From: miranda119@juno.com
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2002 05:21:27 GMT
Subject: Without You by Miranda
Source: direct

Title: Without You
Author:  Miranda
Category: V
Rating:  G
Spoilers: Missing Scene
Summary:  Mulder's thoughts as he tries to shake the cobwebs out of
his head after his return from the dead.
Disclaimer:  Chris owns them.  And if Chris is reading this I will only
say - Get up off your rear end and make us a movie!

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

I admit now my reactions were a slight bit misguided.  But give me a
break, I've been underground for a few weeks.  That's bound to cause
some mental fogginess.  

I guess when I woke up in the hospital bed feeling like a corpse,
which indeed I had most recently been, my judgment forgot to wake up
with me.  I took one look at her ominous blue eyes filled with hope
and love and tears and thought maybe I'd gone to Heaven despite the
way my body felt.  I spoke to her, teasing her just as I used to.  She
laughed through her tears and spoke to me, and then she was laying on
my chest again for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.  An
eternity I couldn't recall one moment of.  I fell asleep that way,
breathing Scully in.  I could remember how close we had become before
I had been taken.  I could remember the night when we got closer than
we ever had before.  I would never forget what it was like to hold
Dana Scully in my arms in that way.  It was more intoxicating than any
drink, more beautiful than any form of art.  And here she was.  My
brain full of cobwebs tried to think about what would happen now.  We
could be together in every sense of the word.  Maybe she would even
marry me?  The thought gave me goosebumps.  We could spend the rest of
our lives together, searching for the truth.  Just Scully and me.

When I woke up again she was not there.  The man who had been standing
around before stood once again outside my door.  I mustered up every
ounce of strength I had and managed a feeble call.  He turned and
opened the door, looking at me incredulously.

"Who are you?"  I demanded.  He took his time answering.

"John Doggett."  He spoke quickly, then turned and walked down the
hall.  Moments later I heard Scully talking to him in low tones in the
hallway.  She entered soon after.  This was my first view of her
swollen stomach.  It took me a minute to process why in the world
Scully would have a greatly increased waistline. Did she miss me so
much that she spent the entire time sitting in the basement office
eating donuts?   But then the cause of her weight gain became apparent
to me.  As the thought dawned on me, I was in unbelief.  But instead
of asking her how this miracle came to be, instead of trying to
understand how Dana Scully had received  what she had long yearned for
and instead of sharing in her joy, my thoughts turned dark.  My
assumptions poured into my mind, the first being that the person
responsible for this must be that guy standing out in the hallway
staring at me like I had three eyes.  Doggett whats-his-face.  He was
the one that stole her from me.  While I was being tortured and
experimented on, he was stealing the only person in the world that I
loved.  That loved me.

The anger began to burn within.  My eyes narrowed and I looked away
from her, unable to gaze upon her unfaithfulness any longer.

"Who is that Doggett guy?" I asked sullenly.

"He's been my partner.  He's was assigned to help me find you."

Hurt caused the anger to boil hotter.  I had worked beside this woman
for seven years before she opened herself to me in that way.  What was
so great about this guy?

"I see."  I replied crisply.  She gave me a strange look.

"Mulder, what's the matter?"  She asked with an almost believable
ignorance.  She came to me and tried to hold my hand as she had the
night before.

"Nothings the matter.  I'm just tired.  I'm going to take a nap now." 
I turned from her and closed my eyes, pulling my hand away from hers. 
I felt her staring at me for a moment, then she turned abruptly and
left the room.

I continued on in my thinking until we left the hospital and Scully
took me home.  I hadn't spoken to her much.  When we entered the
apartment and she began once again to voice her amazement at my
return, I cut her off.

"Scully, I don't mean to be cold.  I just don't know where I fit in."

She sighed and sat down, frustrated with my lack of emotion.  Little
did she know what was going through my mind.  She wouldn't until a few
days later when my suspicions finally came to light.  We were sitting
once again in my apartment.

"Mulder, I know you've been through something unimaginable.  But I
need to know that you're okay.  I need for you to talk to me."  She
began quietly, staring at her hands folded in her lap.  I did not
answer quickly.

"Scully, when I woke up and saw your face, I thought maybe I was in
Heaven.  It was so good to see you.  Then when you came in the next
day and I saw how much....you'd changed,  I started to think that you
are doing just fine - better even, than you were with me. I started to
feel like I didn't have a place in your life."

Scully's eyes moistened with tears and she slid closer to me on the
couch, trying once again to reach for my hand.  Her fingers danced
over mine and then rested in my grasp. "Mulder, don't you know what it
was like without you?  Don't you know that my heart died with you?  I
am nothing without you!"  Her words were emphatic.  Confusion replaced
the anger.  I knew Scully, and she was being completely honest.  What
in the world was going on here?

"Mulder, why haven't you asked about my pregnancy?"  She questioned me
directly.  

"I figured...I...I don't know, Scully.  I guess I thought you would
tell me if it were my business."

"Mulder!  You aren't making any sense!  Why wouldn't it be  your
business?"  Her voice was shaking.  I could tell she was near tears. 

"I figured it was that Doggett guy's.." I could tell by the look in
her eyes that I probably shouldn't finish the statement.  

"Mulder, the last person and the only person I have been with is you. 
John Doggett is a good friend who has been there for me and helped me
as I devoted my life to finding you."

"So whose..." I started, but I realized she had no answer for my
question.  One thing was obvious though.  I had assumed too much.  My
hand fell to her stomach, and I could sense the life within moving
around.

"Scully, I'm so happy for you."  I whispered.  She smiled, placing her
hand over mine.  I could see the worry that she also felt.

"Don't be afraid.  We'll figure this out together."  I promised her. 
She melted into my arms.

"I'm so glad you're back.  I need you."  She sighed into my shoulder. 
My answer spoke to every truth I held in my being.

"And you're my reason to live.  There wouldn't be life without you." 

The end.