From: mobius1013 Date: 25 Nov 2000 05:49:32 GMT Subject: NEW: Whispers Of Loneliness...PG13 Title: Whispers Of Loneliness (1/1) Author: Mobius1013 Feedback: Yes. Please send to: Mobius1013@AOL.com Rating: PG-13 Distribution: Wherever - just let me know. Spoilers: Through season seven Disclaimer: Characters owned by Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and 20th Century Fox. Summary: Internal Scully dialogue about her life without Mulder. That day has come. The one that I never wanted to come. It came and with it you left. But not of your own volition. Of course not. You told me you would never, could never, leave me. Not after the resolutions we came to, not after the sharing we did, not after....that night. And all the nights that followed. I look within myself to see what lies left in the field that we both plowed. I see nothing of consequence until I remember the spot you claimed as your own. It is then I remember, that is forever your spot inside and out. Touched by you, claimed by you, loved.....by only you. How can we not come to find each other in the end? Who are we to question what was meant to be? I miss you with each day that passes and I know that one-day soon you will come to me. Be it in my dreams or my wake and you will wash away the tears that have kept me company in your absence. They have kept me strong for you, you know. They have been my constant and my touchstone, my connection to you. With each tear that I shed I know that yours is matching mine. I feel you in my mind, probing and pressing upon my conscience, willing me to hear you call my name out in whispers of loneliness. I call out to you the same way. I cry to you each day and night. When the day is coming to a close, I take it up inside my mind and wait for you to come. Your presence willingly takes form as pictures before my mind^^s eye and I see us on a baseball field pressed close together, the feel of your arms around me washes me in the color of love. If I strain hard enough I can smell you, taste you. Then it whisks me to another time and I see us making love on the hood of our rental car in the middle of the dessert. The twilight playing ghost with your eyes. Then sudden as it were, I am back to this, back to here. I look around and see that I have fallen asleep in your bed again. It smells of you, of us and our love. I don^^t want to leave for fear that if I come away it will cease to exist for me and I will not be able to return to this. And with it leaving, it will take all the memories of you I have left. I make myself promise not to forget you. Then I realize that I could never forget you. You are a part of me. I carry that part of you inside of me each day. In my heart and in my womb. There are so many things you left behind, but there is only one that you didn^^t know about. Fear not, my love, this child will know of you, about you. He will have a sense of who you are to me and what you will become to him. You are his daddy. Daddy...what a significant word. How funny it tastes coming off of my tongue. It doesn^^t roll off suddenly like maybe it should. I never thought I would hear that word in association with you and me. I never thought I would hear the name of mommy in my lifetime. But here we are, thrown together by our bond, our love, our work and ourselves. How do I tell you about this? How can I explain to you what has taken place with us? My mind pecks at me and forces me to tell someone more than just Skinner about this. But the look of reproach and acceptance is not something that I want from the guys about now. I can no more look in their eyes with this truth than I could look into yours the first time it came about. Now, now I could, but not then. I am holding up, Mulder. I really am. But it seems so hard to be the strong person that you see me as. I want to feel your eyes caressing me with their faithfulness. I want to feel your arms surround me and keep me safe from that world in which I live. I want to feel you with me again. I am breaking slowly without you to hold me together. I feel it in my bones, I feel it in my soul. I will find you, Mulder, I have to. Not just for me, but for our child that is inside of me, in that place that you claimed as yours years and years ago. You said you were never sure of my love for you in the beginning, Mulder. But be sure of this, I *am* yours. I will always be yours, just as you will always be mine. For now we are only separated by time. Together in death as in life. This is only a winter to us...a little death. Finding you will be our spring, our rebirth. Feedback is welcome...more to come....:)