From: "Carol Templeton" Date: Sun, 03 May 1998 10:35:55 PDT Subject: Who Doesn't Know Marita? - X-F/Wiseguy X-over Pts 1&2 RE-SEND Roger's Visit to D.C PART 1 - PRELUDE FBI agent Fox Mulder accepted the collect call charges from Lynchboro with some reservation: "Put him through", he sighed to the female operator. "I just wanted to see if you'd accept a collect call from me, Buckwheat!" Roger Lococco's now familiar voice came over the line. "What's the matter?" Mulder asked sarcastically. "Don't you have a quarter?" "Nope", Lococco laughed, "but I do have my eye on something to add to your collection of occult artifacts? Interested?..." "Well, I dunno", Mulder said doubtfully. "Can I trust you today, Roger?" "Absolutely, Buckwheat!" I'm arranging a meet with my contact. Now let me give you the details..." THE NEXT DAY "Er, this is somewhat unexpected, sir", an embarrassed Dana Scully stammered, wishing she could escape Assistant Director Skinner's office. "It's just dinner, Agent Scully", Skinner persisted, knowing full well it was bed he had in mind. "Well, I've some important research to do...Agent Mulder and I are working on something and I'm expecting to hear from him soon...I wouldn't want to miss his call." she lied. Skinner grew increasingly irritated at Scully's skittishness. He had lusted after this remote, red-haired goddess for years, and now was his chance. "Are you refusing me, Agent Scully?" he asked, feigning sadness. "There's enough gossip at the Bureau" she replied evasively. "Well", Skinner signed. "I hope it's not because you're harbouring secret feelings for Agent Mulder...". She blushed uncontrollably. "You're out of line, sir!" "Just don't want you to get hurt." he said, turning his back on her. "Dismissed". "What do you mean?" she demanded. "I mean...Agent Mulder...is married..." he said carefully. "M-married!" Scully demanded, shocked. "No, that's impossible! I would know! Mulder is my partner. We...we're very close..." Skinner could barely contain his glee. She was devastated, and he intended to be there to take advantage of her vulnerability. "I know, Agent Scully...", Skinner said soothingly. He's really strung you along. The fact is, Mulder and Marita were married long before you two became partners..." "M-MARITA!" she gasped. "How about that dinner on Friday?" a jubilant Skinner persisted. "I will let you know, sir..." she stammered as she wandered out of his office in shock. PART TWO - A DAY LATER "Miss Scully?" a familiar voice asked as Scully answered Mulder's phone. The immediately annoyed Scully paused as she tried to control her irritation. "Well, let's see...there's only one person I know her addresses me as "Miss", even though I am a federal agent and a medical doctor. What can I do for you, Roger?" Roger Lococco winced. "Sorry, ma'm." he apologized. Damn! Why couldn't he remember to address her properly? When I was a young recruit, the only women around were secretaries, and we always addressed them as "Miss" or "Ma'm. Is your partner around? I told him I'd call him there today." Scully jumped as Mulder burst into the office. "Is that Lococco?" he demanded as he grabbed the phone without waiting for an answered and pressed the speaker button. "Did you get it?" he shouted into the phone as he dug into his filing cabinet. "Yea, I got it, Buckwheat!" Roger was heard to say. "Great!" Now get yourself over hear! You'll be perfectly safe. I've arranged for a guest pass for you by mis-spelling your name. There will be no bells and whistles in the Bureau's database." Mulder promised. "You'd better hope Skinner doesn't catch you here, Roger!" Scully added. "Just what are you two boys up to, anyway?" "It's about a little piece of jewelry, ma'm." Roger said patronizingly. "A crystal used in the Macumba sect of a Brazilian voodoo cult. Some people believe it has a soul in it. Mulder wanted in for his collection." PART THREE Roger Lococco arrived at Mulder and Scully's office after lunch. Amused by the hidden basement locale, Roger smirked as he pushed open the office door to find Scully sitting at Mulder's desk. "Afternoon, ma'm." he said politely as he gazed at her suggestively. "You're looking well..." "What do you want?" she demanded coldly. "Where's Buckwheat?" he asked, marvelling at the size of their tiny office. "I've got his trinket...say it's real cozy in here"... "How should I know!" she replied angrily. "He's probably off somewhere with...Marita!" "Marita!" Roger exclaimed, as his narrow eyes widened considerably. "Yes!" Scully replied bitterly. "She's blonde...works at the U.N. Do you