From: AltarGirl2@aol.com
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1998 15:46:55 EST
Subject: S: Wishes

Title: Wishes
Author: Chase Buckingham
Rated: G
Category: V
Spoilers: Nada
Keyword: Scully angst/ Scully-Mulder UST
Summary: Scully talks to herself in confusion...
Disclaimer: Duh. They're not mine. Thanks, Chris Carter and the gang for
letting me borrow them. As if you had a choice.
Feedback: Darn straight. AltarGirl2@aol.com. I expect feedback! Flames,
praise, whatever, I don't care!!!!!!!!!!
Archive: As if you want to. But if you do, just keep my name on it and tel
l
me: )
Dedication: For Ani Difranco. Randomly.

~Wishes~
Chase Buckingham


I love you. I do. Really, Mulder. I love you. 

She stared into the mirror. 

No. Goddammit.

She looked into her own eyes, searching.

No.

I love you, Mulder. I just? it's that simple. It really is simple, isn't
 it? I
love you.

No. It didn't seem right. The emeralds in her telescope eyes didn't glitte
r
the way they were supposed to. Her hair wasn't falling right. That wasn't
it.
It wasn't the way she looked. It was her voice. The way it shook.

Hey, Mulder? Can we?well can we talk? 

She arched an eyebrow at herself in a dare.

What do you think? Have a minute? 

She closed her eyes. On her lids was printed an image of him. He took her
hand, leading her across the room. His eyes?

Mulder? Fox? Can I call you Fox?

No. She couldn't call him Fox. 

Mulder? I need to tell you something.

Need. Damn straight.

I love you. 

No. The words sounded wrong, somehow, when in her head so many times over
so
many years they had sounded so right and rare. She breathed deeply, touchi
ng
his lapel in her mind.

Mulder?you trust me, right? And I can trust you?

Trust. A far better word than Love. Love was harsh. Love was cold and
unforgiving. Love was pain. Trust was gentle. Trust was warm and comfortin
g.
Trust was solace.

Of course I can trust you. I trust you with everything that I am, everythi
ng I
have ever been.

The words sounded right. She let them roll off her tongue. They were cruel
mockers in her bathroom, soft lullabies in her daydream.

How do I say this?

Through the mists that shroud fantasies, he smiled gently, touching her ha
ir.
Through the sharp clarity of the cool air in the tiled room, she smiled
gently, bringing a hand to her hair.

Mulder? well, I love you. I. Love. You. I don't even give a shit how it
sounds. It's how I feel.

She wished she'd been a poet, then. 

I wish I were a poet. I wish I could tell you. I wish?

She could have gone on for days about what she wished.

I wish I could reveal to you my soul.

She slumped forward over the counter, head in hands, as if the effort of
imagination had overpowered her. 

I wish you were here, Mulder! I wish you would just hold me and tell me th
at
you understand! I wish this weren't so goddamn hard! 

She raised her head slowly to look into the surface of the mirror as if to
face herself in the battle of the century. 

So, Dana. 

Again the eyebrow arched, seemingly of its own accord.

What are you gonna do now, sweetheart?

The bitter voice came from another realm. She was not Dana Scully. She fel
t
like a monster. 

Are you a monster? Come on, you can tell me. 

No, she couldn't.

Shit.

It was all she could muster. A solitary word. It summed up her entire mind
set.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

She repeated the words over and over. And again, just to test them. She te
sted
them like a tight-rope walker tests his net - were they strong enough? Cou
ld
they support her? Never. She wondered if she herself was strong enough to
support the words.

No. You're nothing you thought you were.

She sighed and deserted her spot at the window with a dismissive gesture.

I love you. 

~end~