Title: A Whisper Author: audreycats@aol.com (AudreyCats) Date: 4 Sep 1997 04:27:56 GMT~ Disclaimer: Yeah, a pain in the butt, but (no pun intended!) also necessary. Here's the deal. I like Mulder, Scully, and CSM. In fact, I want them. So, CC, here's the official question: can I have them?? Please?? Yesterday was my birthday... So they're not mine, get it? Categories: MSR, so all you non-believers in the land of 'shippiness, get out while you can!!! And, a little bit of Angst. Archive: Yes All comments to: AudreyCats@aol.com Contsructive criticism sought for, but please don't bash it, okay? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A Whisper by AudreyCats Scully looked down at her hands. The hands that had once leafed through files, investigated countless cases, even pulled the trigger once or twice. But that was all over now. The IV that ran from one hand to the hanging sac of fluid beside the hospital bed constantly reminded her of that. The other hand, though free of IVs or ID bracelet, still looked bony and pale, the result of severe and extreme treatments. Funny, she thought to herself, she was supposed to be the one not open to "extreme possibilities". And now those were the only things keeping her alive. Not physically alive, of course, none of them had worked. But they had given her hope, one thing without which she knew she could not have lived. She brutally brushed away the tears that were beginning to form. She would have none of that now. She had to be strong. For his sake, if not for her own. Him. How many times had he come up in her thoughts these days? How many times had she come up in his? If only- But the thought was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Scully?" came the all-too-familiar voice. But this time it seemed different, pained. "Come in," she whispered hoarsely, hoping her own voice did not betray the same emotion. She cleared her throat and collected herself as her partner entered the room. "That was quick," she remarked. "Hope I didn't drag you away from anything important," she smiled. He was the only one she had called at 2 A.M. when she was given the news. "Nah. Just sleep deprivation." He forced another pained smile as concern slowly crept over his face. "What did they-? How long-? When did-?" But he found it impossible to complete any coherent thoughts. Scully sighed. She would have scolded him to spit it out, but she didn't have to. She knew what he was asking. "They say I have about 24 hours or so. Maybe less." Mulder's face noticeably dropped. Leave it to Scully to be brutally honest. Yet somehow, her voice remained calm, her expression emotionless. How could she stay like that at a time like this? He didn't know whether to be awed or angry. Part of him wanted to force her to tell him everything. Give her a shoulder to cry on. But he knew that she'd probably smack him if he did. He had never doubted her strength, and now he knew why. "Mulder, I, I have something I need to say." He nodded, glad to focus his attention on her rather than his own thoughts. "I'm listening, Scully." "Promise me you won't interrupt, that you'll let me finish, okay?" Again, he nodded. At that point, he would have done anything for her, this was the least he could do. "I need you to hear this from me, and I think we've come such a long way that I can say this to you openly." Scully looked down at her hands, and for the first time in his life Mulder could have sworn she seemed uncomfortable to tell him something. "When we first started working together, I felt I had finally found somewhere where I was treated as an equal." He nodded, if not physically, mentally. The thought mirrored his own, if modified somewhat. "And that's why, at first, I tried to stay far away from crossing the line with you. I knew that what I had found was special, and that I couldn't give up anything for our partnership. And I felt that you had come to the same conclusion, if hesitantly." She looked up at him for the first time, her eyes seeking his approval. Another first. He gave them a reassuring glance, and blinked his own heavily. She swallowed, and looked back at her hands, which were now clasped in her lap. "And so that's where it stayed. I guess somewhere deep inside I convinced myself that I could stay in control as long as I wanted, and that I could take the relationship further if ever I felt it was right." She paused, and looked at him with sad eyes. "I didn't figure on you." To anyone else, she would have looked completely in control. But Mulder could see she was breaking down inside. Her glance shifted to the blank wall in front of her as she fought off tears. "After awhile, it took all the strength I had not to tell you how I felt. You made it so hard not to. You know, Mulder, being able to read you so well does have its disadvantages. I tried to tell myself that telling you would make it worse. That you wouldn't feel the same way. But, and I hope I'm not dreadfully wrong, I saw that you did." She looked straight at him, and he could feel her eyes boring deep into his soul. And he could feel that she knew. She knew he loved her, with all of his being. He wanted to tell her, but dutifully obeyed her wishes for his silence. "Seeing you every day became so painful that I guess I just shut down inside. I forced myself not to feel anything. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. I don't look to the future anymore, because there isn't one for me. And I hope what I've just said won't ruin yours." Another long pause as she took a deep breath, something that was becoming harder by the hour. "I didn't say anything before, because I felt the possible prize wasn't worth the risk of losing you completely. And now I'm going to anyway." He saw her eyes look at him and was surprised at the growing determination in them. "But Mulder, I'll be damned if I'm going to die without telling you I love you." There. She'd said it. He had the cards now, and his move determined the ending of the game. The game that was growing so more important every minute. She prepared herself for being scolded, for being confessed to, or even for being abandoned. But he did the one thing she hadn't planned on. He leaned over and he kissed her. The kiss she'd been waiting forever to receive, the kiss he'd been waiting forever to give. And it showed. It was as if a dam had broken loose and everything that had been held back for years was suddenly rushing forward to be acknowledged. And by now, the tears she's been holding back for so long were running freely down her face, and, by extension, his. She pulled away suddenly, and regretted it instantly. Her face was confusion, her voice, unsure. "Fox Mulder, why did you do that?" He smiled at last, a full-fledged one, and found himsef chuckling. "Look, Scully. I may have been as easy to read as an elementary schoolbook for you, but you've always been a mystery to me. You knew how I felt, but I was always in the dark. I never thought it possible you could love me back. My love for you was never in question, so when yours wasn't, either..." He drifted off, his tone apologetic. He looked back at her questioning eyes. "I love you. I always have." He paused, and looked down. "I always will." Scully found herself unable to respond to his confession, and instead focused herself on him. "Mulder, there's something you're not telling me." Again, he found himself amazed at her ability to read him, even at a time like this. He smiled at her, a smile so contagious it soon caught on. "What?" "Scully, you're not dying." He watched her face turn to pain, and realized she was reading too much into his statement. "No, Scully, I mean it. I'm not trying to be symbolic here. I don't mean you'll live forever in my memory, or my heart. I mean you're not dying." She took his hand and shook her head. "You're the psychology major, Mulder. Can't you identify denial when you see it? Look. It's hard for me too, but I-" "Scully! Listen to me! I ran into Dr. Moron out there, he was about to come tell you the news himself. I can't remember all the medical terms and such, but he said you were getting better. The tumor is dying. He said he'd noticed it yesterday, but that he'd thought it was a computer malfunction or something. He doesn't know how it happened, but it did." "What you're saying has no medical explanation to go by. Tumors don't suddenly get smaller. It just doesn't work that way." He was getting more determined by the second, as she was getting weaker. But he didn't give up. "I tracked Cancer Man down yesterday. I'd done it before, and I did it again. I threatened him. I spent the past month doing research, and pulling every string you or I ever had to find him. And I did. I found stuff on him that I promised to reveal to the press if you didn't get better. I got your call, and I figured he just couldn't make it happen. But when I found Dr. What's His Face out there looking like he'd just performed a miracle, claiming it was one of those extreme treatments, I realized he'd done it." "So why didn't Dr. Walters, that's his name, by the way, come and tell me himself?" She could see Mulder try to hide his blush as he looked down. "That was my fault. I figured you might tell me something like this, and so I asked him to let me tell you myself. He's coming back in a couple of minutes. But what gets me is that it took you to think you were dying to tell me what you just did." He let the news sink in for a moment, and he knew she was thinking it out. "You mean, you let me go on about everything and didn't tell me the truth?" He flashed a sheepish grin. "Fine, kill me for it. But at least kiss me first, okay?" She found her anger disappearing when she saw his little boy face, and was just about to reach for him again when Dr. Walters came striding in, pride obvious in his expression. "I guess you've heard, Dana. I'm still not quite sure how it happened, but I think it was the hormone treatment, mixed with the experimental chemotherapy. I'd be glad to have your medical opinion, as well, but first we'll need to run the necessary tests. And I hope you won't mind if I submit this case to the Harvard Medical Journals, as well?" "Dr. Walters, you can have my opinion, you can have my case, you can have my tests, but I'm going to have to ask you to get me out of this hospital first. I have some unfinished business to take care of." She shot a look to kill at Mulder. "You're not afraid I won't come back, are you?" She flashed him her most seductive, sugary-sweet smile, figuring this one was easy to sweet-talk. She was right, and he in turn blushed. "No, I'm not. I'll have a lot of explaining to do to the board, though. I do wish you'd stay. It's just for a couple of days. Just to make sure." "Dr. Walters, I'm afraid I need those couple of days, for other things. I am now asking you a personal favor. And I promise I'll come back if I feel the tiniest hint of anything going wrong." She flashed another fake smile, and could tell he was giving in. "Given the circumstances, and your credentials, I will let you go. As long as you promise to stay with someone who could take care of you and bring you here should anything go wrong. I don't want you to be alone." She glanced sideways at her partner and tried not to laugh outloud. "I think that can be arranged." She began getting out of the bed, and took particular pleasure of ripping out that horrid IV. She grabbed her clothes and rushed into the tiny bathroom to change. Outside, Dr. Walters looked at Mulder with curious eyes. "You'll take care of her, won't you?" "Cross my heart." With that answer, the doctor shuffled out of the room, obviously out of things to say. The door to the bathroom opened, and Mulder stood. "Ready?" "God, get me out of here as fast as you can," she replied. Mulder started to lead her out the room with his hand on the small of her back, when she stopped and turned to face the now-unoccupied bed. She whispered words he couldn't hear, looked up at him, and smiled. The two walked down the hallway, side by side, oblivious to the night nurses looking at them with sympathetic smiles. "Scully?" She turned her head. "Yeah?" "What did you say back there? You know, in the room?" She smiled, a smile that intrigued him further. "You're not going to tell me, are you?" he guessed as they arrived in the parking garage. "Nope. Where are you parked?" He smiled the same smile right back at her.