know her?" "Ah, yes...yea, yea!" Roger said wistfully, as if he was remembering something pleasant. Then he snickered quietly, "Who doesn't know Marita?" "Well, Mulder sure knows her -- he's married to her!" she spat. "Buckwheat?" Roger scoffed. "Married to Marita? Well I'll be damned!" he exclaimed. He was seeing Mulder in a new light. Just then Mulder entered the office. "Roger, about time." he said, completely ignoring Scully. "Did you bring the crystal?" "Sure did, Buckwheat! -- I risked a lot coming here. I'm persona non grata in D.C." Roger replied. "But for you, anything -- you're my kind of guy!" he crowed admiringly as he slapped Mulder on the back. "What are you talking about?" Mulder demanded impatiently, desperate to see the crystal. "The way I see, Buckwheat", Roger replied lazily, "is that a man should consider himself lucky to have a lady like Miss Scully...but you...you've got Marita the Maneater too! Two gorgeous women! Roger whistled appreciatively. "Buckwheat...you sure know how to pick em!" "I see you've been talking to Scully." Mulder said resentfully, as he held out his hand for the crystal. He was sick of the icy atmosphere Scully was perpetuating between them -- the last 24 hours had been hell. "You know, Fox.." Roger said as he dug into the pocket of his #13 jacket, "Marita was a real sweet thing in pre-Glasnost America. Herb Ketcher and I.." "Uh.." Mulder interrupted. "Why don't you tell me where you got this thing from?"... "I told you! I got it from a friend. He doesn't like voodoo charms, so he unloaded it on me. I knew you'd be interested in it, Mulder" he replied. But Roger wasn't finished on the subject of Marita... "Buckwheat, I always pegged you as Miss Scully's lap dog, but I was wrong. It would take quite a man to tame Marita, unless SHE tamed you.." "Roger, this is none of your business and I'm sure Scully doesn't want to hear this.." the mortified Mulder said sharply as he tried to concentrate on the crystal. "Does this thing really have the power to drive someone insane?" "I DO SO want to hear this!" Scully insisted. "Go on, Roger"... "Well," Roger chuckled. "I heard stories about Marita getting so hooked on a guy she'd drop something in his drink. Next thing the guy knew he was waking up in a Vegas honeymoon motel - with her!" Mulder winced. "Are you speaking from personal experience, Roger?" he asked distractedly..."By the way, your friend, the one who gave you the crystal, is he the one from organized crime?.." Ignoring Mulder's attempts to dodge the conversation, Roger nodded sympathetically at Scully. "Maybe it WAS true love, ma'am" he pressed. "I can see how even a firecracker like Marita could fall for Buckwheat's helpless charm..but you'd know more about that than I would, Miss Scully..." "Roger.." Mulder warned... "No..I wouldn't know.." a humiliated Scully said coldly as she got up to leave. "Enjoy your trip back to Lynchboro" she said rudely, dismissing Roger. "And as for you, you NERD!" she sniped nastily at Mulder. "I've put up with your suggestive comments for years. You wanted to pick out china patterns with me, you undressed in front of me, you asked me about my dates...and all the time you were married...to HER! Well, you'll have to excuse me...I'm going home to get ready for my dinner date with Skinner.." With that, she waltzed out of the office. "She sure is mad at you, Fox", Roger chuckled. "But now that the little lady's left the room, why don't you come clean, man to man...?" ....TO BE CONTINUED.... ************************************************************** Roger's Visit to DC -- A Wiseguy/X-Files Crossover When we last left our story, Roger Lococco had arrived at the FBI to deliver the Macumba crystal to Fox Mulder, his newly acquired friend. In Mulder and Dana Scully's office, he was intrigued to discover himself in the middle of a domestic dispute between them. Scully had just learned that Mulder had been secretly married to the mysterious Marita, who unbeknownst to Mulder, was Roger's old flame. Part 3 "I'm not going to discuss my personal life with you, Roger! Now, let's go before I change my mind about driving you to the airport!" Mulder said firmly. "Okay, Buckwheat." Roger replied. "Besides, I NEED to get out of here." he said, while casting a wary eye on Mulder's 'I Want to Believe' poster. Once in the car, Roger continued to prod Mulder for information. "So how long have you and the sweet thing been partners?" he inquired casually. "It's been a few years..." Mulder replied evasively. "And you've been married to Marita all that time." Roger