From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 4 Sep 2001 14:18:40 -0000
Subject: Winning by Frances Hartman
Source: direct

Reply To: FranHartman@aol.com


Title:  Winning 
Author:  Frances Hartman 
E-mail:  franhartman@aol.com
Rating:  PG 
Category:  SRA 
Spoilers:  Triangle, Fight the Future, Pilot 
Keywords:  Mulder/Scully romance


Summary:   Sometimes the only way to win is just to get out of
the game.


Disclaimer:  The characters depicted in this work (hereinafter
referred to as "parties of the first part") are not the
intellectual, creative, or real property (hereinafter referred to
as "property") of this author (hereinafter referred to as "broke
and indigent").   Any similarity noted herein is purely
intentional and is intended with no malice, and come to think of
it, very little aforethought.   No aliens were harmed in the
making of this work, but Elvis was recently seen hovering over a
swap meet in Iowa.  Fox Broadcasting and Chris Carter hold sole
rights to the characters and concepts depicted on the X-Files
("hereinafter referred to as "par-tay") and no profit is intended
or expected from this endeavor, and thereto I plight thee my
troth.  So there.


Author's Note:  My apologies for descending into the darkness of
Flickfic.  But though this is not the first XF piece I've ever
posted, it is the first one I ever wrote, so it holds a special
place in my heart.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards."
--Oscar Wilde

July 26, 1998

"But you saved me.  As difficult as it's been sometimes, your
goddamn strict science and rationalism have saved me a thousand
times.  You kept me honest.  You made me a whole person.  I owe
you everything," he swallowed hard, "...Scully, and you owe me
nothing."

Scully stared at him in shock and dawning wonder.

"I don't want to do this alone."  His eyes searched her face.  "I
don't even know if I can."  He paused, his voice so low she could
barely hear him.  "And if I quit now, they win."

Scully gazed at him, this proud, private man who had opened his
soul to her, to try to tell her...what? In true Mulder fashion,
he had poured his heart out, given her deep and total honesty,
and the result was totally incomprehensible.

But such an admission required a response, a validation.  Sliding
her arms around his waist, she laid her head against his chest,
sighing softly when she felt him hesitantly return her embrace.
For one brief moment, she inhaled his scent, then rebuked herself
for the indulgence.

For God's sake, don't go there.  Not now.  He's your partner,
nothing more.

Reaching up, she pressed a gentle, affectionate kiss to his
forehead.  They stood like that for long moments, heads pressed
against each other, seeking comfort.

Mulder was the first to pull back, cradling her face in his
hands, eyes playing over her features. Bravely, she attempted to
muster a smile, fighting the tears she could feel escaping
despite all her best efforts.  He didn't return the expression,
remaining deadly serious as he continued his intent, searching
gaze.

His eyes flicked to her lips, and in that split-second, the
energy around them changed.  Drastically.

Scully's eyes widened as she suddenly became aware of the soft
brush of his thumbs at her temples, the caress of his warm breath
on her mouth, his intense, purposeful stare.  Unconsciously, her
lips parted as he slowly lowered his mouth to hers...

xxxxxxxx

Eleven months later

xxxxxxxx

"Just what the hell is this about?"

"Nice of you to knock, Mulder," Scully remarked dryly from her
kitchen, not even flinching when he charged through her front
door.  Actually, she had been expecting him.  Expecting this.

Let the games begin.

"Why should I bother with politeness, Scully?  You certainly
didn't," he snapped, brandishing a piece of paper in her face.
"You couldn't even do me the courtesy of telling me to my face."

"Mulder, I had to do it that--"

"After all we've been through together, after...and I had to hear
about your resignation from Skinner?" He stopped, suddenly
deflated.  "Scully, I..." He broke off, pinching the bridge of
his nose. "Couldn't we have talked about it?  Whatever it is, was
it so bad you couldn't even discuss it with me?"

Scully blinked.  "Whatever it...Mulder.  Didn't you go by the
office today?"

He frowned.  Non sequiturs were usually his department, not
Scully's, but he answered anyway.  "Yeah. I was late for the
morning review, and Skinner called me in the minute it broke up."
He sighed.  "I figured it was just for my weekly ass-kicking.  I
wasn't expecting...this."

He looked so lost, so sad, that Scully had to steel herself.

You know what you have to do.

"Mulder.  I didn't just walk out on you.  I intended tell you the
whole story."  She threw up her hands in exasperation.  "But
trust you to upset the best laid plans."

"Scully?"  Now Mulder looked thoroughly confused.

"Mulder, I left a note for you on your desk, explaining what I
was going to do and why.  You just never read it."

"A note."  Mulder did not look happy.

"On paper, I was far more coherent than I could ever be in
person.  I knew we'd talk about it; in fact, I hoped we would.  I
thought that was why you came over here."

He was ever impatient. "Well, I'm here now. Tell me."

"Mulder, please.  Just do this for me.  Read my explanation, and
then, if you still want to, we'll talk.  Okay?"

He studied her in silence for a moment.  "If I still want to?
That sounds ominous, Scully."

Tears threatened, but she held them back as she gave him a little
half-smile.  "I hope not, Mulder. I hope not."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FBI Headquarters 
Two hours later


Mulder sat at his desk, staring unseeingly at the sheets of paper
in his hand.  But that was okay. He didn't need to read the words
again.  That life-changing, mind-bending, gut-twisting letter was
branded in his brain.



Dear Mulder,

At the start, please forgive me for handling things this way.
After all we've seen and done together, I probably owe you
something better than some words on a page.  But there are things
I need to say to you, important things, and if I look into your
eyes, I'll lose my nerve.  Another day, another week, another
year will pass, and those things will remain unsaid.  And every
time I lose my nerve, I lose more of my life.  More of myself.

