From: "TANYA PARTRIDGE" <marshmallow@dial.pipex.com>
Date: Mon, 7 May 2001 18:10:03 +0100
Subject: With Or Without You, by Natalya Fox
Source: direct

Title - With or Without You 
Author - Natalya Fox
E-mail Address - coleen_all_things@hotmail.com
Rating - PG
Category - V, A
Spoilers - none
Keywords - Character dies, Mulder/Scully romance, Mulder/Scully
friendship,
Summary - A new case brings Scully to some painful conclusions about the
person she really is.
                          

With or Without You

Mulder,

Our world is inhabited by one race, the human race.  We live 
together, we breathe the same air, and our bodies ultimately 
function in the same way.  But, as each one of us is aware, 
among our many similarities lie even greater differences.  I 
am not referring to physical difference, or difference in 
mental ability.  I am speaking of differences hidden more 
deeply, those which exist somewhere inside of every single 
human being on this earth.  These differences are intangible, 
beyond the realms of science and basic perception.  They are 
differences in faith, in the way we choose to view the world, 
and in the spiritual beings we choose as our guides.  Some 
choose the path of Christianity, of one God, father, son and 
holy spirit.  Others are guided by many spiritual entities, 
each of whom has their own teachings to offer.  And there are 
those who find enough strength and guidance within 
themselves, so that they have no need, or no want for any 
external spiritual touchstone.  But no matter what our 
religious beliefs, we all share one thing in common.  That is 
that we can never truly understand those faiths in which we 
do not share.  How can an atheist, who sees no God, truly 
understand the beliefs of a devout Catholic?  It is virtually 
impossible.  For most people this misunderstanding is 
tolerant, and we often find ourselves fascinated by those 
religions which do not involve us.  But for some, this lack 
of understanding manifests into hatred, when people refuse to 
even contemplate any faith beyond their own.  That is when 
our race, the human race, is a danger to itself...

I have always considered myself to be an open-minded 
person.  I am aware that in my work with you I have a 
strong tendency to stick rigidly to the science I have 
learned to trust, but I have always believed that even I 
am open to suggestions.  And in those aspects of life for 
which science has no relevance, I have believed myself to 
be wholly accepting of those things that I personally 
cannot understand.  This view of myself has changed since 
I began the case in Selenville with you two weeks ago, 
and I am left feeling more unsure of myself, and more 
afraid of the aspects of me which I do not know, than I 
have ever been before.  How can we ever truly be sure 
that we know ourselves?  Every person has, at some time, 
had an experience that has brought out a side to them 
which they did not know existed.  That is the experience 
I feel that I have had over the past fortnight.  But 
where as for many people these hidden traits are 
strengths, the new side of me that I have come to 
discover is a terrible weakness.  That is why I feel I 
should write this letter to you now.

I arrived in Selenville with you, arrogantly expecting 
that my suspicions about the case would be confirmed.  
You were your usual unassuming and open minded self, and 
I even remember thinking, as I have many times, that you 
were looking too hard for something that was not there.  
You related to me all of the information that had been 
told to you by the sheriff prior to our visit, in the 
familiar story-telling manner I have grown to know and 
love. The story of three women, hanged in the woods 
nearby, and the remnants of candles, herbs and oils found 
covering the ground beneath their hanging bodies.  My 
experience and common sense, two things that, like my 
science, I like to use in order to feel some security in 
my life, informed me that this was some sort of 
ritualistic murder.  You believed it was something within 
the realms of the supernatural, your own security 
blanket.

As we began to delve deeper into the case, into the 
background surrounding these murdered women, we heard 
many rumours, and many assumptions, from the people of 
Selenville.  Each appeared to have their own mysterious 
story to tell when the three names were mentioned, and 
with each new tale, the mists of mystery in which their 
deaths were shrouded appeared to thicken, to push us away 
from the truth. There were many strange stories relating 
to the women, tales of supernatural incidences attributed 
to them, of secret ceremonies in the woods, watched by 
snooping townsfolk who hid amongst the trees.  Ceremonies 
of candles, of overpowering incense and endless chanting.  
Many disapproving eyes invaded these private happenings, 
staring out from behind trees, or sneaking in amongst the 
bushes and undergrowth.  And as the owners of these 
prying eyes began to contemplate together the forces 
driving these ceremonies, rumour upon rumour was 
cultivated, the most popular being that of witchcraft.  
Mulder, even you were sceptical when you first heard the 
word witchcraft uttered by a Selenville shop owner who 
spoke to us for only a brief moment.  However, when we 
made the discovery that cleared the mists, that one 
member of this mysterious group of women was still 
living, I knew that your scepticism would not last for 
long, that you would soon be a believer, as you always 
have been.  What I did not predict was that I too would 
abandon my traditional role and become convinced that 
these murders were the work of forces that lie beyond the 
realms of human existence.

