost smiled. " How do you feel about me, Mulder? I'm so confused about that. Sometimes I know you want me with you by your side, working with you and being with you for everything, then there are other times, when I'm so lost, and I don't know if you ever wanted me to be your partner to begin with. Everything that's happened in the past year has made me really think about what I feel about you...I mean...it might have been our emotions getting the better of us, but we almost kissed in front of your apartment last year. We never talked about it after everything happened...what did that mean?" I took a deep breath and placed my hands on her upper arms. "It meant so much, Scully. I think about that all the time and try to imagine what would have happened if it had turned out differently and we had ended up kissing eachother. I wanted to kiss you, and it wasn't because we were both emotional and not thinking straight. I meant every word I said to you, and I still mean it. I think about what could have happened between us then and I regret not talking to you about it. It meant so much to me that we had become that close. I know that if there wasn't more than friendship between us...that whole thing never would have happened...but it did. And I'm not sorry about it, but I am sorry that we didn't even talk about it up until now. Knowing what could have been and how much it would have made me happy makes it a bittersweet memory, but it's something I will never forget for the rest of my life." Scully smiled at me then and came toward me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tightly. I smiled and hugged her back, resting my chin on the top of her head. Scully raised her head to look at me and I smiled down at her. Everything was going to be ok. "I think that if we hadn't been interrupted, that kiss would have made me the happiest woman on Earth. I'm really sorry we never got the chance to finish what we started because...I really wanted you to kiss me, Mulder." I noticed Scully's face had turned a little red, but her eyes were not embarrassed at all. They were unmoving and strong and looking at me with such emotion. I touched her face with the tips of my fingers and smiled at her. "I didn't think coming here would turn up so many memories and bear so many emotions. But I'm glad it did. I'm glad we talked about it, Scully. It was killing me thinking about what could have been and not knowing how you felt about it all. I came here to ask you to come back to work. I know that my motives might have been selfish, but I want you to know that the X-Files would be nothing without you there working on them with me and challenging me the way you do. It wouldn't be the same without you because I would miss you so much. You're my best friend. You're the best friend I have ever had, but more than that...I love you. I love you with everything and I've felt this way for years now. I don't know why it took you almost not coming back to make me realize what you mean to me, but I hope you aren't mad at me and understand me better now." Scully looked at me and a smile stretched across her face. " Mulder, I love you too. And I'm not upset with you. I'm glad this happened. I was beginning to think that I was being silly. I do love you. I've loved you for a long time, and I guess I never thought you would feel the same about me. Then what happened between us in the hall last year confused me so much because after everything, we never talked about it or even brought it up and I was beginning to think that I was foolish for loving you. I'm glad you came by to ask me back, and I do want to come back to work with you. I love you and there's no place I'd rather be than with you." I tilted Scully's head upward by her chin and I placed a kiss on that perfect full mouth of hers. I was bursting when I felt her kissing me back, and we smiled at eachother shyly when we pulled away. "Does this mean what I think it means, Scully?" Scully smiled and laughed a little. "I certainly hope so," she said and kissed me again as she led me down the hall. xxxxxxxxxxx Scully came back to work the next day. I was a little surprised to see her walk in since I was under the impression that she wasn't due back in for another 3 days. "Good morning, Agent Mulder," she said and I stood up and went over to her. She kissed me lightly on the mouth and just smiled. " I didn't expect you in for a few more days," I admitted. " Well, I decided that in light of certain events that took place last night, I should come in and make sure you were still able to function properly." " Was there any question about that last night?" I asked with a grin. She was teasing...I liked it. " Oh, no...certainly no question about it last night. I was just making sure you were able to get into work without collapsing." I pulled her against me and kissed her. " I was fine this morning and I'm quite fine right now," I said, not without a hint of innuendo. She grinned up at me and pulled away, heading for the coffee machine. "Now, now, Agent Mulder...you're just going to have to wait until after work." "Is that a promise?" I asked. She nodded. "A definite promise." After the initial banter we actually got down to work. There was a new case we were handed, and it looked promising and interesting. There was a new feeling in the room too. It was like a weight had been lifted from both of our shoulders and it seemed lighter and happier, even in the basement office. There we were. The FBI's most unwanted together again. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx END! Feedback is a required part of my daily life and part of this balanced breakfast. e-mail me at Scullystar@hotmail.com Mulder: Scully, I was like you once--I didn't know who to trust. Then I chose another path, another life, another fate where I found my sister. The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside-down. There was one thing that remained the same. You. . .were my friend and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant, my touchstone. Scully: And you are mine. -Mulder and Scully, "Amor Fati"-The X-Files