I'm turning in my letter of resignation to Skinner today.  I will
only tell him that it is for personal reasons, but you need to
know the truth.  All of the truth.

The last time I stood at this crossroads in my life,
contemplating this decision, I had a transfer hanging over my
head and a conspiracy at my back.  I made the same choice then,
and against my better judgement, I went to see you.  I wanted to
look into your eyes as I told you my decision, even though I knew
it would hurt us both.  I felt I owed you that much.  You said
some very personal, very wonderful things to me that night.  And
then you almost kissed me.

There, I've said it.  The thing we've been so carefully avoiding
for the past year.  There, but for the grace of one bee, go I.
Or go us, I suppose.

I wanted that kiss, Mulder.  I've wanted it for years now.  And
as well as you know me, you had to have known that.  So why have
we never gone back to that moment?  This is a question that's
weighed on my mind ever since that night.  What are we so afraid
of?

Over the past year, I have watched you put cases, distance, other
women, and the walls of distrust between us.  After six years of
partnership and friendship, I find myself taking the same steps,
choosing the same words, silently respecting the same
impenetrable walls, engaging in the same dance I did in the
beginning, because all the closeness we've built up over the
intervening time is gone.

The more I think about it, the more I believe I know what
happened.  I've never doubted that you care about me, Mulder.
But until that night, I didn't realize how much you needed me.
You're a very private man in many ways, and I know how difficult
it must have been for you to open up like that. And knowing  you
the way I do, I realized the prospect of my leaving you must have
been terrifying.

And knowing me the way you do...the way no one in this world ever
has...you instinctively gave me the one thing you knew would make
me stay.

But you're not a manipulative man, nor a cruel one by nature,
Mulder, and you must have realized almost immediately what you'd
done. So you set about putting up walls, maintaining distance,
trying to fix the damage by pretending it never happened. I know
you care about me in your own way, and you didn't want to break
my heart by giving me false hopes.

But in the end, you got what you wanted.  I stayed.

I've thought about this for a long time, and I realize that I
can't work or live like this anymore. I'm tired of playing these
games, pretending I haven't fallen in love with you, just to
preserve a partnership that has all but been destroyed by those
very games.

So this is my final move, Mulder.  No matter how well intentioned
your motives or how guilty your conscience, I can't forgive that
sort of manipulation.  I'm getting out of the game.

And if I'm wrong?  If there's some other reason, if what we
almost started in that hallway was honest and genuine, we'll
never be able to explore it with The Work between us.  Didn't you
guess that the reason I resigned rather than take a transfer to
Salt Lake was because I couldn't bear to be separated from you?
If I leave the Bureau, there's no good reason why we shouldn't,
couldn't, pursue this.

Unless the first explanation is the right one.

Either way, if I quit, I win.

I know your first instinct is going to be to barge over here and
hash this out, and I'm asking you not to do that.  We'll talk, if
that's what you want, but I want you to think about what I've
said first, and decide whether there is anything to discuss, or
whether we should just let it all...disappear. And when, if, you
come to me, I expect nothing less than total honesty.  The games
are over.

Scully




Mulder scrubbed his hand over his face and tossed the letter onto
his cluttered desktop.

Boy, when Scully decides to lay it on the line, she doesn't mess
around.

The deep emotion and obvious pain between the lines struck
Mulder's heart like knives.  But if he took comfort from
anything, it was that clearly, she was more confused and
ambivalent about this decision than she let on.  The
phrasing...the word choices...despite the brave front, deep down,
she didn't know what to think.  In one sentence, she tore him to
pieces; in the next, she absolved him.  Scully wanted to believe.

He couldn't help feeling angry and a little betrayed by her
assessment of his motives.  But in the final analysis, only two
facts really mattered at all.

Scully was deeply hurt by his actions, suspecting him of the most
selfish of motivations.

And she loved him anyway.

For the first time, Mulder really let that sink in, and was
simultaneously humbled and awed by the implications.  And for a
few moments, he let his mind play with the idea that happiness
might just be within his grasp.  If he had the guts to reach for
it, that is.

Scully was going to want some answers, and he owed her, and
himself, nothing less than the truth.

Pensively, Mulder folded up the letter and pocketed it on the way
out of the office.  He had some thinking to do.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Four days later

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Scully was miserable.  And bored.  And lonely.

Earlier in the day, she called one of her friends at the Bureau
to catch up on the gossip, ostensibly to see if they'd assigned
Mulder a new partner yet.  She was startled to find that he had
taken an indefinite leave of absence, and even more startled to
get the news from Skinner himself.  He had insisted on talking to
her.

"He took it pretty hard, Scully," her former boss informed her in
his typical detached manner.  "But I suspect you know that...by
now."  Even though he never lost his professional demeanor,
Scully could hear the thread of censure in the man's tone.

Scully chose her words with deliberate care.  "Are you suggesting
that I accept responsibility for Agent Mulder's mental state,
sir?"

"The fact remains that I have two of my best agents, who just
happen to be partners, out of the field within days, one
permanently, and one indefinitely, both for personal reasons.
Are you saying there's no correlation?"

Scully sighed.  It was difficult to keep Skinner in the dark;
she'd always liked and respected him, and she suspected he had a
softer spot for her and Mulder than he let on.  "No, sir," she
finally replied.  "I'm not saying that.  I...can no longer work
with Agent Mulder, for reasons that are quite clear to him.  What
I am saying is that how he chooses to deal with that fact is his
decision."

"Are you trying to say there was misconduct on the part of Agent
Mulder?"

"No, sir!" Scully quickly responded.  After a short pause, she
quietly continued.  "Were that the case, sir, a transfer would
have sufficed."