guessed. "Y-yes..." Mulder finally admitted. He knew this business with Marita would muck up his life sooner or later! "Well, how often do you 'play house' with her?" the amused Lococco pursued shamelessly. "Well....I..." Mulder stammered. "You know, I've been busy ever since being assigned to X-Files....Weeks away have turned into months..." he finished lamely. "You disappoint me, Fox!" Roger chided. "You've ignored your beautiful wife and tried to deny her existence! If you were a more attentive husband, you'd have no need for those girlie magazines I saw in your office today!" Mulder was stung by the truth of Roger's remarks, and he wondered what else the sharp-eyed mercenary had seen in his office. "I find it ironic that you, a former contract killer, would lecture me on morality!" Mulder said resentfully. "Okay, so I'm not perfect!" Roger conceded merrily. "But at least I have enough class to know that a guy doesn't leave porno mags out in the open for a lady like Miss Scully to see!" "Keep talking..." the offended Mulder warned, "and you'll walk the rest of the way to the airport!" "Still," Roger continued, undaunted, "it must be real convenient for a busy guy like you -- being gone for weeks at a time and then picking up with Marita right where you left off!" he winked at Fox. "But it just goes to show that you're quite a man, Mulder," he said enviously. "There's something about YOU that made her want to say 'I Do'. Lots of guys would have loved to have been tricked into marriage with her! She must have wanted you bad!" "Would you mind your own business, please!" the exasperated Mulder demanded. "Roger, do your mob bosses pay you to interfere with other people's personal lives? Do you even HAVE a job?" Mulder's words hurt. It was true, he really didn't have much to do these days in Lynchboro. He had a good time when Mulder and Scully showed up to investigate Volcek as part of an old x-file. They weren't able to pin anything on the eccentric "old man", of course, but in the meantime, Roger had struck up a relationship with both agents. Mulder was an oddball, but Roger liked him tremendously, and he enjoyed pushing the feisty Dana Scully's buttons. He had forgotten how much fun it was to have Feds for friends. "Okay, I shouldn't be talking about your wife, like this." Roger apologized. "You've got bigger worries, like Miss Scully's dinner date with Assistant Director Skinner". Mulder slammed his foot on the brakes of the car. "That's it!" he yelled. "Out of the car! You can walk to the airport!" Roger calmly got out of the car, followed by Mulder, who pulled the Macumba crystal out of his pocket. "My life is blowing up in my face!" he exclaimed irrationally. "And it's because of this thing, isn't it? Skinner must have told Scully about me and Marita. The guy just doesn't like me, and the longer I work for him, the worse it gets...." he complained. "That thing works only if you believe in it, Buckwheat." Roger snickered. If your life is screwed up, it's your fault, not the crystal's". "You think so?" Mulder asked with uncertainty. "Look, Buckwheat..." Roger said soothingly as he took the car keys from Mulder's hand and led him to the passenger seat. "You can take the rest of the day off, cant' you? My flight isn't until tonight, and I know a roadhouse in Virginia where we can get something to eat and have some fun." "Okay..." Mulder said weakly. May as well go with Lococco, he thought. It would help to take his mind of Scully and Skinner's date. "It's called the 'Big Star'", Roger said as he started the car. "Only do my a favour, Fox? Strip down to your tee shirt. If you go in there wearing Armani, you'll get us both beat up!" Part 4 It didn't take Roger long to find our all that he wanted to know about Mulder and Marita's marriage, including Marita's current address. Over the next few hours, Mulder indulged in beer, Wild Turkey and the Big Star's famous hamburger special. Roger discreetly sipped at only two beers, mindful that he would be driving at the end of the night. A blotto Mulder willingly spilled the details of his secret life: Her had indeed after a brief acquaintance, married Marita in Vegas. At first he was so humiliated by the quickie Vegas circumstances surrounding the marriage, that he rarely went home to her and did nothing to end it. Soon, he liked the idea of his secret marriage -- it mad him feel superior to those at the Bureau who considered him a geek. Long separations ultimately had him thinking about divorce, but Marita had never brought it up, and he was afraid the tacky Vegas story would become public