From: Michelle Shuttlesworth Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 00:36:18 -0800 (PST) Subject: xfc: Why Stay? (1/1) Source: xfc From: Michelle Shuttlesworth Title: Why Stay? Author: Michelle Shuttlesworth E-Mail Address: mshuttlesworth@y... Distribution: Anywhere, just let me know if you have not already asked once. Spoiler: Minor to almost nonexistent reference to 'The Field Where I Died'. (I mention one name. Whoop-de-do.) Rating: PG Classification: VAR Keywords: Scully's POV Summary: Mulder asks Scully a question and she has to think about it first. Disclaimer: With the exception of the summary, no one from XF is mentioned by name, but just in case, I don't own them, never have, never will. **************************************** "Why don't you leave?" I cannot believe you have uttered these words to me, yet, here you stand before me, looking to me for an answer. If only it were that simple. If only I could look you in the eye and tell that I am still here for a specific reason. Too bad it's not as simple as that. Truth to be told, I don't know why I'm still here. Still by your side. After all these years of heartache and fear, I still find myself at a loss to explain why I have not left you long ago. I could blaim it on loyalty, but we both know that is a lie. The rational reasons for loyalty flew out the window long ago. I suppose I could say I'm here for the friendship, which I do value above all else, but that would be cheating us out of everything else. True, we are friends, best friends in fact, but even best friends seperate. Even the best of friends move on with tears, of course, but they can move on. I do not think either of us could move on without the other. It would be devistating to me. It would be devistating to him. We would both be destroyed. I almost laugh as my thoughts turn to spontaneous human combustion, although the laughter dies in my throat when I realize something. There would be nothing spontaneous about it. It would have a cause. The loss of my friend. Hm, people aren't supposed to be so morose at the thought of the loss of their friend, they're not supposed to be so distraught. At least, I'm not. I have lost many friends over the years, none of those losses have ever affected me as I know this one would. So, maybe, we are not just friends. If this is the case, maybe I should not look for an answer in this fashion. Maybe I should view it as the loss of a loved one, for that he surely is. The loss of someone you love is often too great for words. It is all consuming at times, draining at others. But my father, sister, and daughter were all loved ones and I have gotten over their loss. It has taken time, but the damage was, in the end, reperable. Would the same be true if I lost him? Would I mourn for a time but then move on? It scares me to say it, but I do not believe the answer could possibly be yes. I cannot hope to find myself so lucky. The loss of him would tear me apart, it would rip me from my foundations and send me spinning in a way that I am not confident I will ever find the ground again. So, I suppose he is not a loved one, even as he is in ever sense of the word. If he is more important than a loved one, might he be the love of my life. Years ago, I would have laughed at this term, taken it and tossed it back to the sender with little more than a scoff. Yet today I consider it seriously, this bizarre classification of a relationship that tends to take on fantasy-like characteristics. I wonder if perhaps this would doto descibe why I cannot leave. But then I remember, people have left the love of their life before and managed to go on. While the emptiness remains, they find a way to pick up the pieces and live a normal life. I do not believe that will be the way with us. I suppose the only greater classification than the love of your life is that of being your soul mate. Ever since the case with Melissa, I have wondered over the concept of soul mates. Do they even exist? If you travel through time with a certain person over and over again, does that make them your soul mate? Or is it something less tangible, a link between two that cannot be broken that superceeds the passage of time? A link from which two are so intertwined that, even if they tried to rid themselves of the other, they would not only find it excrusiatingly painful, but impossilbe as well? Would this be an appropriate description for our relationship? Perhaps it is. It seems to fit. As I consider the idea more, I realize how right this idea is for our relationship. Despite everything that has happened to both of us, I am still with him for one simple reason, I am his soul mate and he is mine. That is all there is to it. Now, confident in my answer, I look up to see him still waiting for my reply. I simply shrug my shoulders, look up at him, and say, "Why would I leave my soul mate?" Turning away from his stunned and confused expression, I walked away with a slight smile on my face. Everything was going to be just fine. ******************** So, what do you think? Shippy enough for you? I would love to hear your oppinions. Michelle :-) ===== Poems are windows to the soul. They are the glue that holds the rest of the world together and they are the helping hands that put our lives in perspective. You can survive without poetry, but you cannot really live until you feel its presence for poetry is in every action, it is in every word, every phrase that falls from a human tongue. It is in the movement of the oceans and the songs of birds. It is in the air and in the sun. Poetry in motion is what makes the days seem brighter and the stars look more radiant. You are poetry whether you realize it or not, you are beautiful.