There was a brief silence on the line.  "I see."  Skinner cleared
his throat uncomfortably.  "Well, I would ask that you bear in
mind that should your circumstances change--"

"They won't, sir--"

"*Agent* Scully."  He pointedly stressed her title.  "Should things
change--"

"Sir?"  Now it was Scully's turn to be confused.

"I'm putting you on an extended personal leave.  Without pay, of
course.  Your resignation is unacceptable at this time."

"But sir--"

Ignoring her interruption, Skinner barreled on.  "Should your
situation change, Agent Scully, at that time I would be prepared
to see you resume work on the X-Files, with Agent Mulder,
assuming your personal problems have been resolved to your mutual
satisfaction."

It took a moment for Scully to take Skinner's meaning, but when
she did, she couldn't help but grin. "Thank you for your
understanding, sir."

"Don't make me regret this, Agent."

She gave a sad laugh.  "You may never need to, sir."




So much for getting on with her life.

It had been four days since she'd heard from Mulder.  Of course,
she had told him to think about it. It was just that Mulder was
generally a pretty fast thinker.

Could it be that he wasn't coming back?

Scully had always known that was a possibility, but that didn't
stop her from curling up on the couch for a good, long, cry.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Three hours later

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A soft knocking on the door roused her from her stupor.
"Scully?" came the quiet voice.

It was strange, she thought, cinching her robe tighter on the way
to the door.  She had been prepared to deal with him storming
over right away, disregarding her request to think things over.
For the first time in recorded history, Mulder had done what she
asked of him, and she suddenly didn't think she was ready.
Acutely conscious of her lack of makeup, disheveled hair, and
red-rimmed eyes, she silently let Mulder in, waving him into the
living room.  He turned, and across the room, they sized each
other up like fighters in the ring.

She looked resigned.  And sad.

He looked subdued.  And very, very scared.

Everything inside her screamed at her to go to him, comfort him,
tell him that she didn't mean it, forget it, we can just go on
the way we were.  But as hard as it was, Scully clenched her
fists and stayed put.  Even though she knew this was going to
hurt, she figured she needed to hear it. Clearly, she'd never get
on with her life otherwise.  Unconsciously, she braced herself.

Mulder was the first to break the silence.  "You look like you
think I'm going to hit you."

Scully gave him a half-smile and turned away.  "Not a bad
description, Mulder."  She took a deep, cleansing breath, wrapped
her arms about herself, and faced him.  "So.  Let's talk."

Mulder's heart twisted at her words and body language.  I did
that, he thought angrily.  I made her feel like that, just
because I was too egocentric to realize how much I was hurting
her.  If he hadn't spent the last three days realizing what a
selfish bastard he was, he would have ridden the guilt train for
a bit longer.  But other things were more important, and that
cycle had to stop right now. "Complete and total honesty, right,
Scully?"

Slowly, she nodded.

He spread his hands.  "So ask."

"Where have you been the past few days?"

Mulder blinked.  Ooh, she starts easy.  "Hiking.  I needed to
think, be just with myself for a bit. I wanted to be sure I knew
where I stood, and why I stood there, before I knocked on your
door.  I took an indefinite personal leave from work because I
didn't know how long it would take."  He shrugged. "Guess I'm a
faster thinker than I thought.  My turn."

She frowned.  "Your turn?"

"Complete and total honesty, Scully," he shot back.

Scully looked startled.  That hadn't been on the menu for the
evening, but Mulder had a focused, penetrating stare and tightly
coiled stance that she was very afraid she recognized.  Oh, no,
he wasn't about to mess around.  She knew that look.  Mulder was
going to go straight for the jugular. She cocked an eyebrow and
waited.

He didn't disappoint her.

"Why are you so sure I don't love you, Scully?"

She stared at him, absolutely stricken.

"This, I didn't even have to think about. I've gone to the ends
of the earth for you. I've risked my job, my life, and my sanity
for you.  I've killed for you.  I've died for you.  When everyone
else in the world had given up hope, I waited for you.  I
believed in you."  He studied her face for a moment.  "I've even
told you, Scully.  I looked you right in the eye and said I love
you."

She was dumbfounded.  Put that way...

"Scully."  Mulder shook his head sadly and crossed the room to
stand before her.  He raised a hand to touch her cheek, mildly
surprised to see his fingers were steady.  His knees sure
weren't. "Scully. After all you've seen, after all the
evidence...why do you still refuse to believe?"

She took a step back, out of his reach, and his eyes darkened at
the subtle rejection. He wasn't surprised at the move; he had
known all along that convincing Scully to trust him wasn't going
to be easy.  How ironic.  So much of his life in recent years had
been about finding someone to trust. He had never considered how
important, or how difficult, it would be for someone...for
Scully...to trust him.  How blind he'd been.

Finding the truth. The Work.  "Nothing else matters," he had told
her on their very first case together.  How quickly that had
changed for him, and how profoundly he himself had changed.  And
yet, he had paid lip service to his quest for so long, tilting at
windmills, slaying dragons, that he hadn't known how else to be.
What else to say.  And when he finally had found the words, he
was very afraid that it had been too little, too late.  Could he
blame her for her fears, her doubts, when he had given her so
very little reason to trust him?  To believe in him?  How much
damage had his silence caused?

"Why, Scully?"

"I'm afraid, Mulder," she began in a whisper, unable to meet his
eyes.  "I'm afraid to believe. Afraid of extreme possibilities.
And I'm afraid of--" She broke off, suddenly unwilling to expose
the depths of her vulnerability.

"Total honesty, Scully.  It goes both ways."

She nodded. "I'm afraid of you," she finished simply.

Mulder paled. He had been half-expecting that answer, but hearing
it said aloud still hit him like a punch in the gut.  "Scully."

She held up a hand.  "My turn."

Gritting his teeth, he nodded once.