I think that it is fair to say that the one remaining 
"witch", Luna Osborne, seemed somewhat different to both 
of us on our first meeting with her.  A house full of 
candles, of strange symbols and powerful scents which 
seemed to carry with them hidden meanings.  She herself 
was a mystery to me, surrounded by more than just the 
usual defensive emotional barrier we see in everyone we 
question.  We spoke to her together many times, 
inevitably coming to differing conclusions.  In spite of 
all of my preconceptions about the supernatural, I felt 
in my heart that this case was different, that there was 
more to it than we would ever understand, and that Luna 
Osborne had somehow used forces beyond this world to 
bring about the deaths of Morgan Good, Charlotte 
Phillips, and Diane Nolan.  Contradicting the mysterious 
air surrounding her, she admitted to us from the start 
that she was a witch, that although the other people in 
the town could never understand the nature of the 
ceremonies in the woods, or the real meaning of the word 
"witchcraft", they were correct in labelling it so.  
After we conducted our search of her house, I confess I 
was convinced that witchcraft was responsible for the 
three hangings in the woods, and that Luna was the human 
force behind it.  We found many books, containing 
hundreds of rituals, some of which involved harming 
others, seeking revenge, and manipulating lives through 
chants and spells.  Normally this alone would never have 
lead me to suspect Luna, but there was something about 
her, something about her house, something which I am 
still unable to describe, even to you.  Therefore, as you 
know, I threw myself headfirst into the situation and 
made an accusation, that Luna was a witch and had used 
her powers, whatever they were, in order to kill her 
fellow witches.

After several days of interrogation (in which you rightly 
refused to take part) I still had not managed to gain any 
information from Luna regarding a motive, or even a 
confession to playing a part in the murders.  Each day 
she would stare at me as I spoke to her, responding to 
all of my questions with an irrelevant mini-speech 
attempting to inform me that "witchcraft is not what 
people think it is" or that "you're ignorant, just like 
everyone else around here."  She was right, I know that 
now, and as I hear her words playing over and over in my 
head, I feel more and more ashamed.  But then, I was sure 
that I was in the right.  The people of Selenville had 
welcomed my accusation, which gave me added encouragement 
that I had made the correct judgement.  It was a town 
built on strict Christianity, and they felt that by 
arresting Luna I had helped to chase away the Devil.  I 
felt it too, that Luna was an evil influence tainting a 
pure community.

As my questioning of Luna Osborne continued, you appeared 
to become more and more determined to convince me that I 
was wrong, that the evil influence in this case was not 
in Luna, but was working against her.  I could not see 
your point of view until it was too late.  I was far too 
wrapped up in my own supernatural theories of curses and 
death rituals to see that your points were justifiable.  
So when you came to me one day, took me into Selenville, 
and proved me wrong, at first I could barely believe it.

It was exactly two weeks ago when you persuaded me to go 
with you to the residence of the vicar in the town, and I 
remember being puzzled as to how this was going to prove 
me wrong.  I had visited there many times throughout the 
case, and all it had done was strengthen my convictions.  
He had told me how the women were the only residents of 
the town who never entered the church.  That he believed 
they were slaves to forces working against God.  At the 
time I thought this was proof enough of what I suspected, 
though I wonder now how I could have been so naive.  

In your usual way you had managed to choose a time when 
the vicarage was empty, so of course we barged straight 
in, breaking once again a fairly large part of FBI 
protocol!  We went first to the living room, which looked 
exactly as it had when I was there several days before.  
You then proceeded to show me the rest of the house, 
those rooms which I had not seen.  As you led me from 
room to room I came to understand that you had been there 
before, and that you were justified in doubting my 
conclusions about the case.  As we walked through room 
upon locked room, each full of strange and terrifying 
symbols and texts, the truth you already knew began to 
dawn on me.  It had been a ritualistic murder, but not 
one performed by Luna Osborne.  In fact, she was a lucky 
escapee.  The evil in this town lay not in these 
mysterious women, but in the very centre of the community 
-- the church.  It was not a church of God as it had once 
been.  It was a church of Satan.

We arrested the vicar the same day and, though he refused 
to even open his mouth, we obtained several confessions 
from the people of the town, and gradually built up a 
clear picture of the events which had taken place in 
Selenville.  The people of the town were weak without 
their leader, and willing to finally give us some 
answers.  Luna Osborne and her three friends had been the 
only members of the town who refused to join in with the 
satanic cult that was formed by the Reverend Damien 
Watts.  They had been in the woods, terrified, trying to 
use magick to protect themselves, when they had been 
attacked by a mob of men from the town.  Luna had been 
lucky, and had managed to hide herself away before they 
could hang her along with the others.

Luna Osborne was released, and at last found the 
opportunity to explain to me what she was really about, 
and what a witch really is.  She told me of her worship 
of a God and Goddess, of her happy and harmless pagan 
rituals in the woods, of the rules against harming 
others.  She painted a picture in my mind of a beautiful 
religion, so horribly misunderstood by the likes of me 
that in her life she had been plagued by persecution.  
And when they found her in her bathroom the next day, 
wrist slashed, I knew that my prejudice had been her 
final straw.

Mulder, I am writing this letter to you because I have 
lost my faith.  I can no longer have faith in a God who 
produces such prejudice in otherwise reasonable people.  
I also have no faith left in myself.  I know that I have 
never been perfect, but I have discovered a side to 
myself which I am so ashamed of, which I despise more 
than anything in the world.  My blind prejudice has 
caused an innocent young woman to lose her own faith in 
the world, and her hope for the future.  And although you 
consoled me the day they found her, I cannot imagine that 
you will ever view me in the same way again.  This has 
led me to realise that you must finish your quest alone, 
that the only way I can be rid of that terrible side to 
me is to get rid of myself.

Please read the words on this page carefully and slowly, 
as they are the last you will ever hear from me in this 
life.  I cannot face you with the knowledge of what I 
have done, and yet I cannot live without you.  The only 
solution is for me to no longer live at all.  Whatever I 
may find now, be it heaven or simply a new form of life, 
I hope we will meet there eventually and be close once 
again.

All my love,

Scully  xxx