From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 15 Apr 2001 20:47:29 -0000
Subject: Will You Have My Hands? by Nancy E. Kelly
Source: direct

Reply To: TheBratt72@hotmail.com


Title: Will You Have My Hands? 
Author: Nancy Kelly 
Email: TheBratt72@hotmail.com 
www.homestead.com/Nancysfanfiction/Front.html
Category: Scully POV 
Rating:: PG 
Spoilers: Requim 
Disclaimer: Don't own them. If I did, well-I won't go there tonight. 
Archive: Anywhere as long as my email and addy are on it 
Summary: Scully's thoughts about the child growing inside her, and the
missing Mulder.  * * * 
Dedicated to those of us who fight Eating disorders everyday 
* * * 
I still find it hard to believe that you are real. In fact, I was so
sure you didn't exist that I had them run  the tests three and four
times. On the fifth test, I did it myself...and that familiar plus
sign affirmed that indeed,  you were there...growing inside of me. 
I am in awe. 
Because you weren't supposed to happen. They told me that you would
never  become...that you would never be able to grow and blossom
inside of my womb.  I was told my countless doctors that those
monsters left me barren. And so through the years, through the loss of
Melissa, Ahab, and Emily...I had finally accepted the fact that you
were not going to be.  But you are. And I pray that you will have half
of me, and half of Mulder...Mulder.  Where are you, Mulder? I need you
right now. I need you here with me..to share this...to treasure and
cherish this.  This is something you have given to me. 
This beautiful wonderous gift. 
Together we created this. 
God, Mulder, where are you right now? 
In the back of my mind, I don't care if you are a boy or a girl. But
the largest part of my heart hopes you are a little girl.
 With Mulder's eyes, my hair, and our proud Scully nose. I
 dream of you having Mulder's wit, owning my subborn streak, and your
Dad's mouth.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will be a very
beautiful child.  Of course, I am probably partial. 
I will be your mother. 
Mom, is going to love you. She has always wanted a granddaughter...or
another grandson.  But she has always wanted a minnie me, if you
excuse the expression.  Your dad, Mulder, made me sit through that
damn movie and I could have killed him for it.  She will spoil you
rotten with lots of hugs and kisses, and toys and junk food. 
You are ours. 
I place my hand upon my stomach. I am a medical doctor, but I am still
in awe at the fact that months  down the line you will be moving
inside of me. I will feel you, OUR child, moving and kicking. 
I will feel you pressing on my bladder, making me go every 15 minutes.
And I pray, oh how I pray that Mulder gets back home to enjoy in this
precious and most priceless time of my life.  God, how could he just
leave me like this.  Call me normal, call me crazy. But I was fond of
the idea of Lamas class, I was fond of the fathe to be jitters,
 the nervous Mulder. I was hoping and dreaming of how he would bring
me chicken soup in bed when  I am suffering from morning sickness with
you. I know you are a girl. I can feel it. I can sense it. 
And you would love your daddy. I love him so much. I miss him so much.
And it is killing me inside.  I pray and hope you don't feel Mommy's
pain, because I want you to come out happy and healthy. 
I wipe my eyes, because of the tears I didnt' know I was shedding.
Eight months down the line, I want  Mulder there...holding my
hand...telling me to push while I scream at him for doing this to me.
And when you come out, all pink and wrinkly...I want to hold you...in
my arms with your daddy by our side.  His girls. 
God that sounds so wonderfull. Only, Mommy doesnt' know where he is
right now. And i dont'  know if they are going to give him back. 
God, Mulder, how could you be so stupid. 
No, Mommy didn't mean that. I just really really miss your daddy. 
I told Assistant Director Skinner of you. And to my surprise, he
didn't look all that surprised.  I guess he made a fortune in the
office pool becuase a couple of days ago, he came over with the most
beautiful brass crib.  Just for you angel. Just for you. 
I wanted to shop for you with Mulder, your daddy, but I dont' know
where he is.  I am afraid of having to set up your room all by myself.
The spare room I have in my apartment has always been my office.
 But it will soon be your very own. 
Sometimes, I close my eyes at night and I dream of us...me and your
daddy...putting your room together. I imagine us  fighting over
wallpaper. Over where the sun and moon should go. Where the rainbow
should be painted. I imagine us buying  you baby clothes, and toys,
and animals. Lots and Lots of stuffed animals.  Especially little
lambs.  And I let out a litte giggle when I picture your daddy coming
home with a stuffed alien for your crib.  Only, he is not here. And I
can't find him.  It has only been two weeks. It feels like two years.
I have cried myself to sleep, I have missed meals, I have missed work.
I miss him!!! 
He should be here with us. 
Mulder where are you? 
I stand here in the door way, my hand upon my stomach as I look at my
soon to be nursery. And I start to cry again.  Of course you were and
are my dream come true...but I didnt' expect to lose your daddy in the
process.  Mulder, please come home. PLease return to me soon. 
*End*