She took a moment to choose her next question, by now terribly
aware that this evening had gotten way out of her control.  She
had to admit that she'd never seen Mulder this open, this
unambiguous and direct. Unflinchingly honest.  He had certainly
taken her request to heart, and for that, she was grateful.  And
with painful honesty of her own, she admitted that he hadn't
expected he would demand the same things from her.  All of which
meant that if she asked a question, she was going to get the
answer, whether she wanted it or not.

She wasn't prepared for this.

Scully didn't think she wanted to know the answers anymore, but
she knew she needed to.  Like an infected wound,
the...thing...that was eating away at their relationship needed
to be lanced and everything needed to come out, or she would
never heal.

"Did you say what you did in the hallway to get me to stay?"

He didn't hesitate.  "Yes."

God, that hurt.  Even though she knew what was coming, she hadn't
expected it to hurt that much.

Mulder saw it on her face, and he ached to take the single word
back.  He hated causing her pain, but Scully had been right about
one thing.  The time for games was over, and he was through
holding back. "But that doesn't mean that I didn't mean every
word, Scully.  It's just that before that moment, I would have
died rather than actually tell you how much I needed you."  He
laughed a bit harshly. "That's not saying much, though.  Dying
loses its importance when life doesn't have any.  Except for the
parts of my life that you're in, which is why I had to tell you
what I was thinking."

He shook his head wonderingly.  "But you know, even then, I
wasn't even intending to say it.  Not that way, anyway.  I just
sort of stood there, somewhat bewildered, and listened to
these...words...coming out of me.  For a second, I swore I was
just standing there like an idiot, staring, while I only thought
those things.  I've done that before.  Many, many times."  He
shrugged.  "It's just that this time, my brain didn't move fast
enough to stop my mouth.

"And before you say it, my kissing you was...I couldn't...I had
to."  He trailed off, confused.  "I don't know how to say this. I
couldn't...not...kiss you.  Just like I couldn't not say the
things I said. Even though I could tell you didn't understand
them, I had to say them anyway.  I knew that even if you didn't
know what I meant, your heart would feel how important it was.
And the kiss...I'd thought about it so many times.  It was
just...I had to."

"So, yeah, I guess I did say and do what I did to make you stay.
You leaving...it was about the only thing scary enough to make me
actually get out of my own head."

Scully chewed on her lip while she considered for long moments.
It wasn't the worst answer she could have gotten, or the best.
But it was...honest.  It was Mulder.  And that realization
lightened her heart.  Satisfied, she nodded her head and looked
up at him with a smile, a smile that was wiped away instantly
with his next question.

"Why are you afraid of me, Scully?"

God, he hadn't wanted to ask that.  But he had to. He had to know
how to heal the breach between them.

It would have been so easy to leave it right there. Her
expression told him that; she had gotten the answer she asked
for, and he could have retreated to safe ground.  And she would
have let him, but this had already gone way beyond that one
issue.  For both of them, and he would bet his next paycheck that
the woman before him was totally unprepared for the direction in
which he was taking them.  These were dangerous, uncharted
waters.

He could tell that Scully's ground rules for this discussion were
backfiring on her, and oddly, this realization was making his own
terror recede.  All he had to do was keep telling the truth;
Scully was a woman of her word and would do the same.  The fact
that she seemed more frightened than he was comforting, in a
strange, sick sort of way.  It meant he wasn't alone, but more
importantly, it gave him something concrete to do.  Address her
fears, but more importantly, prove himself worthy of her trust.

But to do it, he had to know why she feared him.

"Scully?" he prompted gently.

Mulder could see her sorting through possibilities, weighing
some, discarding others, and realized he had to break this cycle
too. For him, the rash, impulsive one, calm deliberation was the
way to the truth.  Scully's defenses were down because she didn't
have time to formulate careful answers to his questions.  They
were clearly in unknown territory, and Mulder knew he had to get
her out of her head to get to the truth.

"Don't think, Scully.  From the gut."

"I'm afraid of disappointing you," she blurted.

Of all the things she could have said, that was the one that
Mulder never could have anticipated.

Once Scully started to talk, it seemed she couldn't stop.  "All
my life, I've disappointed people. My father, my family, my
teachers, my friends, my lovers, everyone who I ever cared about.
And with every disappointment comes some sort of consequence,
some punishment."

Mulder's eyes narrowed.  He definitely did not like the sound of
this.

"I always tried so hard to play by the rules, but they kept
changing and I kept breaking them and not knowing it and paying
the price.  And the more I cared, the higher the price.

"Mulder, I'm way past the point of common sense with you as it
is, and if we were to get involved, I'm not sure I could...I
mean, I..." Scully started to cry, but forged on.  "There would
be too many levels, too many ways for me to disappoint you.  I
couldn't pay that kind of price.  Hell, I can't pay it now."

"Scully." Mulder wanted nothing more than to comfort her now.  He
had wanted her honesty, but not like this.  Not when it was so
painfully forced from her, like an emotional violation.  "Scully,
no. You couldn't--"

"You don't know me!" she insisted, crying freely now, sobbing
openly.  "You don't know who or what I am, Mulder.  You only know
what I show you.  With you, it's all out there for the world to
see.  You don't give a damn what people think of you.  I do."

"Scully..."

"I'm afraid of you because you say you love me when you don't
know me and when you wake up one day and I'm not smart enough or
pretty enough or strong enough or good enough or can't give you
what you want or need and you decide that I'm not who you thought
I was and you don't love this person you find I am and you leave
me it'll..." Scully completely broke down, weeping
uncontrollably.  "So I left you first," she whispered brokenly.