if he pursued divorce action. "If this gets out I'll be the laughing stock of the Bureau!" Mulder confided to the now highly entertained Lococco. "Aren't you that already, Fox?" he chuckled. Roger had noticed, however, that Mulder stopped short of revealing any details regarding his relationship with Dana Scully, which disappointed him. "I understand why you're reluctant to divorce Marita, Fox. After all, I've heard her bedroom skills are second to none," he baited Mulder, "but if you want my advice, I'd sort things out with Marita before picking out china patterns with Miss Scully! And don't go denying that you're hooked on her -- I could tell that when I first met you two in Lynchboro!" Mulder lifted his head from the table and squinted hazily at Roger, wondering how the man had suddenly become so involved in his personal life. "Did you sleep with Marita, Lococco? And who is Herb Ketcher?" Mulder asked suddenly, catching Roger off guard. Roger hesitated. "He'd had quite an intense affair with young Marita back in the 80s, but he wasn't about to reveal that to her husband! "Herb Ketcher was my boss.." he finally answered. "He thought Marita was a commie but he couldn't resist her in the sack!". Mulder grimaced in disgust. He long-held fear that his wife had a reputation was now confirmed. But he was not too drunk to notice Roger's archaic use of the word "commie". He wondered how a saavy guy like Lococco could seem so out of touch. "You're stuck in a time warp, Roger!" Mulder slurred. "What's this about commies and pre-Glasnost America? "No different than your little obsession with flying saucers." Roger countered mockingly. A wave of beer-induced nausea passed over Mulder as he pulled on the Macumba crystal, now on a chain around his neck. "This thing is making me feel really sick!" he whined. LATER...AT MULDER'S APARTMENT Amused to find Mulder had no bed, and as the FBI agent was already asleep, Roger deposited him on to the floor and took the couch for himself. He awoke early next morning to find Mulder still dead to the world on the floor. He examined Mulder's cell phone and pressed one of the speed dial buttons, certain it would connect him to either Dana Scully or Marita. Either way, this was going to be fun. "M-miss Scully?" Roger asked, trying hard to suppress a chuckle as he recognized the sleepy voice at the other end of the line. "I know it's only 7 a.m., ma'am, but your partner is in a bad way. I thought I should call you since you were kind enough to remind me that you're a doctor..." Roger flinched at the angry reply. "Well, to make a long story short ma'am", he said politely as he could, "the Macumba crystal started to affect him. He got crazy...irrational......I KNOW you don't believe in the stuff, Miss Scully, but your partner is gullible, and it isn't the first time I've seen it happen...No, Miss Scully, I did not provoke him!" "The only way to settle him down was to get a drink into him...no, we went to a roadhouse, the 'Big Star' ...well he had a bit too much Wild Turkey, so I brought him home..." It was all Roger could do to keep from laughing. "But, Miss Scully!" I thought you should at least come over to take his temperature...Okay...two aspirin and you'll see him in the office on Monday morning...sorry to have troubled you, ma'am." He pitied Mulder for the frosty reception he was likely to get from the humourless Dana Scully. Still, he understood why Buckwheat was hung up on the uptight redhead. Not only was she a looker, but she was smart, and definitely not easy! "No...I'll be returning to Lynchboro this morning, ma'am." he lied. I've already outstayed my welcome, but would you mind doing me a favour and remind Mulder that his clothes are in the trunk of his car? I'd tell him only he's still passed out on the floor..." After ending the call with the furious Scully, and memorizing her phone number, Roger left Mulder with his car keys, the crystal, and a bottle of aspirin. As he threw another blanket on Mulder, he chuckled to himself as he thought of the reaction the worthless piece of jewelry had elicited from Mulder. He marvelled that Mulder and Scully were actually paid to investigate science fiction hoaxes. But now he was headed for Marita's Washington apartment, thanks to the hapless Mulder, who had revealed her address at the roadhouse. There were surely easier ways for a man to look up an old flame, but once Roger had discovered Mulder's secret marriage to Marita, he couldn't resist playing the game. After all, this was the most fun he'd had since framing Vinnie Terranova for murder! End.