The psychologist in Mulder knew he should wait for Scully to calm
down before he approached her, but the man in him couldn't take
it.  Selfish bastard that he was, it hurt him too much to see her
in such pain.  And yet, it was possible that, subconsciously, her
demand for total honesty had been a deep, atavistic need to force
just this sort of confrontation.  She could have lied.  She could
have never confessed this vulnerability to him, and he never
would have known.  He would have left, believing his own
selfishness had driven her away, and she would have been safe.
She didn't need to let herself be trapped; the lines she had
drawn were for him, not her.  He would have been willing to play
it that way.

Instead, like the incredibly brave, strong woman she was, she had
exposed her inner self in the faint hope that maybe, just maybe,
he could prove her wrong.

Oh, yes.  Scully wanted to believe.

Still, he approached her hesitantly where she was curled up in
the corner of her couch, weeping as if her heart were breaking.
Which, he supposed, it was.  "Scully," he said softly, reaching
out to gently stroke her hair.  Like a wounded animal, she
flinched from the touch, balling herself up tighter.

Mulder wasn't surprised by the response, but he was saddened.
Right now, he ached to hold her. Instead, he dropped to his knees
in front of her.  "Scully, listen to me a minute.  Okay?  Just
listen.  I won't touch you, I promise.  I just want to talk.
It's my turn, right?  My turn to be that honest.  So just listen.
You don't have to answer.  You don't even have to look at me.
Just hear me, okay?"  He kept talking like that, saying nothing
in a low, soothing murmur until he saw her begin to relax, her
sobs abating.

"This is all new, Scully.  I don't mean the things we've said, so
much, as talking like this.  I've always...I don't know, Scully.
I never thought of myself as a liar before.  But tonight, it's
hard to find the words, and I think it's because we've sworn to
be totally honest.  When you lie, you have the whole world of
falsehood at your disposal.  It's so much harder to convince
someone of the truth.  It is what it is.

"I love you, Scully.  In thirty-eight years, I have never said
that to any woman but you.  And you may think I don't know you,
but one thing's for damned sure.  You know me.  You know me
better than anyone else in the world ever has, and you love me
anyway, which is something no one else in the world has ever
managed.  For that alone, I could love you, selfish bastard that
I am.  With all the wonderful, scary, miraculous things I've
seen, your loving me was the one extreme possibility I never
dared believe in.

"Yes, I think you're beautiful.  Yeah, I think you're brilliant.
These things are part of you, and so I love them.  But they're
not why I love you.  That's a little harder to define.  But the
real beauty in you, Scully, at least for me, is that you give me
everything I want and need without my even knowing what those
things are.  I'm not even sure you know what they are, or you
wouldn't doubt your ability to supply them.  I don't know how.  I
don't even have to know why.  I just know that you complete me.
You're a part of me...the best part of me...so I could never
leave you.  I could never hate you.  To hate you is to hate
myself.  And knowing that you love me means that I can't, I
won't, do that anymore."

His voice lowered to a husky whisper.  "Don't you see? You saved
me, Scully."

She grew very, very still.

"You've kept me honest."

Slowly, her eyes raised to meet his.

"You made me a whole person."

He linked his fingers with hers, his eyes pleading with her
urgently, silently willing her to understand.

"I owe you everything, Scully.  You owe me nothing."  Keeping
their hands joined, he gently placed her palm on his chest, over
his racing heart.  "I don't want to do this alone."  He bent his
head and pressed a soft kiss to her other hand. "I just...can't."

He paused for a moment, head bowed, then looked up into her eyes,
hiding nothing.   "I love you, Scully.  I want you, I need you in
my life.  Leave the X-Files if you want, leave the Bureau if you
have to, but please, don't leave me."  He smiled softly at her,
eyes still locked on hers.  "I'm yours, Scully...on whatever
terms you want."

She was trembling, her hands shaking in his grasp.  She looked
confused, hopeful, terrified.  "But Mulder, there are things you
don't--"

"Ssh."  He laid a finger across her lips.  "You didn't ask me
anything, but I think my soul baring just now counts.  It's my
turn again.  Do you love me, Scully?"

For the first time in hours, Scully smiled, and to Mulder, it was
like the sun coming out.  "Oh, yes. I love you, Mulder."  She
hesitated a moment, then burst into delighted laughter.  "It
feels good to be able to say that out loud.  Finally.  Yes, Fox
Mulder, I love you."

He returned her broad smile, her happiness infectious.  "Good.
Do you trust me?"

"That's two questions, Mulder."

"Yeah, but these are yes and no.  Penny ante.  They don't count
as a whole question, so I get extra. Do you trust me?"

Slowly, she nodded.  "Yes.  I trust you, Mulder."

"Okay, good.  Now for the biggie.  Do you believe I love you,
Scully?"

She paused for the barest of moments, but it was enough.
"Honesty, Scully," he admonished.

Tears flooded her eyes.  "Oh, Mulder, I do but I don't.  My head
believes it, but--"

"Ssh.  It's okay, it's okay."  And strangely enough, it was.  Now
that Mulder knew what he was up against, he knew what to do.
Time, patience, and honesty.  No more hiding.

"Mulder." She captured his hand and squeezed strongly.  "I want
to believe."

He studied her for a moment. "Yeah. I believe you do, Scully."
He chewed on his lip for a moment, then nodded decisively.  "Tell
you what, Scully.  Let me give you something concrete to believe
in." He reached into his jacket pocket.

Oh, my God.

Mulder took her lifeless hand and curled her fingers around a
small velvet box.  "That oughtta prove I love you, Scully," he
remarked dryly.  "Giving a woman a ring when you know ahead of
time she won't accept it.  It's the height, or depth, actually,
of masochism. All for you, Scully. I do it all for you."

After a moment, the humor faded from his expression.  "I know you
need fact to back up your faith, Scully," he said quietly.  "I
want you to have something tangible that you can hold in your
hand, that you can believe in.  For now, I'll wait.  But I won't
ask.

"And when you can believe, believe that I'm here forever, that I
know and love you, that I'm not going to leave you, you give that
back to me.  That's the day I'll ask you to marry me."

Scully couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry, so she did both.
"I never thought I'd be so happy right after a man told me he
wasn't going to propose."  Slipping into Mulder's embrace, she
hugged him tightly.  "I love you so much," she murmured into his
chest.

"I love you too, Scully," he replied softly, cradling her face in
his hands.  For long moments, his eyes searched hers.  Then,
suddenly, he smiled.  "Ya know what?"

"Hm."

"Ever heard the expression, 'To the victor go the spoils?'"

"Yeah..."

"Well, like you said, if you quit, you win.  And you won, right?
So," he leaned in to her, resting his forehead on hers, his lips
inches from her own. "Claim the spoils of battle."

Despite his light tone, Scully realized what Mulder was doing.
He was giving her the control, just like he had with the ring.
Deep inside, she hugged this new piece of evidence tightly to
her.  Just another reason to love him more.

She licked her lips, her tongue missing his lower lip by
millimeters, and she felt a wave of instant gratification at the
way his eyes closed briefly and his breathing hitched.  Still, he
didn't move.

In spite of the ache in her knees, Scully was glad they were both
kneeling on the floor, so she wouldn't have to worry about her
legs giving out.  It was dizzying, having him this close, knowing
he was there for the taking...

All it takes is one little move. Just lean forward. So why
couldn't she do it?

Again, Mulder seemed to understand.  Gently, he stroked her back
and hair, soothing her with his caress, but not once did his eyes
leave her face or his expression change.  Nor did he move to
break the embrace or encourage it.

Your terms, Scully, his eyes seemed to say.  Whatever you want.
Whatever you need.

And gathering her courage in both hands, Scully leaned forward
those last few inches and touched her mouth to his.

Mulder returned the kiss gently, his mouth moving softly,
sensuously against hers, but making no effort to deepen the
contact.  For long moments, he just enjoyed the sensation of
finally holding Scully in his arms and feeling her soft lips
under his. Mentally, he blessed their work partnership and let it
go.  This, he thought, was paradise.

Without breaking the kiss, he shifted Scully so she was resting
in the crook of his arm and leaned back against the couch, taking
her slight weight against him.  With a small sigh, she cuddled
closer to him, parting her lips just slightly under his.

Slowly, he cautioned himself.  For some reason, his instincts
were telling him to be careful with Scully, and indeed, there was
something very fragile about her this night.  Delicately, he
slipped his tongue past his lips and began to slowly trace the
outline of her now slightly swollen and sensitive mouth.
Carefully, he teased her lips open, pulling her closer in his
arms as he deepened the kiss.

As she felt his tongue slip into her mouth to tease and flirt,
Scully couldn't restrain the whimper that escaped from deep in
her throat.  Instantly, she was rewarded with Mulder's answering
moan as he settled his mouth more firmly over hers.  Her hands
tangled in his hair as the kiss became more aggressive, more
passionate...

With a small cry, she pulled away, gasping for breath, and was
immediately assailed with a wave of intense mortification.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she covered them briefly with her hand,
hoping in the way that small children do that if she couldn't see
Mulder, he'd forget she was there.

"Scully?"  Mulder's brow was furrowed in concern. "Are you--"

"I'm fine, Mulder," she hastened to reassure him.  "It's
not...I'm fine," she asserted.  Ignoring his sudden resistance,
she linked her hands behind his neck and tried unsuccessfully to
pull his head down to hers.  "Kiss me again," she whispered,
cuddling closer.

"Scully," he said warningly, his eyes narrowed on her face as he
studied her intently.  "What aren't you telling me?"

"Mulder, please.  It was just..."

Mulder was coming up with a number of theories that married her
earlier words with the signals he was getting from her now, and
he didn't like a single one of them.  "Were you sexually
assaulted, Scully?" he suddenly asked.

"What?  No...well, no."

"Which means what?"  When she tried to duck her head, he caught
her under the chin and turned her face up to his.  "Hey, Scully.
It's me, okay?  Trust me.  Trust me enough to talk to me."

"I..." She lowered her eyes, but not before he caught the mingled
fear and shame lurking in their depths.  Whatever it was, she
obviously felt the telling would change how he felt. His gut
tightened at the realization.

Tenderly, he brushed her hair out of her face. "Scully, please,"
he coaxed softly.  "Whatever it is, you're safe with me.  I
promise."

Exhaling deeply, she nodded and curled up in his arms, resting
her head on his chest.  After long moments, she spoke.

"This all started in high school.  This...problem I have."  She
sighed heavily.  "It's an old story. A bunch of us went out after
the homecoming game.  Big bonfire, bunch of rowdy football
players, cheerleaders, various hangers-on, lots of beer...you get
the picture."

Mulder was very much afraid he was.  He simply nodded his silent
encouragement.

"I had a little too much to drink, and I guess I gave the wrong
impression to the varsity defensive end. It happens."

When she didn't continue, he queried softly, "It meaning date
rape, Scully?"

To his surprise, Scully shook her head and chuckled softly.
"Well, no.  Not exactly.  Zach got a little, um, over-excited and
never quite managed to get that far.  I think he was as
embarrassed as I was scared.  And he wasn't very happy about the
turn of events, which I guess scared me even more."

Mulder was careful not to vary the rhythm of his hand stroking
her hair, but inside, he was seething with anger.  Keeping his
voice calm, he asked her if she pressed charges.

She shrugged.  "There didn't seem to be any point. I'd been
drinking; I was just as culpable as he was.  And in the end, he
just tore my clothes and scared me a little."

"Scully, the fact that you were drinking doesn't mitigate what he
did, or tried to do.  You said no, didn't you?"

She shivered in his embrace, and his arms tightened the slightest
bit around her.  "Yeah, I did.  But the whole experience was
miserable, you know?  I just wanted to forget it happened, forget
the fact this guy I idolized wouldn't date a girl who didn't
sleep around, that I wasn't what he thought...hoped...I was.  And
my parents...my father...would have been so disappointed in me."

Disappointed.   He clenched his jaw. If the erstwhile Zach, or
Scully's father for that matter, had been there at that moment,
Mulder would have cheerfully punched them both out.

Maybe I'll just deck Big Brother Bill as a proxy. Smug bastard
probably took up where Daddy left off.

"I just went to bed and pretended it never happened.  He wasn't
about to tell anyone else, considering his performance.  And
since he didn't actually hurt me, I figured I would just put it
behind me."

Mulder was beginning to understand a little.  "But it stayed with
you."

"Zach was a pretty big guy, and what I took out of it was this
helpless feeling. Eventually, I got past the worst of it, but I
guess a lingering fear remained.  Not enough to actually stop me
from having sex...just enough to stop me from enjoying it."

Keeping her head down, she added softly, "I know that this is
probably...well, I know it's important to you, Mulder."  She
fiddled with the edge of the sofa cushion.  "And you need to know
that I'm not afraid of you, or of being intimate with you. But I
am afraid of...I mean, I can't...well, not being able to give you
what you need.  Or want.  Or...oh, hell."  Scully balled her fist
and thumped it on the floor in frustration. "Guess I should have
told you I'm frigid before you gave me that ring, huh?"

Mulder burst out laughing.  "Scully, you are many things, but
frigid is not one of them.  And even if you were," he stopped
chuckling and touched her cheek tenderly, "we'd deal with it.
Together. That's what that ring means.  Your burdens become mine,
and mine become yours."

She stared at him, aghast.  "Mulder, by that definition, we've
been married for years."

He snorted.  "Yeah, well, try getting that past the IRS when you
put 'married filing singly' on your 1040 to try and get the tax
break.

"But here's another piece of honesty for you, Scully."  He
colored a bit.  "Regarding those needs of mine, I haven't--" He
faltered for a moment.  "I've been with one woman in the past
five years, Scully, and she was just a substitute.  My 'needs'
are not, and haven't been for a long time, for sex.  They're for
you.  For us.  Together."

Such simple words to mask so many years of solitude and
emptiness.

And Scully realized that she wasn't the only one who had been
afraid.

How strange it is, she thought with sudden insight, that it is so
much easier to love than to be loved.  The word 'together' echoed
in her mind as she studied him, her eyes tracing the lines that
sorrow, loss, loneliness and abandonment had etched into his
proud features.  She would give up all she had to take that
burden of pain from him, to be there for him to lean on.
Sometimes she thought it was all she had ever wanted.

Together...

Understanding exploded inside her like a supernova as all the
pieces of her life suddenly snapped into place, and in one
blinding instant of clarity, she saw her future.

It was glorious.

Feeling the weight of the world lift off of her, she smiled up at
him.  Her face was radiant.  "You say that like you mean it," she
teased him gently.

He didn't smile back, but deep inside, he dared to hope.  "I do."

Her own grin faded, replaced by a look of acute tenderness.
Reaching up, she brushed a soft kiss across his mouth.

"I love you, Mulder."

Another kiss stopped his response before it started.

"I trust you, Mulder."

She kissed him again, then pulled back to look into his eyes, all
her love shining from hers.  In a gentle echo of his earlier
gesture, she placed the ring box in his large hand and closed his
fingers around it.

"Together...I can share the strength of your beliefs.  Can't I?"

Mulder closed his eyes against a sudden surge of tears.  God, how
he loved her.

"Ah, Scully," he said, drawing a ragged breath, "you sure know
how to bring a man to his knees," he quipped, referring to the
ring box.  Cradling her against him, he continued softly.  "But I
hope that wasn't your intention.  I don't want to be on my knees
for this."  Gently, he touched her cheek. "You're my partner, my
equal, Scully, and for years, we've shared a search.  A passion.
We've shared our work, our losses, our office, sometimes our
lunch, our pain, and all too rarely, our joy."  He swallowed
hard, his voice trembling slightly.  "Now I'm asking you to share
my life.  Marry me, Scully."

In answer, Scully threw her arms around Mulder's neck and held
on, embracing him as if she couldn't bear to let him go.

"Yes, no, maybe so?  Scully?"

She pulled back, eyes brimming with tears.  "It would be an honor
to share your life with you, Mulder," she said softly, kissing
him gently one more time as he slid the ring on her finger.  "But
there is one more thing you need to know."

Pausing at her suddenly serious tone, he looked down at her bent
head with concern.  "Anything, Scully."

"Well, it's...well, it's Frohike."

Mulder couldn't have been more surprised if Scully had produced a
baseball bat from under the couch and hit him in the stomach with
it.  "Fro--what?  I don't understand.  What about Frohike?"

"It's kind of a long story.  You know how he's always coming on
to me?"

"Yeah.  That's going to stop."

"Oh, Mulder, he's harmless.  But it is going to stop, and that's
what I need to tell you."

"Scully, you're scaring me.  Explain."

"Well, it's...this is kind of embarrassing."

Mulder stared at her for a second. "Okay.  Now you're really
scaring me."

"See, one night, I was home alone, feeling pretty sorry for
myself.  Moping about you, actually." She peered up at him
through her bangs to see if her pitiful tone was having any
effect, and was not encouraged by the look on his face.  "And
Frohike stopped by."

"Scully, I don't know if I'm ready to hear this."

"Will you let me finish?  Anyway, he was starting in on his usual
routine, and I just wasn't in the mood to hear it.  So I told
him...how I felt about you."

Mulder raised his eyebrows.  "Really?  How did the little guy
take it?"

"Pretty well, actually.  In fact, he said it gave him hope,
because he didn't think you'd ever come around and see what was
staring you in the face. Eventually, I'd turn to him for comfort
and solace."

"Remind me to kick his ass the next time I see him."

She frowned.  "Oh, don't.  It made me laugh, which is exactly
what he intended. He said that until you wised up, I was fair
game, and he wasn't going to give up until you gave in."

Mulder snickered audibly. "So, what, pistols at dawn?  Is that
what you're saying?"

"Worse.  He said he'd need proof before he could mend his broken
heart and get on with his life, so I said..." Scully trailed off,
ducking her head in embarrassment.

"Scully...?" Mulder said warningly, a sudden sense of foreboding
sweeping over him.  "What did you say?"

"I told him that I didn't think it was ever going to happen, but
on the off chance it did, I didn't want to leave him a broken
shell of a man with nothing to comfort him. So I promised him
that if you and I ever got together...it was just a joke, Mulder.
Honest."

His face was set in grim lines.  "What, exactly, did you promise
him, Scully?"

She turned beet red.  "Your video collection.  He said if we ever
got together, you wouldn't need it anymore, and that would be
proof."

"You WHAT?"  Mulder's appalled expression sent Scully off into
paroxysms of laughter.  "You promised him my video collection?"

"Your horror is not good for a girl's ego, Agent Mulder," she
choked out between giggles.  "We could just not tell him..."

"And have to put up with his dirty old man in a trenchcoat act
every time we see him?  I am gonna get you, Scully..." Her reply
was lost in a yelp as he tackled her, tickling unmercifully.

After a brief tussle, which Scully won, much to Mulder's chagrin,
they lay on their backs panting.

"Damn," muttered Mulder.  "I'm going to miss you in the office."

"I know."  She gave him the Reader's Digest version of her
conversation with Skinner.  "The obvious implication is that
discretion is the better part of valor.  But I'm not sure
discretion in this case is possible."  She nuzzled his neck.
"I've waited too long for you, for this, to want to hide the fact
that we're getting married."

"Especially since we should probably ask him to the wedding.  He
can't pretend it isn't happening if it's happening right in front
of him."  Mulder sighed.  "Maybe for a wedding present, he'll
decide not to give me another partner."

"Mulder."  She took his hand.  "Even though I'm leaving the X-
Files, it's not going to get easier for either of us...with them.
You know that."

He nodded.  "I know."

"Don't keep me in the dark.  Just because I'm not there every day
in the office with you...what's yours is mine, remember?  It's my
search now, too.  It has been, for a very long time."  She kissed
his hand. "No matter what happens, promise me you won't give up.
Not on the truth...and not on me."

He smiled that rare, beautiful smile that made her heart skip a
beat.  "I promise, Scully."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One week later

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Sir, Agents Scully and Mulder to see you."

"Send them in."  Skinner leaned back in his chair.  "Agents.
Have a seat."  He cast a glance at Scully's left hand.  "I see
congratulations are in order."

"Yes, sir."  Scully returned Mulder's smile.  "We wanted to come
in and tell you personally, before my resignation became
official."

"This is the best kind of news, Agent Scully.  I'm pleased to
hear it.  Have you set a date for the occasion yet?"

The agents glanced at each other.  "We were considering the end
of next month, sir," Scully murmured.

"Actually, sir," Mulder interjected, "I was wondering if you'd
stand up for me."

Skinner looked up in surprise. "I'd be honored, Agent Mulder.
Now, can I assume that, with two weeks off for a honeymoon
following, the two of you will return to work on the X-Files by
the fifteenth of August?"

Mulder and Scully blinked in shock. Mulder, for once, was
speechless.  "Sir?"  Scully finally managed.

Skinner eyed her levelly.  "Is there a problem, Agent Scully?  I
am assuming you are keeping your maiden name to avoid confusion?"

While Scully stuttered, Mulder quickly recovered. "It's just
that, sir, with Bureau regulations, we never expected--"

"Since when have you been overly concerned with Bureau
regulations and protocol, Agent Mulder?" Skinner cut in sharply.
"The matter has already been addressed."

Mulder stared.  "But, sir...we only just--"

"Mulder, when I suggested your return upon mutual satisfaction of
your personal problems," a twinkle appeared in his eye, "I
expected nothing less."

A split-second later, the military bearing was back.  "That will
be all, Agents.  Dismissed."

The door closed behind them, and instantly, Scully whirled on her
partner.  "Dammit, Mulder.  You really do need to work on your
communication skills.  You didn't tell me you were going to do
that."

Mulder did his best to look affronted.  "I didn't think you'd
have a problem with it, Scully."

"I don't, but you may.  If Skinner's your best man, I can't have
him walk me down the aisle, now can I? And you know what that
means."

Mulder's groan of agony drowned out the sharp gasp of surprise
from Skinner's secretary.  "Oh, God. Not your brother Bill.
Please.  I thought you loved me."

They bickered the whole way out of the office, never hearing Kim
dive for the phone.  "Danny?  You won't believe it.  Does anyone
have June '99 in the Mulder and Scully pool?"  She paused,
listening to papers shuffle at the other end of the phone.
"You're kidding."

A moment later, she buzzed her superior.  "Assistant Director
Skinner?"

"Yes?"

"It's up to $500.  Sir."

"Excellent, just excellent."

"I'll be expecting a bonus.  Sir."

"Absolutely."

Skinner clicked off the intercom and leaned back in his chair.
Half a grand, and two whole weeks with Mulder and Scully out of
his hair.  With a sudden burst of clarity, Walter Skinner saw his
future.

It was glorious.